so this is odd
Not entirely sure why I'm returning to livejournal. Maybe because it has just the slightest bit more anonymity. Less people know that I use this. Or something. I don't know.
There's just something that's been bothering me for the past few months. All of summer break, really. And I don't really know what's going on. I've just kinda come to a conclusion recently.
I don't really have a best friend. Not anymore. It's funny, I used to have two. And it was amazing. But. I dont know. Things have changed. I'm not great at keeping in touch. And I guess people aren't that great at reaching out to me either.
And it's funny, in a way, because I was always convinced during high school that we would be Best Friends Forever. You know? It's cliche, but I love these girls, and why shouldn't it be true? And I'm still friends with them. I think. I hope. I still need them. But I'm starting to wonder whether they actually need me anymore. Whether I actually contribute anything, whether I'm actually still needed. Because they seem to be doing perfectly well without me. And I notice all the little things that they do for each other, and not for me, and I know that it's because things are different.
I love Andy, really, I do, but I know I'm not his best friend. And though I should consider him mine, I know he's not. He is the person closest to me at the moment but I don't really think that's enough to constitute a best friend. Boyfriend should probably equal Best Friend but for some reason, right now, it doesn't. And I need a friend who at least lives in the same state as me. I need one. I just need one really good friend that I can talk to about anything and I feel like I don't have that anymore and it sucks. It really, really sucks.
He's lucky, and I tell him this all the time, to have the group of friends that he has back home. They can not talk for months and come home, and everything is perfect. But my group of friends? I don't even know what my group of friends is any more. My friends at Brown are probably my "group of friends" now, but even after living with all of them for a year there is STILL some awkwardness there. Throw me in a room wtih some of them and I don't know what we'd talk about. I guess I still could consider the safe room group "friends", but when was the last time I talked to any of the people there? And was I really, really comfortable enough with any of those guys? Enough to feel like I wasn't being judged or like I could just be myself and not worry about other people liking me.
It's pathetic because all I want is for people to like me. And that's sad.
There's just something that's been bothering me for the past few months. All of summer break, really. And I don't really know what's going on. I've just kinda come to a conclusion recently.
I don't really have a best friend. Not anymore. It's funny, I used to have two. And it was amazing. But. I dont know. Things have changed. I'm not great at keeping in touch. And I guess people aren't that great at reaching out to me either.
And it's funny, in a way, because I was always convinced during high school that we would be Best Friends Forever. You know? It's cliche, but I love these girls, and why shouldn't it be true? And I'm still friends with them. I think. I hope. I still need them. But I'm starting to wonder whether they actually need me anymore. Whether I actually contribute anything, whether I'm actually still needed. Because they seem to be doing perfectly well without me. And I notice all the little things that they do for each other, and not for me, and I know that it's because things are different.
I love Andy, really, I do, but I know I'm not his best friend. And though I should consider him mine, I know he's not. He is the person closest to me at the moment but I don't really think that's enough to constitute a best friend. Boyfriend should probably equal Best Friend but for some reason, right now, it doesn't. And I need a friend who at least lives in the same state as me. I need one. I just need one really good friend that I can talk to about anything and I feel like I don't have that anymore and it sucks. It really, really sucks.
He's lucky, and I tell him this all the time, to have the group of friends that he has back home. They can not talk for months and come home, and everything is perfect. But my group of friends? I don't even know what my group of friends is any more. My friends at Brown are probably my "group of friends" now, but even after living with all of them for a year there is STILL some awkwardness there. Throw me in a room wtih some of them and I don't know what we'd talk about. I guess I still could consider the safe room group "friends", but when was the last time I talked to any of the people there? And was I really, really comfortable enough with any of those guys? Enough to feel like I wasn't being judged or like I could just be myself and not worry about other people liking me.
It's pathetic because all I want is for people to like me. And that's sad.