Sam's GHEA, not gay.
HERE I AM, AGAIN IN THIS CITY (journal) WITH A FISTFULL OF DOLLARS (monopoly money), AND BABY- YOU BETTER BELIEVE... I'M BACK!
I am the weirdo of the century. I am really starting to believe in this crazy gene thing.
I also have some odd love life developements. None of which appeal to me in the least. Maybe I'm a-sexual. Like, I don't care about sex, as much as I should. Or, so I am told by a society saturated with it. I just see no point these days in banging a dude I don't even like. I decided a long time ago I'm worth more than that.
On the flip side, I had a sweet birthday. It was low key and bizarre. Total me. I don't remember the last part of the night. I did however wake up somewhere not that suprising, but nevertheless not cool. It's so going to lead to something bad. It probably already has, I just ignore it. On the other hand, when I throw logic and girl thinking out of the window, it's fun to ride the wave. Which is what I do best, then deal with the wreckage as it suffocates me. But not until then.
Fuck. I can't sleep. I had a really odd spell tonight where I felt temporarily insane. From what I read, this is a bout of "mania".
I've left all drugs out of my life. Even marijuana, the last to go. It serves no good purpose for me, although I find it perfectly acceptable for others. Whatever floats your boat. Ganga sank mine. Sunk? Whatever, don't judge.
B. is starting first grade. When the hell did this happen? We met her teacher tonight and it was awesome. She seems like a really sweet chick, she sent out this stellar letter that made me feel comfortable shipping my most prized "posession" off to the government babysitter for 8 hours a day for the next several months. Public school, man.
I will say, I've grown the most in the past couple months than I have in... a year. I feel so different. I see things so different. I'm more accepting of myself and others. The less I have to be ashamed of the better.
I also decided I want a part time boyfriend. I can't seem to get past the 3rd date with anyone. I end up pulling a George Costanza and hide from them because of a "petty" flaw. Like I'm perfect or something. Please. I think I just know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. Whether what I want is good for me or not is another blog entirely.
Shit. I hope no one reads this shit. Then why do I write it? Possibly hoping a bored non-rapist stranger will read it and dig where I'm coming from. You hear that? Leave me alone if you're on Megans Law or are a stupid douche who lets your friends dictate what you feel.
The following are excerpts from previous blog, transferred here for your amusement:
Feb 10, 2011
oh my god. update. i was such a loser for thinking twice about this kid. i think it was the bruised ego and rejection talking.
hes a cool dude. but i am such a whole person.
today.
work is sucking. they're making cut backs. the supervisors are the first to go. i'm the only sup left so far. the noose is tightening.
stress.
Feb 1st, 2011
HEY!
I suppose I don't need this shit right now anyway. Like I'm battling addiction. Battling chub. Raising a kid.
Sometimes you just want a warm body next to you at night. Sometimes you want someone to share stuff with. I couldn't care less about sex.
I think I figured it out. He got freaked out by some things I said. But I think he took them to heart. I say things that are flippant and exaggerrated, and he goes and runs with it.
Thats on him for not getting it. Not me.
Hey, another one who doesn't get it. Shock-er!
Perhaps I'll explain it one day if our paths cross and opportunity arises. Until then, I'm burying it. Fuck it.
The weight is lifted, I finally got it. Out of nowhere.
I thank marijuana.
And that also makes him a drunk hypocrite, which makes me feel better.
Feb 1st, 2011
It Sucks To Feel Like You Suck
Oh god. I'm like a zombie. I just mope around.
What the hell did I do? I reciprocated shit. I should've known better. But noooo. I have to go and "feel" things. Sometimes I can't help myself. I just let it give. It felt nice. But then it felt really bad.
There will be others. There already are others. But this one? The first one to make me feel something since the pineage of the century.
I wish he would've just kept his stupid comments to himself. I hate that party for ever happening. I would've never known otherwise. I would still be going on about life as I was before. Less damaged than now. If only I knew the real fucking reason I could have some closure.
Red flags all over that I ignored. Sped past them with my stupid smile. Work. Age difference. Possible sexuality conflict.
If I were on my meds I would've been more even keeled. I would have been better. He wouldn't act as if I'm completely insane. But when I look back and reflect, I don't know what I did that was so crazy (and maybe thats WHY im crazy). Unfortunately he saw the worst of me at a few points. I'm human. I'm not right. The subs made it worse as well. That just makes you spew out insanities at times.
The more I write, the better I feel. Like, it makes me think. And it makes me realize he's a kid. And as immature and ridiculous as I am, I'm still not. So what the fuck am I doing? I'm fucking ghea, dude. Holy SHIT.
Jan 9th, 2011
I'm posting in a new journal, as I forgot the password to my old one and was too lazy to attempt to retrieve it. I hadn't posted in over a year or maybe more anyway.
I'm manic. I'm seeing this more and more. Either extremely up or extremely down. And I really didn't notice it much until I met someone I like. I can't seem to snap out of the low feeling even when I desperately try to so I don't seem like an asshole in front of him.
I downloaded some music from a band I happened to see last night.
My dad wants me to go get him a milkshake. It IS his birthday, so I guess I better do it. I'll fuck with this later.
I am the weirdo of the century. I am really starting to believe in this crazy gene thing.
I also have some odd love life developements. None of which appeal to me in the least. Maybe I'm a-sexual. Like, I don't care about sex, as much as I should. Or, so I am told by a society saturated with it. I just see no point these days in banging a dude I don't even like. I decided a long time ago I'm worth more than that.
On the flip side, I had a sweet birthday. It was low key and bizarre. Total me. I don't remember the last part of the night. I did however wake up somewhere not that suprising, but nevertheless not cool. It's so going to lead to something bad. It probably already has, I just ignore it. On the other hand, when I throw logic and girl thinking out of the window, it's fun to ride the wave. Which is what I do best, then deal with the wreckage as it suffocates me. But not until then.
Fuck. I can't sleep. I had a really odd spell tonight where I felt temporarily insane. From what I read, this is a bout of "mania".
I've left all drugs out of my life. Even marijuana, the last to go. It serves no good purpose for me, although I find it perfectly acceptable for others. Whatever floats your boat. Ganga sank mine. Sunk? Whatever, don't judge.
B. is starting first grade. When the hell did this happen? We met her teacher tonight and it was awesome. She seems like a really sweet chick, she sent out this stellar letter that made me feel comfortable shipping my most prized "posession" off to the government babysitter for 8 hours a day for the next several months. Public school, man.
I will say, I've grown the most in the past couple months than I have in... a year. I feel so different. I see things so different. I'm more accepting of myself and others. The less I have to be ashamed of the better.
I also decided I want a part time boyfriend. I can't seem to get past the 3rd date with anyone. I end up pulling a George Costanza and hide from them because of a "petty" flaw. Like I'm perfect or something. Please. I think I just know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. Whether what I want is good for me or not is another blog entirely.
Shit. I hope no one reads this shit. Then why do I write it? Possibly hoping a bored non-rapist stranger will read it and dig where I'm coming from. You hear that? Leave me alone if you're on Megans Law or are a stupid douche who lets your friends dictate what you feel.
The following are excerpts from previous blog, transferred here for your amusement:
Feb 10, 2011
oh my god. update. i was such a loser for thinking twice about this kid. i think it was the bruised ego and rejection talking.
hes a cool dude. but i am such a whole person.
today.
work is sucking. they're making cut backs. the supervisors are the first to go. i'm the only sup left so far. the noose is tightening.
stress.
Feb 1st, 2011
HEY!
I suppose I don't need this shit right now anyway. Like I'm battling addiction. Battling chub. Raising a kid.
Sometimes you just want a warm body next to you at night. Sometimes you want someone to share stuff with. I couldn't care less about sex.
I think I figured it out. He got freaked out by some things I said. But I think he took them to heart. I say things that are flippant and exaggerrated, and he goes and runs with it.
Thats on him for not getting it. Not me.
Hey, another one who doesn't get it. Shock-er!
Perhaps I'll explain it one day if our paths cross and opportunity arises. Until then, I'm burying it. Fuck it.
The weight is lifted, I finally got it. Out of nowhere.
I thank marijuana.
And that also makes him a drunk hypocrite, which makes me feel better.
Feb 1st, 2011
It Sucks To Feel Like You Suck
Oh god. I'm like a zombie. I just mope around.
What the hell did I do? I reciprocated shit. I should've known better. But noooo. I have to go and "feel" things. Sometimes I can't help myself. I just let it give. It felt nice. But then it felt really bad.
There will be others. There already are others. But this one? The first one to make me feel something since the pineage of the century.
I wish he would've just kept his stupid comments to himself. I hate that party for ever happening. I would've never known otherwise. I would still be going on about life as I was before. Less damaged than now. If only I knew the real fucking reason I could have some closure.
Red flags all over that I ignored. Sped past them with my stupid smile. Work. Age difference. Possible sexuality conflict.
If I were on my meds I would've been more even keeled. I would have been better. He wouldn't act as if I'm completely insane. But when I look back and reflect, I don't know what I did that was so crazy (and maybe thats WHY im crazy). Unfortunately he saw the worst of me at a few points. I'm human. I'm not right. The subs made it worse as well. That just makes you spew out insanities at times.
The more I write, the better I feel. Like, it makes me think. And it makes me realize he's a kid. And as immature and ridiculous as I am, I'm still not. So what the fuck am I doing? I'm fucking ghea, dude. Holy SHIT.
Jan 9th, 2011
I'm posting in a new journal, as I forgot the password to my old one and was too lazy to attempt to retrieve it. I hadn't posted in over a year or maybe more anyway.
I'm manic. I'm seeing this more and more. Either extremely up or extremely down. And I really didn't notice it much until I met someone I like. I can't seem to snap out of the low feeling even when I desperately try to so I don't seem like an asshole in front of him.
I downloaded some music from a band I happened to see last night.
My dad wants me to go get him a milkshake. It IS his birthday, so I guess I better do it. I'll fuck with this later.