do i bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt?
Where do I begin? This past two weeks have been well not to peachy for lack of better words. Things are getting progressively worse in almost all aspects of my life. School seems to be getting more and more confusing and harder and harder to keep up with. Theres a nice chance that I will be losing my spot as Vice Pres. of SADD. Which is fucking ridiculous to say the very least. My mom and I have been disagreeing quite a bit but I guess you could say our relationship is still on the up's. We can't afford for it not to be. My Aunt Lynda came in on Thursday night. It had been like a year since I've seen/talked/even heard from her. My grandmother is so fucking sick. Adam came to the hospital with me yesterday to visit her and my aunt was there. That was a little if not quite awkward. I really don't know how our relationship could've been just tossed out the window. We used to be closer than close. Me and my whole family used to be so fucking close. I hate this. I hate how all of this. MY WHOLE LIFE has changed. Every once and a while it sinks in. It sinks in that almost all my friends just up and left. Like every once and a while. I need a girl. I need that girl input even just the small chit chat that girls do. I hung out with Melissa last night. She's the first girl I've hung with in just about forever it seems (aside from Jaime, Scott's girlfriend) but really I didnt even know how to act. I mean when you hang with a guy or a group of guys and when you hang with a girl thats two totally different things. You talk different, act different, all together think differently as far as I'm concerned. I miss having a family though. Doing those family things. Not to mention it makes me sick to my stomach to think that my grandma might not even make it to this Christmas. God I hate thinking that way but I look at her. She's so not happy. She's so sick. I dont even know what to think anymore. I feel so unprepared for all this yet, its been over a year since we found out she had the worst cancer there is. so i am really ultra grateful that we've had this long with her that i got one more christmas and one more thanksgiving and easter etc. i want to be selfish i want her healthy i want more. i want her here forever. shes supposed to see me graduate, and look me in the eyes and tell me like she always has that 'she knew i could do it' and how proud of me she is, how together with my schoolwork ive always been. god shes supposed to see me go to prom. my senior prom. and see me get married. shes too young to die god dont you know that? shes going to be only 71. SEVENTY ONE. thats, thats just not right to take life so early. i want so badly to see this and be grateful. i do. i really want to. but i cant. i just cant right now. i saw her yesterday in that hospital bed and i didnt see my grandma. shes never let one thing in this WHOLE world get her down ever and this disease has taken its toll. its taking over her whole body. i mean god, why are you letting her suffer like this why? i dont understand. if its her time its her time, as sad as i may be about it, just dont put her through this pain. just let her be comfortable and happy. please. i shouldn't be rambling about this. most of you, well, you probably quit reading a while ago. for those of you who havent. well thanks for making it this far.