..real post. you dont say.
..where do i begin? i haven't felt this broken in a long time.
actually. i'm not sure i've ever felt this broken. i've been like this for a while, but getting my heart broken is just adding insult to injury and its, well, a whole new world of aching. for starters. i want to hate you. i want to be so angry. i want to call you dramatic and a child, and sincerly i wish i could just tell you to suck it up because i normally wouldn't and don't believe in any of what you're feeding me. yet, here i am. hopeless. a pathetic vunerable fucking sap. i didn't ever believe that you could fall in love like this. that i was even capable. so fast. so soon. and so completely. its scary. and i hate it. why do you make me want to help you? theres a select number of people i would ever deal with rollercoasters and this much heartache for and none of them i have ever cared about romantically. i can barely grasp the concept nevertheless act on it. i don't like broken people. i don't date them. i do my best not to even surround myself in people like that. and i certainly don't fall in love with them. you defy all the things i've believed in. all my ways, my actions that i've been set on for a good portion of my life. or maybe you don't. minus our current situation, maybe you are my fairy tale? am i too broken to accept it? to accept you?
i've felt things in the past month that i didn't think were real, and some that i thought i wouldn't feel again. especially not now. you forget that you came as a shock to me too. and you're right. this is different. this is well beyond different and new for me. and i want to call you a selfish asshole. and say that once again, my theory has proven true. because yes, what i thought would happen, did. and all my hopes for us were inaccurate. and yes, you probably have ruined my image of nice guys. but more than any of that i want desperately to wake up from all of this and either have you be there or have this entire thing just been a figment of my imagination. i feel like a piece of me is missing. its sick. its disgusting. and i hate myself for caring so much. and for being so weak. i hate the mental battles that you, just by being around, cause me. you make me love the stupid things about myself that i've never liked, and are quickly making me hate everything about how i look at life.
but i can't change it. and it makes me tired. it's so exhausting strategizing all the time. it wears me out just to think of you. because im incapable of thinking of just one happy thought without following it up with either a reason why i shouldnt be happy about it or how pathetic and lame it is or i just find a quick way on how its going to go wrong, and force myself not to rely on it. i want to show you how destroyed i am over all of this, but i can't. emotionally. physically. unable. i want to cry in front of you. and make you realize this is crushing me more than you think. you know im tough. and yes, thats not a bad thing. too much of a good thing is still too much. wake up, its just an exterior. you say you can't be alone in your head..i can't be involved with people with mine. granted, it hasn't been too much of an issue until this point. i was seriously hoping this rant would release something inside me that been making me feel so hollow lately. so self destructive. but it's done nothing but make me even more upset about my circumstances as of late. i just wish you could know or hear the battles in my head, just for even an hour. i want to stop talking to you. because somehow i think thatll be better for your sanity, and probably mine as well. but damnit im selfish. i do want to fight for you. there are even somedays ill work up the courage to express myself to you in a non letter format, but i always fall apart just before im about to because i talk myself out of the inevitable failure and the even more inevitable heartbreak. why prolong that?
i don't want to be this tough anymore.
so i read my horoscopes in two different papers on the day we ended.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
"Your heart wants what it wants, and it won't give up. There's no escaping! Even when you dream, you're conscious that you're dreaming. Take serious steps to appease your heart."
"You may feel as if you've been pushed to your limit but now it not the time to let things get to you. Change is good. You thrive on it, so let the past go and prepare yourself for an adventure."
I want the first. My heart does, even though it won't get me all too far.
The logical choice is the second.
You tell me, mister. You tell me.
-Jamie
actually. i'm not sure i've ever felt this broken. i've been like this for a while, but getting my heart broken is just adding insult to injury and its, well, a whole new world of aching. for starters. i want to hate you. i want to be so angry. i want to call you dramatic and a child, and sincerly i wish i could just tell you to suck it up because i normally wouldn't and don't believe in any of what you're feeding me. yet, here i am. hopeless. a pathetic vunerable fucking sap. i didn't ever believe that you could fall in love like this. that i was even capable. so fast. so soon. and so completely. its scary. and i hate it. why do you make me want to help you? theres a select number of people i would ever deal with rollercoasters and this much heartache for and none of them i have ever cared about romantically. i can barely grasp the concept nevertheless act on it. i don't like broken people. i don't date them. i do my best not to even surround myself in people like that. and i certainly don't fall in love with them. you defy all the things i've believed in. all my ways, my actions that i've been set on for a good portion of my life. or maybe you don't. minus our current situation, maybe you are my fairy tale? am i too broken to accept it? to accept you?
i've felt things in the past month that i didn't think were real, and some that i thought i wouldn't feel again. especially not now. you forget that you came as a shock to me too. and you're right. this is different. this is well beyond different and new for me. and i want to call you a selfish asshole. and say that once again, my theory has proven true. because yes, what i thought would happen, did. and all my hopes for us were inaccurate. and yes, you probably have ruined my image of nice guys. but more than any of that i want desperately to wake up from all of this and either have you be there or have this entire thing just been a figment of my imagination. i feel like a piece of me is missing. its sick. its disgusting. and i hate myself for caring so much. and for being so weak. i hate the mental battles that you, just by being around, cause me. you make me love the stupid things about myself that i've never liked, and are quickly making me hate everything about how i look at life.
but i can't change it. and it makes me tired. it's so exhausting strategizing all the time. it wears me out just to think of you. because im incapable of thinking of just one happy thought without following it up with either a reason why i shouldnt be happy about it or how pathetic and lame it is or i just find a quick way on how its going to go wrong, and force myself not to rely on it. i want to show you how destroyed i am over all of this, but i can't. emotionally. physically. unable. i want to cry in front of you. and make you realize this is crushing me more than you think. you know im tough. and yes, thats not a bad thing. too much of a good thing is still too much. wake up, its just an exterior. you say you can't be alone in your head..i can't be involved with people with mine. granted, it hasn't been too much of an issue until this point. i was seriously hoping this rant would release something inside me that been making me feel so hollow lately. so self destructive. but it's done nothing but make me even more upset about my circumstances as of late. i just wish you could know or hear the battles in my head, just for even an hour. i want to stop talking to you. because somehow i think thatll be better for your sanity, and probably mine as well. but damnit im selfish. i do want to fight for you. there are even somedays ill work up the courage to express myself to you in a non letter format, but i always fall apart just before im about to because i talk myself out of the inevitable failure and the even more inevitable heartbreak. why prolong that?
i don't want to be this tough anymore.
so i read my horoscopes in two different papers on the day we ended.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
"Your heart wants what it wants, and it won't give up. There's no escaping! Even when you dream, you're conscious that you're dreaming. Take serious steps to appease your heart."
"You may feel as if you've been pushed to your limit but now it not the time to let things get to you. Change is good. You thrive on it, so let the past go and prepare yourself for an adventure."
I want the first. My heart does, even though it won't get me all too far.
The logical choice is the second.
You tell me, mister. You tell me.
-Jamie