i want balls. in a non manly way.

[admittothetruth]

ive declared i officially have to f-ing balls. seriously. i really never ever ask a boy to even hang out, cause i get nervous of rejection. but hey if push comes to shove i will. not this time. its taken me this whole week just to get up the courage to attempt to ask, like bring up the subject. and yet still ive bailed out of every opportunity to ask him. granted im not even asking for marriage, sex, even to date me. i just wanted to hang out outside of work. but ive never been this nervous before. at all. its effed up. and now here i am tonight kicking myself in the ass 37 minutes into my birthday cause i passed up a good 3 chances to ask him tonight, oh and i didnt. so now my birthday will offcially suck cause i have noooothing to do. go me. arent birthdays supposed to be happy anyways? who says? todays was my cousin Ricas 18th birthday. Happy birthday love. hope you day went well. its my first birthday without my gram. like i was thinking of that today in the shower and i just busted out crying, cause if you think about it...this is my first birthday with no family really. even last year as much as we argued i still saw everyone. this year, no gram or pop, aunt laurie uncle chickie. though aunt laurie + uncle sent me a card. i read their christmas cards, the birthday cards. they all just hurt so bad. im not sure they see the position im in. im torn unbelievably by my mom and then the remainder of the family. so i guess that has a huge impact on me. its also my first birthday without lin. really every birthday from what seems like forever we've done something, whether its dinner or shopping or going to see mushroomhead. lord only knows. then today i found out that my wonderful ex step father wants to take christian to Fl. with him, his gf, and her daughters. childish as it is. it makes me so mad. it seems like i finally start accepting it or ignoring it. either way it starts going away and it comes right back up again. its horrible. i love lin so much and that kills whatever we have now.like the fact im so jealous. like donalds trying to make a whole new family. going on family vacations with a new fucking family. how do you do that? make a new family...within a year! an effing year. its like waste no time please. it hurts even more when that stuff comes back, cause then the constant reminder is there in the back of my head saying 'this is the man who destroyed your life. killed your family. torched your mothers heart'. if i wasnt as respectful and mature for my age id have well done something i highlywouldnt have regreted but mightve made the situaion worse. hes always been fake. i shouldve known. im sick of his skin deep love. and everyone elses for that matter.

<3 Jamie

ps
--date for prom still needed.
--oh yes, and happy 13 + 4th birthday to me.