Now I'm going to complain.
I can't usually bring myself to complain about most of the things that are important to me. I'll complain about traffic, stupid customers, little things.
But not the stuff that really gets to me, my failures and the things that I feel most deeply.
Why did I associate those two things?
Anyway.
I'm not capable of really explaining how I feel without thoroughly embarrassing myself, and, of course, Lisa too. And I've strained our friendship enough, even if a lot of the strain wasn't originally coming from me. (This is an asshole statement that I can easily explain away if anyone cares to ask. Or you can just assume I'm blaming someone else for my problems, in which case I will assume that you are a fool and not to be trusted.) Regardless, I won't go into those details here unless something serious warrants doing so (or if I reach a point where I can discuss this stuff openly... whichever).
But I'm going to try to explain a little. Explain, complain...
It's really hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes, for me, just pretending to care enough about life to get through the day is difficult.
It's a good thing that I'm usually asleep or at work. If I spent too long thinking about myself, or my future, I'd end up terrified. I'm right at the edge of passing and failure, and yet I keep passing. I'm just barely shy of the do-or-die final decision time on some of this stuff, and I keep somehow making it.
I have to fight extremely hard to control myself sometimes. Even those of you I've shared some of my real feelings with have only seen the very tip of the iceberg. Lisa herself has only the dimmest, faintest outline of how I really feel about her, and I keep running into obstacles in my attempts to rectify that. I think she thinks I'm just confused. Make no mistake, I am very clear on this subject.
Again, I can't explain in detail, not until I at least explain to her first. It should be enough to say that my feelings are overwhelmingly positive and very, VERY strong.
It is slowly draining me. Running, at full speed, for months, and now I throw in an overpowering need to be near someone else at all times, to see her and make sure she's okay and doesn't need anything and is happy and isn't going through anything bad and and and and and.... It is wearing me down, and I'm fighting it as best I can.
I wish I could just be happy with being not-very-close friends, which is where I am now. If I could content myself with that, and pretend all my other stupidity never happened, that would probably be best.
Thing is, I've tried. I've been trying for weeks now to distance myself, to say that maybe I just latched onto the nearest pretty girl and it will eventually fade, that maybe I'm using my other brain to run my actions. I've tried every attack on this idea I can think of, in a blind panic, afraid I will eventually do something very, very idiotic and get one or both of us in trouble.
I am scared, and I am slowly turning into a new person, and I've been operating at a high level of stress for NO REASON for a really long time. I don't have outlets, I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff and even those who would listen are almost all at work, and I can't discuss this stuff at work for the same reason I can't spend all day making goggly eyes at the short girl in the café.
I almost want to destroy everything. Pack up basic possessions, throw them in my car and leave. Run away from everything and start over, spend a day driving in a screaming rage to some other place. And when I get there, let it all go and be a new person.
I can't do it, though. I can't.
I am scared, almost all of the time now.
Scared of things that I didn't know I felt or wanted, things I think I should do but then I'm afraid of what will happen if I do, and if I don't, and I'm scared of myself and others and this stupid place I live in where people interact and mistrust each other and...
I didn't know it was even POSSIBLE for a person to care so deeply about anything.
I spend my nights awake worrying over this person who just wants to be friends, and lately maybe not even that. Everything I do is interpreted in the worst possible way, and the few times I've tried to explain, someone else walks over or something happens or the moment dies and I just can't make myself heard.
I'm worried about her health, her self-esteem, all kinds of things that I not only shouldn't care about, but probably shouldn't even be aware of. Again, I tried to do something else.
In the telling lies the truth. That's a relatively new motto of mine. If that's true - and if I'm not able to tell, to explain my feelings, my stance, my opinion, and then ask if it matters to anyone...
I'm afraid I won't exist. That I will fade and just be another sad story, one of those (supposedly) hyper-intelligent kids who never quite fit in, who stepped on a lot of toes, who nobody really disliked but nobody went out of their way to spend time with either and he finally faded one day and disappeared.
Or died.
I have a deep-seated need to explain. Right now that's manifesting in my repeatedly blunted attempts to clear the air with my friend-that-I-drive-up-the-wall, but if I am ever able to give full vent to that, if I ever somehow run out of things to say on that score and finish, really FINISH...
I've been saying it for a while. I need a therapist. Or I need to write a book, a biography or just a collection of thoughts on things that nobody will ever read or care about.
I've made myself into a person that nobody wants to be with. And I fell into a trap that almost every guy in history has fallen into, only I've fallen all the way in and not only can't get out, but wouldn't leave if I could. And it's just serving to upset everyone, and it's not going to plan at all and I can't just say how I feel because even that is an event in itself that requires a lot of work because just hanging out is a significant amount of work to arrange lately, and...
Like I said. I'm scared. Of lots of things.
I swore I wouldn't do another post like this. Sorry. I had to vent a little. Even just 1% of what I want to say. I got too close to my personal redline and I don't want to risk what happens if I go over, so if that means I embarrass myself here, then fine. Not like I have any lower to sink anyway.
I love this girl. I love her so much that that, too, scares me.
But not the stuff that really gets to me, my failures and the things that I feel most deeply.
Why did I associate those two things?
Anyway.
I'm not capable of really explaining how I feel without thoroughly embarrassing myself, and, of course, Lisa too. And I've strained our friendship enough, even if a lot of the strain wasn't originally coming from me. (This is an asshole statement that I can easily explain away if anyone cares to ask. Or you can just assume I'm blaming someone else for my problems, in which case I will assume that you are a fool and not to be trusted.) Regardless, I won't go into those details here unless something serious warrants doing so (or if I reach a point where I can discuss this stuff openly... whichever).
But I'm going to try to explain a little. Explain, complain...
It's really hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes, for me, just pretending to care enough about life to get through the day is difficult.
It's a good thing that I'm usually asleep or at work. If I spent too long thinking about myself, or my future, I'd end up terrified. I'm right at the edge of passing and failure, and yet I keep passing. I'm just barely shy of the do-or-die final decision time on some of this stuff, and I keep somehow making it.
I have to fight extremely hard to control myself sometimes. Even those of you I've shared some of my real feelings with have only seen the very tip of the iceberg. Lisa herself has only the dimmest, faintest outline of how I really feel about her, and I keep running into obstacles in my attempts to rectify that. I think she thinks I'm just confused. Make no mistake, I am very clear on this subject.
Again, I can't explain in detail, not until I at least explain to her first. It should be enough to say that my feelings are overwhelmingly positive and very, VERY strong.
It is slowly draining me. Running, at full speed, for months, and now I throw in an overpowering need to be near someone else at all times, to see her and make sure she's okay and doesn't need anything and is happy and isn't going through anything bad and and and and and.... It is wearing me down, and I'm fighting it as best I can.
I wish I could just be happy with being not-very-close friends, which is where I am now. If I could content myself with that, and pretend all my other stupidity never happened, that would probably be best.
Thing is, I've tried. I've been trying for weeks now to distance myself, to say that maybe I just latched onto the nearest pretty girl and it will eventually fade, that maybe I'm using my other brain to run my actions. I've tried every attack on this idea I can think of, in a blind panic, afraid I will eventually do something very, very idiotic and get one or both of us in trouble.
I am scared, and I am slowly turning into a new person, and I've been operating at a high level of stress for NO REASON for a really long time. I don't have outlets, I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff and even those who would listen are almost all at work, and I can't discuss this stuff at work for the same reason I can't spend all day making goggly eyes at the short girl in the café.
I almost want to destroy everything. Pack up basic possessions, throw them in my car and leave. Run away from everything and start over, spend a day driving in a screaming rage to some other place. And when I get there, let it all go and be a new person.
I can't do it, though. I can't.
I am scared, almost all of the time now.
Scared of things that I didn't know I felt or wanted, things I think I should do but then I'm afraid of what will happen if I do, and if I don't, and I'm scared of myself and others and this stupid place I live in where people interact and mistrust each other and...
I didn't know it was even POSSIBLE for a person to care so deeply about anything.
I spend my nights awake worrying over this person who just wants to be friends, and lately maybe not even that. Everything I do is interpreted in the worst possible way, and the few times I've tried to explain, someone else walks over or something happens or the moment dies and I just can't make myself heard.
I'm worried about her health, her self-esteem, all kinds of things that I not only shouldn't care about, but probably shouldn't even be aware of. Again, I tried to do something else.
In the telling lies the truth. That's a relatively new motto of mine. If that's true - and if I'm not able to tell, to explain my feelings, my stance, my opinion, and then ask if it matters to anyone...
I'm afraid I won't exist. That I will fade and just be another sad story, one of those (supposedly) hyper-intelligent kids who never quite fit in, who stepped on a lot of toes, who nobody really disliked but nobody went out of their way to spend time with either and he finally faded one day and disappeared.
Or died.
I have a deep-seated need to explain. Right now that's manifesting in my repeatedly blunted attempts to clear the air with my friend-that-I-drive-up-the-wall, but if I am ever able to give full vent to that, if I ever somehow run out of things to say on that score and finish, really FINISH...
I've been saying it for a while. I need a therapist. Or I need to write a book, a biography or just a collection of thoughts on things that nobody will ever read or care about.
I've made myself into a person that nobody wants to be with. And I fell into a trap that almost every guy in history has fallen into, only I've fallen all the way in and not only can't get out, but wouldn't leave if I could. And it's just serving to upset everyone, and it's not going to plan at all and I can't just say how I feel because even that is an event in itself that requires a lot of work because just hanging out is a significant amount of work to arrange lately, and...
Like I said. I'm scared. Of lots of things.
I swore I wouldn't do another post like this. Sorry. I had to vent a little. Even just 1% of what I want to say. I got too close to my personal redline and I don't want to risk what happens if I go over, so if that means I embarrass myself here, then fine. Not like I have any lower to sink anyway.
I love this girl. I love her so much that that, too, scares me.