Earth, Starfleet Command
::routine transmission from Voyager came later than expected, put in extra hours waiting::
::...for what?...no visual or audio this time, only terse text::
::there would have been no visual or audio from...Thomas...even so::
::clears lump from throat, running thumb along flexy, staring at contents downloaded from data stream::
::stares more::
Maybe I haven't been fair to you.
That's not a full apology…and it doesn't change some of the things you did. But if there's one thing being a father has taught me it's that some things are just untellable. We do the best we can, even if we don't always get the fact that it's wrong…until it's too late.
Caldik Prime, the Maquis, and 'Zealand…all through those you accused me of not caring about Starfleet, our family legacy, all you had tried to give me. Of course I cared. I was ecstatic when Moira and Kathleen decided not to test for the Academy…I wanted to be your shining son. I bottled my first dream and gave up the Naval Patrol for that, I gave Starfleet Academy the best I had to offer…even if it wasn't always what you wanted. I was just looking toward the end, not the means.
And then when I killed Odile and Bruno and Charlie…I was still looking toward your end. In lying I was trying to keep my career, even though I couldn't get a solid hour's sleep for nightmares of them.
I guess you could say I broke when they took my commission. Drink, drugs, sex…any of them worked. Women were the best, and Sandrine reminded me of Odile. She didn't have anything to offer forgiveness for, though. She loved me, Sandrine, in a way that defied definition or expectation. I never quite expected to find that again…
If you had held out your hand then…it would have been all right, in some ways. I could have healed eventually.
You didn't. And so I found the Maquis. Chakotay was only the second man in my life whose respect I ever wanted. I couldn't even earn that. I copped out on my first mission, ran cold and scared…and oh, yeah, I was caught. New Zealand was hell. But I knew I deserved it.
I don't know why I accepted Janeway's offer. Maybe I was running cold and scared again. I betrayed Chakotay's more than generous trust all over again, hired myself out to a Federation who didn't give a damn about me beyond worrying about what trouble I'd cause next. I whored myself for you.
It's been a while.
Voyager couldn't change some things. I've fought hard for every shred of responsibility and respect I have…sometimes despite myself. It was hell early on.
Our Maquis Chief Engineer, B'Elanna Torres, made it better for a while. She understood in ways no one else could have. But then B'Elanna died, and damn near killed me. I was fortunate to have someone else pick up my charity case.
I wish you could have met Kes. She was the most beautiful, stubborn, curious…pure soul I've ever encountered. There isn't anyone on this ship who didn't love her. I still can't begin to understand how I was lucky enough to have her. A part of me will never really accept that I deserved it, deserved any of the things she gave me.
But fatherhood has taught me a lot.
You held out your hand the other day and I pushed it away.
Well, I'm a little too tired to keep that distance, it's still too far home in other ways. I'd like to think that age has made both of us a little less intractable and a little more accepting.
I suppose if you look at the end and not the means, I'm doing all right….even by you…at last.
I don't know that it means anything now, but I do believe I finally understand.
I just hope someday I get the chance to look in your eyes...without light-years between us...to see if you do as well.
Tom
::stares::
::turns flexy over slowly to face down on desk, rising slowly from seat to approach bay windows::
::orders lights dim, staring out at a San Francisco sunset::
::...for what?...no visual or audio this time, only terse text::
::there would have been no visual or audio from...Thomas...even so::
::clears lump from throat, running thumb along flexy, staring at contents downloaded from data stream::
::stares more::
Maybe I haven't been fair to you.
That's not a full apology…and it doesn't change some of the things you did. But if there's one thing being a father has taught me it's that some things are just untellable. We do the best we can, even if we don't always get the fact that it's wrong…until it's too late.
Caldik Prime, the Maquis, and 'Zealand…all through those you accused me of not caring about Starfleet, our family legacy, all you had tried to give me. Of course I cared. I was ecstatic when Moira and Kathleen decided not to test for the Academy…I wanted to be your shining son. I bottled my first dream and gave up the Naval Patrol for that, I gave Starfleet Academy the best I had to offer…even if it wasn't always what you wanted. I was just looking toward the end, not the means.
And then when I killed Odile and Bruno and Charlie…I was still looking toward your end. In lying I was trying to keep my career, even though I couldn't get a solid hour's sleep for nightmares of them.
I guess you could say I broke when they took my commission. Drink, drugs, sex…any of them worked. Women were the best, and Sandrine reminded me of Odile. She didn't have anything to offer forgiveness for, though. She loved me, Sandrine, in a way that defied definition or expectation. I never quite expected to find that again…
If you had held out your hand then…it would have been all right, in some ways. I could have healed eventually.
You didn't. And so I found the Maquis. Chakotay was only the second man in my life whose respect I ever wanted. I couldn't even earn that. I copped out on my first mission, ran cold and scared…and oh, yeah, I was caught. New Zealand was hell. But I knew I deserved it.
I don't know why I accepted Janeway's offer. Maybe I was running cold and scared again. I betrayed Chakotay's more than generous trust all over again, hired myself out to a Federation who didn't give a damn about me beyond worrying about what trouble I'd cause next. I whored myself for you.
It's been a while.
Voyager couldn't change some things. I've fought hard for every shred of responsibility and respect I have…sometimes despite myself. It was hell early on.
Our Maquis Chief Engineer, B'Elanna Torres, made it better for a while. She understood in ways no one else could have. But then B'Elanna died, and damn near killed me. I was fortunate to have someone else pick up my charity case.
I wish you could have met Kes. She was the most beautiful, stubborn, curious…pure soul I've ever encountered. There isn't anyone on this ship who didn't love her. I still can't begin to understand how I was lucky enough to have her. A part of me will never really accept that I deserved it, deserved any of the things she gave me.
But fatherhood has taught me a lot.
You held out your hand the other day and I pushed it away.
Well, I'm a little too tired to keep that distance, it's still too far home in other ways. I'd like to think that age has made both of us a little less intractable and a little more accepting.
I suppose if you look at the end and not the means, I'm doing all right….even by you…at last.
I don't know that it means anything now, but I do believe I finally understand.
I just hope someday I get the chance to look in your eyes...without light-years between us...to see if you do as well.
Tom
::stares::
::turns flexy over slowly to face down on desk, rising slowly from seat to approach bay windows::
::orders lights dim, staring out at a San Francisco sunset::