anticipation
i feel like as i get older -- today being my 26th birthday -- that i should, in some way, remind myself that i'm an adult. this isn't usually difficult. most of the time i'm happy with how i react and how i deal with outside stimulus, whether it's good or bad news. i don't act irrational. i don't burst into temper tantrums or feel the need for attention eating away at me like some same-aged people i know.
but a strange friend visited me last night and i felt kinda weird. at once petty like a child. but to be honest, i felt kind of heartbroken. for the first time in a long time, i was jealous. and it felt fucking numbing. and i felt so stupid and ashamed for falling into it.
because the truth is, what led me to jealousy was none of my business. it came up in conversation. it should have been expected. i don't know what perfect world fantasy i had created that the possibility never entered my mind. but when i was told certain details, it hit me like a palette of bricks. i never saw it coming.
and i thought i had complete control.
long story short, it dug in and stayed with me for the rest of the night. it's not til today that i'm letting it go after clunking around in my mind and going through all the whys and what fors.
i guess that's a lesson in not hyping things. i guess i should stop lying to myself. perfect romantic ideals are really just misconceptions.
and it wouldn't have happened if we talked about it sooner.
agh *shrug*
- greggles
but a strange friend visited me last night and i felt kinda weird. at once petty like a child. but to be honest, i felt kind of heartbroken. for the first time in a long time, i was jealous. and it felt fucking numbing. and i felt so stupid and ashamed for falling into it.
because the truth is, what led me to jealousy was none of my business. it came up in conversation. it should have been expected. i don't know what perfect world fantasy i had created that the possibility never entered my mind. but when i was told certain details, it hit me like a palette of bricks. i never saw it coming.
and i thought i had complete control.
long story short, it dug in and stayed with me for the rest of the night. it's not til today that i'm letting it go after clunking around in my mind and going through all the whys and what fors.
i guess that's a lesson in not hyping things. i guess i should stop lying to myself. perfect romantic ideals are really just misconceptions.
and it wouldn't have happened if we talked about it sooner.
agh *shrug*
- greggles