Ramblings.
[mood| 
melancholy]
[music| Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch]
I feel like I need to write something. like I need to get things off my chest. But what do I say without sounding like a broken record?
I definitely feel trapped in my life. Like one of those toys from when I was a kid. You wind it up and let it go and it zooms off, usually running into a wall with a "thunk!" and bouncing off before zooming off toward another wall and doing the same thing. It does the same thing over and over until it runs out of kinetic energy from winding it up.
I'm waiting for my license to practice law in the mail. I passed my exams a couple of months ago, but there were snafus that held up my license. I finally got in touch with someone from the State and got the ball rolling again. They said my license would come in five to seven days, which means it comes today, or tomorrow, or Monday. I feel like I'm stuck until I get it.
I have a doctor's appointment in a few days, too. It's a general, annual physical. But I have other concerns I have to have addressed. I had a pain in my right breast that I attributed to a pulled muscle at first. Then I was on my period and attributed the pain to that. Then I felt a lump. There's still pain now, and I'm no longer on my menstrual cycle. I didn't think much of it until a friend pointed out that his usually antisocial dog was following me everywhere at his house and laying right next to me. My friend actually jokingly asked me if I was sick or something. I downplayed it, but I started to notice that my own animals were following me around too. Sticking to me like white on rice. And I had read many stories of how animals know when humans are sick. It made me nervous.
A different friend of mine, [Mickey], told me recently that femininity isn't about how you look. To be a woman comes from inside you. And I totally understand where that comes from. I totally understand her words. But no matter how independent or strong you think you are as a woman, there's a basic, primal instinct inside of you that knows you were made to breed. You were made to be pretty and produce offspring. Last year, I was told that my primal, basic job was going to be nearly impossible for me. That made me feel like less of a woman, even though I knew that it shouldn't. After my brain surgery, I had to cut off all my hair. My long, brown hair that nearly touched my tailbone. I had never had short hair in my life. I was proud of my hair and how soft and long it was. I even kind of liked the color of brown. i had natural blonde highlights in it. But I had to shave it all off. And it made me feel like less of a woman. Even though, logically, I knew it shouldn't. A lot of women had short hair. But I didn't. I wasn't one of those women. I was one of the ones that always had long, thick, sweeping hair that I wore proudly...almost like a peacock with it's feathers. Now, with this concern of my breast, we all know what it might be. And what might happen. I understand it could a myriad of other things too, but I've had such shit luck health-wise lately that I don't know what to think anymore. But I know that I've already taken hits to my womanhood. I don't think I could handle losing anymore of it. The thought makes me sick.
And I'm probably worrying about all this for nothing. I'm not sure. But it's still scary. My mom agreed to go with me. Simply because I'm scared. 80% of my days, I stand tall. I put my chin up and I stand strong against everything that's come at me. I withstand the gale force winds of my psyche and remain positive. People that hear my story tell me I'm strong, that I'm their hero. And I smile, and say thank you, and remain humble. Because they see the good days and the good face I put on. But in reality, there's still those 20% of days where I'm on my knees. I cry and I scream and I hate the hand I've been dealt. There are those days where, in my mind, I'm on the ground, fingers clawed into the dirt, crying like someone just reached in and ripped out my chest. I can't catch a breath. My face can't seem to break the contortion of absolute heartbreak. You all know what I'm talking about. That kind of cry where you just can't stop. Every sob that comes out is silent because you just can't get the air to make a sound. Those are my bad days.
But I still have good days. I go out into the world and socialize. I smile. And most of the time, those smiles are genuine. There's been a lot of stress on me lately. Which is why the song Jekyll and Hyde by Five Finger Death Punch has been playing in my head a lot lately.
"There's just so much god damned weight on my shoulders
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside..."
Jekyll and Hyde - Five Finger Death Punch
I'm stressed, yes. And angry. But I try to keep my head above water. Music really helps me with that.
I'm gonna get off of here now. Because mostly, I've run out of things to say and I feel like I'm talking in circles. Regardless, remain positive even on the darkest days. Because, speaking of music always helping me through stuff, as the Real McKenzies say, "It's the best day 'til tomorrow."
- The Admiral
melancholy]
[music| Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch]
I feel like I need to write something. like I need to get things off my chest. But what do I say without sounding like a broken record?
I definitely feel trapped in my life. Like one of those toys from when I was a kid. You wind it up and let it go and it zooms off, usually running into a wall with a "thunk!" and bouncing off before zooming off toward another wall and doing the same thing. It does the same thing over and over until it runs out of kinetic energy from winding it up.
I'm waiting for my license to practice law in the mail. I passed my exams a couple of months ago, but there were snafus that held up my license. I finally got in touch with someone from the State and got the ball rolling again. They said my license would come in five to seven days, which means it comes today, or tomorrow, or Monday. I feel like I'm stuck until I get it.
I have a doctor's appointment in a few days, too. It's a general, annual physical. But I have other concerns I have to have addressed. I had a pain in my right breast that I attributed to a pulled muscle at first. Then I was on my period and attributed the pain to that. Then I felt a lump. There's still pain now, and I'm no longer on my menstrual cycle. I didn't think much of it until a friend pointed out that his usually antisocial dog was following me everywhere at his house and laying right next to me. My friend actually jokingly asked me if I was sick or something. I downplayed it, but I started to notice that my own animals were following me around too. Sticking to me like white on rice. And I had read many stories of how animals know when humans are sick. It made me nervous.
A different friend of mine, [Mickey], told me recently that femininity isn't about how you look. To be a woman comes from inside you. And I totally understand where that comes from. I totally understand her words. But no matter how independent or strong you think you are as a woman, there's a basic, primal instinct inside of you that knows you were made to breed. You were made to be pretty and produce offspring. Last year, I was told that my primal, basic job was going to be nearly impossible for me. That made me feel like less of a woman, even though I knew that it shouldn't. After my brain surgery, I had to cut off all my hair. My long, brown hair that nearly touched my tailbone. I had never had short hair in my life. I was proud of my hair and how soft and long it was. I even kind of liked the color of brown. i had natural blonde highlights in it. But I had to shave it all off. And it made me feel like less of a woman. Even though, logically, I knew it shouldn't. A lot of women had short hair. But I didn't. I wasn't one of those women. I was one of the ones that always had long, thick, sweeping hair that I wore proudly...almost like a peacock with it's feathers. Now, with this concern of my breast, we all know what it might be. And what might happen. I understand it could a myriad of other things too, but I've had such shit luck health-wise lately that I don't know what to think anymore. But I know that I've already taken hits to my womanhood. I don't think I could handle losing anymore of it. The thought makes me sick.
And I'm probably worrying about all this for nothing. I'm not sure. But it's still scary. My mom agreed to go with me. Simply because I'm scared. 80% of my days, I stand tall. I put my chin up and I stand strong against everything that's come at me. I withstand the gale force winds of my psyche and remain positive. People that hear my story tell me I'm strong, that I'm their hero. And I smile, and say thank you, and remain humble. Because they see the good days and the good face I put on. But in reality, there's still those 20% of days where I'm on my knees. I cry and I scream and I hate the hand I've been dealt. There are those days where, in my mind, I'm on the ground, fingers clawed into the dirt, crying like someone just reached in and ripped out my chest. I can't catch a breath. My face can't seem to break the contortion of absolute heartbreak. You all know what I'm talking about. That kind of cry where you just can't stop. Every sob that comes out is silent because you just can't get the air to make a sound. Those are my bad days.
But I still have good days. I go out into the world and socialize. I smile. And most of the time, those smiles are genuine. There's been a lot of stress on me lately. Which is why the song Jekyll and Hyde by Five Finger Death Punch has been playing in my head a lot lately.
"There's just so much god damned weight on my shoulders
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside..."
Jekyll and Hyde - Five Finger Death Punch
I'm stressed, yes. And angry. But I try to keep my head above water. Music really helps me with that.
I'm gonna get off of here now. Because mostly, I've run out of things to say and I feel like I'm talking in circles. Regardless, remain positive even on the darkest days. Because, speaking of music always helping me through stuff, as the Real McKenzies say, "It's the best day 'til tomorrow."
- The Admiral