FIC: A Different Way of Thinking 1
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, nor am I writing this for profit. The characters belong to the WB and DC comics. No copyright infringement is intended.
Fandom: Birds of Prey
Pairing: Barbara/Helena
Rating: 15
Authors Notes: Thank you for reading. Any comments or criticism can be directed to adliren@gmail.com.
This story is a continuation of the series What it Means to Be a Hero. If you haven’t read the first part, Getting Back on Your Feet, I suggest you do so now (but really, it’s up to you).
Acknowledgements: Phryne for all comments, suggestions, corrections, and just plain *work* that goes into beta reading any story - but especially one of mine.
What it Means to Be a Hero
Part 2: A Different Way of Thinking (1)
By: adliren
Rocking slightly with the waves that lapped against the New Gotham docks, the Fallen Star seemed to eerily echo the city in the distance - both formed from shadowy lines, hunched over and painted on the dark canvas of the night. The cargo ship was scheduled to unload at its twilight arrival but, after a routine docking, no one had disembarked. The harbor master, having gone aboard to see what was wrong, had immediately run back out, his face white, and called the police.
Huntress reached up to rub her eyebrow, a habit that often displayed her frustration, and sighed when her fingers encountered stiff neoprene. Sliding a finger under the offending obstruction, she allowed the sea breeze to cool her overheated skin. She hated wearing a mask. Even if it barely covered any of her face, it was too much in her opinion. She continued to poke and prod the material, trying in vain to make it fit more comfortably.
Helena forcefully brought her hands down and clutched the edge of the building that offered a clear view of the Fallen Star. Golden eyes scanned the dock dockyards searching for anything unusual, but the night was quiet and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Except for the occasional flutter of wind-tossed paper, there was no movement at all.
Looking to her left she identified the shape of Nightwing, also scouting from the rooftops. Canary would be down below, probably still in the Hummer, waiting for Barbara’s signal to move in, just as Nightwing and Huntress were.
Helena’s com crackled to life. “Everything seems clear. There’s no evidence of movement on the security cameras. Anything on your end?” They both responded in the negative. “Okay then. Huntress, Nightwing, approach slowly, we don’t know what we’re dealing with. Canary stay behind them and act as backup.”
Huntress didn’t bother to respond, instead, she casually stepped off the seven-story building to land gracefully on her feet a moment later. She waited patiently as Nightwing descended on a wire, and together they headed toward the cargo ship. When they got within a hundred yards, Nightwing indicated that she should head up the ramp and he would take the direct route onto the deck using a cable. Helena nodded in confirmation, and without another word she flowed up the metal incline.
Reaching the deck at the same time, the two crime fighters quickly took defensive positions, fully expecting to be attacked by an assailant. It paid to be paranoid in their line of work. In this case however, it didn’t appear to be necessary; the upper level of the ship was as deserted as the rest of the docks.
“Oracle, we’re on deck. No sign of anything strange. Certainly nothing to make the harbor master call the police.” Nightwing’s voice was low, the sound only carrying a few feet from his body.
Dick had been handling most of the communications with the woman on the other end of the coms for several months now. Huntress’ contributions were generally confined to one word acknowledgments, or terse descriptions. Helena knew the strain was starting to wear on all of them, but it couldn’t be helped. It seemed that she and Barbara were able to maintain a working relationship, but their friendship had suffered a crippling blow.
Helena winced at her own choice of words. That’s what it felt like, however - as if her heart had somehow been paralyzed by Barbara’s discovery of her feelings and her subsequent rejection of all that the older woman had offered. It didn’t matter that she’d had good reasons for turning Barbara down; nothing seemed to matter when she was faced with the loss of her best friend.
She’d hoped that time would start to heal the painful wounds, but that dream had faded and eventually died as the months wore on and they continued to interact only as Huntress and Oracle, rarely even meeting in person. If Helena thought not being able to touch the other woman had been agony, she would now admit that this was an insignificant pain when compared to the torture of not being able to even see Barbara.
Somehow they had managed to limp through the summer in their current condition. Barbara had taught summer school and Helena had thrown herself into work at the Dark Horse and summer classes at the university. She had been shocked at how well she had done in her spring semester, the classes giving her something to focus on besides the gaping hole in her life that Barbara used to fill. It looked as if she would do just as well this summer if things kept going the way they were, and Helena saw no reason for them to suddenly change. She might even graduate with honors. Wouldn’t that just make Barbara proud?
Except Barbara didn’t know anything about Helena’s life anymore. She had purposefully cut off all contact that wasn’t strictly related to defending New Gotham. Helena was well aware that Dinah sometimes let Barbara know that she was alright and what she was doing, just as Helena pumped the blond for information on the older woman every chance she got. But other than that and the fact that Helena showed up for sweeps, she figured Barbara wouldn’t even know if she dropped dead.
Sometimes Helena wondered if *she* would know; she already felt dead inside.
“Go ahead and check the lower decks, but be careful. Something doesn’t feel right.”
‘Ya think? Seems like another day on the Royal Caribbean to me.’
Helena desperately wanted to voice her flippant response, but it wasn’t her place anymore. Oracle had made it clear that she wanted it to be strictly business between them unless Helena wanted to discuss their failed attempt at being more than just friends. Since Helena didn’t, she just kept quiet.
“We copy, Oracle. Moving in.”
Nightwing signaled for Helena to lead the way. She would never admit it, but Dick had actually been really great about all this. He hadn’t once tried to bring up the situation with her which was fortunate - she didn’t think she could have kept from smashing his face in - instead, he had just continued to go on sweeps and avoid her whenever possible. It was one less irritation that might potentially send her over the edge, and she was grateful.
Helena considered taking the steps one at a time, but didn’t like leaving her legs exposed, so instead she took a small leap, landing gracefully at the bottom of the steep staircase - or she would have if something wet and glistening hadn’t coated the floor, causing her to slip and fall on her side.
Instantly recognizing the smell . . . and feel . . . of blood, Huntress scrambled to her feet. The congealing liquid was everywhere, splashed on the walls, drenching the hallway floor, even dripping from the ceiling, and now a good portion of it coated Helena as well.
“Holy fuck!”
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Helena’s exclamation had been nothing more than a shocked whisper, but Oracle immediately heard the distress behind the words.
“Huntress what do you see?”
“Blood, lots of blood.”
Helena sounded like she was trying not to breathe, her voice a thready murmur. If the situation was as bad as Huntress’ voice intimated, Barbara couldn’t imagine the assault on the other woman’s meta-senses. She tried to speak soothingly, not wanting to disturb her even more.
“Are there any bodies, Huntress?”
“No, there’s nothing. Just the blood.” Barbara heard a series of thuds over the speakers. “Hang on a sec, Nightwing’s coming down.”
“Holy shit!”
“Yeah that was my reaction too. At least you didn’t take a bath in it.”
Barbara let out a sigh. If she was making jokes, even ones in poor taste, Helena was probably fine.
“Nightwing, Huntress, see if you can locate the missing crew members.”
“Uh, Oracle, they’re not going to be in one piece. I’d really rather not go on a scavenger hunt for body parts.”
Did Helena think she liked ordering her to? If she could Barbara would be out there herself, instead of being stuck in the clock tower waiting for them to report.
“Just find them, Huntress.”
Barbara winced when the sharp retort left her mouth. She didn’t mean it, but Helena just made her so frustrated.
There was silence over the coms, until Nightwing spoke. “We’re going now, Oracle. I’ll check the crew quarters and Huntress will take the hold.”
“Fine, make sure you keep checking in.”
Barbara hated putting Dick in the middle of this, but from the very beginning he had been there for her.
*****
When Helena made her pronouncement that they couldn’t become romantically involved, something had died inside of Barbara. That was the only way she could think of it. Some hope that she hadn’t even known she possessed simply folded over and expired, leaving her feeling as empty as the day she realized she would never walk again.
The anger - no, the fury - that had overcome her in the last moments of their conversation met a quick end, leaving her feeling drained and horribly depressed. She didn’t know what to do. Everything had happened too quickly, too fast. As Batgirl, she had been used to thinking on her feet, taking whatever life threw at her, but since the shooting that was no longer an option. Now after almost eight years of very little change in her personal life - barring the Quinn incident - suddenly *everything* had changed in the space of a few hours.
Of course, looking back, something she couldn’t seem to avoid doing, it had been building steadily, just waiting for the right time to explode in a burst of fiery destruction, intent on taking her with it. Life as she had knew it was in shambles, and she truly didn’t know if she could put herself back together this time. This time there was no Helena to help her.
Rolling out onto the balcony, she wrapped her arms around herself and simply tried to breathe.
That was how Dick found her shortly after returning to the clock tower, some sixth sense alerting him to Barbara’s need. She was hunched over in her chair, shoulders shaking as she tried desperately to keep the tears from falling. Without a word, without asking what had happened, he simply wrapped her tightly in his arms and rocked with her, whispering apologies into her hair.
Managing to get herself somewhat under control she pushed him back. “What are you apologizing for?”
Dick looked so sad and lost Barbara found herself wanting to comfort him. “I’m so sorry for pushing you. If I hadn’t said anything, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Do you really believe that? Obviously you saw the way Helena felt about me . . . and the way I felt about her.”
Barbara wasn’t sure Dick could hear her final admission over the sound of the wind. It was so new, admitting her feelings for Helena - hell, even admitting to feelings in general. She hadn’t even known about them until a couple of hours ago.
Idly, she wondered how many other people knew or suspected. Alfred’s name ghosted across her consciousness. That was a given, Alfred knew everything. Sometimes she wondered why she didn’t just retire and have him become Oracle. He’d probably do a better job.
Recognizing the self-pity and hating it, Barbara tried to push down her feelings. “Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner?!” She wasn’t really sure she was taking to Dick, but he answered anyway.
“Well, I didn’t know. Of course, I sensed something after she came to live with you, but I never put two and two together.”
“I’m glad you didn’t! I couldn’t have handled knowing she was in love with me then. It would have been wrong!”
Dick made gentle shushing movements. “I know, Babs, but things change. You both changed and grew up. I never thought I’d admit it, but Helena’s not so bad anymore. She’s still surly, sarcastic, cocky, violent, insensitive, and just plain rude, but she’s also become a great crime fighter. I don’t understand it, but I know she loves you. I don’t know why she won’t admit it.”
“Oh Dick, I know she does. She admitted it, and then went on to tell me that nothing could come of it. She gave me some nonsense about her nature making her too unpredictable and she couldn’t risk it.”
Barbara was helpless to keep the bitterness out of her voice. She hated when people tried to control her life, and as far as she was concerned that’s just what Helena had done. She’d made a decision that should have been resolved between them. Barbara should have had some input in the relationship since - even if she knew nothing else - she believed Helena would never willingly hurt her.
“Maybe she was right.”
“She wasn’t.” Barbara was adamant.
Dick gave a rueful laugh and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. “You know… if this were a trashy romance novel, I’d sweep you off your feet and you’d seek comfort in my arms after being scorned by your one true love.”
Barbara scowled at him. “First of all, there would be no sweeping of feet; maybe sweeping me off my chair…” Her lips turned down as she became serious. “Second, Helena is not my “true love.” I was ready to try a romantic relationship but, dammit Dick, I haven’t had time to figure out how *much* I love her.”
“I hate to point this out, mostly because I know you could still beat me up, but you two have been together a long time. Maybe it’s not so much about analyzing how much you love her, and more about recognizing what the love you’ve always had for her has become.”
Barbara took a moment to sort through this tangle of words. When she was done, she gave a small sigh. “When did you get so smart?”
Recognizing that Barbara needed some space and time to think, he replied simply. “I’ve always been this smart; everyone just focused on the green tights and made assumptions.”
Before she could contain it, a burst of laughter escaped her throat. Pretty soon, Dick was joining in, and they laughed until tears were pooling in Barbara’s eyes.
“Thank you Dick. I needed that.”
“My pleasure Babs.”
Several minutes passed in comfortable silence.
“So what are you going to do?”
Barbara gazed out at the city. Helena was out there. She wanted to hate the brunette for putting her through this, except she knew the other woman was hurting just as much as she was, maybe more. Helena’s emotions had always controlled her, and Barbara was worried. She was even more worried, however, about the consequences if she tried to push the brunette. When Helena admitted that she could hurt the older woman, Barbara could not have imagined the horror in those pleading blue eyes.
For now, it seemed best to let Helena set the pace. Barbara would wait for her to decide that she was wrong - which she was - and then do something about it. Now that she knew what she wanted, she was going to get it, but she wouldn’t be the one to go begging. Helena couldn’t hold out long anyway, she’d never been able to. Eventually, when Helena was ready, she would approach Barbara again, and they could start working through their mutual attraction.
Keeping her eyes on the twinkling lights of the city, she purposefully answered Dick with words from the past. “I’m going to give her the time she needs and be here for her when she’s ready.”
*****
“Oracle?”
“I’m here Huntress.”
Barbara’s thoughts returned to the present when Helena’s voice came in over the speakers.
“I’m in the cargo hold. I’ve found the crew.”
“Are there any survivors Huntress?”
“. . . No.”
She waited a moment. “Huntress?”
When Helena finally responded, Barbara quickly began opening search windows on the Delphi, scanning her database of known villains. Something very bad had come to New Gotham.
“There’s no blood Oracle, but they’ve all been . . . chewed on.”
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