Sigh
Well, I know I need to do a lot of updating, but I'm not sure even where to start.
It's officially been a month since Sam and I broke up.
I'm not talking to her. She called for a long time, but I finally snapped at her and asked her not to call. She texted a few days ago, ironically the morning after I had broken down over the whole thing and dreamed about her. It wasn't much, just letting me know I had things at her house still. Honestly, I don't care. Even if I get those things back I'm just going to bury them in my closet so I don't have to see them and be reminded.
I was spending a lot of time with my friends Jas and Cas. They were making sure I stayed out of the house and kept from moping. I got drunk for the first time (not fun) and lost my job. I don't really care much about the job at the Holiday Inn. They didn't care that I left, and I got my job at Gordmans back, so...
But Cas's dad committed suicide earlier this week. I feel so bad for them and everything they're going through. I want to see them, but they've stayed home the last few nights we were supposed to go out. I'm not sure what to do...
I've also been hanging out with Gavin a lot. He's someone I met at club the night I got drunk (about two weeks ago). He's really sweet, and we've fooled around a bit. It's nice just to be held by someone again, and although I appreciate his friendship, I'm not really interested in him that way. Yeah, we can mess around, but I don't see myself falling in love with him (or anyone, for that matter) anytime soon.
I have been thinking about Dominick a bit more lately, but even that I think is more from loneliness than anything. Once again Dom has gone back to ignoring my very existence. I suppose it was stupid to think he loved me in the first place, but...
I still have a HUGE crush on Kylie. I don't know what it is about her, but I just want to get to know her. She's friends with Jas, and Jas promised to throw a bon-fire and invite her so I can talk with her. I'm too much of a chicken to approach her myself without some kind of connection, and right now our only connections are the Holiday Inn and Sam. Not a great way to bond.
It's funny the way I feel. Gavin is everything I normally would be into, but I'm not really into him, while Kylie is everything I normally avoid, and it's just like a magnet pulling me to her. Gavin is really sweet, intelligent, and knows the right balance of attention/giving me space. He's transitioning F-to-M, but he's comfortable with his body (the only reason we fool around in the first place, because if he wasn't comfortable than I wouldn't be). He's good in bed too. But at the same time, I just don't feel that spark of attraction. There's nothing in my mind going "I want to see him today". Yeah, it's great to see him, and he keeps the boredom away, but I definitely don't feel for him that way.
Kylie on the other hand...it's like I can't get her out of my head, and I barely know her. She parties a lot, and drinks a lot, which I'm really not into. She acts kind of gangster (so does Gavin, but he has the excuse of being latin, lol), and at the surface it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot there. But I don't know...I just have a feeling there is, there's some other person below the surface, and I just really, REALLY want to know that person. It's so weird.
So yeah...><
I went out last night with Billy. That was weird. I don't know why he wasn't with Sam and the group for the usual Friday nights (obviously I'm not going anymore). I think Robbie was home too, cause his Skype was on. Did Sam cancel? But Bill and I went out for tea, which was nice. We talked about school and books, avoided talking about Sam, and then about his sexuality. Tried to convince him to go out to Plan B with me, but I think he feels awkward around the club scene. Still, it was really nice that he went out with me. I'm glad of all the people I put so much time and love into, he at least returned it.
I love you, Mar, btw. <3
So yeah, that's what's been going on...
Don't know when I'll see Jas or Cas again soon. I have orientation at Gordmans on Monday, then a doctor's appt on Tuesday. I won't know my work schedule until Monday, but I hope I get some hours right away. Mom and Dad are going to Hawaii later in the month, so at least I will have access to the van a bit more when they leave. Gavin is kind of in the same spot I am with transportation, and he lives way over on the West side, so I can't just bum over there when I'm feeling lonely.
I want to see Kylie, but the only time I see her is at Plan B on Thursday nights, so Thursday has become the highlight of my life recently. I'm hoping Jas and Cas hold the bonfire soon so I can at least use that as a better excuse to add her on facebook and talk to her more. But, at the same time, I understand if that plan gets thrown out the window. Poor Cas. The whole situation sucks.
I'll post a bit more when I have the strength to talk things emotional. But for right now, letting you all know I am alive and I am listening. <3
It's officially been a month since Sam and I broke up.
I'm not talking to her. She called for a long time, but I finally snapped at her and asked her not to call. She texted a few days ago, ironically the morning after I had broken down over the whole thing and dreamed about her. It wasn't much, just letting me know I had things at her house still. Honestly, I don't care. Even if I get those things back I'm just going to bury them in my closet so I don't have to see them and be reminded.
I was spending a lot of time with my friends Jas and Cas. They were making sure I stayed out of the house and kept from moping. I got drunk for the first time (not fun) and lost my job. I don't really care much about the job at the Holiday Inn. They didn't care that I left, and I got my job at Gordmans back, so...
But Cas's dad committed suicide earlier this week. I feel so bad for them and everything they're going through. I want to see them, but they've stayed home the last few nights we were supposed to go out. I'm not sure what to do...
I've also been hanging out with Gavin a lot. He's someone I met at club the night I got drunk (about two weeks ago). He's really sweet, and we've fooled around a bit. It's nice just to be held by someone again, and although I appreciate his friendship, I'm not really interested in him that way. Yeah, we can mess around, but I don't see myself falling in love with him (or anyone, for that matter) anytime soon.
I have been thinking about Dominick a bit more lately, but even that I think is more from loneliness than anything. Once again Dom has gone back to ignoring my very existence. I suppose it was stupid to think he loved me in the first place, but...
I still have a HUGE crush on Kylie. I don't know what it is about her, but I just want to get to know her. She's friends with Jas, and Jas promised to throw a bon-fire and invite her so I can talk with her. I'm too much of a chicken to approach her myself without some kind of connection, and right now our only connections are the Holiday Inn and Sam. Not a great way to bond.
It's funny the way I feel. Gavin is everything I normally would be into, but I'm not really into him, while Kylie is everything I normally avoid, and it's just like a magnet pulling me to her. Gavin is really sweet, intelligent, and knows the right balance of attention/giving me space. He's transitioning F-to-M, but he's comfortable with his body (the only reason we fool around in the first place, because if he wasn't comfortable than I wouldn't be). He's good in bed too. But at the same time, I just don't feel that spark of attraction. There's nothing in my mind going "I want to see him today". Yeah, it's great to see him, and he keeps the boredom away, but I definitely don't feel for him that way.
Kylie on the other hand...it's like I can't get her out of my head, and I barely know her. She parties a lot, and drinks a lot, which I'm really not into. She acts kind of gangster (so does Gavin, but he has the excuse of being latin, lol), and at the surface it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot there. But I don't know...I just have a feeling there is, there's some other person below the surface, and I just really, REALLY want to know that person. It's so weird.
So yeah...><
I went out last night with Billy. That was weird. I don't know why he wasn't with Sam and the group for the usual Friday nights (obviously I'm not going anymore). I think Robbie was home too, cause his Skype was on. Did Sam cancel? But Bill and I went out for tea, which was nice. We talked about school and books, avoided talking about Sam, and then about his sexuality. Tried to convince him to go out to Plan B with me, but I think he feels awkward around the club scene. Still, it was really nice that he went out with me. I'm glad of all the people I put so much time and love into, he at least returned it.
I love you, Mar, btw. <3
So yeah, that's what's been going on...
Don't know when I'll see Jas or Cas again soon. I have orientation at Gordmans on Monday, then a doctor's appt on Tuesday. I won't know my work schedule until Monday, but I hope I get some hours right away. Mom and Dad are going to Hawaii later in the month, so at least I will have access to the van a bit more when they leave. Gavin is kind of in the same spot I am with transportation, and he lives way over on the West side, so I can't just bum over there when I'm feeling lonely.
I want to see Kylie, but the only time I see her is at Plan B on Thursday nights, so Thursday has become the highlight of my life recently. I'm hoping Jas and Cas hold the bonfire soon so I can at least use that as a better excuse to add her on facebook and talk to her more. But, at the same time, I understand if that plan gets thrown out the window. Poor Cas. The whole situation sucks.
I'll post a bit more when I have the strength to talk things emotional. But for right now, letting you all know I am alive and I am listening. <3