(no subject)
Not gonna lie, i hate repeating myself, so for all that want to know whats up, here it is:
On Friday, March 11th, my mom fell at home. Her home aid had to call for help to get her up. They then realized that she should be checked out to make sure she didnt break anything because she complained of soreness in her rib area. They realized she hadnt seen a doctor for a full check up since October, and her regular doctor wasnt going to be in his office for 4 more days, so they called an ambulance to take her to the hospital in Utica. THEN they called me and told me what was happening, so i ran over to my moms from work and signed off the ambulance, telling them a trip to utica was completely unnecessary and that I'd take her to the doctors on Tuesday.
Woke up Tuesday morning at 7:00 to get to my moms and get her ready for her appointment. she was just finishing breakfast and needed to use the bathroom so i helped her to the bathroom and waited outside. While she's in the bathroom, she falls over and hits her head. The bathroom is too small for two people so I couldnt get in there to help get her up. I had to coach her into scooching herself to the kitchen so I could pull her up. We finally get her up and dressed, and we realize that shes going to be late, so we call the health center and they tell us that the doctor is leaving in a couple minutes. (real cool, btw...like her appointment was only gonna take 15 mins? they never do). So we (my sister and i) hurry along trying to get her to the car to take her over. She gets down the stairs, but cant get into the car. she says her shoulder and foot hurts and she thinks its broken. We realize we wont make the appointment and that she definitely needs to be checked out by a doctor. We realize we have no choice but to call the ambulance because we cant even get her into the car. I rode down with her and they run some tests that of course take all day. In the mean time, i had to cancel a girls day with Carolyn and a date with Ross. I hated to do this, but there was no choice. I couldnt possibly leave my mom alone in the hospital. she was so scared.
they finally admitted her into the hospital and she stayed there until Friday. During that time, i worked as much as i could while traveling down to the hospital everyday to see her. It sucked so much to see how weak she was. They said this weakness and incontinance was caused by a UTI. While in the hospital, she was almost completely gone. She didnt make any sense, she could barely stay awake. its not like her to not be kicking and screaming to get out or at least get fed. when she did eat, she'd fall asleep while chewing, and start choking. she was in pain everytime she urinated, and her catheter made her feel like she was always urinating. she looked so sad and lonely. i cant stand seeing her so sad and lifeless. it kills me. it literally hurts me to see her like this. sometimes shed make comments that made sense...like "please dont just leave me here" and if id ask her if there was anything i could get her "just love".
on friday, they discharged her and transported her to Sunset nursing home in Boonville. This is what i thought would make everything ok, but the second she got there, i felt terrible...sick to my stomach, like something wasnt right. The people there are really attentive and caring, and im sure they know what they're doing. everyone keeps assuring me thats the case. im not worried about her care. i know they will take care of her, better than shes had in a long time. But shes still gone...so out of it. barely awake at anytime, yet sitting. she acts like shes been drugged. i dont know whats going on and idk how to go about finding out whats causing her to be like this. my current theories are that they are giving her a generic version of her medications which her neurologist said isnt a good idea. also, i feel they switched it to a morning dose instead of an evening one. The dilantin makes her really tired and woozy...so taking it at night when she sleeps is a good idea. she was doing fine like that, and her other doctor decided to switch it to morning to see if it would change her levels. The dilantin is for seizures. she hasnt had a seizure in like, 5 years. so why they insist on upping the dosage as well as changing the time its given to her seems unneccessary. she may even have a toxic level of dilantin in her. at one point they were giving her 700mg a day, and her neurologist changed it to 400. they upped it back to 500 now. i dont understand any of this. it just doesnt make sense. another theory on her current state is that she was administered a sedative at the hospital since she kept trying to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. she is a fall hazard since she is weak and cant walk, so they put an alarm on her to make sure she doesnt fall. its likely they gave her a sedative to keep her from wanting to leave the bed in the first place. when i ask about this as soon as i talk to someone that "knows whats going on" and they dont give it to me straight, im gonna have a fit.
speaking of people who "know whats going on"...i never seem to get the chance to talk to them. By the time i get to sunset, they have left already. the only people around are a couple of "nurses" and cleaning people. I try not to use the term "retarded" loosely, but the people at the desk definitely appeared to be "slow". they had no idea what i was asking, at even the most simple questions. they just looked at me like "wtf are you talking about?". I guess i'll have to call over there and hope for the best. If they lost my mothers paperwork, medicare/medicaid insurance cards and health care proxy, ill kill them.
this whole thing has been so exhausting...i feel like im a zombie. i dont know how to handle all this. im not as strong as id like to think. i cant stand seeing her the way she is now. when my grandfather went into a nursing home, it felt like he gave up and died so fast...he was a senator one day, and dying the next. there was no cause for it, except he seemed to have given up completely. i am afraid my mom will do that. she never wanted to be in a home...she is afraid we are just dropping her off and getting rid of her. obviously thats not the case...i miss her so much, words simply cant describe how i feel right now. i look forward to every minute i can spend with her, even though she is not even mentally there. it hurts me--i cry all the time, and i hate doing it in front of her cuz it probably scares her. its the only thing ive heard her say the whole time shes been at the home -- "dont cry". it breaks my heart. shes never been this bad before. i want her to be better...to be able to have a conversation with her, to see her motor skills return. to watch her eat without choking and staying awake the entire time. Im always worried about her now. you'd think knowing she was being cared for all the time would be enough...but somehow its just not. im worried about her mental well being--about her giving up, or hating me for assisting her move to the home, or be sad and scared that we arent right there to see her all the time and that we're just dropping her off to get her out of our lives.
that couldnt be further from the truth.
in the meantime...as for all my friends...if i dont answer your questions well, or tend to push you away, i apologize. i dont knwo how to deal with this. please just dont have any expectations for how i should be acting and how i should react when people ask me about her. I cant stand thinking about it. im sick of crying. I want a normal life again. most of all, i want my mother back, even if shes still at the home...i want to know shes still "there"...
god i miss her.
On Friday, March 11th, my mom fell at home. Her home aid had to call for help to get her up. They then realized that she should be checked out to make sure she didnt break anything because she complained of soreness in her rib area. They realized she hadnt seen a doctor for a full check up since October, and her regular doctor wasnt going to be in his office for 4 more days, so they called an ambulance to take her to the hospital in Utica. THEN they called me and told me what was happening, so i ran over to my moms from work and signed off the ambulance, telling them a trip to utica was completely unnecessary and that I'd take her to the doctors on Tuesday.
Woke up Tuesday morning at 7:00 to get to my moms and get her ready for her appointment. she was just finishing breakfast and needed to use the bathroom so i helped her to the bathroom and waited outside. While she's in the bathroom, she falls over and hits her head. The bathroom is too small for two people so I couldnt get in there to help get her up. I had to coach her into scooching herself to the kitchen so I could pull her up. We finally get her up and dressed, and we realize that shes going to be late, so we call the health center and they tell us that the doctor is leaving in a couple minutes. (real cool, btw...like her appointment was only gonna take 15 mins? they never do). So we (my sister and i) hurry along trying to get her to the car to take her over. She gets down the stairs, but cant get into the car. she says her shoulder and foot hurts and she thinks its broken. We realize we wont make the appointment and that she definitely needs to be checked out by a doctor. We realize we have no choice but to call the ambulance because we cant even get her into the car. I rode down with her and they run some tests that of course take all day. In the mean time, i had to cancel a girls day with Carolyn and a date with Ross. I hated to do this, but there was no choice. I couldnt possibly leave my mom alone in the hospital. she was so scared.
they finally admitted her into the hospital and she stayed there until Friday. During that time, i worked as much as i could while traveling down to the hospital everyday to see her. It sucked so much to see how weak she was. They said this weakness and incontinance was caused by a UTI. While in the hospital, she was almost completely gone. She didnt make any sense, she could barely stay awake. its not like her to not be kicking and screaming to get out or at least get fed. when she did eat, she'd fall asleep while chewing, and start choking. she was in pain everytime she urinated, and her catheter made her feel like she was always urinating. she looked so sad and lonely. i cant stand seeing her so sad and lifeless. it kills me. it literally hurts me to see her like this. sometimes shed make comments that made sense...like "please dont just leave me here" and if id ask her if there was anything i could get her "just love".
on friday, they discharged her and transported her to Sunset nursing home in Boonville. This is what i thought would make everything ok, but the second she got there, i felt terrible...sick to my stomach, like something wasnt right. The people there are really attentive and caring, and im sure they know what they're doing. everyone keeps assuring me thats the case. im not worried about her care. i know they will take care of her, better than shes had in a long time. But shes still gone...so out of it. barely awake at anytime, yet sitting. she acts like shes been drugged. i dont know whats going on and idk how to go about finding out whats causing her to be like this. my current theories are that they are giving her a generic version of her medications which her neurologist said isnt a good idea. also, i feel they switched it to a morning dose instead of an evening one. The dilantin makes her really tired and woozy...so taking it at night when she sleeps is a good idea. she was doing fine like that, and her other doctor decided to switch it to morning to see if it would change her levels. The dilantin is for seizures. she hasnt had a seizure in like, 5 years. so why they insist on upping the dosage as well as changing the time its given to her seems unneccessary. she may even have a toxic level of dilantin in her. at one point they were giving her 700mg a day, and her neurologist changed it to 400. they upped it back to 500 now. i dont understand any of this. it just doesnt make sense. another theory on her current state is that she was administered a sedative at the hospital since she kept trying to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. she is a fall hazard since she is weak and cant walk, so they put an alarm on her to make sure she doesnt fall. its likely they gave her a sedative to keep her from wanting to leave the bed in the first place. when i ask about this as soon as i talk to someone that "knows whats going on" and they dont give it to me straight, im gonna have a fit.
speaking of people who "know whats going on"...i never seem to get the chance to talk to them. By the time i get to sunset, they have left already. the only people around are a couple of "nurses" and cleaning people. I try not to use the term "retarded" loosely, but the people at the desk definitely appeared to be "slow". they had no idea what i was asking, at even the most simple questions. they just looked at me like "wtf are you talking about?". I guess i'll have to call over there and hope for the best. If they lost my mothers paperwork, medicare/medicaid insurance cards and health care proxy, ill kill them.
this whole thing has been so exhausting...i feel like im a zombie. i dont know how to handle all this. im not as strong as id like to think. i cant stand seeing her the way she is now. when my grandfather went into a nursing home, it felt like he gave up and died so fast...he was a senator one day, and dying the next. there was no cause for it, except he seemed to have given up completely. i am afraid my mom will do that. she never wanted to be in a home...she is afraid we are just dropping her off and getting rid of her. obviously thats not the case...i miss her so much, words simply cant describe how i feel right now. i look forward to every minute i can spend with her, even though she is not even mentally there. it hurts me--i cry all the time, and i hate doing it in front of her cuz it probably scares her. its the only thing ive heard her say the whole time shes been at the home -- "dont cry". it breaks my heart. shes never been this bad before. i want her to be better...to be able to have a conversation with her, to see her motor skills return. to watch her eat without choking and staying awake the entire time. Im always worried about her now. you'd think knowing she was being cared for all the time would be enough...but somehow its just not. im worried about her mental well being--about her giving up, or hating me for assisting her move to the home, or be sad and scared that we arent right there to see her all the time and that we're just dropping her off to get her out of our lives.
that couldnt be further from the truth.
in the meantime...as for all my friends...if i dont answer your questions well, or tend to push you away, i apologize. i dont knwo how to deal with this. please just dont have any expectations for how i should be acting and how i should react when people ask me about her. I cant stand thinking about it. im sick of crying. I want a normal life again. most of all, i want my mother back, even if shes still at the home...i want to know shes still "there"...
god i miss her.