I'm working on becoming trilingual.
No matter how hard I tried in the past, I could never fool myself into believing the simple pretty lines I used to describe myself.
And yes, I am aware that I sound fake when I say that. But really, everything new that's been tossed at me I've handled...in a clumsy sort of way, but if I can get through it when it's happening, I sure as hell can get through it when it's over.
The awkward part is that I now have someone in my life that's trying to figure me out. It's almost scary how much he loves me. All the dumb things people say about love, it's true. He catches me on all the things I say to feed my ego and calls me out on it...all the time. We're starting an art project before I leave to California for Thanksgiving. I told him I'd try to find an epiphany or two while I'm down there. Whatever this feeling is I'm perfectly willing to admit I don't know much but I have a strong yearning for it.
I sleep soundlessly now. I can remember what I've always wanted for myself...to progressively end up in social work...even though I still wonder if I can handle it. Now I know I can relate to the people I’ll be helping, which is probably depressing, but I know they can find comfort in that fact that I know exactly what they’re going through. I can be alone now, and unlike before, be overwhelmed with those feelings and thoughts I feared would take over. Maybe I can somehow help weaken that stigma, the one that claims mental illnesses are as easy as fixing a broken leg. The ones that claim that this is a character flaw.
Fading into the background is easy, but in the end I know the only person I'll have to answer to is myself and God. So once in a while it's okay to throw civility out the window and say fuck it all; I like the person I'm becoming. I'm letting myself discover that you should never hold on to the past like it's actually worth something.
And yes, I am aware that I sound fake when I say that. But really, everything new that's been tossed at me I've handled...in a clumsy sort of way, but if I can get through it when it's happening, I sure as hell can get through it when it's over.
The awkward part is that I now have someone in my life that's trying to figure me out. It's almost scary how much he loves me. All the dumb things people say about love, it's true. He catches me on all the things I say to feed my ego and calls me out on it...all the time. We're starting an art project before I leave to California for Thanksgiving. I told him I'd try to find an epiphany or two while I'm down there. Whatever this feeling is I'm perfectly willing to admit I don't know much but I have a strong yearning for it.
I sleep soundlessly now. I can remember what I've always wanted for myself...to progressively end up in social work...even though I still wonder if I can handle it. Now I know I can relate to the people I’ll be helping, which is probably depressing, but I know they can find comfort in that fact that I know exactly what they’re going through. I can be alone now, and unlike before, be overwhelmed with those feelings and thoughts I feared would take over. Maybe I can somehow help weaken that stigma, the one that claims mental illnesses are as easy as fixing a broken leg. The ones that claim that this is a character flaw.
Fading into the background is easy, but in the end I know the only person I'll have to answer to is myself and God. So once in a while it's okay to throw civility out the window and say fuck it all; I like the person I'm becoming. I'm letting myself discover that you should never hold on to the past like it's actually worth something.