Wounded (1/1)
Title: Wounded
Author: Adja999
Pairing/characters : Mac, Dick.
Spoilers: End of the show.
Summary: There had to be a time when they had to deal with what had happened on the beach.
A/N: I totally blame this fic on
madi_lover and
broodyletons. I was listening to this song while I was gathering a soundtrack for my season four and it hit me.
**Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
Hurt beneath my skin **
Dick was drumming his fingers on the table top, lips pursed and brows furrowing from time to time. He was angry and he didn’t know why. He had felt this anger crawl under his skin for a while now, he was constantly ticked off by something he wasn’t sure was.
He remembered two days earlier when he had had a glimpse of what it would be if he didn’t feel that way.
Of course, he felt horrible, because his dad was here and he couldn’t bear the fact that he wished he was dead instead of Cassidy. He also couldn’t bear the fact that Cassidy was someone he never knew. He had always known Beaver, or Beav, his little brother, to whom he’d been horrible sometimes, but whom he loved, above everything. He remembered all those days they used to spend lying around the pool or playing video games and he’d never known his brother was hurting, harboring a monster.
He was also angry at himself. For taking his anger out on Mac, and he had apologized. Two days ago, on the beach, he had come to her and had ended up craving for her forgiveness. He hadn’t planned to, but he’s just felt different when she was around, and when he saw her flee the place they were at -because of him, once again- he had felt the tension come back, so he had run after her... Just like that, without really knowing why, ending up apologizing, and saying something stupid about seeing what his brother saw in her.
He really saw something, he had seen it, right then. She was a soothing presence. But he’d been stupid to say that, because, hell, Cassidy was probably the last person she wanted to hear about when someone was giving her a compliment. ‘Hey, I totally see what my psycho-murderer bro saw in you. You know, these people have taste...’ He snorted at himself.
And then, he had tried to kiss her. He didn’t remember much of what had crossed his mind at the time because he had downed a serious amount of beer, but he knew it was because he felt uneasy, and he didn’t know how to deal with embarrassment. Hell, he’d never felt that way. And, she felt so soothing, and she had been so cute, smiling oddly at him like she didn’t believe it was actually happening, and squinting against the sun... I don’t know, I just... wanted to...
He had messed things up. He had been aiming of her cheek but something in him had wanted to try her lips; see how she tasted. And now he was alone, his tension back, fuming at himself because it was his fault he had lost his chance to be cool with her and feel relaxed.
**My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding
I try to make it seem okay
But my faith is wearing thin **
Mac drummed on her desktop, pursing her lips and frowning at her laptop. She was bored. Not, that’s not exactly it. She was irritated and it kept her from relaxing and doing anything. She’d done her homework, with something that felt like annoyance, and now she was postponing the session on the internet she had planned, because she was so tense she couldn’t find the idea appealing. Me! Going on the web bugs... me!!
She snorted at herself. Ok, she had to admit, she had reasons to be ticked off. She had broken up with Max the day before. She didn’t know why exactly, or she knew too well.
She couldn’t be herself with a guy. Veronica had said something about roller coasters and liking better to be with Piz without that much emotion that trying to be with Logan again. Oddly enough, Mac wasn’t like that. She didn’t want to compromise. And hearing Veronica had shocked her.
She didn’t belong with Max. She wished she did, be the fact remained that she didn’t. He made her feel safe alright, but he didn’t make her feel happy. He made her laugh, but her heart didn’t flutter. And she’d pulled away emotionally speaking when she’d been disappointed to hear about him wanting to be a drop out. If she had really loved him, she wouldn’t have cared. Right?
That was one thing bugging her. The other was that she had messed things up with Dick. Again.
She felt angry because she had taken out her frustration and pain she felt at the idea of his brother on him. She so wanted to help him, make him feel better so she would too, and yet she had messed up her chance when he’d come to her. Something she wouldn’t have guessed he would do.
At the beginning of the year, he had showed up to her door and she had snapped at him. Granted, he’d fought back pretty wickedly, but still. How had she dared taking out on him the pain of loosing Cassidy? On Cassidy’s own and only brother! What a bitch I am.
Yeah, she was hurting. Yeah, he’d never been nice. But she still felt bad about not having shown any compassion that night. She was even angrier at herself since Logan had mentioned that this very night Dick had ended up crying on his doorstep. Because of me.
And two days ago, at the beach, he had apologized to her. She could have opened more to him. It had probably taken him a lot to come see her and she hadn’t even been able to smile at him and realty accept his apology, tell him this would be ok.
She had remained cold and sarcastic. This was Veronica’s influence. She liked it, because it protected her, but she knew it had been an unnecessary nastiness to Dick.
And she’d walked away from him. He’d tried to kiss her. Ok, so? He was drunk, and she had been shocked, but she could have just flinched back, and kept on talking.
He had done something, took a step toward her, almost saying ‘let’s try that thing they call being friends’. And she had walked away, even if that was what she had wished for.
She had failed him. Him, the guy she should have stuck together with after what had happened.
**So help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug **
Dick chewed on his lower lip and got up, nearly knocking his chair off. He let out an aggravated sigh and grabbed his jacket with more punch than necessary. He had to leave. Now. Go somewhere. Do something. Either get drunk or work this tension out.
He had found lately that ‘getting drunk, getting laid, repeat’ didn’t work that well for him anymore. So, either he talked to Logan and ended up crying like a fucking baby, or he went to the beach, to run or surf. At this hour, just before the sunset, the sea would be packed with teenage baby surfers, so he would be running. Hard, fast, not to jog and be fit -the Dick is gorgeous already, thank you- just to exhaust himself enough to be able to sleep three hours in a raw tonight.
He grabbed the handle and jerked the door open, freezing in shock as he took in the sight of someone before him.
Mac, her hand raised like she had been about to knock.
**And I need someone to help me sew them up**
“Mac?” He asked stupidly.
She looked up timidly at him, startled by the violence he had put into opening a simple door. “I can come by later.” She blurted out almost at the same time he said.
“Come in.”
She hadn’t expected him to invite her in; she realized has he opened the door wider and followed her inside. She had expected him to tower over her and ask her what she was doing here.
“What, uh... Why did you come?” He asked her, suddenly turning around to face her.
She hadn’t expected that tone either. He sounded surprised, almost... was the word ‘scared’?
“I...” she chuckled nervously. “Honestly? I’m not sure.”
“Oh. Ok.” Dick shifted feet. Some of the tension had disappeared. “Do you want something? Beer? Coke?” He thought of Veronica. “Diet coke?”
She chuckled. “Alright. Coke or diet coke. Whatever you have.”
He came back with two cans of diet coke while she was settling down on the sofa, feeling weird. “Thanks.” She whispered as he handed her one.
“So? You came here to see... who?”
“Oh!” She realized she hadn’t thought of Logan, who seemed absent, apparently. “You, actually. You.”
“Alright.” He leant back in the seat in front of her, resting his feet on the coffee table. “Any... subject in particular?”
“Yeah, uh...” She started. “Two days ago-...”
Dick grimaced. “Let me apologize about that.” He cut her, before she could say more.
“You already have.” She frowned. By the look he gave her she got that they weren’t on the same page. “I came to apologize. To you.”
“Uh?” Dick shifted in his seat. “Why?”
“Because I pushed you away.” She said. At is confused glance she added. “I mean, not that specific time on the beach. All along this year. I was mean to you and made you fight back. I’m sorry.”
“Woaw...” Dick’s eyebrows disappeared behind his bangs. “You feel you need to apologize?” He snorted. “What the hell did I miss?”
“I just...” Mac clutched her purse in her hand. “You came to me and I wanted to come back, to see if there was really something there. If you’d meant to be there too.”
Dick looked at her for a long while, during which she considered running out, or choosing a quicker way and make a dash to the balcony and jump off. The irony of her impulse to jump off the Grand wasn’t lost on her. “I was.”
Her heart jumped in her throat and she searched his huge blue eyes. She couldn’t think of or form a word. But anyway her mouth was sealed shut.
They stared at each other for a while. Then Mac broke the contact and looked down, blushing, while Dick cleared his throat and crossed his legs on the table. She sighed. This is so fun, let’s do it again.
Dick bit his lip. And here I was, thinking that the other day on the beach was awkward.
“I’m gonna...” Mac got up, waving toward the general direction of the door.
“Oh, ok.” He sprang up, escorting her to the door.
Her heart sank deeper with every step she took, sank deeper and beat faster. She was panicking. Why? Why was it going on that way? Why wasn’t it easier? Why couldn’t she make things better?
As she turned around to face the threshold, she saw Dick’s head shot up like a realization had hit him. “Stay?”
**I only wanted a magazine
I only wanted a movie screen
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed **
He had asked her to stay, so she felt a little better, less unwanted. She was now standing irresolutely in the middle of the living room.
Dick’s voice almost made her jump. He had the telephone in his hand. “How about I call room service and we put on some dvd? Or talk. Did you have dinner yet?”
She shook her head. “No. And, it sounds good to me.”
He smiled. “Sweet.” He handed her the menu and the phone and went to pick up some dvd boxes in his room.
When she told him what she wanted he made the order and they picked a dvd before their heard the knock signaling for the food.
“I’ll get it.” Mac said as she hurried to the door, she felt like fidgeting. She opened the door and faced... “Jeff. Hi.”
Ratner snorted at her and put on a deliberate fake smile as he wheeled the cart inside. “Mr Casablancas, for you and your date.”
Mac’s mouth fell agape and she turned to Dick. He simply shook his head at her and tipped Ratner off. “Thanks, dude. It’s always a party. Come back soon.”
**And now my mind is an open book
And now my heart is an open wound
And now my life is an open soul for all to see**
Forgotten remains of their meals were left off on the cart, the song of main menu of the dvd was playing on repeat and the sun was long gone when Mac felt comfortable enough to laugh freely.
Dick bathed in the sight. “I like that.”
“What?” She asked, quelling down the tremors in her chest.
“That. Now.” He said, gesturing between them. “What’s going on now.”
She smiled faintly. They were almost facing each other, elbows resting on the back of the couch. She had her legs under herself. “Yeah. Me too.”
He frowned when he looked outside and raised his brows as he looked down at his watch. He looked like he hadn’t seen the time fly. “It’s getting late. Do you want to go?”
Mac shrugged. “Do you want me to? I mean, do you want to get up early to surf or...”
“Nope. Bad waves tomorrow. I’m good till 2 o’clock.”
Mac smiled. “Well, I can stay too.”
“Sweet.”
They teased each other for fifteen minutes for the choice of the next movie. And, eventually ended up walking down Hemingway Street to the Neptune Shores Cinema Complex because they couldn’t make up their mind and decided to catch the last screening.
“Come on, let me buy you pop corn. I have to. I’m out with a girl, how will I look like?”
Mac scoffed at him. “Like a guy? Dick, I’m not your date, you don’t have to.” She frowned. “You wouldn’t have to if I was either, actually. What’s with the guys always wanting to show they are real men by buying the pop corn? That’s really peculiar.”
Dick huffed. “Fine. Buy your own pop corn. I’ll be right back.”
She smiled to herself and got the pop corn, thinking of how nice Dick had been since she had gotten to the suite. She really didn’t regret it.
When she turned to join him, she almost yelped as she found herself her nose buried in his chest. She stumbled backwards, looking up at his goofy smile. He was holding up their two tickets. “Dick! I told you, you didn’t have to buy anything for me!”
“Yeah. And I heard that.” He said, shrugging a shoulder. “But people do think I’m on a date. And, contrary to popular beliefs...” He pointed at himself. “This stud here, he is a gentleman.”
She smiled and let it slide as he led her inside. “I’m beginning to see that.”
**But help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your fault**
“Is that...?” Mac asked, feeling completely stupid as she realized she was about to gossip with Dick. He was certainly going to scoff.
“Jeff Ratner and Wanda Varner....” Dick noted, surprising her. “Boy, is he in for a ride?”
Mac squinted up at him.
“What? I don’t like the girl alright? She’s a narc.”
Mac shrugged and walked further towards the middle of the raw. “Not of my business. Maybe it’s not a date.”
Dick laughed. “Yeah, right. Girl and boy in a place where it’s dark and you can grope each other four hours, what else can it be?”
She pointedly raised a brow at him.
“Right. Good point.” He said, dropping beside her on the comfortable seat and immediately resting his arm behind her on the back of her seat and proceeding to bend down to check out the pop corn. “Can I steal some?”
Mac laughed, she had predicted that. “Yeah, so who bought who the pop corn?”
He chuckled. “So, I bought the tickets and you bought the pop corn, are we even or is it a double date?”
“Shhh....” she prompted suddenly, touching her fingers to his lips. “It’s starting.”
A smile spread wide on his face when he watched her sliding further down in her seat, opening wide eyes to watch the trailers with a childish glee on her face. He licked the sugar she had left on his lips and turned to the screen.
**That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me**
“Oh, come on, you have to admit he was very hot!” Mac insisted.
“It’s too gay!” Dick scowled.
She forcefully dug her spoon in her Ben & Jerry’s. “No! I can say Angelina Jolie is pretty without being gay. You can admit that Will Smith is hot.”
He licked his own spoon clean. “I don’t agree. See? When you say Angelina Jolie is pretty. It sounds really gay to me, and let me tell you it’s hot. So, no, I won’t admit anything.”
She snorted and ate another spoonful. “Baby.”
“Not!” he countered.
She laughed. “Yeah, because protesting like this makes you look more mature.”
Suddenly, Dick put on a childish, pouty face of a kid that’s trying to look like he’s about to cry. “Mackie, no, please. Say I’m not a baby. I’m not a baby, right?”
She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her and she reached out to pat his head. “Ok, you’re a big boy, Dick.”
He gave her the goofiest smile and looked down at his jean zipper. “Hear that buddy? You’re a big boy.”
Mac covered her face with her hand to hide her blush and her smile. “God, you’re so gross.”
“Nope, Mac. I’m inappropriate. I’m not gross.” He state. “Being gross would be standing up and resting my big boy on the tabletop.”
She made a disgusted face. “Or just making me picture it. Like just now.”
He smiled as if proud of himself. “Or that.”
As they headed out, he bought another bowl of pop corn.
**So you come along
I push you away
Then kick and scream for you to stay **
“Stop it!” Mac protested as she pulled yet another piece of pop corn out of her hair.
Dick shook his head and smiled goofily at her. “Give me one good reason.”
“Because I’m asking you to.”
He grinned and threw another. “Wrong answer. Please try again.”
She sighed and pursed her lips. “Because you’ve been nice so far and making me mad to the point I smash your balls with my heel would be too bad.”
He winced at the thought. “Nope. Still not that.” He said, this time throwing several.
“That’s it I’m leaving.” She said, as she stood up, Dick settled the bowl of pop corn next to him and caught her hand, pulling her backwards. “No, ok, stay. I’ll stop.” He swore as he held her down on his lap. “Ok?”
She giggled. “You’re so easy to freak out, you know that?” she laughed as she threw a piece of pop corn at him.
“Oh!” he laughed but still looked offended. “Oh, yeah?”
“No!!” Before she could move away, he was all over her, tickling her so much that she couldn’t breathe enough to beg him to stop.
She clawed at the sand of Dog’s beach and desperately tried to get away. She didn’t think of tickling back. So when he asked her if she was tamed she frantically nodded so he would let go.
She sat back, breathless. “You’re mean.” She accused, sticking out her lower lip just like he had before.
He ignored the fact that having her wriggle on his lap just a second before had aroused him in some ways, and tried not to zero in on her lips not to mess up again. “Sorry.” He pleaded back with a fake tiny kid voice.
**Cause I need someone to help me
Oh I need someone to help me**
“Are you cold?” Dick asked after a long silence.
They were still at Dog’s beach; they had lost track of time. She was wrapped up in a blanket he had had in the back of his truck. “No, I’m good now. You?”
“I’m cool.” He said, before blowing hair out of his nose. He had been doing that and grinned at himself because he found it funny.
Since Mac was resting against his chest and he had his back against a rock, his chin was resting on the top of her head. He made her hair move slightly and tickle his lower lip when he did it once again.
“Are you blowing your nose in my hair?” She asked in a suspicious tone.
“Ew, no!” He laughed. “No. I just like your hair. It’s really soft.”
“Thanks.” She was happy it was really dark because it hid her blush.
“Why did you stop dying it?” He asked. “It was fun when you had it red.”
Mac didn’t turn her head to look at him because it was late and it really would have taken too much effort. “I had it blue before too.”
“Yeah I remember.”
“You do?” She didn’t know he did.
“Yeah, why not? You were like the only girl at school with blue in her hair. Of course I remember that. It was funky.”
She smiled. “I don’t know why I changed it. Black seemed too dark. You don’t like the blonde strikes?” She wondered if she was actually getting his opinion or just simply chatting. She bowed her head and pressed her eyes shut when his fingers threading in her hair sent shivers jolting up her spine.
“Blonde strikes are cool.” He decided, rolling some strands between his fingers. “It just wouldn’t feel right if you ended up looking like every other girl.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not. Duh.”
**To help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your faut**
Dick raised his eyebrows high with the effort of keeping his eyes open and concentrating on the road.
“So, you said you were free until two?” Mac asked him.
“Yeah.”
She pursed her lips, looking at the clock on his radio. “Doesn’t leave us much time to sleep.” She stated.
It read 09:56. “Meh. Don’t matter. I got psych. I can sleep in class, that guy is so aged sometime I wonder if he isn’t asleep too.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“What have you got?” He asked.
“I have to fix some guy’s computer. I don’t have any class.”
He eyed her as they approached Hearst’s campus. “Lucky you. You can blow him off.”
“I don’t think so. I don’t pass an opportunity like that. I mean, how often do you meet a doofus that gives you a hundred bucks for formatting?”
Dick laughed. “I guess not everyday.”
They began to drive closer to the campus and Dick wondered were he should park.
“Are you hungry?” He asked, gesturing in the direction of the cafeteria. “Or do you want to go back at your dorm?”
“Oh, a bed would be awesome. I will take care of the fuel later.”
He chuckled and turned in the right direction as she failed to muffle a yawn. “It was fun. I had a good time.” She told him as he pulled in the parking lot in front of her dorm.
“Yeah?” He said, unbuckling his seatbelt and jumping out. “Cool.” He said before he slammed his door and jogged to her side.
Before she understood what he was doing, he was at her side, opening her door for her to step out. She frowned at him without getting out. “Are you going to kiss me goodnight too?”
Her eyes widened when she processed how it sounded. She had thought of the way a mom would kiss her kids on the forehead when she put them to sleep, but it hadn’t come out right. Dick he laughed. “Hey, if you’re asking, I’ll even give you a foot rub.”
“Pass.” She chuckled, getting out. “But I meant you didn’t have to do all those things, Dick. It wasn’t a date.”
She tripped slightly and he caught her hand, holding her up. “Yeah, are you sure about that?” She looked up from his chest and saw him looking down at her, his eyes full with entwined emotions.
“No.” She admitted.
“Cool.” He smiled, still holding loosely her fingers as he walked inside with her.
**That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug**
Mac really wished she was a yogi. She’d read somewhere that they could master their heartbeats. Because she was really getting worried that she was going to get a heart attack. She was also afraid Dick would start laughing at her. She felt so hot, she was sure it was showing. She felt somehow like she was glowing like a lamp. Glowing and getting hotter by the second. Till what? Fainting?
If she could have, she would have yelped when Dick’s thumb brushed across her fingers. He was there, just by her side, and she didn’t know why he was touching her. She didn’t know why she never wanted him to stop.
She remembered what she had been thinking about the day before, realization hit her that his fingers loosely hanging to hers made her feel more that Max had ever done. She felt guilty she didn’t feel guiltier.
“It’s like that.” Dick said, taking a deep breath.
Mac frowned. “What?”
“Breathing. Remember?”
She immediately turned a deep red. “Oh. Right.”
He smiled. “Hey, it’s cool. I can leave now if you want. You can stop by whenever.” He said, pulling way slightly.
She tugged softly at his fingers when he started to let go. “When?”
Dick smiled widely and started walking with her again, not letting go of her hand. “How about tonight? Have plans?”
She shrugged. “Now I have.”
“Sweet. I’ll come pick you up. Don’t forget to be late so I get to see you in your towel.”
She laughed. “You’re so cliché!”
As they laughed and entered the building, things didn’t go like she’d expected. Nobody gasped at their entrance, nobody started whispering or scoffing. Nobody really paid attention. Some would have found it disappointing, she was mostly relieved. So, some things actually change when you go in College, then?
However, there was someone bound to react. As Dick walked her to her dorm, a clear walk of shame if you believed the dark circles under their eyes, Mac caught sight of Veronica choking on a muffin.
Piz was completely oblivious to the shock written on the PI’s face and was still talking to her. Mac, however, saw Veronica recover, gulp down and mouth ‘MAC!!’.
She knew she was going to have to tell her friend everything later. Probably right after Dick left she was going to hear pounding on her door, but she was very grateful for Veronica not to say anything now, or not to come.
**And I need someone to help me sew them
I need someone to help me fill them
I need someone to help me close them up**
Mac came to a halt before her door and turned to Dick, swaying on her heels in embarrassment. She pursed her lips. She really hated these moments.
But somehow Dick always knew how to make them easier. He smiled absently, toying with a strand of hair at the side of her face and sighed profoundly. “Thanks. For coming last night.” He said.
“You too. For the other day on the beach.”
He nodded. “So we’re cool, then?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
He looked aside down the hall and back at her. “So, was it a date or not?”
She chuckled awkwardly. “It, uh... Didn’t start out that way.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too.” He said, brushing his knuckles on her cheek. “I really...” He breathed out. “...I mean really want to try kissing you again just now.”
Her lips parted slightly with shock at his honestly, but she didn’t say anything. She dropped her gaze and he looked away, dropping his hand in reaction.
He was about to say something when she looked up at him. “So...? What are you waiting for?”
The change in his features alone made her heartbeat soar. He smiled with something that looked a lot like adoration when he bended down to catch her lips.
Mac’s eyes fluttered shut just before she left his mouth against hers. His lips were as soft as she had remembered them since she’d pressed her fingers against them, but having him kissing her felt anything but soft. He was being very tender and gentle, but her body’s reaction was very violent. As he threaded his fingers in her hair she moaned and tried to calm herself down.
There was a second’s pause and he parted his lips tentatively, to see if she would follow. She did.
When their tongues met she knew she’d found her rollercoaster, and she accepted that she was fated to die from a heart attack soon. As long as it felt that good, it was totally cool.
Author: Adja999
Pairing/characters : Mac, Dick.
Spoilers: End of the show.
Summary: There had to be a time when they had to deal with what had happened on the beach.
A/N: I totally blame this fic on
madi_lover and
broodyletons. I was listening to this song while I was gathering a soundtrack for my season four and it hit me.
**Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
Hurt beneath my skin **
Dick was drumming his fingers on the table top, lips pursed and brows furrowing from time to time. He was angry and he didn’t know why. He had felt this anger crawl under his skin for a while now, he was constantly ticked off by something he wasn’t sure was.
He remembered two days earlier when he had had a glimpse of what it would be if he didn’t feel that way.
Of course, he felt horrible, because his dad was here and he couldn’t bear the fact that he wished he was dead instead of Cassidy. He also couldn’t bear the fact that Cassidy was someone he never knew. He had always known Beaver, or Beav, his little brother, to whom he’d been horrible sometimes, but whom he loved, above everything. He remembered all those days they used to spend lying around the pool or playing video games and he’d never known his brother was hurting, harboring a monster.
He was also angry at himself. For taking his anger out on Mac, and he had apologized. Two days ago, on the beach, he had come to her and had ended up craving for her forgiveness. He hadn’t planned to, but he’s just felt different when she was around, and when he saw her flee the place they were at -because of him, once again- he had felt the tension come back, so he had run after her... Just like that, without really knowing why, ending up apologizing, and saying something stupid about seeing what his brother saw in her.
He really saw something, he had seen it, right then. She was a soothing presence. But he’d been stupid to say that, because, hell, Cassidy was probably the last person she wanted to hear about when someone was giving her a compliment. ‘Hey, I totally see what my psycho-murderer bro saw in you. You know, these people have taste...’ He snorted at himself.
And then, he had tried to kiss her. He didn’t remember much of what had crossed his mind at the time because he had downed a serious amount of beer, but he knew it was because he felt uneasy, and he didn’t know how to deal with embarrassment. Hell, he’d never felt that way. And, she felt so soothing, and she had been so cute, smiling oddly at him like she didn’t believe it was actually happening, and squinting against the sun... I don’t know, I just... wanted to...
He had messed things up. He had been aiming of her cheek but something in him had wanted to try her lips; see how she tasted. And now he was alone, his tension back, fuming at himself because it was his fault he had lost his chance to be cool with her and feel relaxed.
**My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding
I try to make it seem okay
But my faith is wearing thin **
Mac drummed on her desktop, pursing her lips and frowning at her laptop. She was bored. Not, that’s not exactly it. She was irritated and it kept her from relaxing and doing anything. She’d done her homework, with something that felt like annoyance, and now she was postponing the session on the internet she had planned, because she was so tense she couldn’t find the idea appealing. Me! Going on the web bugs... me!!
She snorted at herself. Ok, she had to admit, she had reasons to be ticked off. She had broken up with Max the day before. She didn’t know why exactly, or she knew too well.
She couldn’t be herself with a guy. Veronica had said something about roller coasters and liking better to be with Piz without that much emotion that trying to be with Logan again. Oddly enough, Mac wasn’t like that. She didn’t want to compromise. And hearing Veronica had shocked her.
She didn’t belong with Max. She wished she did, be the fact remained that she didn’t. He made her feel safe alright, but he didn’t make her feel happy. He made her laugh, but her heart didn’t flutter. And she’d pulled away emotionally speaking when she’d been disappointed to hear about him wanting to be a drop out. If she had really loved him, she wouldn’t have cared. Right?
That was one thing bugging her. The other was that she had messed things up with Dick. Again.
She felt angry because she had taken out her frustration and pain she felt at the idea of his brother on him. She so wanted to help him, make him feel better so she would too, and yet she had messed up her chance when he’d come to her. Something she wouldn’t have guessed he would do.
At the beginning of the year, he had showed up to her door and she had snapped at him. Granted, he’d fought back pretty wickedly, but still. How had she dared taking out on him the pain of loosing Cassidy? On Cassidy’s own and only brother! What a bitch I am.
Yeah, she was hurting. Yeah, he’d never been nice. But she still felt bad about not having shown any compassion that night. She was even angrier at herself since Logan had mentioned that this very night Dick had ended up crying on his doorstep. Because of me.
And two days ago, at the beach, he had apologized to her. She could have opened more to him. It had probably taken him a lot to come see her and she hadn’t even been able to smile at him and realty accept his apology, tell him this would be ok.
She had remained cold and sarcastic. This was Veronica’s influence. She liked it, because it protected her, but she knew it had been an unnecessary nastiness to Dick.
And she’d walked away from him. He’d tried to kiss her. Ok, so? He was drunk, and she had been shocked, but she could have just flinched back, and kept on talking.
He had done something, took a step toward her, almost saying ‘let’s try that thing they call being friends’. And she had walked away, even if that was what she had wished for.
She had failed him. Him, the guy she should have stuck together with after what had happened.
**So help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug **
Dick chewed on his lower lip and got up, nearly knocking his chair off. He let out an aggravated sigh and grabbed his jacket with more punch than necessary. He had to leave. Now. Go somewhere. Do something. Either get drunk or work this tension out.
He had found lately that ‘getting drunk, getting laid, repeat’ didn’t work that well for him anymore. So, either he talked to Logan and ended up crying like a fucking baby, or he went to the beach, to run or surf. At this hour, just before the sunset, the sea would be packed with teenage baby surfers, so he would be running. Hard, fast, not to jog and be fit -the Dick is gorgeous already, thank you- just to exhaust himself enough to be able to sleep three hours in a raw tonight.
He grabbed the handle and jerked the door open, freezing in shock as he took in the sight of someone before him.
Mac, her hand raised like she had been about to knock.
**And I need someone to help me sew them up**
“Mac?” He asked stupidly.
She looked up timidly at him, startled by the violence he had put into opening a simple door. “I can come by later.” She blurted out almost at the same time he said.
“Come in.”
She hadn’t expected him to invite her in; she realized has he opened the door wider and followed her inside. She had expected him to tower over her and ask her what she was doing here.
“What, uh... Why did you come?” He asked her, suddenly turning around to face her.
She hadn’t expected that tone either. He sounded surprised, almost... was the word ‘scared’?
“I...” she chuckled nervously. “Honestly? I’m not sure.”
“Oh. Ok.” Dick shifted feet. Some of the tension had disappeared. “Do you want something? Beer? Coke?” He thought of Veronica. “Diet coke?”
She chuckled. “Alright. Coke or diet coke. Whatever you have.”
He came back with two cans of diet coke while she was settling down on the sofa, feeling weird. “Thanks.” She whispered as he handed her one.
“So? You came here to see... who?”
“Oh!” She realized she hadn’t thought of Logan, who seemed absent, apparently. “You, actually. You.”
“Alright.” He leant back in the seat in front of her, resting his feet on the coffee table. “Any... subject in particular?”
“Yeah, uh...” She started. “Two days ago-...”
Dick grimaced. “Let me apologize about that.” He cut her, before she could say more.
“You already have.” She frowned. By the look he gave her she got that they weren’t on the same page. “I came to apologize. To you.”
“Uh?” Dick shifted in his seat. “Why?”
“Because I pushed you away.” She said. At is confused glance she added. “I mean, not that specific time on the beach. All along this year. I was mean to you and made you fight back. I’m sorry.”
“Woaw...” Dick’s eyebrows disappeared behind his bangs. “You feel you need to apologize?” He snorted. “What the hell did I miss?”
“I just...” Mac clutched her purse in her hand. “You came to me and I wanted to come back, to see if there was really something there. If you’d meant to be there too.”
Dick looked at her for a long while, during which she considered running out, or choosing a quicker way and make a dash to the balcony and jump off. The irony of her impulse to jump off the Grand wasn’t lost on her. “I was.”
Her heart jumped in her throat and she searched his huge blue eyes. She couldn’t think of or form a word. But anyway her mouth was sealed shut.
They stared at each other for a while. Then Mac broke the contact and looked down, blushing, while Dick cleared his throat and crossed his legs on the table. She sighed. This is so fun, let’s do it again.
Dick bit his lip. And here I was, thinking that the other day on the beach was awkward.
“I’m gonna...” Mac got up, waving toward the general direction of the door.
“Oh, ok.” He sprang up, escorting her to the door.
Her heart sank deeper with every step she took, sank deeper and beat faster. She was panicking. Why? Why was it going on that way? Why wasn’t it easier? Why couldn’t she make things better?
As she turned around to face the threshold, she saw Dick’s head shot up like a realization had hit him. “Stay?”
**I only wanted a magazine
I only wanted a movie screen
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed **
He had asked her to stay, so she felt a little better, less unwanted. She was now standing irresolutely in the middle of the living room.
Dick’s voice almost made her jump. He had the telephone in his hand. “How about I call room service and we put on some dvd? Or talk. Did you have dinner yet?”
She shook her head. “No. And, it sounds good to me.”
He smiled. “Sweet.” He handed her the menu and the phone and went to pick up some dvd boxes in his room.
When she told him what she wanted he made the order and they picked a dvd before their heard the knock signaling for the food.
“I’ll get it.” Mac said as she hurried to the door, she felt like fidgeting. She opened the door and faced... “Jeff. Hi.”
Ratner snorted at her and put on a deliberate fake smile as he wheeled the cart inside. “Mr Casablancas, for you and your date.”
Mac’s mouth fell agape and she turned to Dick. He simply shook his head at her and tipped Ratner off. “Thanks, dude. It’s always a party. Come back soon.”
**And now my mind is an open book
And now my heart is an open wound
And now my life is an open soul for all to see**
Forgotten remains of their meals were left off on the cart, the song of main menu of the dvd was playing on repeat and the sun was long gone when Mac felt comfortable enough to laugh freely.
Dick bathed in the sight. “I like that.”
“What?” She asked, quelling down the tremors in her chest.
“That. Now.” He said, gesturing between them. “What’s going on now.”
She smiled faintly. They were almost facing each other, elbows resting on the back of the couch. She had her legs under herself. “Yeah. Me too.”
He frowned when he looked outside and raised his brows as he looked down at his watch. He looked like he hadn’t seen the time fly. “It’s getting late. Do you want to go?”
Mac shrugged. “Do you want me to? I mean, do you want to get up early to surf or...”
“Nope. Bad waves tomorrow. I’m good till 2 o’clock.”
Mac smiled. “Well, I can stay too.”
“Sweet.”
They teased each other for fifteen minutes for the choice of the next movie. And, eventually ended up walking down Hemingway Street to the Neptune Shores Cinema Complex because they couldn’t make up their mind and decided to catch the last screening.
“Come on, let me buy you pop corn. I have to. I’m out with a girl, how will I look like?”
Mac scoffed at him. “Like a guy? Dick, I’m not your date, you don’t have to.” She frowned. “You wouldn’t have to if I was either, actually. What’s with the guys always wanting to show they are real men by buying the pop corn? That’s really peculiar.”
Dick huffed. “Fine. Buy your own pop corn. I’ll be right back.”
She smiled to herself and got the pop corn, thinking of how nice Dick had been since she had gotten to the suite. She really didn’t regret it.
When she turned to join him, she almost yelped as she found herself her nose buried in his chest. She stumbled backwards, looking up at his goofy smile. He was holding up their two tickets. “Dick! I told you, you didn’t have to buy anything for me!”
“Yeah. And I heard that.” He said, shrugging a shoulder. “But people do think I’m on a date. And, contrary to popular beliefs...” He pointed at himself. “This stud here, he is a gentleman.”
She smiled and let it slide as he led her inside. “I’m beginning to see that.”
**But help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your fault**
“Is that...?” Mac asked, feeling completely stupid as she realized she was about to gossip with Dick. He was certainly going to scoff.
“Jeff Ratner and Wanda Varner....” Dick noted, surprising her. “Boy, is he in for a ride?”
Mac squinted up at him.
“What? I don’t like the girl alright? She’s a narc.”
Mac shrugged and walked further towards the middle of the raw. “Not of my business. Maybe it’s not a date.”
Dick laughed. “Yeah, right. Girl and boy in a place where it’s dark and you can grope each other four hours, what else can it be?”
She pointedly raised a brow at him.
“Right. Good point.” He said, dropping beside her on the comfortable seat and immediately resting his arm behind her on the back of her seat and proceeding to bend down to check out the pop corn. “Can I steal some?”
Mac laughed, she had predicted that. “Yeah, so who bought who the pop corn?”
He chuckled. “So, I bought the tickets and you bought the pop corn, are we even or is it a double date?”
“Shhh....” she prompted suddenly, touching her fingers to his lips. “It’s starting.”
A smile spread wide on his face when he watched her sliding further down in her seat, opening wide eyes to watch the trailers with a childish glee on her face. He licked the sugar she had left on his lips and turned to the screen.
**That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me**
“Oh, come on, you have to admit he was very hot!” Mac insisted.
“It’s too gay!” Dick scowled.
She forcefully dug her spoon in her Ben & Jerry’s. “No! I can say Angelina Jolie is pretty without being gay. You can admit that Will Smith is hot.”
He licked his own spoon clean. “I don’t agree. See? When you say Angelina Jolie is pretty. It sounds really gay to me, and let me tell you it’s hot. So, no, I won’t admit anything.”
She snorted and ate another spoonful. “Baby.”
“Not!” he countered.
She laughed. “Yeah, because protesting like this makes you look more mature.”
Suddenly, Dick put on a childish, pouty face of a kid that’s trying to look like he’s about to cry. “Mackie, no, please. Say I’m not a baby. I’m not a baby, right?”
She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her and she reached out to pat his head. “Ok, you’re a big boy, Dick.”
He gave her the goofiest smile and looked down at his jean zipper. “Hear that buddy? You’re a big boy.”
Mac covered her face with her hand to hide her blush and her smile. “God, you’re so gross.”
“Nope, Mac. I’m inappropriate. I’m not gross.” He state. “Being gross would be standing up and resting my big boy on the tabletop.”
She made a disgusted face. “Or just making me picture it. Like just now.”
He smiled as if proud of himself. “Or that.”
As they headed out, he bought another bowl of pop corn.
**So you come along
I push you away
Then kick and scream for you to stay **
“Stop it!” Mac protested as she pulled yet another piece of pop corn out of her hair.
Dick shook his head and smiled goofily at her. “Give me one good reason.”
“Because I’m asking you to.”
He grinned and threw another. “Wrong answer. Please try again.”
She sighed and pursed her lips. “Because you’ve been nice so far and making me mad to the point I smash your balls with my heel would be too bad.”
He winced at the thought. “Nope. Still not that.” He said, this time throwing several.
“That’s it I’m leaving.” She said, as she stood up, Dick settled the bowl of pop corn next to him and caught her hand, pulling her backwards. “No, ok, stay. I’ll stop.” He swore as he held her down on his lap. “Ok?”
She giggled. “You’re so easy to freak out, you know that?” she laughed as she threw a piece of pop corn at him.
“Oh!” he laughed but still looked offended. “Oh, yeah?”
“No!!” Before she could move away, he was all over her, tickling her so much that she couldn’t breathe enough to beg him to stop.
She clawed at the sand of Dog’s beach and desperately tried to get away. She didn’t think of tickling back. So when he asked her if she was tamed she frantically nodded so he would let go.
She sat back, breathless. “You’re mean.” She accused, sticking out her lower lip just like he had before.
He ignored the fact that having her wriggle on his lap just a second before had aroused him in some ways, and tried not to zero in on her lips not to mess up again. “Sorry.” He pleaded back with a fake tiny kid voice.
**Cause I need someone to help me
Oh I need someone to help me**
“Are you cold?” Dick asked after a long silence.
They were still at Dog’s beach; they had lost track of time. She was wrapped up in a blanket he had had in the back of his truck. “No, I’m good now. You?”
“I’m cool.” He said, before blowing hair out of his nose. He had been doing that and grinned at himself because he found it funny.
Since Mac was resting against his chest and he had his back against a rock, his chin was resting on the top of her head. He made her hair move slightly and tickle his lower lip when he did it once again.
“Are you blowing your nose in my hair?” She asked in a suspicious tone.
“Ew, no!” He laughed. “No. I just like your hair. It’s really soft.”
“Thanks.” She was happy it was really dark because it hid her blush.
“Why did you stop dying it?” He asked. “It was fun when you had it red.”
Mac didn’t turn her head to look at him because it was late and it really would have taken too much effort. “I had it blue before too.”
“Yeah I remember.”
“You do?” She didn’t know he did.
“Yeah, why not? You were like the only girl at school with blue in her hair. Of course I remember that. It was funky.”
She smiled. “I don’t know why I changed it. Black seemed too dark. You don’t like the blonde strikes?” She wondered if she was actually getting his opinion or just simply chatting. She bowed her head and pressed her eyes shut when his fingers threading in her hair sent shivers jolting up her spine.
“Blonde strikes are cool.” He decided, rolling some strands between his fingers. “It just wouldn’t feel right if you ended up looking like every other girl.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not. Duh.”
**To help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this hole
Even though this is not your faut**
Dick raised his eyebrows high with the effort of keeping his eyes open and concentrating on the road.
“So, you said you were free until two?” Mac asked him.
“Yeah.”
She pursed her lips, looking at the clock on his radio. “Doesn’t leave us much time to sleep.” She stated.
It read 09:56. “Meh. Don’t matter. I got psych. I can sleep in class, that guy is so aged sometime I wonder if he isn’t asleep too.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“What have you got?” He asked.
“I have to fix some guy’s computer. I don’t have any class.”
He eyed her as they approached Hearst’s campus. “Lucky you. You can blow him off.”
“I don’t think so. I don’t pass an opportunity like that. I mean, how often do you meet a doofus that gives you a hundred bucks for formatting?”
Dick laughed. “I guess not everyday.”
They began to drive closer to the campus and Dick wondered were he should park.
“Are you hungry?” He asked, gesturing in the direction of the cafeteria. “Or do you want to go back at your dorm?”
“Oh, a bed would be awesome. I will take care of the fuel later.”
He chuckled and turned in the right direction as she failed to muffle a yawn. “It was fun. I had a good time.” She told him as he pulled in the parking lot in front of her dorm.
“Yeah?” He said, unbuckling his seatbelt and jumping out. “Cool.” He said before he slammed his door and jogged to her side.
Before she understood what he was doing, he was at her side, opening her door for her to step out. She frowned at him without getting out. “Are you going to kiss me goodnight too?”
Her eyes widened when she processed how it sounded. She had thought of the way a mom would kiss her kids on the forehead when she put them to sleep, but it hadn’t come out right. Dick he laughed. “Hey, if you’re asking, I’ll even give you a foot rub.”
“Pass.” She chuckled, getting out. “But I meant you didn’t have to do all those things, Dick. It wasn’t a date.”
She tripped slightly and he caught her hand, holding her up. “Yeah, are you sure about that?” She looked up from his chest and saw him looking down at her, his eyes full with entwined emotions.
“No.” She admitted.
“Cool.” He smiled, still holding loosely her fingers as he walked inside with her.
**That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug**
Mac really wished she was a yogi. She’d read somewhere that they could master their heartbeats. Because she was really getting worried that she was going to get a heart attack. She was also afraid Dick would start laughing at her. She felt so hot, she was sure it was showing. She felt somehow like she was glowing like a lamp. Glowing and getting hotter by the second. Till what? Fainting?
If she could have, she would have yelped when Dick’s thumb brushed across her fingers. He was there, just by her side, and she didn’t know why he was touching her. She didn’t know why she never wanted him to stop.
She remembered what she had been thinking about the day before, realization hit her that his fingers loosely hanging to hers made her feel more that Max had ever done. She felt guilty she didn’t feel guiltier.
“It’s like that.” Dick said, taking a deep breath.
Mac frowned. “What?”
“Breathing. Remember?”
She immediately turned a deep red. “Oh. Right.”
He smiled. “Hey, it’s cool. I can leave now if you want. You can stop by whenever.” He said, pulling way slightly.
She tugged softly at his fingers when he started to let go. “When?”
Dick smiled widely and started walking with her again, not letting go of her hand. “How about tonight? Have plans?”
She shrugged. “Now I have.”
“Sweet. I’ll come pick you up. Don’t forget to be late so I get to see you in your towel.”
She laughed. “You’re so cliché!”
As they laughed and entered the building, things didn’t go like she’d expected. Nobody gasped at their entrance, nobody started whispering or scoffing. Nobody really paid attention. Some would have found it disappointing, she was mostly relieved. So, some things actually change when you go in College, then?
However, there was someone bound to react. As Dick walked her to her dorm, a clear walk of shame if you believed the dark circles under their eyes, Mac caught sight of Veronica choking on a muffin.
Piz was completely oblivious to the shock written on the PI’s face and was still talking to her. Mac, however, saw Veronica recover, gulp down and mouth ‘MAC!!’.
She knew she was going to have to tell her friend everything later. Probably right after Dick left she was going to hear pounding on her door, but she was very grateful for Veronica not to say anything now, or not to come.
**And I need someone to help me sew them
I need someone to help me fill them
I need someone to help me close them up**
Mac came to a halt before her door and turned to Dick, swaying on her heels in embarrassment. She pursed her lips. She really hated these moments.
But somehow Dick always knew how to make them easier. He smiled absently, toying with a strand of hair at the side of her face and sighed profoundly. “Thanks. For coming last night.” He said.
“You too. For the other day on the beach.”
He nodded. “So we’re cool, then?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
He looked aside down the hall and back at her. “So, was it a date or not?”
She chuckled awkwardly. “It, uh... Didn’t start out that way.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too.” He said, brushing his knuckles on her cheek. “I really...” He breathed out. “...I mean really want to try kissing you again just now.”
Her lips parted slightly with shock at his honestly, but she didn’t say anything. She dropped her gaze and he looked away, dropping his hand in reaction.
He was about to say something when she looked up at him. “So...? What are you waiting for?”
The change in his features alone made her heartbeat soar. He smiled with something that looked a lot like adoration when he bended down to catch her lips.
Mac’s eyes fluttered shut just before she left his mouth against hers. His lips were as soft as she had remembered them since she’d pressed her fingers against them, but having him kissing her felt anything but soft. He was being very tender and gentle, but her body’s reaction was very violent. As he threaded his fingers in her hair she moaned and tried to calm herself down.
There was a second’s pause and he parted his lips tentatively, to see if she would follow. She did.
When their tongues met she knew she’d found her rollercoaster, and she accepted that she was fated to die from a heart attack soon. As long as it felt that good, it was totally cool.