Diary entry. It's not easy to be the bigger man when HE's a bigger man.
Hey guys.
I'm aware my last message sounded very alarming. So... here's my update.
Location: I'm staying in a tiny room at my Aunt's place. I've packed my everyday stuff very quickly and ran out of home. Well, you know, I went to her, and she said "We're going to get your stuff. Now."
So I got to bring my cat with me. Which means I'm now staying in a house with three cats and one dog. And two people. We're outnumbered in case they decide to try a putsch.
Health: So...
It happened Tuesday. Wednesday I went to a doc to have my face checked out and have it on record. In case something else happens to me (not a chance, I'm never going near him again) or he starts on my mom or something. Anyway, the doc saw me and said "You... xrays. Now." Turns out, it was just a precaution. I have no damage to my cheek bone and I just got a couple of bruised ribs and a tender sternum. Which is unfair, btw. Why would my bones hurt when I eat? Ugh. So, anyway, it's helping me with my posture, I don't forget to sit straight now. :P
So yeah... my cheek is turning a cute little shade of yellow, while the crease under my eye where I usually have my sleepy-shadows (as I call them) is all blue and purple and pink and... standing out, really. My eyelid's dark at the corner, and I've got a line of blood that looks like I did my makeup and put eyeliner on. Except I never get it that perfectly straight on my own. ^^
I can open both my eyes all the way now, and I can can smile without it hurting. Though... not TOO big. Still tender and that'll stay for a while, I'm assuming. I heal pretty quick, but not that quick.
So yeah. Nothing severe. Just flesh. Sticks and stones, et caetera...
Who would have guessed that my dad would have something in common with Chris Brown. They both pack quite a punch.
Wealth: I've been running round these past few days going to so many organisms to get a job, get financial help, the whole circus. Funny thing is... I'm turning 25 in a month. Interesting technicallity? Who or what will be giving me financial help (IF I'm eligible) will change at that point. So!... double the paperwork, double the appointments and the car rides to everywhere.
On... 20€ of change.
Yay!
*sticks thumb out and waits for a car to pass by* *in the snow*
Job: I'm registered as a job seeker with the national employment agency thingy. They were nice enough to let me be on it while I'm still technically a student. I shouldn't be allowed, normally.
So... if people look for a candidate, they'll find me. Meanwhile, I've snooped around and answered a few ads already. But I'm in the countryside and most of the ads are for qualified construction workers and stuff like that. For the others, there is stiff competition. But, I'm got a good point for my candidacy, I'd be an intern, so I can be overworked and underpaid, legally. You can give me only 30% of the minimum legal pay.
Yay?
Family: My brother was the first one to know. I freaked out, didn't know what to do. So after I was at my aunt for a few hours and sent him a text at work and he called as soon as he went out. He asked for pictures. It's our dad and he was just blown away that it could be THAT bad. He's 10 years older than me and has been off with his mom since he was 10, so he said... He'd always gotten that feeling, when you know something wrong, but you can't assume because you're only visiting.
His wife is pregnant. He said, for now, he's set on never letting our dad meet his grand child before he a) appologizes. A LOT. b) goes to rehab.
I just threw my entire family upside down. :S
My grandma on my dad's side knows since a couple of hours ago. She called here to know how I was so I assumed she knew. Turns out, my dad told her that 'we had a fight.' and that I moved out for a couple of days. Right. Anyway, I thought she knew and I mentionned what happened. She's really worried for him. He's being going downhill on a destructive path (for him, for my mom, for me) and she sees it. So I reassured her plenty. I'm fine. It's just bruises. I'm gone now, as long as this job thing happens quick, I'm gold. I'm starting my life and I'm leaving him WAY behind.
On my mom's side, we have a HUGE family. Like... 27 grand kids huge. I'm staying at my mom's twin sis (they look nothing alike, but... you know, that's just one more quirk about us. :P) and she's told one other aunt about this. Because when things got rough in the past I've gone to stay with her. And when I've needed a place to crash while looking for a place in Paris, I've stayed at her place.
I'm not warning anybody else. The info will travel on its own. Surprizingly, though, everybody I hear from once they've heard said they're not surprised.
Damn.
I've mentionned Chris before. He's our neighbor. Still is. His house is halfway between my parents and my aunts. He met my parents first but we got along perfectly. He considers(considered?) himself to be friends with both my parents and I.
He grew up with daily beatings from his dad.
He took it HARD.
He's a pacifist. He liked my dad because my parents are old hippies preaching non violence and stuff like that. (yeah.. I know. How ironic.)
So yeah. He seems really uncomfortable and doesn't know if he should still visit them and whether he wants to or not.
Anyway, he went there yesterday. Apparently my dad is still somewhat mad. (I have SO moved on) He looked to him like he hadn't slept much.
What he got from it was: they're in denial. Nothing bad happened. Nothing wrong was done. I'm a little brat that's off sulking because we had a fight. They're wondering when I'm coming back.
Annd.... when Chris mentionned offhandedly that no matter what they do, beating your kids (not a spank or a slap that goes before you can help, but... series upon series of punches) is NEVER okay nor justified. Ever.
And so says the law.
My dad went on to say thatI like it.
I like it?!
Because I find the sub/dom relationship interesting and can understand the appeal/need some people have for pain-play and I made the mistake of say it it, he uses it as... I don't even know what that is.
Anyway. I'm so over this shit.
Mentally: Like I just said. So over this shit. I'm moving on.
Somehow, it's weird... it's been a liberation. i've been expecting the big nuclear event for a decade. I was just hoping it'd either defuse because I'd gained his respect or not happen because i'd left before. But I couldn't leave before I finished my studies. (For which he encuoraged me. Because if I'm not the best I'm not good enough. He never said so, but that's the idea.)
Anyway. Now that it's done. That it's bad enough, that I have proof of how bad it is. I'm gone.
I left, I hope I never have to go back to ask for a single cent. I, for now, don't want anything to do with him. And, even though I'm terribly worried for my mom, she seems to side with him so.. bye bye mommy too.
I feel strong, now. I wear my bruised face like a "I'm a survivor" tattoo on my forehead.
It's given me fuel. I'm almost ready to be a full blown adult. I never expected to have to test my wings like that but, they should be okay to carry me now.
Enough with the metaphor, though. Seriously, guys, if you worry: I'm okay. I've been a messed up girl with daddy issues my whole life. Now I get to be a girl who used to have a shitty home life and is starting a new life. This is resolution.
Hey, one good proof? Since I've been here, I haven't felt like snoozing the alarm. And I've divided by two, or maybe three, my consumption of antacids.
Scary times are ahead, but I've shed a whole lot of baggage. It's going to be easier now.
Like Castle would say. "All in all... busy week."
I'm aware my last message sounded very alarming. So... here's my update.
Location: I'm staying in a tiny room at my Aunt's place. I've packed my everyday stuff very quickly and ran out of home. Well, you know, I went to her, and she said "We're going to get your stuff. Now."
So I got to bring my cat with me. Which means I'm now staying in a house with three cats and one dog. And two people. We're outnumbered in case they decide to try a putsch.
Health: So...
It happened Tuesday. Wednesday I went to a doc to have my face checked out and have it on record. In case something else happens to me (not a chance, I'm never going near him again) or he starts on my mom or something. Anyway, the doc saw me and said "You... xrays. Now." Turns out, it was just a precaution. I have no damage to my cheek bone and I just got a couple of bruised ribs and a tender sternum. Which is unfair, btw. Why would my bones hurt when I eat? Ugh. So, anyway, it's helping me with my posture, I don't forget to sit straight now. :P
So yeah... my cheek is turning a cute little shade of yellow, while the crease under my eye where I usually have my sleepy-shadows (as I call them) is all blue and purple and pink and... standing out, really. My eyelid's dark at the corner, and I've got a line of blood that looks like I did my makeup and put eyeliner on. Except I never get it that perfectly straight on my own. ^^
I can open both my eyes all the way now, and I can can smile without it hurting. Though... not TOO big. Still tender and that'll stay for a while, I'm assuming. I heal pretty quick, but not that quick.
So yeah. Nothing severe. Just flesh. Sticks and stones, et caetera...
Who would have guessed that my dad would have something in common with Chris Brown. They both pack quite a punch.
Wealth: I've been running round these past few days going to so many organisms to get a job, get financial help, the whole circus. Funny thing is... I'm turning 25 in a month. Interesting technicallity? Who or what will be giving me financial help (IF I'm eligible) will change at that point. So!... double the paperwork, double the appointments and the car rides to everywhere.
On... 20€ of change.
Yay!
*sticks thumb out and waits for a car to pass by* *in the snow*
Job: I'm registered as a job seeker with the national employment agency thingy. They were nice enough to let me be on it while I'm still technically a student. I shouldn't be allowed, normally.
So... if people look for a candidate, they'll find me. Meanwhile, I've snooped around and answered a few ads already. But I'm in the countryside and most of the ads are for qualified construction workers and stuff like that. For the others, there is stiff competition. But, I'm got a good point for my candidacy, I'd be an intern, so I can be overworked and underpaid, legally. You can give me only 30% of the minimum legal pay.
Yay?
Family: My brother was the first one to know. I freaked out, didn't know what to do. So after I was at my aunt for a few hours and sent him a text at work and he called as soon as he went out. He asked for pictures. It's our dad and he was just blown away that it could be THAT bad. He's 10 years older than me and has been off with his mom since he was 10, so he said... He'd always gotten that feeling, when you know something wrong, but you can't assume because you're only visiting.
His wife is pregnant. He said, for now, he's set on never letting our dad meet his grand child before he a) appologizes. A LOT. b) goes to rehab.
I just threw my entire family upside down. :S
My grandma on my dad's side knows since a couple of hours ago. She called here to know how I was so I assumed she knew. Turns out, my dad told her that 'we had a fight.' and that I moved out for a couple of days. Right. Anyway, I thought she knew and I mentionned what happened. She's really worried for him. He's being going downhill on a destructive path (for him, for my mom, for me) and she sees it. So I reassured her plenty. I'm fine. It's just bruises. I'm gone now, as long as this job thing happens quick, I'm gold. I'm starting my life and I'm leaving him WAY behind.
On my mom's side, we have a HUGE family. Like... 27 grand kids huge. I'm staying at my mom's twin sis (they look nothing alike, but... you know, that's just one more quirk about us. :P) and she's told one other aunt about this. Because when things got rough in the past I've gone to stay with her. And when I've needed a place to crash while looking for a place in Paris, I've stayed at her place.
I'm not warning anybody else. The info will travel on its own. Surprizingly, though, everybody I hear from once they've heard said they're not surprised.
Damn.
I've mentionned Chris before. He's our neighbor. Still is. His house is halfway between my parents and my aunts. He met my parents first but we got along perfectly. He considers(considered?) himself to be friends with both my parents and I.
He grew up with daily beatings from his dad.
He took it HARD.
He's a pacifist. He liked my dad because my parents are old hippies preaching non violence and stuff like that. (yeah.. I know. How ironic.)
So yeah. He seems really uncomfortable and doesn't know if he should still visit them and whether he wants to or not.
Anyway, he went there yesterday. Apparently my dad is still somewhat mad. (I have SO moved on) He looked to him like he hadn't slept much.
What he got from it was: they're in denial. Nothing bad happened. Nothing wrong was done. I'm a little brat that's off sulking because we had a fight. They're wondering when I'm coming back.
Annd.... when Chris mentionned offhandedly that no matter what they do, beating your kids (not a spank or a slap that goes before you can help, but... series upon series of punches) is NEVER okay nor justified. Ever.
And so says the law.
My dad went on to say thatI like it.
I like it?!
Because I find the sub/dom relationship interesting and can understand the appeal/need some people have for pain-play and I made the mistake of say it it, he uses it as... I don't even know what that is.
Anyway. I'm so over this shit.
Mentally: Like I just said. So over this shit. I'm moving on.
Somehow, it's weird... it's been a liberation. i've been expecting the big nuclear event for a decade. I was just hoping it'd either defuse because I'd gained his respect or not happen because i'd left before. But I couldn't leave before I finished my studies. (For which he encuoraged me. Because if I'm not the best I'm not good enough. He never said so, but that's the idea.)
Anyway. Now that it's done. That it's bad enough, that I have proof of how bad it is. I'm gone.
I left, I hope I never have to go back to ask for a single cent. I, for now, don't want anything to do with him. And, even though I'm terribly worried for my mom, she seems to side with him so.. bye bye mommy too.
I feel strong, now. I wear my bruised face like a "I'm a survivor" tattoo on my forehead.
It's given me fuel. I'm almost ready to be a full blown adult. I never expected to have to test my wings like that but, they should be okay to carry me now.
Enough with the metaphor, though. Seriously, guys, if you worry: I'm okay. I've been a messed up girl with daddy issues my whole life. Now I get to be a girl who used to have a shitty home life and is starting a new life. This is resolution.
Hey, one good proof? Since I've been here, I haven't felt like snoozing the alarm. And I've divided by two, or maybe three, my consumption of antacids.
Scary times are ahead, but I've shed a whole lot of baggage. It's going to be easier now.
Like Castle would say. "All in all... busy week."