Diary entry. Guess who's breaking my heart? Hint: it's not my boyfriend.
Guh.
Alright. So... my boyfriend? Unless he's dying or has lost someone or has something REALLY BAD happening in his life... He sucks.
I am nice. I am fucking patient. I can understand when someone says to me "I'm really grumpy, I wouldn't be good company."
I'm really busy, I don't have a lot of time for a love life, or social life or irl altogether....
But still. Two weeks? One text message?
Hello, but you, mister, are single, unless you come up with a reallll good appology or an explanation.
But... I'm crying right now... because of the aftermath or the best and worst time of my life.
I went to Australia. This was a dream come true. Seriously, I'm not just saying the phrase. I've dreamt of living my country, of going off to an english speaking one... since I was... 13. Before that I wanted to be Buffy.
I lived over then for 9 months. Nine months during which I met awesome people, I took hard decisions that hurt me and hurt people around me to be true to who I was. (Namely, broke up with the boyfriend who loved me pationately because I found it unfair to stay, because I didn't love him anymore, and 'it's easy and it feels good' isn't a reason enough for me). I met someone I fell for.
She made me happy. She was so much like me that it blew my mind. I've never met someone I didn't have to explain the way I though to until I met her.
When I left, we decided to keep in touch.
It's hard. Opposite sides of the earth mean opposite times in the day too. Opposite seasons, heck, i wish I was there right now.
And coming back.
It fucking killed me. I grew up in a town that has more chickens than people. My town is fucking Smallville meets Mystic Falls except NO ONE is good looking and NOTHING ever happens. Except drunken fights and family feudes that date back to WWI. Seriously.
I always wanted to leave.
And I have. I've been away to highschool, to college, to business school. I took an awesome flight to Australia.
And I never noticed that I was tied to a fucking slingshot that brought me right back down, hard, in the mud I came from.
It was the best year of my life followed by the worst of the last decade and a half.
I fell appart. And when my friends were so fucking happy around me, it burned. I couldn't be jealous, but I couldn't feel happy for them. I just couldn't watch. So I turned it off. All of it. Me.
And today it's lost me a friend.
My ex girlfriend.
The one person I met that got me. And damn if that doesn't feel like being dumped all over again.
I burnt my hand on a curling iron saturday. 220°C hot metal. I closed my hand on it. Because I'm stupid.
I'm typing one handed because I can't move my left hand and the skin is falling off and it looks like it's going to rot on here. Except it hurts, so bad, so I know it's healing.
I'd rather do that all over again than feel the way I feel right now.
I would love to have a brother or sister around to go and beg for a hug. I could go to my parents, but it's not the way here. I'd be told off for being so weak. (Ever wonder where my emotional armor came from?)
I've grown up told never to give my heart to a guy. I never did, even though I think sometimes, when you truely love, it's not yours to give, because it's been stolen already.
But I give my heart to my friends. i trust them with it. I have a few. Two in particular that I've known and loved for a long time, and I know that whatever happens, even if we haven't talked in month, if we catch each other on the phone, it's gonna start again like we last talked yesterday.
Somehow... I let one girl I just met and felt like I knew my whole life become just as important as Barbara and Claire (I may have refered to Claire as Oz, here, too). And, wow...
It is the first time in my life my heart is ripped out by someone other than me.
GOD, help me. I feel like listening to Taylor Swift.
Fuck. I wish I drank alcohol.
Anyway. Sorry for the TMI, guys. I had to get this out. I guess one day I'll look back to this. Now only time will tell how I'll feel about it.