A Question of Balance
My father is convinced that I should "get involved with life", his way of saying I'm a self-centered introvert who needs to get out more. While that may be true, it doesn't make me appreciate his apparent concern. Seemingy he's worried I'll end up as some kind of nobody. Which I won't, but even if I do, it won't be the end of the world for me.
Re-stating one of the fundamental truths of my relationship with him, we are very different. Sometimes I envy him, his motivation and fear [yes, fear: he's afraid of ending up alone and unsuccessful], but other times I genuinely dispise him. I wonder if I don't dispise myself as well for being so unlike him, and for not wanting to please him more. Mostly, I just want to get him off my back.
I'm afraid I've painted him a little negatively in this journal. My father is actually very wise. He's seen the dark, the yuppie, and the Bohemian sides of life. I think he understands the path he's chosen. He understands how I think: with my heart, not my mind, though my mind isn't less sharp for it. He just wants me to change. Do I want to change? I don't know; in some ways, I don't even care. In other ways, it's the most important thing in the world for me.
Will I always be like this, divided between caring and not, tripping over the line to fall into each extreme? Will I always be this angsting, over-dramatic adolescent, who spends so much time looking for her place in life that life passes her by? Who the hell am I? Where do I want to be, and what am I willing to give up in order to get there?
Re-stating one of the fundamental truths of my relationship with him, we are very different. Sometimes I envy him, his motivation and fear [yes, fear: he's afraid of ending up alone and unsuccessful], but other times I genuinely dispise him. I wonder if I don't dispise myself as well for being so unlike him, and for not wanting to please him more. Mostly, I just want to get him off my back.
I'm afraid I've painted him a little negatively in this journal. My father is actually very wise. He's seen the dark, the yuppie, and the Bohemian sides of life. I think he understands the path he's chosen. He understands how I think: with my heart, not my mind, though my mind isn't less sharp for it. He just wants me to change. Do I want to change? I don't know; in some ways, I don't even care. In other ways, it's the most important thing in the world for me.
Will I always be like this, divided between caring and not, tripping over the line to fall into each extreme? Will I always be this angsting, over-dramatic adolescent, who spends so much time looking for her place in life that life passes her by? Who the hell am I? Where do I want to be, and what am I willing to give up in order to get there?