losing {lost} touch
i was thinking the other day about how i don't remember certain things. i can recall lots of stuff, but the honest emotional connection is null and void. if you know me personally... and have known me since high school... you probably already know how this is... i can ramble and remember... reminisce and recount.. but i feel distanced and disconnected. i can remember an instance as being funny... but i don't know why i thought it was funny. i can remember crying, but can't make myself understand the tears.
i'm just a different person now... and i think i'm grieving for that other me.
and i'm not just talking about like... growing up, everybody does that... and gets different in their own ways, discarding idosyncracies, embracing new habits... but still following a pattern. maturity/modernization... self discovery, self improvement, sequentially.. and structured...
i'm saying, i'm not the same person anymore, i don't even really remember who i was then.
it really upsets me. my memories are like someone else's home movies, that i'm watching and trying to connect with so as to not offend them. i'm laughing at the goof ups, choking up, reflecting, entertainment in retrospection.
but i don't know what made me then, and i know even less of what makes me now.
and i just want my mom to hug me and tell me that its ok. she's good at that. then we'd smoke a cigarette and vaccum the pool.
and thats the kinda day i'm having.
i'm just a different person now... and i think i'm grieving for that other me.
and i'm not just talking about like... growing up, everybody does that... and gets different in their own ways, discarding idosyncracies, embracing new habits... but still following a pattern. maturity/modernization... self discovery, self improvement, sequentially.. and structured...
i'm saying, i'm not the same person anymore, i don't even really remember who i was then.
it really upsets me. my memories are like someone else's home movies, that i'm watching and trying to connect with so as to not offend them. i'm laughing at the goof ups, choking up, reflecting, entertainment in retrospection.
but i don't know what made me then, and i know even less of what makes me now.
and i just want my mom to hug me and tell me that its ok. she's good at that. then we'd smoke a cigarette and vaccum the pool.
and thats the kinda day i'm having.