Words spoken in anger are the sharpest knives to ever touch the soul
For someone to rely on and a shoulder to cry on
You can depend on me
If you're in need of some kindness
And you can't seem to find it
You can depend on me
Well there ain't no need to worry you know we'll get along
Those dark clouds may surround you
But together we'll be strong
-"Depend on Me" - Bryan Adams
As most anyone will tell you, I am not easily angered relying instead on conviction and faith to carry me through. In truth all of the words I might wish to take back have been said from emotional pain and not anger.
There is perhaps one phrase I have said in, anger perhaps, and certainly in pain and turmoil. It took place not long after Londo’s visit to our estate for the Davo festival. I had thought seeing him would ease my mind from the emptiness I had felt since leaving Babylon 5. It had in the end done everything but what I had wished it to. His visit left me feeling even emptier and plagued by rumors. Giving me a new title “the court's whore”.
My ever loving mother came to comfort me one evening as I cried on the balcony. She reminded me that the Ambassador was willing to risk his status for my happiness and surely in the end a way would be found for us to be together.
Looking back I find her words that evening to be a comfort and a blessing but at that moment they were the last thing I wanted to hear. I lost my temper from the pain and said things that should never have been spoken. I was vicious toward her and spoke the words I knew would hurt her as much as I hurt.
“I don’t want to be a rich man's whore like you were, I want to be his wife. I can’t now because you were too weak to stand up for your hearts and instead betrayed my father’s love for you.”
I stormed from the balcony leaving her crying in my wake.
Since that day I have been looking for the right moment to apologize for my pain and the words I had spoken to her. I have to believe perhaps this topic has called me to face what I have been putting off.
Rising from her chair Adira walks to the study where her mother was completing some research. “It is time to make amends.” Adira mused as she timidly opened the door to the study. Lady Deljah scowled and Adira’s hearts sank.
“Mother can I speak with you?” Adira’s voice was soft and lonely. She missed her mother’s company over the past two months since the events she had just written about.
Deljah closed her book and stared intently at her daughter. “What have you returned to insult me again?” Her voice was full of pain and Adira began to feel her courage wavering under crushing guilt.
Adira shook her head and sat heavily next to her mother. She didn’t know how to say what she needed to and struggled to find the right words. The “right words” wouldn’t come to her so she settled for what would come to her from her hearts. Her eyes filled with tears as she spoke.
“Mother…I’m sorry...I...I...I just can’t bear to be without him and I can’t be with him. Some days it hurts so much I wish to die.”
Deljah gazed into her daughter’s eyes. She remembered what it was to bear a forbidden love. Tears welled up in Lady Deljah’s eyes as she remembered her own anger when she was prohibited from standing beside the man she loved. Deljah brushed her daughter’s tear stained cheek softly with her hand.
“I know the pain you feel, My Little Flower. Do not lose hope. Li never abandons hearts that bear her truest love. She will find a way for you to be reunited.” She smiled at Adira to encourage her despite the burning pain in her hearts.
“Why did she abandon you then?” Adira’s voice was filled with concern and uncertainty.
Deljah paused before speaking. “She never abandoned me, for I still see his fire in a young woman who shares his eyes and hearts. I see him everyday I see you are still in love despite what others pressure you to do. I see him in your strength.” She wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter to comfort her as she had done all the years ago when her father passed on to Morgoth to wait for her to join him.
OOC: Time Frame - Late First Season Crossposted to theatrical_muse