Theories
So this weekend I'll be meeting Sherry and some other lovely people for this life changing healing session I've been craving so badly. Wanting to prepare myself, I asked what my biggest problem that needs worked on is.
This didn't take long to answer, communication is my issue. I feel like my spirit, mind, and body aren't communicating properly at all because they all want different things.
My spirit calls me to Columbus, mostly to be closer to what is my epicenter of spiritual knowledge. I trust Columbus and I feel safe there. Also I'll be able to grow into my own person there. I've always been drawn there, I joke that I'd take driving to Columbus (2.5 hours) over Pittsburgh (45 min) any day.
My mental self is still drawn to Akron and Pittsburgh. I feel like I was escaping when I moved back from Akron, and that I left a lot of good people behind up there. I also feel like I'll be leaving behind my Pittsburgh friends that I'm very blessed to have as well. I don't really want to be a Crane, Sassafras is by far the most healing group my heart has ever found. How can I live in Columbus and still be in Sassafras? It's possible, but conflicts with my strong sense of practicality.
Physically I feel drawn to stay put in Steubenville but get my own place. My family is here, my friends are here, and Steubenville is what formed so much of who I am. I always feel safe here, and I do feel a sense of belonging too. At any minute of any day I can find something to get into without a sense of fear or anxiety. I'm one of the few proud gay people here that haven't been swallowed up by the small town close mindedness, I feel untouchable here. Moving away makes me feel abandoned, even though I know that's untrue.
I think my doubt comes from my body and mind feeling neglected as I work so consistently on my spirituality. I haven't done much for my body by holing up inside and withdrawing from everyone that doesn't live within walking distance. Mentally I'm neglecting myself by not taking care of the stray thoughts that boggle my mind. I haven't done much to sort my brain out, besides taking a walk and typing this from my phone.
Speaking of which, I do feel slightly better now. Headphones to cancel out the background thoughts, sunlight and exercise for the body, and the marvel of the returning greenery is grounding my spirit as I work out these problems.
Until the wind blows again,
-Anthony
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