Ugh, the Drama!!!!
So my life hasn't been all about farting butterflies and shitting sunshine. I've been through a lot of shit, like being raped at an early age, having cancer, not having my dad around a lot, being discriminated against, just a lot of shit. So for me it's hard to trust anyone. I can't even trust my parents, I mean my mom wouldn't believe me that I'd been raped, until 2 years later. So I've been very closed all my life. I mean, sure, I'll have crushes on people, and I'll say I trust my friends, but I can't really trust anyone hardcore, or like anyone. Now many people know about my ex Rachel, and she came into my life at a time where I didn't have to the will to go on, and how I was literally moments away from committing suicide. She saved my life, and I thank god a lot for her. Then she was pulled away from me. She moved away, her dad was in the Navy, so she had to move away a lot. For the better part of our relationship she lived in Calgary, Canada. We were together for a little over five years, and I had always thought I was going to marry her.
Then the break up. It happened about a week before we got out for Christmas Break. She began to seem more distant with each passing day, and then I realized she'd been avoiding me. So I finally confronted her, and it ended. I was so fucking depressed. I just sheltered myself and tried to distance myself from everything and everyone.
I went on like that for about a good month, and slowly started to heal. It began very slowly, forgiving her, realizing that I wasn't going to let that get to me, and starting to like new people. That's were Joel comes in.
I've said this a million times, and it still holds true, I mean I can't help who I fall for, it's just something that happens, sometimes it might be 'wrong' according to society, but I've realized that I'm never going to be perfect, so whatever, besides Love is Love.
I'd known him for a while now, he used to go to PCA, but he didn't really know me. My freshman year I finally had the chance to actually speak to him and get to know him more, even though I could tell I wasn't really the type of person who he was more prone to, but whatever, I let it go, and I let my crush on him, subside. Now I was mad at him for getting the part I wanted in the school musical, but after thinking about it I realized that he deserved it, and he fit the character more, so I let it go. I was just jealous, I mean during that point I was so depressed, my dad was in the hospital, and I just felt so distraught, I deserved a break from being so depressed, from just having everything go to shit.
After getting over Rachel, I began to notice him more, and began to try to become friends with him. I mean after all, we were both in the same choir, and well I was pretty much friends with the rest of the choir, so I figured, why not. It wasn't really until a few weeks before the choir trip that we really began to form a formidable friendship.
When I found out he wasn't going to be able to go on the choir trip due to financial problems I was crushed, I mean I was at that point in a friendship when I wanted to spend every living moment in his presence. Which is about the time I began to notice there was more than just 'friendly' feelings there, but I suppressed them. I thought nothing of them, I mean, seriously, I thought I was probably just mixing up emotions and what not. So I thought as friendly gesture I'd pitch in the rest of the money for his trip, and low and behold we end up rooming together, and in the same bed.
Things began to get a bit complicated, I mean I tried to suppress my feelings, but he just made it hard, he was nice, he'd flirt on occasion, even though he was 'straight'. During the trip I felt like we became very close, and he even invited me to his church, something I didn't really feel comfortable about, but I still accepted the offer. Church for me was very painful, because I felt like I wasn't willing to support something that wouldn't accept my aunt, and a lot of my friends, but I still went, and I loved it!
I was so into it, it was really cool, and it was unlike any other church I'd ever been to. It was much more open and much more open minded than the other million we have in our town, and having Joel as the group leader of our section of the youth group, the 'High School Guys', was just an added bonus. I even told my aunt, and she was so excited about it, she was excited that I had finally found a place that was not only very open minded, but also that accepted me for my beliefs and not just of who I was.
Things with me and Joel were at an all time high, we'd hang out on a daily basis and I actually trusted him with my life. Which was insanely hard for me. He knew everything about me, he knew me inside and out, and I felt comfortable around him. Something I hadn't had since Rachel, but then I began to realize that I liked him, but as before I tried to suppress those feelings, only this time it was hard. Very hard.
Until a couple weeks ago we'd been the best of friends, and I loved that, but I felt like I had to tell him. I couldn't keep this from him, I just wanted to tell him. I wanted there to be no mixed emotions in our friendship, but I knew I couldn't say it to him to his face, I'd break down. So I wrote him a letter. A long letter, explaining everything. Now a week before that I'd actually pushed him into applying at Starbucks, our hangout place, and he'd gotten the job.
So waiting for him to get off his shift and read the letter was so hard. I guess he'd realize that it was too late, so he sent me a text message saying 'We'll talk about it tomorrow. Night!'. I didn't feel like he was mad so I thought nothing about it.
The following morning I started to text him to no avail, so I became worried. Finally he responded to one asking him if he was pissed off at me, so he said, 'Not at all, we just need to talk about it later.' So I took that as a good sign, and I'd figure that since we'd gone to lunch before, and then hung out the whole day the before yesterday, I even got to meet his siblings, that things were going to be great.
So after the bell rang I ran to meet him at the Choir hall parking lot, because that's where he'd be most likely to be, and he was. So I tried talking to him there, but he stopped me and said that we should talk later, when we had a bit more time. So I accepted, and I even made it clear that I wanted nothing with him other than a friendship. I didn't want to date him or anything else. I just wanted to tell him how I felt. So we agreed to talk later.
Then came 'The Talk'.
He called me that night at about 10 pm, and we began the conversation like any other conversation we'd had, like 'What's up?', 'How was work?', you know, just the usual, and then I asked what he wanted to talk about, and he began by saying that he didn't like guys, which I understood, I mean I didn't expect him to just date me, you know? So after that he said that he didn't think that It'd be wise for me to pursue him, he told me that if I continued to pursue him that he'd have to kick me out of his church, because in the bible it said that homo/bisexuality was a sin, and that it was condemned. I started getting defensive, because it was my only weapon, I started to try to stand up for what I believed in, but he continued by reading verses and all theses things to me from the bible and telling me how my lifestyle was wrong, and how I should get healing for my illness. He even compared my sexuality to an alcohol addiction, and a flat tire, and how I should get my tire fixed, because it's what everyone does, they fill up their tires so their cars will be functional, my car being my life. So I tried explaining to him that for starters I wasn't going to conform to some ideal just because some book said I should, how it's retarded not to be your own person, and even reiterated how I didn't want anything with him, and how I was just telling him how I felt so he'd know, but he was relentless, he continued to bash my lifestyle, and continued to bash me as a person, and even said that I couldn't be a Christian, or believe in god if I was bisexual, and at that instant, I began to cry. So he just hung up.
I mean I knew where he was coming from, it is a sin, but like I said, I can't help who I fall for. He said it's controllable, but, to be honest, the mind and heart, I feel, are conjoined and they can think as one, and they think in mysterious ways. I can't tell my heart how to act, because then I'd be lying to myself, and I've done that too many times before. Which is why I cried that whole day, and many days after that. I didn't eat for all those days, either. By the following Monday I'd lost around 10 pounds, and my eyes were so tired from crying that they were swollen, I couldn't go on, and people began to notice, and that was the last thing I wanted. So, I closed myself from other people.
Things went slow that Monday, and I really needed to talk to someone, because I felt that if I let this get to me any more, I'd do something stupid. So, I decided to tell my closest friends, Tasha, Kodee and Jake, about the whole experience and how I felt, because I knew they'd all support me, they'd be my crying shoulders, and they'd be there for me. Even if I just wanted to talk at 3 am, and that helped me a lot.
That Tuesday after I got home from Choir practice for the yearly revue I was a bit sad, because I'd seen Joel, and he'd tried to be all buddy-buddy, and that just made things worse, so I just felt drained. I got on to check my email and he began to sign in and out every 2 seconds. It happened a lot. It went on for about half an hour until finally I called him and asked him what his problem was, he laughed and said he didn't know, that I should tell him, so I asked him to stop signing in and out of WLM, and he laughed, saying that he knew nothing about it. Which was a complete lie. So I hung up, but he continued to do that, so I figured out that he was actually blocking me and unblocking me so his toast would show up. So I fought fire with fire, and when I blocked him he stayed on for about an hour. I unblocked him, figuring he'd stop and he started again.
So a couple days went by, and even though I still liked him a lot, I felt horrible during the practices for the Revue. Then that Thursday he began to do the same thing, he'd block me and unblock me until I finally began talking to him, and I asked him if he could please stop, and leave me alone. So he has the nerve to tell me that he found it very amusing that it annoyed me. So I told him to stop annoying me, that he'd already hurt me a lot, that he was the one who kicked me out of his church, and had basically thrown me out of his life, so even though I still liked him, that if he could just leave me alone. So he said that I didn't get it, he said, 'Number ONE: I said that u could not call urself a christian and live THAT lifestyle!!! I GAVE U SCRIPTURAL PROOF!!! btw, if u were not willing to change and accept healing, then its MY job to kick u out and tell u to not come back until u wanted to CHANGE!!! there werent any "mixed" feelings, i treated u like i treat EVERYBODY else.' And I asked him who he thought he was to be in charge of what I'm supposed to do, and he replied by saying that he wasn't, the bible was, because according to him the bible is the law. So I told him that there's nothing wrong with my lifestyle, love is just love, it's like geez, just let me be, and he said I had no idea what I was talking about, that I'd like to think that, but it's wrong, and I'm wrong, that it was wrong back then, it's wrong now, and it will always be wrong, and if I chose to be that way, then I'm going to end up in hell with all the homosexuals, sinners, rapists, and killers. I told him that what he was saying was hurtful, and that he had no right to say that. I believe in god, I believe he is my father in heaven and that Jesus is my savior. So he replied by saying, 'btw i could care less who u want to be, ur not my responsibility, i was just telling u how its going to be and how the WORD of GOD says it will be, i dont care if u believe me or not, its your life ur screwing up.' So I told him that how can he be so cold hearted, and evil, it's just a history book after all, it's not really proven, by either side that it's real or fake, and I also told him that it was him who was screwing his life up by being so evil. So, of course he replied by saying, 'hahahaha how long did it take you to come up with that load of ?? hmm maybe u came up with it when ur where trying to come up with something that would make u feel better inside:D', and I just lost it, all those emotions I had hit me at once. I started to cry like a babbling idiot. So I just told him, 'If I would like to know how the world of God according to Joel, and some book, thinks about me, I'll ask you. But until then, please leave me alone. I am not asking for repentance, and you are no one to tell me otherwise.' and he asked if I thought that, then why don't I just leave him alone. Which was totally ludicrous, I mean, I was the one who just wanted to be left alone, it was just ridiculous what he was saying. I told him that I'd never been hurt that much by anyone in a long time. So he told me, 'yes u have and that why ur living like u are, and believing the things that u believe, u NEED healing, u dont know whats got control over u, it sure isnt yourself, and u kno it so stop crying, be a man, and suck it up.' So by that point I was just letting out tear after tear after painful tear, and my eyes were burning from how much I'd cried, it was just painful what he was doing to me. I replied by saying, 'I tried to be nice, I tried to be the bigger person, to not let you get to you. My aunt was actually going to donate over a half a million dollars for that damn church, because I told her how awesome it was, and how amazing you were, she was glad that, finally, someone and a church had actually accepted me not for who I was, but for what I believed, and not judged me. She was going to donate over half a million dollars for that Phase 3 thing you guys are so amped about!' I even gave him my tie when his broke that same day during the Revue practice, and he said, 'lol i never judged u adex, u told me who u were, and i told what the bible says about it, it's wrong, how can that hurt? i'm telling u the truht.' So I explained to him how I trusted him, how I actually opened myself to him, something I couldn't easily do. 'i gave u life giving wisdom, i didnt hate u for it, i didnt judge you, if i hated u, i never would have told u nething.' was what he said after that. It hurt a lot. I mean it's hard for me to open myself up to someone and like them, but also to trust them was just even harder. He then said that I couldn't call myself a Christian if I wasn't at a constant state of change, and he signed off.
I cried the following day, but tried to hide it, I couldn't show weakness, because if he knew I was weak, then he'd know he'd won another battle. I thought I'd finished dealing with him, but then the following Thursday we texted each other after the Revue. I finally got the courage to tell him that I was willing to give up everything for him, and I meant it, and I still do, I'd give up everything for him, everything. Even for just a fraction of a millisecond to live in a world where it wouldn't matter if it was wrong, in a world where we could be together. So he called me, and he asked what he was suppose to do about that. What did I expect him to do. I didn't know what he meant by that, so I explained to him that what he did was very hurtful. It just seemed endless how much I talked. I basically repeated everything I'd already said, from not wanting a relationship or anything, to how I'd truly give up everything to be with him, because they're all just material things. He told me he couldn't accept me as a friend because I was bisexual, but then he went on to say that he couldn't accept my sin, but he didn't reject me... Now, is it just me and Kodee who think that, what he said seemed a bit weird? I mean what was he saying? It sounded like such an oxymoron. Did he even know what he was saying? I understand what he said, but Kodee made me realize that he was kind of admitting that he felt the same way but he was telling me all this, because he realized that he felt the same way about me, but he knew that was wrong, so by telling me all this, he's making himself feel better, and maybe if I fell out of like with him then he wouldn't feel so bad about what he was feeling. Which in way made sense, but it still hurt, I mean why would someone do that? He said how he didn't think that life was all about just being nice and caring for other people's feelings, but then every now and then he'd ask me why I'd give up everything, if he wasn't special, because according to him and the bible, no one is special, but I told him he was; to me. He asked if there was anything he could do or say that would make me not like him, because the bible aside, what I was doing was gross. I responded by saying that there was nothing he could ever do or say that would ever make me stop liking him, that even through all he'd put me through I still liked him. 'Why?' he asked, over and over again, and the I told him the answer was simple. I told him, that even though I said he was a horrible person, I still thought he was nice. That somewhere in there was the person I fell in love with, and that's where it hit me, I loved him, but I didn't tell him that, I just continued explaining to him why I liked him so much, and how I just wanted to be friends. He said that friends aren't people who just accept you all willy nilly, friends are suppose to make you realize when you're doing something wrong, and make you be a better person, and that it's good to surround yourself with people who only teach you to be a better person. I told him he was wrong, I told him that a friend was someone who accepted you no matter what, a friend is someone who will be there for you whenever you them, and a friend is someone who will cry with you because of the stupidest things, and smile when you whenever you're at your highest. He then said that I had no idea what I was talking about, and that if we truly had cared about my aunt, and that if my parents actually cared about me, they'd try to heal me, and that I must not care about my aunt because I didn't try and save her or heal her. So, I asked him to stop. That he was not just being rude, but he was really hurting me, and he started laughing. He said to get over it, that life wasn't about being all nice to each other and caring for other people's feelings, because a lawyer wouldn't let the rapist go if he felt bad for him, and that left me aghast, I mean, seriously, what the hell?!?! Why was he being like this? I finally decided that I had to go to sleep, it was 3 am, for Christs' sake. So, the conversation ended with him just completely saying that he never wanted to be my friend, ever again, unless I got healing, and him repeating how gross it was. I asked if he could be the person who 'gave me healing', and he answered no. That it would defeat the purpose, so I told him that I didn't want healing. He laughed again, he said that in that case I was lying, because then I wouldn't truly give up everything for him, so I just started crying even harder. He said that he'd never give me an apology because he thought it'd be hypocritical about it, and he hung up. I cried until about lunch the next day, trying to just understand why people were like that. Trying to understand how someone can just go into someones life and just screw everything up, and how I was done trying to be strong, so I just let my tears go, and everyone took notice at school.
I mean I'm not going to be a wuss about it, I do take responsibility for parts of it, and no, I don't think all Christians are like that, I'm not going to let one person distort my view of a whole group of people, I'm not that judgmental.
So I began opening up to my friends, and they were all on my side. They were so great about it, and it really helped me with this whole situation. I would much rather have a shoulder to cry on, than someone who would try to 'heal me of my illness.' He called me again, to tell me to stop talking shit about him, and start telling the truth. What, saying that he rejected me because I'm bi is lying? Apparently is is, according to him he rejected my sin, not me. Okay... Sure... That's so different. But whatever. I'm tired of all this, I'm tired of crying, and it hurts to know that I still love him.
But, I'm done. I still love him, yea, but once this subsides, which I hope is soon, I vow to never like anyone again, it's too damn painful, it's too depressing. I'd rather go through life with friends then worrying about someone who might not return those feelings. I'm going back to DefCon 1, emotionally wise, no one is coming into my heart, and I'm never opening myself up to anyone ever again. I'm screwed up for life, all because of one person, and it sucks, but it's just something I have to do. I've realized that I'll never truly be happy with another human being, and I'll never have a significant other.
If you read all this, now you know everything, and hopefully you'll never have to go through any of this, because it sucks guys, it really does. I haven't cried this much ever over someone.
I hope your lives are so much better.
Love,
Adex
P.s. My best friend in the whole universe, Tasha, wrote this, so as a final thought ala Jerry Springer, I leave you with: The Definition of Love...
'Love is mutual understanding, respect, trust, passion and acceptance between two people that care deeply about one another.
Love is when you would sacrifice yourself for the other, when you intend to spend your life with them, when every day without them feels like a year.
Love is feeling the comfort, security and warmth of being snuggled under the covers at home on a rainy day and feeling the thrill, tingles, and excitement of jumping off a cliff into icy waters all at the same time.
Love is when you can't explain your feelings but you recognize them anyways as what they are.' - Tasha
Then the break up. It happened about a week before we got out for Christmas Break. She began to seem more distant with each passing day, and then I realized she'd been avoiding me. So I finally confronted her, and it ended. I was so fucking depressed. I just sheltered myself and tried to distance myself from everything and everyone.
I went on like that for about a good month, and slowly started to heal. It began very slowly, forgiving her, realizing that I wasn't going to let that get to me, and starting to like new people. That's were Joel comes in.
I've said this a million times, and it still holds true, I mean I can't help who I fall for, it's just something that happens, sometimes it might be 'wrong' according to society, but I've realized that I'm never going to be perfect, so whatever, besides Love is Love.
I'd known him for a while now, he used to go to PCA, but he didn't really know me. My freshman year I finally had the chance to actually speak to him and get to know him more, even though I could tell I wasn't really the type of person who he was more prone to, but whatever, I let it go, and I let my crush on him, subside. Now I was mad at him for getting the part I wanted in the school musical, but after thinking about it I realized that he deserved it, and he fit the character more, so I let it go. I was just jealous, I mean during that point I was so depressed, my dad was in the hospital, and I just felt so distraught, I deserved a break from being so depressed, from just having everything go to shit.
After getting over Rachel, I began to notice him more, and began to try to become friends with him. I mean after all, we were both in the same choir, and well I was pretty much friends with the rest of the choir, so I figured, why not. It wasn't really until a few weeks before the choir trip that we really began to form a formidable friendship.
When I found out he wasn't going to be able to go on the choir trip due to financial problems I was crushed, I mean I was at that point in a friendship when I wanted to spend every living moment in his presence. Which is about the time I began to notice there was more than just 'friendly' feelings there, but I suppressed them. I thought nothing of them, I mean, seriously, I thought I was probably just mixing up emotions and what not. So I thought as friendly gesture I'd pitch in the rest of the money for his trip, and low and behold we end up rooming together, and in the same bed.
Things began to get a bit complicated, I mean I tried to suppress my feelings, but he just made it hard, he was nice, he'd flirt on occasion, even though he was 'straight'. During the trip I felt like we became very close, and he even invited me to his church, something I didn't really feel comfortable about, but I still accepted the offer. Church for me was very painful, because I felt like I wasn't willing to support something that wouldn't accept my aunt, and a lot of my friends, but I still went, and I loved it!
I was so into it, it was really cool, and it was unlike any other church I'd ever been to. It was much more open and much more open minded than the other million we have in our town, and having Joel as the group leader of our section of the youth group, the 'High School Guys', was just an added bonus. I even told my aunt, and she was so excited about it, she was excited that I had finally found a place that was not only very open minded, but also that accepted me for my beliefs and not just of who I was.
Things with me and Joel were at an all time high, we'd hang out on a daily basis and I actually trusted him with my life. Which was insanely hard for me. He knew everything about me, he knew me inside and out, and I felt comfortable around him. Something I hadn't had since Rachel, but then I began to realize that I liked him, but as before I tried to suppress those feelings, only this time it was hard. Very hard.
Until a couple weeks ago we'd been the best of friends, and I loved that, but I felt like I had to tell him. I couldn't keep this from him, I just wanted to tell him. I wanted there to be no mixed emotions in our friendship, but I knew I couldn't say it to him to his face, I'd break down. So I wrote him a letter. A long letter, explaining everything. Now a week before that I'd actually pushed him into applying at Starbucks, our hangout place, and he'd gotten the job.
So waiting for him to get off his shift and read the letter was so hard. I guess he'd realize that it was too late, so he sent me a text message saying 'We'll talk about it tomorrow. Night!'. I didn't feel like he was mad so I thought nothing about it.
The following morning I started to text him to no avail, so I became worried. Finally he responded to one asking him if he was pissed off at me, so he said, 'Not at all, we just need to talk about it later.' So I took that as a good sign, and I'd figure that since we'd gone to lunch before, and then hung out the whole day the before yesterday, I even got to meet his siblings, that things were going to be great.
So after the bell rang I ran to meet him at the Choir hall parking lot, because that's where he'd be most likely to be, and he was. So I tried talking to him there, but he stopped me and said that we should talk later, when we had a bit more time. So I accepted, and I even made it clear that I wanted nothing with him other than a friendship. I didn't want to date him or anything else. I just wanted to tell him how I felt. So we agreed to talk later.
Then came 'The Talk'.
He called me that night at about 10 pm, and we began the conversation like any other conversation we'd had, like 'What's up?', 'How was work?', you know, just the usual, and then I asked what he wanted to talk about, and he began by saying that he didn't like guys, which I understood, I mean I didn't expect him to just date me, you know? So after that he said that he didn't think that It'd be wise for me to pursue him, he told me that if I continued to pursue him that he'd have to kick me out of his church, because in the bible it said that homo/bisexuality was a sin, and that it was condemned. I started getting defensive, because it was my only weapon, I started to try to stand up for what I believed in, but he continued by reading verses and all theses things to me from the bible and telling me how my lifestyle was wrong, and how I should get healing for my illness. He even compared my sexuality to an alcohol addiction, and a flat tire, and how I should get my tire fixed, because it's what everyone does, they fill up their tires so their cars will be functional, my car being my life. So I tried explaining to him that for starters I wasn't going to conform to some ideal just because some book said I should, how it's retarded not to be your own person, and even reiterated how I didn't want anything with him, and how I was just telling him how I felt so he'd know, but he was relentless, he continued to bash my lifestyle, and continued to bash me as a person, and even said that I couldn't be a Christian, or believe in god if I was bisexual, and at that instant, I began to cry. So he just hung up.
I mean I knew where he was coming from, it is a sin, but like I said, I can't help who I fall for. He said it's controllable, but, to be honest, the mind and heart, I feel, are conjoined and they can think as one, and they think in mysterious ways. I can't tell my heart how to act, because then I'd be lying to myself, and I've done that too many times before. Which is why I cried that whole day, and many days after that. I didn't eat for all those days, either. By the following Monday I'd lost around 10 pounds, and my eyes were so tired from crying that they were swollen, I couldn't go on, and people began to notice, and that was the last thing I wanted. So, I closed myself from other people.
Things went slow that Monday, and I really needed to talk to someone, because I felt that if I let this get to me any more, I'd do something stupid. So, I decided to tell my closest friends, Tasha, Kodee and Jake, about the whole experience and how I felt, because I knew they'd all support me, they'd be my crying shoulders, and they'd be there for me. Even if I just wanted to talk at 3 am, and that helped me a lot.
That Tuesday after I got home from Choir practice for the yearly revue I was a bit sad, because I'd seen Joel, and he'd tried to be all buddy-buddy, and that just made things worse, so I just felt drained. I got on to check my email and he began to sign in and out every 2 seconds. It happened a lot. It went on for about half an hour until finally I called him and asked him what his problem was, he laughed and said he didn't know, that I should tell him, so I asked him to stop signing in and out of WLM, and he laughed, saying that he knew nothing about it. Which was a complete lie. So I hung up, but he continued to do that, so I figured out that he was actually blocking me and unblocking me so his toast would show up. So I fought fire with fire, and when I blocked him he stayed on for about an hour. I unblocked him, figuring he'd stop and he started again.
So a couple days went by, and even though I still liked him a lot, I felt horrible during the practices for the Revue. Then that Thursday he began to do the same thing, he'd block me and unblock me until I finally began talking to him, and I asked him if he could please stop, and leave me alone. So he has the nerve to tell me that he found it very amusing that it annoyed me. So I told him to stop annoying me, that he'd already hurt me a lot, that he was the one who kicked me out of his church, and had basically thrown me out of his life, so even though I still liked him, that if he could just leave me alone. So he said that I didn't get it, he said, 'Number ONE: I said that u could not call urself a christian and live THAT lifestyle!!! I GAVE U SCRIPTURAL PROOF!!! btw, if u were not willing to change and accept healing, then its MY job to kick u out and tell u to not come back until u wanted to CHANGE!!! there werent any "mixed" feelings, i treated u like i treat EVERYBODY else.' And I asked him who he thought he was to be in charge of what I'm supposed to do, and he replied by saying that he wasn't, the bible was, because according to him the bible is the law. So I told him that there's nothing wrong with my lifestyle, love is just love, it's like geez, just let me be, and he said I had no idea what I was talking about, that I'd like to think that, but it's wrong, and I'm wrong, that it was wrong back then, it's wrong now, and it will always be wrong, and if I chose to be that way, then I'm going to end up in hell with all the homosexuals, sinners, rapists, and killers. I told him that what he was saying was hurtful, and that he had no right to say that. I believe in god, I believe he is my father in heaven and that Jesus is my savior. So he replied by saying, 'btw i could care less who u want to be, ur not my responsibility, i was just telling u how its going to be and how the WORD of GOD says it will be, i dont care if u believe me or not, its your life ur screwing up.' So I told him that how can he be so cold hearted, and evil, it's just a history book after all, it's not really proven, by either side that it's real or fake, and I also told him that it was him who was screwing his life up by being so evil. So, of course he replied by saying, 'hahahaha how long did it take you to come up with that load of ?? hmm maybe u came up with it when ur where trying to come up with something that would make u feel better inside:D', and I just lost it, all those emotions I had hit me at once. I started to cry like a babbling idiot. So I just told him, 'If I would like to know how the world of God according to Joel, and some book, thinks about me, I'll ask you. But until then, please leave me alone. I am not asking for repentance, and you are no one to tell me otherwise.' and he asked if I thought that, then why don't I just leave him alone. Which was totally ludicrous, I mean, I was the one who just wanted to be left alone, it was just ridiculous what he was saying. I told him that I'd never been hurt that much by anyone in a long time. So he told me, 'yes u have and that why ur living like u are, and believing the things that u believe, u NEED healing, u dont know whats got control over u, it sure isnt yourself, and u kno it so stop crying, be a man, and suck it up.' So by that point I was just letting out tear after tear after painful tear, and my eyes were burning from how much I'd cried, it was just painful what he was doing to me. I replied by saying, 'I tried to be nice, I tried to be the bigger person, to not let you get to you. My aunt was actually going to donate over a half a million dollars for that damn church, because I told her how awesome it was, and how amazing you were, she was glad that, finally, someone and a church had actually accepted me not for who I was, but for what I believed, and not judged me. She was going to donate over half a million dollars for that Phase 3 thing you guys are so amped about!' I even gave him my tie when his broke that same day during the Revue practice, and he said, 'lol i never judged u adex, u told me who u were, and i told what the bible says about it, it's wrong, how can that hurt? i'm telling u the truht.' So I explained to him how I trusted him, how I actually opened myself to him, something I couldn't easily do. 'i gave u life giving wisdom, i didnt hate u for it, i didnt judge you, if i hated u, i never would have told u nething.' was what he said after that. It hurt a lot. I mean it's hard for me to open myself up to someone and like them, but also to trust them was just even harder. He then said that I couldn't call myself a Christian if I wasn't at a constant state of change, and he signed off.
I cried the following day, but tried to hide it, I couldn't show weakness, because if he knew I was weak, then he'd know he'd won another battle. I thought I'd finished dealing with him, but then the following Thursday we texted each other after the Revue. I finally got the courage to tell him that I was willing to give up everything for him, and I meant it, and I still do, I'd give up everything for him, everything. Even for just a fraction of a millisecond to live in a world where it wouldn't matter if it was wrong, in a world where we could be together. So he called me, and he asked what he was suppose to do about that. What did I expect him to do. I didn't know what he meant by that, so I explained to him that what he did was very hurtful. It just seemed endless how much I talked. I basically repeated everything I'd already said, from not wanting a relationship or anything, to how I'd truly give up everything to be with him, because they're all just material things. He told me he couldn't accept me as a friend because I was bisexual, but then he went on to say that he couldn't accept my sin, but he didn't reject me... Now, is it just me and Kodee who think that, what he said seemed a bit weird? I mean what was he saying? It sounded like such an oxymoron. Did he even know what he was saying? I understand what he said, but Kodee made me realize that he was kind of admitting that he felt the same way but he was telling me all this, because he realized that he felt the same way about me, but he knew that was wrong, so by telling me all this, he's making himself feel better, and maybe if I fell out of like with him then he wouldn't feel so bad about what he was feeling. Which in way made sense, but it still hurt, I mean why would someone do that? He said how he didn't think that life was all about just being nice and caring for other people's feelings, but then every now and then he'd ask me why I'd give up everything, if he wasn't special, because according to him and the bible, no one is special, but I told him he was; to me. He asked if there was anything he could do or say that would make me not like him, because the bible aside, what I was doing was gross. I responded by saying that there was nothing he could ever do or say that would ever make me stop liking him, that even through all he'd put me through I still liked him. 'Why?' he asked, over and over again, and the I told him the answer was simple. I told him, that even though I said he was a horrible person, I still thought he was nice. That somewhere in there was the person I fell in love with, and that's where it hit me, I loved him, but I didn't tell him that, I just continued explaining to him why I liked him so much, and how I just wanted to be friends. He said that friends aren't people who just accept you all willy nilly, friends are suppose to make you realize when you're doing something wrong, and make you be a better person, and that it's good to surround yourself with people who only teach you to be a better person. I told him he was wrong, I told him that a friend was someone who accepted you no matter what, a friend is someone who will be there for you whenever you them, and a friend is someone who will cry with you because of the stupidest things, and smile when you whenever you're at your highest. He then said that I had no idea what I was talking about, and that if we truly had cared about my aunt, and that if my parents actually cared about me, they'd try to heal me, and that I must not care about my aunt because I didn't try and save her or heal her. So, I asked him to stop. That he was not just being rude, but he was really hurting me, and he started laughing. He said to get over it, that life wasn't about being all nice to each other and caring for other people's feelings, because a lawyer wouldn't let the rapist go if he felt bad for him, and that left me aghast, I mean, seriously, what the hell?!?! Why was he being like this? I finally decided that I had to go to sleep, it was 3 am, for Christs' sake. So, the conversation ended with him just completely saying that he never wanted to be my friend, ever again, unless I got healing, and him repeating how gross it was. I asked if he could be the person who 'gave me healing', and he answered no. That it would defeat the purpose, so I told him that I didn't want healing. He laughed again, he said that in that case I was lying, because then I wouldn't truly give up everything for him, so I just started crying even harder. He said that he'd never give me an apology because he thought it'd be hypocritical about it, and he hung up. I cried until about lunch the next day, trying to just understand why people were like that. Trying to understand how someone can just go into someones life and just screw everything up, and how I was done trying to be strong, so I just let my tears go, and everyone took notice at school.
I mean I'm not going to be a wuss about it, I do take responsibility for parts of it, and no, I don't think all Christians are like that, I'm not going to let one person distort my view of a whole group of people, I'm not that judgmental.
So I began opening up to my friends, and they were all on my side. They were so great about it, and it really helped me with this whole situation. I would much rather have a shoulder to cry on, than someone who would try to 'heal me of my illness.' He called me again, to tell me to stop talking shit about him, and start telling the truth. What, saying that he rejected me because I'm bi is lying? Apparently is is, according to him he rejected my sin, not me. Okay... Sure... That's so different. But whatever. I'm tired of all this, I'm tired of crying, and it hurts to know that I still love him.
But, I'm done. I still love him, yea, but once this subsides, which I hope is soon, I vow to never like anyone again, it's too damn painful, it's too depressing. I'd rather go through life with friends then worrying about someone who might not return those feelings. I'm going back to DefCon 1, emotionally wise, no one is coming into my heart, and I'm never opening myself up to anyone ever again. I'm screwed up for life, all because of one person, and it sucks, but it's just something I have to do. I've realized that I'll never truly be happy with another human being, and I'll never have a significant other.
If you read all this, now you know everything, and hopefully you'll never have to go through any of this, because it sucks guys, it really does. I haven't cried this much ever over someone.
I hope your lives are so much better.
Love,
Adex
P.s. My best friend in the whole universe, Tasha, wrote this, so as a final thought ala Jerry Springer, I leave you with: The Definition of Love...
'Love is mutual understanding, respect, trust, passion and acceptance between two people that care deeply about one another.
Love is when you would sacrifice yourself for the other, when you intend to spend your life with them, when every day without them feels like a year.
Love is feeling the comfort, security and warmth of being snuggled under the covers at home on a rainy day and feeling the thrill, tingles, and excitement of jumping off a cliff into icy waters all at the same time.
Love is when you can't explain your feelings but you recognize them anyways as what they are.' - Tasha