Time to Shift
So a few months ago, my counselor (let's face it, she's a therapist, I'm trying to downplay it so it sounds less depressing...) told me that I should consider writing in a journal because it can help get the feels out. So even though everyone who used to read this is long gone, and there may be one person reading it but if he's too busy to talk to me half the time he's probably too busy to come here, I'm reviving it to give her idea a shot (I gotta try one of them I figure, I pay enough...)
To give a background on why this came about - I lost my job at Christmas, the only job I've ever had that I LOVED everything about, and a little over a month later my boyfriend, the only person I've ever LOVED everything about, dumped me and sent me into a downward spiral that saw me crumpled up in a ball on the floor, tears streaming from my face, crying out as if I had been shot or stabbed a million times on more than one occasion over the past 3 months or so. To top it off, in my terrible mental state, I made a rash decision to flip career paths and took a job as a Project Manager and have come to find out, it's really not for me. Now I'm stuck in this position for the foreseeable future as my searching for a new one has come up completely empty. Oh, and I hate my bug infested apt and can't find anywhere to move to. Now that we got that out in the open...
The past few months have been very roller coaster with my emotions. I'll be doing OK, never particularly happy, but I do not have any expectations for that for a while anyway given everything that's happened and have had some good times meeting friends out for drinks and whatnot, but then I will have these days where I free fall into the darkest depths of despair and all I can do is sleep and cry. I don't eat for days and it makes me really sick, but I don't care because maybe I'll die and the pain (emotional and physical) will be gone. I'll be with my dad again, who I miss SO much and would be a huge help right now. I'll have these dreams of my now ex-boyfriend - some we'll be super happy living our lives together and others I'm talking to him and he's just standing there with that blank look on his face, sometimes he says something nasty to me and other times just stands there and ignores me, both equally hurtful and I wake up crying and can't go back to sleep (or don't want to). Sometimes it has nothing to do with him or work either, it can be something so small as a friend not talking to me when I really want them to (which is basically all the time) and just feeling very lonely or whatever. All that I know is that something needs to change, but I don't know what and I don't know how. And so begins the struggle...
My current situation, when you look at it on paper, isn't so different from what it's been in the past. I have been alone, with a job I don't like, and no friends to really talk to or hang out with. It was essentially my first 2 years of college and the first 2 years after college. And I was content with my life. But falling in love with someone, spending 3 years of your life with them, fully expecting to spend the rest of your life with them (and this is not some delusion of mine, like many things are, it's things we talked about and took steps towards making a reality) changes everything. I was finally truly happy, something I can't really say about any part of my life (at least as far back as I can remember, which surprisingly isn't that far). I felt on top of the world, especially when I also got the promotion to the job I had so desperately wanted my entire career. It's like someone pulled the rug out from under me and my perfect world came crashing down around me. That's a hard thing to recover from.
So to keep this short (because it's already practically a memoir of just the last 5 months of my life), I've been working on a few things the past couple months, that I won't go into detail on, to try and change my situation and get back to at least the contentness (is that a word? Is now...) I had prior to all this. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed and I basically take it one minute at a time. But the fact I can say to you right now, that something needs to change and I'm going to figure out how to do that, is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Fact is though that I've said it before several times and fallen back down, given up, etc. The key is that I eventually get back up, and as hard as that is, I'm going keep on doing it because it's all I can do.
To give a background on why this came about - I lost my job at Christmas, the only job I've ever had that I LOVED everything about, and a little over a month later my boyfriend, the only person I've ever LOVED everything about, dumped me and sent me into a downward spiral that saw me crumpled up in a ball on the floor, tears streaming from my face, crying out as if I had been shot or stabbed a million times on more than one occasion over the past 3 months or so. To top it off, in my terrible mental state, I made a rash decision to flip career paths and took a job as a Project Manager and have come to find out, it's really not for me. Now I'm stuck in this position for the foreseeable future as my searching for a new one has come up completely empty. Oh, and I hate my bug infested apt and can't find anywhere to move to. Now that we got that out in the open...
The past few months have been very roller coaster with my emotions. I'll be doing OK, never particularly happy, but I do not have any expectations for that for a while anyway given everything that's happened and have had some good times meeting friends out for drinks and whatnot, but then I will have these days where I free fall into the darkest depths of despair and all I can do is sleep and cry. I don't eat for days and it makes me really sick, but I don't care because maybe I'll die and the pain (emotional and physical) will be gone. I'll be with my dad again, who I miss SO much and would be a huge help right now. I'll have these dreams of my now ex-boyfriend - some we'll be super happy living our lives together and others I'm talking to him and he's just standing there with that blank look on his face, sometimes he says something nasty to me and other times just stands there and ignores me, both equally hurtful and I wake up crying and can't go back to sleep (or don't want to). Sometimes it has nothing to do with him or work either, it can be something so small as a friend not talking to me when I really want them to (which is basically all the time) and just feeling very lonely or whatever. All that I know is that something needs to change, but I don't know what and I don't know how. And so begins the struggle...
My current situation, when you look at it on paper, isn't so different from what it's been in the past. I have been alone, with a job I don't like, and no friends to really talk to or hang out with. It was essentially my first 2 years of college and the first 2 years after college. And I was content with my life. But falling in love with someone, spending 3 years of your life with them, fully expecting to spend the rest of your life with them (and this is not some delusion of mine, like many things are, it's things we talked about and took steps towards making a reality) changes everything. I was finally truly happy, something I can't really say about any part of my life (at least as far back as I can remember, which surprisingly isn't that far). I felt on top of the world, especially when I also got the promotion to the job I had so desperately wanted my entire career. It's like someone pulled the rug out from under me and my perfect world came crashing down around me. That's a hard thing to recover from.
So to keep this short (because it's already practically a memoir of just the last 5 months of my life), I've been working on a few things the past couple months, that I won't go into detail on, to try and change my situation and get back to at least the contentness (is that a word? Is now...) I had prior to all this. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed and I basically take it one minute at a time. But the fact I can say to you right now, that something needs to change and I'm going to figure out how to do that, is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Fact is though that I've said it before several times and fallen back down, given up, etc. The key is that I eventually get back up, and as hard as that is, I'm going keep on doing it because it's all I can do.