I need someone to talk to
I know most people don't read this and my intention was to post it on a protected post in xanga. but xanga is down this morning. Can i blame it? it's pretty early on a sunday. I just need to get this off my chest.
anyway, i had a really fucked up dream last night/early this morning and it's got me thinking and worrying and just crying from the intense emotion from the dream.
I had gotten home from work and was about to head off to rehearsal/work again, i can't remember. I'm walking up an alley stairway that looks like my basement, there's a door at the top, and rooms along the side. The door opens, i hear a giggle and a girl, comes down. she has short brown hair, black glasses, and a small frame. Behind her alex comes walking down with a smile on his face. We make eye contact. I'm holding something small in my hands but i drop them to the snow covered ground when i see him. I turn to run (because i always run in my dreams) he catches hold of my sholders and turns me around.
"what's wrong?" he asks
i shake my head, "nothing"
"wait here" he then walks over to where this girl has walked through a door. I can't help just waiting and not seeing what's going on so i follow him. the girl is sitting on a matress on the ground looking up at him. "I gotta go" she gets up places her arms around him, "i love you" he says. the girl says, "no, i love YOU"
I run. but my legs are heavy. Alex saw me take off and is chasing me. I run up the steps out onto the snow covered street. It is Filled with people and stores and just...life. The further i run from him the busier it gets and the heavier my legs get. I can hear him calling out my name....my full name. I run until my legs won't let me move. The street is filled beyond capacity. Everything is crashing down around me. People are shouting. the sky is falling. I'm sobbing as i fall to my knees and into Alex's waiting arms. He's hold ing me, telling me it's going to be allright. He picks me up and carries me away from it all and i'm just crying. He's whispearing something too me but i can't hear him. Back on the snow covered lonesome street in his arms, i wake up.
The emotion in this dream was so intense. The sense of betrayal as i saw him with his arms around another girl, sense of triumph on her face, the sense of fear as everything around me fell apart and i was alone, i desire to stop running away from him and into his arms. The sound of urgency in his voice, the comfort of his arms. I just felt the whole thing which makes the dream so much worse.
I know, it's just a dream. It didnt' really happen. But it plays on my insecurities. You didn't feel what i did through out that whole thing. Just total...lost, abandoment, betrayal, fear, pain, anguish, desire. I felt his arms around me, i heard his voice.
I'm sorry. I have to get this off my chest or it will haunt me for the rest of the day, although i'm sure it will anyway. Even as the memory of this dream fades, the total emotion i felt still lingures.
It's not that i don't trust him, because i do. I don't know what sparked this dream. Maybe just the shear desire to have him with me always, whenever i need him, then seeing that he doesn't need me...or to hear "i love you" out of his mouth, unprovoked and unnessecary, to another person. i don't know. I'm just going on emotion here.
I'm sorry i'm clingy. I'm sorry i pretend to be stronger than i really am. I'm sorry i need you so badly right now, yet i'm terrified to call in tears because you have no idea what's going on in my head. I'm afarid to tell you, afraid that you'll get frightened away, not want to deal with me when i'm like this. I'm sorry...i'm sorry. I just need you. I always seem to need you. I'm scared...that you don't need me. That there's this other, mystery girl, who will be exactly what you want.
I want to call you, cry in your arms....but i have no idea over what.
anyway, i had a really fucked up dream last night/early this morning and it's got me thinking and worrying and just crying from the intense emotion from the dream.
I had gotten home from work and was about to head off to rehearsal/work again, i can't remember. I'm walking up an alley stairway that looks like my basement, there's a door at the top, and rooms along the side. The door opens, i hear a giggle and a girl, comes down. she has short brown hair, black glasses, and a small frame. Behind her alex comes walking down with a smile on his face. We make eye contact. I'm holding something small in my hands but i drop them to the snow covered ground when i see him. I turn to run (because i always run in my dreams) he catches hold of my sholders and turns me around.
"what's wrong?" he asks
i shake my head, "nothing"
"wait here" he then walks over to where this girl has walked through a door. I can't help just waiting and not seeing what's going on so i follow him. the girl is sitting on a matress on the ground looking up at him. "I gotta go" she gets up places her arms around him, "i love you" he says. the girl says, "no, i love YOU"
I run. but my legs are heavy. Alex saw me take off and is chasing me. I run up the steps out onto the snow covered street. It is Filled with people and stores and just...life. The further i run from him the busier it gets and the heavier my legs get. I can hear him calling out my name....my full name. I run until my legs won't let me move. The street is filled beyond capacity. Everything is crashing down around me. People are shouting. the sky is falling. I'm sobbing as i fall to my knees and into Alex's waiting arms. He's hold ing me, telling me it's going to be allright. He picks me up and carries me away from it all and i'm just crying. He's whispearing something too me but i can't hear him. Back on the snow covered lonesome street in his arms, i wake up.
The emotion in this dream was so intense. The sense of betrayal as i saw him with his arms around another girl, sense of triumph on her face, the sense of fear as everything around me fell apart and i was alone, i desire to stop running away from him and into his arms. The sound of urgency in his voice, the comfort of his arms. I just felt the whole thing which makes the dream so much worse.
I know, it's just a dream. It didnt' really happen. But it plays on my insecurities. You didn't feel what i did through out that whole thing. Just total...lost, abandoment, betrayal, fear, pain, anguish, desire. I felt his arms around me, i heard his voice.
I'm sorry. I have to get this off my chest or it will haunt me for the rest of the day, although i'm sure it will anyway. Even as the memory of this dream fades, the total emotion i felt still lingures.
It's not that i don't trust him, because i do. I don't know what sparked this dream. Maybe just the shear desire to have him with me always, whenever i need him, then seeing that he doesn't need me...or to hear "i love you" out of his mouth, unprovoked and unnessecary, to another person. i don't know. I'm just going on emotion here.
I'm sorry i'm clingy. I'm sorry i pretend to be stronger than i really am. I'm sorry i need you so badly right now, yet i'm terrified to call in tears because you have no idea what's going on in my head. I'm afarid to tell you, afraid that you'll get frightened away, not want to deal with me when i'm like this. I'm sorry...i'm sorry. I just need you. I always seem to need you. I'm scared...that you don't need me. That there's this other, mystery girl, who will be exactly what you want.
I want to call you, cry in your arms....but i have no idea over what.