Beginends
So, it's a few days less than a month til I leave for Europe, and I'm stoked and a bit nervous and just uber excited as well. I think most of the purchases to be ready for the trip are about done. Am hold off on some last minutey items just cause I'm not 100% sure I need them (as in they'd be useful, but I probably can make do w/o them, and don't really feel that I want to spend the money on them)
Will be getting my hair cut (finally!!!) on the 26th :) New hairstylist, which will be very weird as i've had heidi since i was in high school @.@ But i feel good about mindi. Julia's hair (which is curly like mine) looked uber cute and she told me mindi's is curly and she likes cutting curly hair. This all makes me feel good about it. That and hopefully this will hide some of the grey :) (I'm down with grey; it can be very cool, but honestly, i'm not even 30. I'm not ready for grey hair. especially since i can't even use the excuses that spousal form or children have made my hair turn grey ;) ) I will likely chicken out and not have much cut, but I'd like to have some reshaping done, it's looking a little limp at the crown.
Oh, side note: aidan and I aren't speaking/chatting at all any more. Theoretically we're leaving email channels open, but I'm not inclined to email, and I'm assuming he won't be either. Can't imagine it really. What's strangest to me is that I thought I'd miss him more than I do. I do miss him now and then, it's odd that we won't be discussing mid-east politics or a movie, but being friends wasn't working well. He felt like he was hurting rebecca, and I felt like he wasn't being a friend to me anyway. it basically came down to me saying that I felt we should be able to get together while i'm over in the UK... He hedged alot, I think because he was afraid of hurting rebecca. My feeling was that it wasn't about their relationship, which i consider fixed and firm, but about me seeing a friend.
In any case, the upshot was that I felt that his not wanting to see me pretty much meant that the "friendship" really wasn't much of one. I get sad at the odd time, or angry (which comes soon after being sad... I think this is pretty normal), but it's just fine. I felt at the last that it was hard to believe him; if i was some wonderful person then theoretically i'd be someone he'd want to hang out with. That and how can you give internet hugs to someone that you refuse to see? (maybe it's just me. If i hug someone in am IM or a chan, it's cause I'd have hugged you in person as well.) I don't want to be vituperative, but I was upset, even though I know mistakes fell on my side as well as his. I didn't want to stop speaking, but he did, and surprisingly I've done better than I thought I would with it.
It's been odd knowing he's out of my life completely, but somehow, there's also a sense of freedom. (the oddest thing: I was more angry at him than at her. I could fully understand how she might not like us meeting up, but she said she'd accept it. he's the one who copped out. In the end I felt that she was the strong one and he was being wishy-washy.) I am sure that the two of them will both succeed individually and they will succeed together. I don't think that my feelings have changed in regard to that. I still do wish them the best, and think good things will happen for them. I am far more worried about things for me, and that, perhaps, is how it should be. I think I'm going into a selfish time, and that's probably excatly what it should be insofar as I need to figure more of myself out.
Anyway, it's been a bit since all that happened, and I figured I'd just note it in here. I've marked a good bit of time in this journal, and it was fitting that I add it. Unlike other posts where i've cried typing it all out, I haven't this time. It is what it is, and what it is, is in the past. I probably should say it's about forgiveness, but it's not. It's just about saying that part of the book is over, and I'm done with it. Time for a new chapter.
Will be getting my hair cut (finally!!!) on the 26th :) New hairstylist, which will be very weird as i've had heidi since i was in high school @.@ But i feel good about mindi. Julia's hair (which is curly like mine) looked uber cute and she told me mindi's is curly and she likes cutting curly hair. This all makes me feel good about it. That and hopefully this will hide some of the grey :) (I'm down with grey; it can be very cool, but honestly, i'm not even 30. I'm not ready for grey hair. especially since i can't even use the excuses that spousal form or children have made my hair turn grey ;) ) I will likely chicken out and not have much cut, but I'd like to have some reshaping done, it's looking a little limp at the crown.
Oh, side note: aidan and I aren't speaking/chatting at all any more. Theoretically we're leaving email channels open, but I'm not inclined to email, and I'm assuming he won't be either. Can't imagine it really. What's strangest to me is that I thought I'd miss him more than I do. I do miss him now and then, it's odd that we won't be discussing mid-east politics or a movie, but being friends wasn't working well. He felt like he was hurting rebecca, and I felt like he wasn't being a friend to me anyway. it basically came down to me saying that I felt we should be able to get together while i'm over in the UK... He hedged alot, I think because he was afraid of hurting rebecca. My feeling was that it wasn't about their relationship, which i consider fixed and firm, but about me seeing a friend.
In any case, the upshot was that I felt that his not wanting to see me pretty much meant that the "friendship" really wasn't much of one. I get sad at the odd time, or angry (which comes soon after being sad... I think this is pretty normal), but it's just fine. I felt at the last that it was hard to believe him; if i was some wonderful person then theoretically i'd be someone he'd want to hang out with. That and how can you give internet hugs to someone that you refuse to see? (maybe it's just me. If i hug someone in am IM or a chan, it's cause I'd have hugged you in person as well.) I don't want to be vituperative, but I was upset, even though I know mistakes fell on my side as well as his. I didn't want to stop speaking, but he did, and surprisingly I've done better than I thought I would with it.
It's been odd knowing he's out of my life completely, but somehow, there's also a sense of freedom. (the oddest thing: I was more angry at him than at her. I could fully understand how she might not like us meeting up, but she said she'd accept it. he's the one who copped out. In the end I felt that she was the strong one and he was being wishy-washy.) I am sure that the two of them will both succeed individually and they will succeed together. I don't think that my feelings have changed in regard to that. I still do wish them the best, and think good things will happen for them. I am far more worried about things for me, and that, perhaps, is how it should be. I think I'm going into a selfish time, and that's probably excatly what it should be insofar as I need to figure more of myself out.
Anyway, it's been a bit since all that happened, and I figured I'd just note it in here. I've marked a good bit of time in this journal, and it was fitting that I add it. Unlike other posts where i've cried typing it all out, I haven't this time. It is what it is, and what it is, is in the past. I probably should say it's about forgiveness, but it's not. It's just about saying that part of the book is over, and I'm done with it. Time for a new chapter.