(no subject)
Today I don't feel like I possess the capacity to be as big as my world needs me to be. I am stuck in old habits or ways of life that have never been condusive to providing nor facilitating the life that I actually want. I don't want to do the things i'm inclined to, not the instinctive things. Not the running, not the hiding, not the sleeping. That the world might be as out-of-sight, out-of-mind as I, I might disappear from sight.
Except the will and need to live and see the things I haven't, be the things i'm not, weighs more heavily than the gut feeling to run a hundred, a thousand miles from where my body stands now.
You'd think when I started this an hour ago before class, I'd abandon or cut it off and pay attention. Usually I would. I'd let it go and say why does it matter? I wrote a song when I was 11 and that line was part of the chorus, why does it matter. Only I guess it matters enough to me to open my mouth some days, silly as I feel, sickeningly self-indulgent as it feels.
I drew a stupid picture today and didn't show it. I should probably do that and follow through with something I wanted badly to.
Except the will and need to live and see the things I haven't, be the things i'm not, weighs more heavily than the gut feeling to run a hundred, a thousand miles from where my body stands now.
You'd think when I started this an hour ago before class, I'd abandon or cut it off and pay attention. Usually I would. I'd let it go and say why does it matter? I wrote a song when I was 11 and that line was part of the chorus, why does it matter. Only I guess it matters enough to me to open my mouth some days, silly as I feel, sickeningly self-indulgent as it feels.
I drew a stupid picture today and didn't show it. I should probably do that and follow through with something I wanted badly to.