Lack of sleep is on my heels
I want to say
busy busy busy
but then I try to think of all the things I've done
am doing, and it doesn't seem like enough to justify
that initial holler.
Things have just been weighty.
That seems more appropriate.
The moving business of the room mates is coming down to the wire.
They need to be moved in by Sundays' evening and their place is still
helter skelter. no packing done etc etc.
Derick is sure it won't be a problem. Ever the optimistic one.
He and Maya finished painting their room last night.
A glorious cactus green, makes me feel like doing the
photosynthesis. Or at least living a more simple life like a plant.
I spent 4 hours attacking the kitchen with all manner of cleaning supplies and elbow grease
It is half way done.
I've had to deal with waking up to raccoons in my bedroom
Chasing said rodents around the abode with a broom in my knickers
and eyeing Murphy, trying to deduce if that feline look on his face is of amusement
or bewilderment.
I bought him a cigar the other day from Boubah's pet store
Filled with catnip. It looks like a large turd laying around my bedroom floor
but Jesus does he love his fix.
I'm forcing myself not to give into the convenience that is Devon.
All I'm doing is feeding my lonliness, but pretending that I'm not by telling myself
that this set up is all I need. I need to actually figure out what it is that I think I want and try for that instead.
Rather than taking what is so easily there.
Plus I really have been feeling rather asexual the last little while. When I really think about the handful of interactions
I've had with people, I have never been really into it, past the point of 'ooo, I'm doing the sex thing!'
Which is probably why sex has always been more of a chore for me. And that statement is wretched so must be rectified.
I also keep finding that my mind drifts onto thoughts of Levi and what it is that I really gave up
Or let pass by, or missed out on, whatever.
I did miss out on something that could have been really really truly wonderful with her.
But the problem is, it would have never reached that level of beauty because I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.
I only missed out because of me, not because of her, or my hesitating over actually being in a relationship with a girl.
It was simply me and my blurred view on what it means and feels like and takes to surround myself with a person on such a personal level.
I can always make myself think that I am with people, whether it's friends or more, but then memories like her, and what could have been, jar me back to the fact that I have an extremely skewed vision, to the point of blindness over these sorts of things.
I am also becoming increasinly flustered over the fact that I
rarely like the things that have come under my personal responsibility
(work and the like.)
But I can't muster up the motivation to do, or even start the things I want to do.
I also need to decide between bike riding, as a full and permanent mode of transportation, and smoking
I can't have both. I want the bike riding more, but I need to really force myself to make the change.
Holloween is soon. Finally. Two more weeks and I can lop off the excess atop my head.
Which will then become my beard for my costume.
busy busy busy
but then I try to think of all the things I've done
am doing, and it doesn't seem like enough to justify
that initial holler.
Things have just been weighty.
That seems more appropriate.
The moving business of the room mates is coming down to the wire.
They need to be moved in by Sundays' evening and their place is still
helter skelter. no packing done etc etc.
Derick is sure it won't be a problem. Ever the optimistic one.
He and Maya finished painting their room last night.
A glorious cactus green, makes me feel like doing the
photosynthesis. Or at least living a more simple life like a plant.
I spent 4 hours attacking the kitchen with all manner of cleaning supplies and elbow grease
It is half way done.
I've had to deal with waking up to raccoons in my bedroom
Chasing said rodents around the abode with a broom in my knickers
and eyeing Murphy, trying to deduce if that feline look on his face is of amusement
or bewilderment.
I bought him a cigar the other day from Boubah's pet store
Filled with catnip. It looks like a large turd laying around my bedroom floor
but Jesus does he love his fix.
I'm forcing myself not to give into the convenience that is Devon.
All I'm doing is feeding my lonliness, but pretending that I'm not by telling myself
that this set up is all I need. I need to actually figure out what it is that I think I want and try for that instead.
Rather than taking what is so easily there.
Plus I really have been feeling rather asexual the last little while. When I really think about the handful of interactions
I've had with people, I have never been really into it, past the point of 'ooo, I'm doing the sex thing!'
Which is probably why sex has always been more of a chore for me. And that statement is wretched so must be rectified.
I also keep finding that my mind drifts onto thoughts of Levi and what it is that I really gave up
Or let pass by, or missed out on, whatever.
I did miss out on something that could have been really really truly wonderful with her.
But the problem is, it would have never reached that level of beauty because I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.
I only missed out because of me, not because of her, or my hesitating over actually being in a relationship with a girl.
It was simply me and my blurred view on what it means and feels like and takes to surround myself with a person on such a personal level.
I can always make myself think that I am with people, whether it's friends or more, but then memories like her, and what could have been, jar me back to the fact that I have an extremely skewed vision, to the point of blindness over these sorts of things.
I am also becoming increasinly flustered over the fact that I
rarely like the things that have come under my personal responsibility
(work and the like.)
But I can't muster up the motivation to do, or even start the things I want to do.
I also need to decide between bike riding, as a full and permanent mode of transportation, and smoking
I can't have both. I want the bike riding more, but I need to really force myself to make the change.
Holloween is soon. Finally. Two more weeks and I can lop off the excess atop my head.
Which will then become my beard for my costume.