20 words
Title:20 words
Pairing: xingdae
I got 20 words on my mind
All because of you
Word 1 is Smithereens
To describe the state of my heart when you’re not here. When I see pictures where your lips smiles sunshine and I know that I won’t be the cause of that smile anymore. When I stroll down to the harbour and the sight of a couple laughing together makes me realise that you’re not mine.
Not anymore.
Word 2 is Call
Because Luhan is calling.
Tao is calling
Kris is calling.
They all want to hear my voice, ask me what I am doing, how I am feeling and what I am doing with my life. I send them a message so they won’t come banging on my door, so they will know that I am alive and not worry too much.
They worry anyway and I can’t blame them. I am not doing anything. I am feeling nothing but numb pain throbbing through my veins.
Still I won’t answer their calls.
Because the only voice I want to hear is yours. I want to hear your voice flowing through the speakers like saccharine and soothe all my worries until they are gone. Smooth down all the cracks and spaces between the Smithereens until they melt together and I’m whole again.
But you’re not calling.
And you’re not answering my calls.
Word 3 is Tiredness
For that is what I started to see in your eyes when I forgot our meet ups and dates over and over again with my only excuse being that I got lost painting. And when I forgot to pay the bills because I got lost painting. And when I forced you to sit still even though you were busy because I wanted to paint on your skin until it suddenly was 4am in the morning. The paint took hours to wash away and you got nearly no sleep before you had class. Still you only looked tired when I sulked over that you washed my masterpiece away just for school. You didn't even look mad. You never look mad or annoyed or amused anymore. Just tired.
And I should have understood.
Word 4 is Longing
Because I can’t breathe anymore. You’re everywhere all the time and I don’t understand how that works because you’re gone. You left. You’re not here anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever get fully used to that.
Word 5 is 30%
We were happy. We were so happy, so perfect for such a long time. I never saw any problems in the beginning. I thought you could deal with me, that I had found a person that didn’t lash out on me or screamed at me that I wasn’t good enough. That I had found someone that loved me enough to see past all my flaws.
I was 30% right.
You never screamed at me, never lashed out or called me useless. But maybe it would have been better if you did. Maybe anger would have been better than tiredness and then coldness, maybe anger was what we really need.
Because being 30% right wasn’t enough.
I didn’t see the problems approaching until they were right in front of me. Didn’t see the storm coming before I heard the thunder above my head.
And now I am standing in the rain
Watching as the city we built crumble to ashes.
Word 6 is Paint
Because even though it was what destroyed us, that is all I can do now. I see colours and art and paintings sparkling behind my eyelids when I close my eyes and I spend every hour of every day and almost every night trying to figure out which painting would show you how much you've crushed me, how much I need you back and how much I have changed to something better for you. I stroke my paint brushes over the white canvases and make them come to life. Strokes melancholy and morose sparks colours into art and breathes my ideas into life.
And then I stare at the painting and wishes that you were here.
Word 7 is Empty
Because that is what I feel as my painting skyrockets in cost and critics pour compliments all over my works until they shine in fame. That's the only word on my mind as I walk through the art gallery. It's enormous and all I’ve ever dreamt of. All the paintings are made by me and everyone there recognises me and loves my paintings. And love me.
And I feel empty.
I get asked out frequently these days Jongdae. By boys and girls alike. By artists just like me that won't wash of my masterpieces. That will understand me and be happy with who I am even if I miss every single one of our dates. They’d still love me to bits and swoon over my art because they are like me and they would understand.
But I don't want them Jongdae.
I want you.
Word 8 is Surprise
That’s what I see in your eyes as they meet mine across the huge ballroom. You didn't know that your new boyfriend loved my paintings like you used to love me did you Jongdae? You knew that he liked art I’m sure but I bet you could never even dream that someone as filthy rich as your new boy toy would ever come across my paintings did you? Or that he would like them. And it never even crossed your mind that he could invite me to this party, did it? Of course it didn't. I wonder
Do I ever even cross your mind anymore?
Word 9 is Silence
Because that's all that I can hear between us when your boyfriend has forced you over to introduce us. "Yes hi Joonmyun, and hi Jongdae I think we have met before haven’t we?Yes, I used to fuck you, do you remember?" But I can't say that because your eyes are begging me not to cause a scene. And I would never say no if you asked me anything.
"I am glad you like my paintings Joonmyun, even honoured. You know you could get them all if you gave me back my muse" But I can't say the last part can I? Jongdae.
Word 10 is Recognizing
Because I recognize the look in his eyes as he looks at you. I used to look at you in the same way. Why is his eyes any better? Why can he keep you when I couldn’t? Is it because they're loaded? Well guess what Jongdae I'm loaded now as well so you could quit playing and come back.
Word 11 is Drowning
Because he's going to drown you with all his business trips and work and wouldn't it be better to drown in my madness instead? I swear to a thousand gods I don’t believe in that I would take good care of you. We could drown together, we could be smiling at the bottom of the sea.
I could be happy without air as long as you are there.
So if you’re going to drown can’t you drown with me?
Because I’m sure as hell already drowning and I’m sure as hell not smiling.
Word 12 is Saturday
Because that's the day it was when you sat down beside my painting and cried. Cried because you're going to bed alone and waking up alone. Because you eat your dinner staring at my empty seat and watch a movie feeling the coldness of my absence.
"It feels like you're dead" You whispered. “And I wonder when you started to prefer getting lost in paintings instead of my eyes”
I didn’t know what to say. You poured out your feelings on the living room floor and they splattered up on the walls and on the piano and on my painting. They left spots there that I can still see. Spots that takes over my existence. Sentences and thoughts that stand written proud on my walls long after you said them. They keep me up until I am too tired to think of anything but these 20 words on repeat in my mind.
And your plane back to Korea was leaving in a week
Word 13 is Marvellous
Because I never thought that it would make me sad to hear you call me that.
I got one week. One week to put together my shattered self and figure out what to say to make you stay. Lost and confused I tried to explain that I’m not good at words.
“No” You would say as I tried to explain over and over again during that week. “You’re not good with feelings Lay. Words you’re marvellous at”
“You’re marvellous at words” You said as we stood in the living room. You were packing the boxes with your stuff and I was unpacking them. “And you’re marvellous at painting”
“And you look marvellous” You said and traced your finger down my nose. “More beautiful than anyone else.”
“And you’re marvellous at kissing” You panted, your lips swollen and I kissed you again to shut you up because it hurt.
“And you’re marvellous at this” You moaned as I thrust into you over and over again.
“You are marvellous Yixing, extraordinary” You whispered as we lay side by side the last night, post-sex buzz destroyed by the empty void eating me up. “But marvellous is not enough anymore.”
"I will kill myself if you leave" I told you. "I will never pick up a paint brush again if you stay.”
We were standing in the hallway, both holding the last box with your stuff. Xiumin and Luhan were waiting for you in their car. They had helped you move out. Luhan had been somewhat empathetic for me. Xiumin had been stone cold.
"You're lying Yixing" You whispered without sheading a tear.
Then you jerked the box away from me, closed the door and left.
Word 14 is Plane
Because the plane to Korea left with you. And left me all alone in china
Word 15 is Lied
Because I did. I can't kill myself or stop to paint, because it is equally as impossible. And maybe I am still holding on to the hope that one day you will wake up and realise that marvellous was enough. That I did still prefer getting lost in your eyes, that you will always be my one and only and that I need you back.
Even though I lied.
Word 16 is Misery.
For when I sit on the living room floor at midnight amongst your splattered and dried and gone emotions, pretending that the stars are comforting in their shine because they shine almost as bright as your smile. I look out of the window, searching for something else than misery to keep me company as the hours tick by. My latest masterpiece is lying beside me.
It’s you
Painted by the eyes of a lover
Because stars in the night sky are not enough when you’ve held the sun.
Word 17 is Breakfast
Because that's what you're eating now that I see you again. You're in the hotel lobby, slowly eating your strawberry as you stare outside the window. You're alone. You're eyes are bright.
Until I sit down.
Then they turn clouded and your entire body turns tense. You ask me to leave before I have spoken a word. I ask you how you can think that a marriage is a good idea while your eyes are still reflecting regret every time we meet.
You answer that your regret over me has nothing to do with your current love. I say that it has everything to do with everything because it’s an emotion that’s still directed at me. Because you still feel things for me.
“Well I’m not feeling good things” you snap at me. “And that emotion isn’t love and it’s time you understand that.”
I whisper that I don’t understand. I whisper that I never will. I say that all my paintings are for you and that Joonmyun isn’t good enough for you.
You say that you don’t want my paintings. That I was never good for you either.
Then you stand up and leave. Your half eaten breakfast still lying on the table and the word “breakfast” repeating in my brain over and over again to keep me sane.
Word 18 is Chock
Joonmyun is so chocked when he sees the painting. So are you. I watch you from afar, dressed up as no one recognizable since I am supposedly in Europe at the moment. The two of you stare at the painting as you put the puzzle pieces together. The ones around you are doing the same, people looking from the painting to you and then back to the painting- gasping at the resemblance.
Joonmyun turns to you slowly, searching for an answer in your eyes but you aren’t looking at him. You’re staring at the painting, your mouth a thin line.
For a moment I think you’re going to cry. Or scream. You don’t like the painting that much is clear. Even though everyone else is marvelling at it, exclaiming that it’s a masterpiece.
A true resemblance of how someone truly, desperately in love sees their lover.
You have read the articles by the art critics. I know because I sent them all to you. Because clearly these art critics sees something you don’t, clearly they understand the true value of my love better than you do.
“Is there an explanation for this?” Joonmyun mumbles. I placed a small microphone near the painting so I can hear your reaction as if I could stand close to you even though I need to sit hidden at a distance.
Because I am currently supposed to be in Paris and you would close up all emotions if you saw me now.
“We were together” You say, voice cold. “And I left and it seems he still likes to haunt me. Even though I said goodbye four years ago.”
“How long?” Joonmyun asks, voice equally as cold and you turn to look at him with a frown.
“Does it matter? Does he matter? I don’t care anymore, I want him to leave me alone and that’s it”
“Oh really? Because that painting looks awfully a lot like he thinks you matter and I think you have known about his feelings for a long time but still haven’t told me. I think that means that you still care a fucking lot” Joonmyun bites back, words hard and you glare at him as you totally break.
“He spent more time painting than looking at me.” You mutters lowly, eyes shining. “I spent 2 years loving a guy that looked more at white canvases than me. I learnt Chinese and how to bake for him. I gave up singing for him and went to an engineering program just because the university was close to his apartment. I said goodbye to my family, neglected my friends and overworked myself to pay our bills so that he could paint even though it meant that he never looked up from his paintings. I ripped apart every part of me and tried to replace it to something that would look good for eyes that wasn’t even glancing in my direction. I don’t care what this painting means to the rest of you but it doesn’t mean love. Because he never loved me. And I have ripped apart the last part of me there was to take away. My feelings for him. So I apologize if I didn’t feel like talking about it.”
I realise that you’re staring straight into my eyes. That you knew all along that I was here and that my disguise isn’t working on you. Joonmyun tries to follow your gaze but he sees nothing, he doesn’t recognize me. Even as your eyes are burning wholes into mine.
Then you turn around and leave.
Word 19 is Love
I don’t love you? I never did? Are you sure?
Because I am pretty fucking sure no fucking feeling can hurt this much except love. You said yourself that I was bad with feelings and well I was. I was fucking worthless at expressing my feelings for you but I have changed and I am better and I love you and this hurts.
This hurts Jongdae.
I can’t breathe. I am dying. The 20 words you left me with are spinning around my mind like a broken record, consuming every other thought. Every light I had is burning out, every star on my sky disappearing. I am drowning in the darkest of seas and freezing to death in the middle of Antarctica. I am digging my own grave and I am begging you please stop me.
But you’re not.
You’re not going to stop me from sealing my own coffin are you?
Jongdae.
Word 20 is Ring
Because you're still getting married. And it's not to me.
Pairing: xingdae
I got 20 words on my mind
All because of you
Word 1 is Smithereens
To describe the state of my heart when you’re not here. When I see pictures where your lips smiles sunshine and I know that I won’t be the cause of that smile anymore. When I stroll down to the harbour and the sight of a couple laughing together makes me realise that you’re not mine.
Not anymore.
Word 2 is Call
Because Luhan is calling.
Tao is calling
Kris is calling.
They all want to hear my voice, ask me what I am doing, how I am feeling and what I am doing with my life. I send them a message so they won’t come banging on my door, so they will know that I am alive and not worry too much.
They worry anyway and I can’t blame them. I am not doing anything. I am feeling nothing but numb pain throbbing through my veins.
Still I won’t answer their calls.
Because the only voice I want to hear is yours. I want to hear your voice flowing through the speakers like saccharine and soothe all my worries until they are gone. Smooth down all the cracks and spaces between the Smithereens until they melt together and I’m whole again.
But you’re not calling.
And you’re not answering my calls.
Word 3 is Tiredness
For that is what I started to see in your eyes when I forgot our meet ups and dates over and over again with my only excuse being that I got lost painting. And when I forgot to pay the bills because I got lost painting. And when I forced you to sit still even though you were busy because I wanted to paint on your skin until it suddenly was 4am in the morning. The paint took hours to wash away and you got nearly no sleep before you had class. Still you only looked tired when I sulked over that you washed my masterpiece away just for school. You didn't even look mad. You never look mad or annoyed or amused anymore. Just tired.
And I should have understood.
Word 4 is Longing
Because I can’t breathe anymore. You’re everywhere all the time and I don’t understand how that works because you’re gone. You left. You’re not here anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever get fully used to that.
Word 5 is 30%
We were happy. We were so happy, so perfect for such a long time. I never saw any problems in the beginning. I thought you could deal with me, that I had found a person that didn’t lash out on me or screamed at me that I wasn’t good enough. That I had found someone that loved me enough to see past all my flaws.
I was 30% right.
You never screamed at me, never lashed out or called me useless. But maybe it would have been better if you did. Maybe anger would have been better than tiredness and then coldness, maybe anger was what we really need.
Because being 30% right wasn’t enough.
I didn’t see the problems approaching until they were right in front of me. Didn’t see the storm coming before I heard the thunder above my head.
And now I am standing in the rain
Watching as the city we built crumble to ashes.
Word 6 is Paint
Because even though it was what destroyed us, that is all I can do now. I see colours and art and paintings sparkling behind my eyelids when I close my eyes and I spend every hour of every day and almost every night trying to figure out which painting would show you how much you've crushed me, how much I need you back and how much I have changed to something better for you. I stroke my paint brushes over the white canvases and make them come to life. Strokes melancholy and morose sparks colours into art and breathes my ideas into life.
And then I stare at the painting and wishes that you were here.
Word 7 is Empty
Because that is what I feel as my painting skyrockets in cost and critics pour compliments all over my works until they shine in fame. That's the only word on my mind as I walk through the art gallery. It's enormous and all I’ve ever dreamt of. All the paintings are made by me and everyone there recognises me and loves my paintings. And love me.
And I feel empty.
I get asked out frequently these days Jongdae. By boys and girls alike. By artists just like me that won't wash of my masterpieces. That will understand me and be happy with who I am even if I miss every single one of our dates. They’d still love me to bits and swoon over my art because they are like me and they would understand.
But I don't want them Jongdae.
I want you.
Word 8 is Surprise
That’s what I see in your eyes as they meet mine across the huge ballroom. You didn't know that your new boyfriend loved my paintings like you used to love me did you Jongdae? You knew that he liked art I’m sure but I bet you could never even dream that someone as filthy rich as your new boy toy would ever come across my paintings did you? Or that he would like them. And it never even crossed your mind that he could invite me to this party, did it? Of course it didn't. I wonder
Do I ever even cross your mind anymore?
Word 9 is Silence
Because that's all that I can hear between us when your boyfriend has forced you over to introduce us. "Yes hi Joonmyun, and hi Jongdae I think we have met before haven’t we?Yes, I used to fuck you, do you remember?" But I can't say that because your eyes are begging me not to cause a scene. And I would never say no if you asked me anything.
"I am glad you like my paintings Joonmyun, even honoured. You know you could get them all if you gave me back my muse" But I can't say the last part can I? Jongdae.
Word 10 is Recognizing
Because I recognize the look in his eyes as he looks at you. I used to look at you in the same way. Why is his eyes any better? Why can he keep you when I couldn’t? Is it because they're loaded? Well guess what Jongdae I'm loaded now as well so you could quit playing and come back.
Word 11 is Drowning
Because he's going to drown you with all his business trips and work and wouldn't it be better to drown in my madness instead? I swear to a thousand gods I don’t believe in that I would take good care of you. We could drown together, we could be smiling at the bottom of the sea.
I could be happy without air as long as you are there.
So if you’re going to drown can’t you drown with me?
Because I’m sure as hell already drowning and I’m sure as hell not smiling.
Word 12 is Saturday
Because that's the day it was when you sat down beside my painting and cried. Cried because you're going to bed alone and waking up alone. Because you eat your dinner staring at my empty seat and watch a movie feeling the coldness of my absence.
"It feels like you're dead" You whispered. “And I wonder when you started to prefer getting lost in paintings instead of my eyes”
I didn’t know what to say. You poured out your feelings on the living room floor and they splattered up on the walls and on the piano and on my painting. They left spots there that I can still see. Spots that takes over my existence. Sentences and thoughts that stand written proud on my walls long after you said them. They keep me up until I am too tired to think of anything but these 20 words on repeat in my mind.
And your plane back to Korea was leaving in a week
Word 13 is Marvellous
Because I never thought that it would make me sad to hear you call me that.
I got one week. One week to put together my shattered self and figure out what to say to make you stay. Lost and confused I tried to explain that I’m not good at words.
“No” You would say as I tried to explain over and over again during that week. “You’re not good with feelings Lay. Words you’re marvellous at”
“You’re marvellous at words” You said as we stood in the living room. You were packing the boxes with your stuff and I was unpacking them. “And you’re marvellous at painting”
“And you look marvellous” You said and traced your finger down my nose. “More beautiful than anyone else.”
“And you’re marvellous at kissing” You panted, your lips swollen and I kissed you again to shut you up because it hurt.
“And you’re marvellous at this” You moaned as I thrust into you over and over again.
“You are marvellous Yixing, extraordinary” You whispered as we lay side by side the last night, post-sex buzz destroyed by the empty void eating me up. “But marvellous is not enough anymore.”
"I will kill myself if you leave" I told you. "I will never pick up a paint brush again if you stay.”
We were standing in the hallway, both holding the last box with your stuff. Xiumin and Luhan were waiting for you in their car. They had helped you move out. Luhan had been somewhat empathetic for me. Xiumin had been stone cold.
"You're lying Yixing" You whispered without sheading a tear.
Then you jerked the box away from me, closed the door and left.
Word 14 is Plane
Because the plane to Korea left with you. And left me all alone in china
Word 15 is Lied
Because I did. I can't kill myself or stop to paint, because it is equally as impossible. And maybe I am still holding on to the hope that one day you will wake up and realise that marvellous was enough. That I did still prefer getting lost in your eyes, that you will always be my one and only and that I need you back.
Even though I lied.
Word 16 is Misery.
For when I sit on the living room floor at midnight amongst your splattered and dried and gone emotions, pretending that the stars are comforting in their shine because they shine almost as bright as your smile. I look out of the window, searching for something else than misery to keep me company as the hours tick by. My latest masterpiece is lying beside me.
It’s you
Painted by the eyes of a lover
Because stars in the night sky are not enough when you’ve held the sun.
Word 17 is Breakfast
Because that's what you're eating now that I see you again. You're in the hotel lobby, slowly eating your strawberry as you stare outside the window. You're alone. You're eyes are bright.
Until I sit down.
Then they turn clouded and your entire body turns tense. You ask me to leave before I have spoken a word. I ask you how you can think that a marriage is a good idea while your eyes are still reflecting regret every time we meet.
You answer that your regret over me has nothing to do with your current love. I say that it has everything to do with everything because it’s an emotion that’s still directed at me. Because you still feel things for me.
“Well I’m not feeling good things” you snap at me. “And that emotion isn’t love and it’s time you understand that.”
I whisper that I don’t understand. I whisper that I never will. I say that all my paintings are for you and that Joonmyun isn’t good enough for you.
You say that you don’t want my paintings. That I was never good for you either.
Then you stand up and leave. Your half eaten breakfast still lying on the table and the word “breakfast” repeating in my brain over and over again to keep me sane.
Word 18 is Chock
Joonmyun is so chocked when he sees the painting. So are you. I watch you from afar, dressed up as no one recognizable since I am supposedly in Europe at the moment. The two of you stare at the painting as you put the puzzle pieces together. The ones around you are doing the same, people looking from the painting to you and then back to the painting- gasping at the resemblance.
Joonmyun turns to you slowly, searching for an answer in your eyes but you aren’t looking at him. You’re staring at the painting, your mouth a thin line.
For a moment I think you’re going to cry. Or scream. You don’t like the painting that much is clear. Even though everyone else is marvelling at it, exclaiming that it’s a masterpiece.
A true resemblance of how someone truly, desperately in love sees their lover.
You have read the articles by the art critics. I know because I sent them all to you. Because clearly these art critics sees something you don’t, clearly they understand the true value of my love better than you do.
“Is there an explanation for this?” Joonmyun mumbles. I placed a small microphone near the painting so I can hear your reaction as if I could stand close to you even though I need to sit hidden at a distance.
Because I am currently supposed to be in Paris and you would close up all emotions if you saw me now.
“We were together” You say, voice cold. “And I left and it seems he still likes to haunt me. Even though I said goodbye four years ago.”
“How long?” Joonmyun asks, voice equally as cold and you turn to look at him with a frown.
“Does it matter? Does he matter? I don’t care anymore, I want him to leave me alone and that’s it”
“Oh really? Because that painting looks awfully a lot like he thinks you matter and I think you have known about his feelings for a long time but still haven’t told me. I think that means that you still care a fucking lot” Joonmyun bites back, words hard and you glare at him as you totally break.
“He spent more time painting than looking at me.” You mutters lowly, eyes shining. “I spent 2 years loving a guy that looked more at white canvases than me. I learnt Chinese and how to bake for him. I gave up singing for him and went to an engineering program just because the university was close to his apartment. I said goodbye to my family, neglected my friends and overworked myself to pay our bills so that he could paint even though it meant that he never looked up from his paintings. I ripped apart every part of me and tried to replace it to something that would look good for eyes that wasn’t even glancing in my direction. I don’t care what this painting means to the rest of you but it doesn’t mean love. Because he never loved me. And I have ripped apart the last part of me there was to take away. My feelings for him. So I apologize if I didn’t feel like talking about it.”
I realise that you’re staring straight into my eyes. That you knew all along that I was here and that my disguise isn’t working on you. Joonmyun tries to follow your gaze but he sees nothing, he doesn’t recognize me. Even as your eyes are burning wholes into mine.
Then you turn around and leave.
Word 19 is Love
I don’t love you? I never did? Are you sure?
Because I am pretty fucking sure no fucking feeling can hurt this much except love. You said yourself that I was bad with feelings and well I was. I was fucking worthless at expressing my feelings for you but I have changed and I am better and I love you and this hurts.
This hurts Jongdae.
I can’t breathe. I am dying. The 20 words you left me with are spinning around my mind like a broken record, consuming every other thought. Every light I had is burning out, every star on my sky disappearing. I am drowning in the darkest of seas and freezing to death in the middle of Antarctica. I am digging my own grave and I am begging you please stop me.
But you’re not.
You’re not going to stop me from sealing my own coffin are you?
Jongdae.
Word 20 is Ring
Because you're still getting married. And it's not to me.