*Gasp!*
Been a long time for an update... strangely enough, soooo much has been going on, but I felt like I had nothing to say.
Truth is, within the last year, my world went from pretty content and stable for the situations that were... to becoming near apocalyptic and catastrophic in a matter of weeks to months. Job after job, and much love loss... lives that left such an impact. This summer has been a sort of recovery mode with a few highs, but many more low-lows... and it's been difficult to keep an optimistic and determined mindset.
Something did scare me about myself along those lines... During the summer, I had moments where things seemed as though things were turning around, and in those moments, I was genuinely fine, or at least better. In between those moments though, I kept my optimistic skin, but inside I felt a somewhat darker, distructive, out-of-control spiral.. anything but settled or content. The few people I did talk to knew the superficial stuff, the obvious problems that occasionally surface. The thickness of that skin and my mix of emotions has had it's complicated concoctions in the past 3 months in varying toxicity.
Finally... *finally* I'm feeling it melt away. It's slow but I'm starting to notice it, as I'd realized while reflecting out loud to one of my closest friends, just last night. I'm done trying to figure out why the most perfect of situations didn't resolve into the most perfect of ends... and why ... just why anything. There truly is absolutely no reason why things have to be or go as they are, as far as a personal life is concerned, with your own decisions. Things take time, and in some cases working towards... but it takes the want and initiative. I've got it.
Strange to say, I'm just waiting to use that drive. Right now I'm caught up in a very liberating feeling. There's a ton of choices to be made, but with no rush or pressure, I'm milling around in the middle and enjoying floating from one muse to the next. I have not one, but many in fact.
An I'm not even talking about love. While it's been a somewhat central conflict of my life in the past few months, it's not what I'm about right now, for anyone else. I'd lost the love for me, for several reasons, but it's growing again, I'm self defining again, and my loves and muses are bright. How else can I put this... I am and have been living in some complicated situations, and I'm venturing away from being holed into it, and making it a smaller part of my life... my life is out there *waves to the distance*
I'm painting my life with shades of rock and jazz and ... green, minus the envy. I've got my music--though not playing any myself, my life's soundtrack is calming and smooth and full of energy. I'm not saying my life is the most perfect of perfect, just that I'm happy. I've still got some climbing to do before I'm feeling "perfect." Maybe I'm not meant to feel that way... but goodness am I feeling lighter, better, and stronger. My only goal is... "better" and I don't know what that means yet, and don't much care. It's okay to say "I just don't know," right? I don't have all the answers to what I want for much of anything right now... but "better" is a constantly changing and growing definition, for every aspect of life. I'm going with the push and pull of the influences in my life as it interests me, and I like it. My job is the only thing tying me down, I'm hard to keep track of, I know, and not sure what city you'll find me popping up in next to visit or when... But! that is the liberty of life as it is right now, and I am truly in love with it.
*exhale*
Truth is, within the last year, my world went from pretty content and stable for the situations that were... to becoming near apocalyptic and catastrophic in a matter of weeks to months. Job after job, and much love loss... lives that left such an impact. This summer has been a sort of recovery mode with a few highs, but many more low-lows... and it's been difficult to keep an optimistic and determined mindset.
Something did scare me about myself along those lines... During the summer, I had moments where things seemed as though things were turning around, and in those moments, I was genuinely fine, or at least better. In between those moments though, I kept my optimistic skin, but inside I felt a somewhat darker, distructive, out-of-control spiral.. anything but settled or content. The few people I did talk to knew the superficial stuff, the obvious problems that occasionally surface. The thickness of that skin and my mix of emotions has had it's complicated concoctions in the past 3 months in varying toxicity.
Finally... *finally* I'm feeling it melt away. It's slow but I'm starting to notice it, as I'd realized while reflecting out loud to one of my closest friends, just last night. I'm done trying to figure out why the most perfect of situations didn't resolve into the most perfect of ends... and why ... just why anything. There truly is absolutely no reason why things have to be or go as they are, as far as a personal life is concerned, with your own decisions. Things take time, and in some cases working towards... but it takes the want and initiative. I've got it.
Strange to say, I'm just waiting to use that drive. Right now I'm caught up in a very liberating feeling. There's a ton of choices to be made, but with no rush or pressure, I'm milling around in the middle and enjoying floating from one muse to the next. I have not one, but many in fact.
An I'm not even talking about love. While it's been a somewhat central conflict of my life in the past few months, it's not what I'm about right now, for anyone else. I'd lost the love for me, for several reasons, but it's growing again, I'm self defining again, and my loves and muses are bright. How else can I put this... I am and have been living in some complicated situations, and I'm venturing away from being holed into it, and making it a smaller part of my life... my life is out there *waves to the distance*
I'm painting my life with shades of rock and jazz and ... green, minus the envy. I've got my music--though not playing any myself, my life's soundtrack is calming and smooth and full of energy. I'm not saying my life is the most perfect of perfect, just that I'm happy. I've still got some climbing to do before I'm feeling "perfect." Maybe I'm not meant to feel that way... but goodness am I feeling lighter, better, and stronger. My only goal is... "better" and I don't know what that means yet, and don't much care. It's okay to say "I just don't know," right? I don't have all the answers to what I want for much of anything right now... but "better" is a constantly changing and growing definition, for every aspect of life. I'm going with the push and pull of the influences in my life as it interests me, and I like it. My job is the only thing tying me down, I'm hard to keep track of, I know, and not sure what city you'll find me popping up in next to visit or when... But! that is the liberty of life as it is right now, and I am truly in love with it.
*exhale*