Contemplations
So much has happened recently, some good, most bad... especially in the last two weeks.
This fall has felt sorta blah, been so busy that what relationships might have become something went by the way side... I felt myself fairly cold and not caring all too much. I'd set myself up to not expect much as it was, so there was little to lose. At least from my end... other people, they may have yet to learn that what you put into it is likely to be what will be returned. I don't think I had felt so detached and... not careless, but so... intentless (i suppose) in such a long time, if ever.
I have gone through most of the fall feeling content... but in a very odd way. Yeah, when people saw me I was usually smiling and in a decent mood, but I haven't been overly happy. Even at times I've felt like there's so much going on that I might buckle, but I took a lot of comfort in the free time I'd taken, and kept my sanity that way. A few startling things happened... a few revived sparks from the past. They came at quite a surprise and taken with reservation... one in particular had my mind reeling for days it was so unexpected. When asked "what now" I knew, and hated the fact, that I wouldn't let myself go back; the situation just didn't allow for it. Not in a way that I could be capable of being truely happy. I'm not sure what tugged at me more, finally seeing what I'd wanted to see for all the time I was looking for it patiently, or just seeing the intensity that only seems to surface after the realization hits of why things ended to start.
Beh, I know I sound somewhat cryptic, but I also respect those feelings of who I know (and think) might read this from time to time. Do know I really care. I always have, and always will.
Now, I'm fulfilling the prophecy. Come the new month, November, I'm starting a new page in the chapter of college life. I'm in a position to take a chance with my heart again... and think I just make take it. It's nothing astronomical or life changing, but I've started smiling more, felt more relaxed than I have in the past weeks. It's not for a lightened work load, that's for sure. But someone's got me smiling aside from all the chaos these months have brought me.
Recently my heart took a heavy blow... A friend of mine died. He wasn't my closest friend in the world, but he made quite an impact on me when I met him right up until I found out about his death. The first time I got to meet him him person, he had me in stitches, laughing so hard. We shared several common interests, he's an awesome artist, was learning Japanese and managed to get over there before I did, but thoughtfully brought me something back ^_^ The blow was that someone so young, full of life and humor could be gone so instantly. He stole a sweet part of all of our hearts for all of his strengths and faults.
It's difficult to accept that our appreciation for certain aspects of life renew once they're taken away. Love, friends, perspectives, innocence. There's a cruel reality to loss, and it can only be learned for real when it's irreversible. Death is one of those things I'd not had to deal with yet, not when it comes to my peers. Then you realize what it is that needs to change about you, about your life. I've learned and tried to stick to a few things. Let myself do, but not force myself; don't take for granted littler things that make me smile, open my eyes to things that I might never get to see if I don't look... Things don't have to "be" right now, the fun lies mostly in getting there, and learning the lessons along the way, both good and bad. Don't push away things that scare me for senseless reasons... Learning to let go, doesn't mean to not acknoledge or ignore the past, but accepting, breathing it in, and taking it as a stepping stone to where are... which stone will you jump to next is the new task at hand.
That Wednesday night, I sat in the office where I work, and I put in my earphones, and let myself draw while I waited. I reflected on the news about Taher... for the first night, I didn't cry much, though I felt I wanted to. I had muses at that point, I drew what I felt. I'd gotten a new sketchbook a while before, it had a blank cover. I drew how Taher made me feel as a friend. The image on the cover is a girl smiling, like she's caught laughing. I'll hold onto that feeling about him. That night I went to the diner for a short while and I surrounded myself with a few people that lift me up for one reason or another, a reach out to those I don't see as often as I would like.
I come in and out of touch with friends, and while I find myself often to be quite busy, I try to keep a balance between the groups that exist. In phases is how they seem to come and go, based more on how accessible and what level of tention exsists within the group. There's no ideal way to see everyone, with distance, schedules, and tention... I'm not about to start to try to piece together a wish that couldn't ever come true. Ya know... People sometimes say that the truest friends are the ones that area always there for you, the ones that stay closest. Maybe some of them, just aren't given the right opportunity to keep that closeness.
Now I really do want to make a few ammends with myself... I've sorta denied myself the chances to draw and become absorbed in my music like I used to. Whenever you realize you're off the path, what better time to find your way back, ね？ I'm definitely starting to move somewhere good in life. Hey, I've started to "ny0" again in passing... that's gotta mean something good.
=^_^= がんばりましょ！
~~~~~~
To clear something up, my last post wasn't a sad one, more of a declaration of sorts. I felt determined to clarify my own thoughts and convictions, and sometimes it takes writing out, just to stare at it for a while and react.
Oh, and no more yelling at me for a while, I've updated! Just ignore the spelling. I really don't care. My journal.
This fall has felt sorta blah, been so busy that what relationships might have become something went by the way side... I felt myself fairly cold and not caring all too much. I'd set myself up to not expect much as it was, so there was little to lose. At least from my end... other people, they may have yet to learn that what you put into it is likely to be what will be returned. I don't think I had felt so detached and... not careless, but so... intentless (i suppose) in such a long time, if ever.
I have gone through most of the fall feeling content... but in a very odd way. Yeah, when people saw me I was usually smiling and in a decent mood, but I haven't been overly happy. Even at times I've felt like there's so much going on that I might buckle, but I took a lot of comfort in the free time I'd taken, and kept my sanity that way. A few startling things happened... a few revived sparks from the past. They came at quite a surprise and taken with reservation... one in particular had my mind reeling for days it was so unexpected. When asked "what now" I knew, and hated the fact, that I wouldn't let myself go back; the situation just didn't allow for it. Not in a way that I could be capable of being truely happy. I'm not sure what tugged at me more, finally seeing what I'd wanted to see for all the time I was looking for it patiently, or just seeing the intensity that only seems to surface after the realization hits of why things ended to start.
Beh, I know I sound somewhat cryptic, but I also respect those feelings of who I know (and think) might read this from time to time. Do know I really care. I always have, and always will.
Now, I'm fulfilling the prophecy. Come the new month, November, I'm starting a new page in the chapter of college life. I'm in a position to take a chance with my heart again... and think I just make take it. It's nothing astronomical or life changing, but I've started smiling more, felt more relaxed than I have in the past weeks. It's not for a lightened work load, that's for sure. But someone's got me smiling aside from all the chaos these months have brought me.
Recently my heart took a heavy blow... A friend of mine died. He wasn't my closest friend in the world, but he made quite an impact on me when I met him right up until I found out about his death. The first time I got to meet him him person, he had me in stitches, laughing so hard. We shared several common interests, he's an awesome artist, was learning Japanese and managed to get over there before I did, but thoughtfully brought me something back ^_^ The blow was that someone so young, full of life and humor could be gone so instantly. He stole a sweet part of all of our hearts for all of his strengths and faults.
It's difficult to accept that our appreciation for certain aspects of life renew once they're taken away. Love, friends, perspectives, innocence. There's a cruel reality to loss, and it can only be learned for real when it's irreversible. Death is one of those things I'd not had to deal with yet, not when it comes to my peers. Then you realize what it is that needs to change about you, about your life. I've learned and tried to stick to a few things. Let myself do, but not force myself; don't take for granted littler things that make me smile, open my eyes to things that I might never get to see if I don't look... Things don't have to "be" right now, the fun lies mostly in getting there, and learning the lessons along the way, both good and bad. Don't push away things that scare me for senseless reasons... Learning to let go, doesn't mean to not acknoledge or ignore the past, but accepting, breathing it in, and taking it as a stepping stone to where are... which stone will you jump to next is the new task at hand.
That Wednesday night, I sat in the office where I work, and I put in my earphones, and let myself draw while I waited. I reflected on the news about Taher... for the first night, I didn't cry much, though I felt I wanted to. I had muses at that point, I drew what I felt. I'd gotten a new sketchbook a while before, it had a blank cover. I drew how Taher made me feel as a friend. The image on the cover is a girl smiling, like she's caught laughing. I'll hold onto that feeling about him. That night I went to the diner for a short while and I surrounded myself with a few people that lift me up for one reason or another, a reach out to those I don't see as often as I would like.
I come in and out of touch with friends, and while I find myself often to be quite busy, I try to keep a balance between the groups that exist. In phases is how they seem to come and go, based more on how accessible and what level of tention exsists within the group. There's no ideal way to see everyone, with distance, schedules, and tention... I'm not about to start to try to piece together a wish that couldn't ever come true. Ya know... People sometimes say that the truest friends are the ones that area always there for you, the ones that stay closest. Maybe some of them, just aren't given the right opportunity to keep that closeness.
Now I really do want to make a few ammends with myself... I've sorta denied myself the chances to draw and become absorbed in my music like I used to. Whenever you realize you're off the path, what better time to find your way back, ね？ I'm definitely starting to move somewhere good in life. Hey, I've started to "ny0" again in passing... that's gotta mean something good.
=^_^= がんばりましょ！
~~~~~~
To clear something up, my last post wasn't a sad one, more of a declaration of sorts. I felt determined to clarify my own thoughts and convictions, and sometimes it takes writing out, just to stare at it for a while and react.
Oh, and no more yelling at me for a while, I've updated! Just ignore the spelling. I really don't care. My journal.