please allow me to introduce myself.

[adelaide129]

i worked at a tex-mex restaurant up in litchfield. i was a busgirl, and my mother was a waitress. i remember one of my first nights working there;i was having some difficulty. it was during the dinner rush, and i couldn't get the food to the customers at the bar fast enough so the bartender picked up my slack. at one point i was bagging a delivery

Comments

Response

[jyellen]

Hello Sara! This is a heartbreaking story. I really do not know you very well at all, but as far as I can tell, at least in the places I see you, you do not come off as "the ape flinging shit to get more attention" and that may just be a shame (Well, maybe if that is what you really were I'd say something different, but you have never come off to me as someone flinging yourself here and there to capture a look, if you know what I mean). But, now that I am reading what you are expressing here I am wondering if you are the opposite of what you are calling yourself? What if I asked you what kind of attention do you want? Is their an endpoint to the attention? Is there something specific within you that you want acknowledged outside of you? There is a persistent struggle, I think, in everyone in making "them-self" coherent, if that makes sense. Some do it better then others, I myself am no good at it, and it's for reasons that are probably not far different from yours. Well, I guess I could not say I am sure that that is what you are struggling with. But obviously, if you have been crushed and crushed again by hurtful words coming from a source that hold the type of significance of a mother, I could not blame you for compressing yourself within. I think everyone knows that everyone wants attention, but there is a conflict, we--those outside of you--cannot know what kind of attention you want, and there is, for me, a fear of imposing unwanted attention--the wrong kind--onto another. Anyway, I am not sure if any of this makes sense, I am honestly trying to be careful because I do not know you that well, so feel free to not answer these questions, these are just the thoughts I got while reading your post. But, of course, if you want to discuss this further I am more then willing to listen and respond to the best of my ability.

Warm regards,
Jason Yellen

Re: Response

[adelaide129]

Hello Jason! what i find most fascinating about your comment is your carefulness. that is so very appreciated, and i think it's most wise of you to be gentle when so many others lack tact.
i too wonder what kind of attention i want. i think it's important for me to be recognized as a creative force, since i have thus far felt destructive and unhelpful. i would like to be acknowledged as a writer, because the simple fact is that i have talent and it's my calling. for my friends to vastly ignore that, even after i've expressed a sadness...it's difficult for me to continue to put my thoughts and words out there with no positive reinforcement, and it's difficult for me to stop allowing the opinions of others to have so much weight in my world.
i think really what i would love above all is to be deeply loved and accepted for exactly who i am. what luxury! however, it's very rare that i feel comfortable enough with another human being to allow them to see me entirely, and so they may love me but it's never all of me, or they may give up on me not having seen the best parts. david siffert loves me, and i know it, and that is a wildly good feeling; especially since it's all platonic and in very little risk of decaying. but it's something i don't feel like i've ever experienced before and i do feel that his love and patience gives me strength and happiness. i suppose what i'm saying is, i would like to give that amount of love to someone, and i would love to recreate that love in a thousand friendships. i am on a most serious quest to become the best person i can be, and given my....flamboyant....nature, i can't help but incorporate delusions of grandeur with that. i want great things, truly great things. so again, talking about the attention i'm asking for, i have to admit that i feel so deeply selfish sometimes. i feel like a hypocrite and a heel for asking to be so good, to have so much. i feel that the more i understand of the world, the less i want to be involved and the more i'd like to change or leave. but i feel some absurd responsibility to fix things and teach others. it's all very abstract and imagined.

haha i'm babbling. my apologies. hope to see you soon!
xoxo
sara

Re: Response

[jyellen]

Well, I guess, in a sense, you can only be loved for as much as you can make coherent, correct? Like you are known for what you can articulate--verbally and non-verbally. Better said, you are known for what you do more than what you are because self-definitions are tricky, if not impossible. I think. We change depending on where and who we are with. And those are elements of you too, even if within you don't mean it, it still becomes you---which can cause immense conflicts... Anyway, I have met many creative people that were/are deeply destructive. So, I guess it depends on the rest of you, and also what you create. I do not know you well enough to understand what makes you so destructive, so I won't agree or disagree. But, one thing I will say, if you want to be a writer, you should pursue it, despite your friends. What kinds of things do you think about writing? You already have a unique voice in writing, I guess it is just a matter of figuring out the best way of using it. I think there is a danger in what you wrote, however. If writing gnaws in you and you do not do it, I think that is a way of being destructive. For example, I am obsessed with writing. My closest friend does not read. But when I am around and am feeling discouraged or the writing is not coming outwards, I can kill any kind of positivity because I am compressing a certain joy within and that works it way out to him even if he does not read what i write. So, I guess there is a different audience for different things, but if you are passionate about something you should pursue it, because that is all you, yourself, have. It is not selfish to want attention. For me when I think of selfish, it is something that borders violence. Like, if you purposely work to undermine those around you for your own practical means, thereby hurting others, that is selfish. I don't get that from your words. All this you are writing about love, it is a beautiful thought, truly. But if you do not allow it to leak from you in the form you believe it should come in, it won't be here. And maybe that is selfish. We live in a perpetually imperfect world that will always need to be corrected. I think the best thing to do is to try and take the form you think is best for it. But perhaps I am also just "babbling."

Anyway, I read no babbles in your response, so I will not accept your apology.

Warm regards,
Jason