(no subject)
dear max,
this has been surprisingly difficult for me to write, since i've not tried to write in months, but i've been full of thought and feeling and i wanted to share this with you.
this past spring, we were walking down a street in annapolis and you said you were hungry. i had felt fine myself, but suddenly i could imagine your hunger; i could almost feel the pangs in my own stomach. you walked ahead of me and i watched you walk. i studied your shape and i thought about who you are. i imagined you as a child, as an old man. you seemed suddenly more real, almost to the point of becoming surreal. a phrase flashed through my mind, "i really love this person." i hadn't realized that i'd come to feel so close to you on those roadtrips. initially, you were david's crazy friend but i came to genuinely feel comfortable in your company. i found myself wanting to hear your ideas and stories. it startled me, that spring afternoon, to feel love in that way.
love is such a loaded word, and it's definition is something i've really been working on understanding. it's not remotely related to romance or lust, i think, but rather a selfless protection of another's freedom and happiness. love is not a phrase that i would use lightly, unless describing hello kitty merchandise of course, but i've been focused on sifting through my feelings and i know that i deeply love many people in my life. i also have come to realize that i don't always treat the people i love in the way i know they deserve to be treated. selflessness is fundamental to love, and i feel like i've been really selfish with you. i don't know everything about you and i won't pretend to, but i do understand that you've got some very demanding roles to fulfill in your life and i'm sorry if i've ever made you feel guilty for not being able to hang out so often. i'm a needy person; i thrive on attention and it's something i loathe about myself. i realized when thinking about our friendship that if i really love you, i shouldn't ask anything of you. i should love who you are without any need to partake in that experience. i don't want to ever be a source of stress in your life. so please know that i'm always here for you, and am forever looking forward to drinking beers in random bars with you. i think you're a truly incredible human being and i only want all the best things in the world for you.
love,
sara.
this has been surprisingly difficult for me to write, since i've not tried to write in months, but i've been full of thought and feeling and i wanted to share this with you.
this past spring, we were walking down a street in annapolis and you said you were hungry. i had felt fine myself, but suddenly i could imagine your hunger; i could almost feel the pangs in my own stomach. you walked ahead of me and i watched you walk. i studied your shape and i thought about who you are. i imagined you as a child, as an old man. you seemed suddenly more real, almost to the point of becoming surreal. a phrase flashed through my mind, "i really love this person." i hadn't realized that i'd come to feel so close to you on those roadtrips. initially, you were david's crazy friend but i came to genuinely feel comfortable in your company. i found myself wanting to hear your ideas and stories. it startled me, that spring afternoon, to feel love in that way.
love is such a loaded word, and it's definition is something i've really been working on understanding. it's not remotely related to romance or lust, i think, but rather a selfless protection of another's freedom and happiness. love is not a phrase that i would use lightly, unless describing hello kitty merchandise of course, but i've been focused on sifting through my feelings and i know that i deeply love many people in my life. i also have come to realize that i don't always treat the people i love in the way i know they deserve to be treated. selflessness is fundamental to love, and i feel like i've been really selfish with you. i don't know everything about you and i won't pretend to, but i do understand that you've got some very demanding roles to fulfill in your life and i'm sorry if i've ever made you feel guilty for not being able to hang out so often. i'm a needy person; i thrive on attention and it's something i loathe about myself. i realized when thinking about our friendship that if i really love you, i shouldn't ask anything of you. i should love who you are without any need to partake in that experience. i don't want to ever be a source of stress in your life. so please know that i'm always here for you, and am forever looking forward to drinking beers in random bars with you. i think you're a truly incredible human being and i only want all the best things in the world for you.
love,
sara.