(no subject)
i woke up early and walked to the deli for a breakfast sandwich. i made a pot of coffee, and drank some cranberry juice while i rolled a cigarette. i set up my two favorite blankets on the couch, rearranged the pillows for maximum comfort. i collected my various beverages and snacks, and made space for all this on the coffee table. i sat down on the couch, crossed my legs, and packed a bowl. this is my writer's preparation. of course, as soon as i get comfortable, i have to pee.
i have nothing to say. nothing of interest, at least. i'd like to whine about my mother, my roommates, my crush, my job, my inability to write. i'd like to write all these things down so i can think about them more clearly, organize the feelings associated with each subject. words aren't coming to me. it is harder than ever to articulate where my mind is. my teeth are distracting me with their sharp aching. i'm listening to ratatat and i can't tell if i enjoy it or not; it's just easy to listen to.
i am intimidated by the world. i don't truthfully believe that i have the spiritual or mental fortitude to navigate through life. not yet, at least. i don't understand these complex and dishonest adult systems. i don't understand how to make myself happy. i understand that it's my obligation to myself to find truth and create beauty, because that is how i will be the most deeply happy. i don't know how to make it happen. but i'll get there.
this is a strange middle ground for me; an incredibly uncomfortable goldilocks zone. goldilocks zone in the astronomical definition, as in the best distance from the sun where existence of life is possible. i have gotten far enough away from my sadness and anger that i could begin to create, but i feel no motivation or comfort here. i feel so much more confident in myself and who i am but i still need help.
i tried talking to nicole at work yesterday and instead vicky seemed far more interested in my problems and in offering advice. my sadness is hard for nicole to process, i think; i feel like since we've gotten closer and i've shared more of my crazy with her, she's lost respect for me. she says she admires my truthfulness and strength but she refuses to agree with me on anything, especially things work related. maybe it's coincidence that we don't agree on anything but it's so frustrating, sometimes even hurtful, that my opinion on cafe related things is consistently argued with.
my knee is finally back to normal and i'm glad that i'll be able to pull my own weight at work again instead of whining about aching. i hate not being able to help, and i think my injury has impacted people's professional opinion of me. it may only be a cafe, but i genuinely enjoy working hard and i'm proud of the good work that i do. i am by no means a model employee, but i show up and i know what i'm talking about. i pay attention because someday soon i will open my own cafe.
justin said something the other day along the lines of, "i'm not a barista, i'm a method actor". i feel that way, not as though i'm truly living but like i'm doing research for someone i will be someday. this feeling applies outside the cafe but the analogy is most direct there.
i admire david more than i could ever possibly say. sometimes when he speaks, his words step out in a confident stride and trample through ears with a ring of heartfelt truth. i wish i could do that. i am having a much more difficult time processing my feelings for him than i anticipated, but i am trying my absolute hardest to remember that logic reigns supreme [or at least, it should]. i remain totally unedited around him, which is a huge step for me and i'm proud of myself for not altering my being in a any way to impress this person. i want to be his friend, and i want to know him better, and i want him to genuinely know me. when i talk about this to my handful of trustworthy female friends, they say "that's good, that's really hard to do. when i like a guy, it's hard to not say you like the things he likes so you don't alienate him". i can see how i've molded myself previously to better facilitate the relationship. how small, silly, foolish. how wasteful! i am on a quest to be most completely myself, to be the most truthful person. the fact that i can comfortably be myself in front of someone i feel amorously for, well...yes, i do suppose that's something to be proud of.
days when i felt beautiful used to come as something of a shock. they didn't start until i was thirteen, when the Rapist moved out of house and i had the mole removed from my forehead. i didn't feel gorgeous until i dyed my hair blue, and i felt sexy when i shaved my head and had a mohawk. now with my long dark blue hair, i feel a more mature sense of beauty. it isn't a solely physical appreciation, but i'm really enjoying being myself. one night after closing the cafe, i skipped all the way to david's apartment. literally skipped down the street, nonstop, my battery running on pure joy for life. in spite of having been slightly down this past week, i am generally happy. i'm drinking water and washing my face a lot. there's an inherent freshness in those activities, i suppose, and it's translating all across my being. i've been writing in my journal every day, and planning for inferno's spring tour. i'm working with yula and the hive, helping to plan their debut art exhibition and i'm incredibly excited by the friends i'm making and the things i'm learning.
my feelings are only as important or debilitating as i allow them to be. when my anger seems overwhelming, i need to remember that holding it in is crippling and things need to be talked about to be resolved. anger isn't necessarily a base emotion; it usually comes from something else like fear or jealousy, and none of these are productive emotions. when lindsey wakes me up at eight in the morning by being loud, i'm not angry at my lack of sleep but rather that my friend isn't concerned about my happiness while i am very concerned about hers. that should be simple to talk about, but it isn't. at least, it hasn't been lately. i still have a lot to learn about using my words.
today, i'm hoping to write some more and maybe finish a craft. i also want to plan the inferno roadtrip and work out a budget for gas and car expenses. i want to see if there's anyway i can pay off this national grid bill and pay back my friends for money i borrowed last year. i need to look into where i can get my taxes done for free. i need to call my dad, and all my aunts. i want to clean up the house a little bit and send some emails to artists for the hive. i'm going to listen to some new music and get moving. thanks for listening, internet.
i have nothing to say. nothing of interest, at least. i'd like to whine about my mother, my roommates, my crush, my job, my inability to write. i'd like to write all these things down so i can think about them more clearly, organize the feelings associated with each subject. words aren't coming to me. it is harder than ever to articulate where my mind is. my teeth are distracting me with their sharp aching. i'm listening to ratatat and i can't tell if i enjoy it or not; it's just easy to listen to.
i am intimidated by the world. i don't truthfully believe that i have the spiritual or mental fortitude to navigate through life. not yet, at least. i don't understand these complex and dishonest adult systems. i don't understand how to make myself happy. i understand that it's my obligation to myself to find truth and create beauty, because that is how i will be the most deeply happy. i don't know how to make it happen. but i'll get there.
this is a strange middle ground for me; an incredibly uncomfortable goldilocks zone. goldilocks zone in the astronomical definition, as in the best distance from the sun where existence of life is possible. i have gotten far enough away from my sadness and anger that i could begin to create, but i feel no motivation or comfort here. i feel so much more confident in myself and who i am but i still need help.
i tried talking to nicole at work yesterday and instead vicky seemed far more interested in my problems and in offering advice. my sadness is hard for nicole to process, i think; i feel like since we've gotten closer and i've shared more of my crazy with her, she's lost respect for me. she says she admires my truthfulness and strength but she refuses to agree with me on anything, especially things work related. maybe it's coincidence that we don't agree on anything but it's so frustrating, sometimes even hurtful, that my opinion on cafe related things is consistently argued with.
my knee is finally back to normal and i'm glad that i'll be able to pull my own weight at work again instead of whining about aching. i hate not being able to help, and i think my injury has impacted people's professional opinion of me. it may only be a cafe, but i genuinely enjoy working hard and i'm proud of the good work that i do. i am by no means a model employee, but i show up and i know what i'm talking about. i pay attention because someday soon i will open my own cafe.
justin said something the other day along the lines of, "i'm not a barista, i'm a method actor". i feel that way, not as though i'm truly living but like i'm doing research for someone i will be someday. this feeling applies outside the cafe but the analogy is most direct there.
i admire david more than i could ever possibly say. sometimes when he speaks, his words step out in a confident stride and trample through ears with a ring of heartfelt truth. i wish i could do that. i am having a much more difficult time processing my feelings for him than i anticipated, but i am trying my absolute hardest to remember that logic reigns supreme [or at least, it should]. i remain totally unedited around him, which is a huge step for me and i'm proud of myself for not altering my being in a any way to impress this person. i want to be his friend, and i want to know him better, and i want him to genuinely know me. when i talk about this to my handful of trustworthy female friends, they say "that's good, that's really hard to do. when i like a guy, it's hard to not say you like the things he likes so you don't alienate him". i can see how i've molded myself previously to better facilitate the relationship. how small, silly, foolish. how wasteful! i am on a quest to be most completely myself, to be the most truthful person. the fact that i can comfortably be myself in front of someone i feel amorously for, well...yes, i do suppose that's something to be proud of.
days when i felt beautiful used to come as something of a shock. they didn't start until i was thirteen, when the Rapist moved out of house and i had the mole removed from my forehead. i didn't feel gorgeous until i dyed my hair blue, and i felt sexy when i shaved my head and had a mohawk. now with my long dark blue hair, i feel a more mature sense of beauty. it isn't a solely physical appreciation, but i'm really enjoying being myself. one night after closing the cafe, i skipped all the way to david's apartment. literally skipped down the street, nonstop, my battery running on pure joy for life. in spite of having been slightly down this past week, i am generally happy. i'm drinking water and washing my face a lot. there's an inherent freshness in those activities, i suppose, and it's translating all across my being. i've been writing in my journal every day, and planning for inferno's spring tour. i'm working with yula and the hive, helping to plan their debut art exhibition and i'm incredibly excited by the friends i'm making and the things i'm learning.
my feelings are only as important or debilitating as i allow them to be. when my anger seems overwhelming, i need to remember that holding it in is crippling and things need to be talked about to be resolved. anger isn't necessarily a base emotion; it usually comes from something else like fear or jealousy, and none of these are productive emotions. when lindsey wakes me up at eight in the morning by being loud, i'm not angry at my lack of sleep but rather that my friend isn't concerned about my happiness while i am very concerned about hers. that should be simple to talk about, but it isn't. at least, it hasn't been lately. i still have a lot to learn about using my words.
today, i'm hoping to write some more and maybe finish a craft. i also want to plan the inferno roadtrip and work out a budget for gas and car expenses. i want to see if there's anyway i can pay off this national grid bill and pay back my friends for money i borrowed last year. i need to look into where i can get my taxes done for free. i need to call my dad, and all my aunts. i want to clean up the house a little bit and send some emails to artists for the hive. i'm going to listen to some new music and get moving. thanks for listening, internet.