hands up, who wants to die?!
i had a wild day at work. i felt really busy all day, even though i had time to crochet half of a scarf for francisco. after work, nicole and i tried to find the rats that have been plaguing the cafe. we were trying to find out where they were coming from, and we found one on top of the hot water heater. i swung at it with a broom and it leapt at me, an impressive four foot jump, and i screamed and nicole screamed and we chased it under the santizer. it was so incredibly scary, i could not describe. but we figured out where they're getting in, and we'll call the exterminator tomorrow.
i obviously have mixed feelings about this. i feel bad for the rats, because it's cold outside and i know they're hungry. i also really need to keep my job, to keep the cafe open. sigh.
i came home and read that article from '01 on the inferno board. and i started listening to them, and i always forget how happy they make me until i listen to them. i don't know why. like it always surprises me. it always blows me away. i would give anything to go back in time and find the inferno sooner. seriously. my life would have been so much better. i would be a much better person. it's the only thing i'd ever change. i spent so much time feeling like no one understood me and i wasted years seeking it in numbskulls when all along, my people were out there! but i am glad to have found them, to have experience the joy of the inferno. the freedom, the dancing, the sweat, the drink.
i had a wonderful conversation with francisco this morning. i discovered that i really like myself, and it felt good to say it aloud without feeling false or vain. francisco complimented my growth and i accepted the compliment, realizing that i had in fact taken steps toward being a better person. i've learned to calm down, to be honest, to talk about myself. i work harder and i write more, and i haven't had any alcohol in almost two weeks. i feel stronger and smarter and i'm excited to wake up tomorrow. i'm excited to go to the cafe tomorrow and work and make delicious drinks for people.
and yet, i feel like i could have reached this point so much sooner if i had found the inferno. i would have learned so much about the world, so much more quickly. the past four years have been wild, intense, dramatic, joyful, tragic, strange...blissful. true, pure, moments of bliss. like life had never happened before and would never happen again. like the world was falling down around us and we could waltzed through the rubble. like our raised fists might actually unite to change the world. like love may actually exist, and we express it not only in a kiss but with flailing arms, elbows, legs. the inferno says that anything is possible, that the smart will inherit the earth, and it is worth the struggle to be strange because that is the essence of humanity. we are weird! we are all strange, we all have our quirks, and we are all desperately seeking someone who speaks the same language that we do.
i once dated a boy named josh who thought the inferno sounded like "cracked out lounge music", "something my grandma might like". maura laughed when i told her that but it made me really sad that he couldn't hear the song the same way i heard it, that i couldn't share that joy with him. he was a loser anyway but that's not the point. i can't imagine spending my time with someone who didn't hear this and understand it. how could i share my self and my soul with someone who didn't speak my language, who couldn't experience the same level of joy with me? is that vain? is that superficial? i don't know. i can't help how i feel. and yet, i have the same opinion about weezer, pavement and bob dylan. my heartbeat exists in their songs. i'm convinced. how could you love me if you can't hear my heartbeat?
music is the only thing humans have gotten right.
i obviously have mixed feelings about this. i feel bad for the rats, because it's cold outside and i know they're hungry. i also really need to keep my job, to keep the cafe open. sigh.
i came home and read that article from '01 on the inferno board. and i started listening to them, and i always forget how happy they make me until i listen to them. i don't know why. like it always surprises me. it always blows me away. i would give anything to go back in time and find the inferno sooner. seriously. my life would have been so much better. i would be a much better person. it's the only thing i'd ever change. i spent so much time feeling like no one understood me and i wasted years seeking it in numbskulls when all along, my people were out there! but i am glad to have found them, to have experience the joy of the inferno. the freedom, the dancing, the sweat, the drink.
i had a wonderful conversation with francisco this morning. i discovered that i really like myself, and it felt good to say it aloud without feeling false or vain. francisco complimented my growth and i accepted the compliment, realizing that i had in fact taken steps toward being a better person. i've learned to calm down, to be honest, to talk about myself. i work harder and i write more, and i haven't had any alcohol in almost two weeks. i feel stronger and smarter and i'm excited to wake up tomorrow. i'm excited to go to the cafe tomorrow and work and make delicious drinks for people.
and yet, i feel like i could have reached this point so much sooner if i had found the inferno. i would have learned so much about the world, so much more quickly. the past four years have been wild, intense, dramatic, joyful, tragic, strange...blissful. true, pure, moments of bliss. like life had never happened before and would never happen again. like the world was falling down around us and we could waltzed through the rubble. like our raised fists might actually unite to change the world. like love may actually exist, and we express it not only in a kiss but with flailing arms, elbows, legs. the inferno says that anything is possible, that the smart will inherit the earth, and it is worth the struggle to be strange because that is the essence of humanity. we are weird! we are all strange, we all have our quirks, and we are all desperately seeking someone who speaks the same language that we do.
i once dated a boy named josh who thought the inferno sounded like "cracked out lounge music", "something my grandma might like". maura laughed when i told her that but it made me really sad that he couldn't hear the song the same way i heard it, that i couldn't share that joy with him. he was a loser anyway but that's not the point. i can't imagine spending my time with someone who didn't hear this and understand it. how could i share my self and my soul with someone who didn't speak my language, who couldn't experience the same level of joy with me? is that vain? is that superficial? i don't know. i can't help how i feel. and yet, i have the same opinion about weezer, pavement and bob dylan. my heartbeat exists in their songs. i'm convinced. how could you love me if you can't hear my heartbeat?
music is the only thing humans have gotten right.