(no subject)
not feeling very inspired but feeling very positive.
feeling very lonely but also very intimidated by physical contact.
i'm amazed by how close i feel to a stranger. i had the most wonderful conversation with david siffert at his apartment the other day. i brought him peppermint hot chocolate and i made a hazeneut latte for myself. we listened to his music and...i can't really explain the conversation but it was frank, refreshing, eye-opening. he said something to me that has made it much easier to be positive. i feel better, genuinely better. i feel less preoccupied; somehow i feel more in each moment. i'm drinking my last forty right now and then i'm staying away from alcohol. this is for more than one reason, but one of them is the fact that i admire david, i admire his brilliance and his kindness and his sureness of self. well, his implied sureness of self. i'd like to see the world from his point of view, since mine is so clearly not working.
also, i'd like to put as much distance between myself and my mother as possible. she's been a drunk for forty years and i can't do that to my life and body; i deserve better. no one is going to give me better. no one is going to make my life better for me. my life is my own. my life is my responsibility.
sigh. it's overwhelming. sigh.
how am i supposed to live? does everyone live like this? does everyone actually go through twenty four hours in the day? really?
feeling very lonely but also very intimidated by physical contact.
i'm amazed by how close i feel to a stranger. i had the most wonderful conversation with david siffert at his apartment the other day. i brought him peppermint hot chocolate and i made a hazeneut latte for myself. we listened to his music and...i can't really explain the conversation but it was frank, refreshing, eye-opening. he said something to me that has made it much easier to be positive. i feel better, genuinely better. i feel less preoccupied; somehow i feel more in each moment. i'm drinking my last forty right now and then i'm staying away from alcohol. this is for more than one reason, but one of them is the fact that i admire david, i admire his brilliance and his kindness and his sureness of self. well, his implied sureness of self. i'd like to see the world from his point of view, since mine is so clearly not working.
also, i'd like to put as much distance between myself and my mother as possible. she's been a drunk for forty years and i can't do that to my life and body; i deserve better. no one is going to give me better. no one is going to make my life better for me. my life is my own. my life is my responsibility.
sigh. it's overwhelming. sigh.
how am i supposed to live? does everyone live like this? does everyone actually go through twenty four hours in the day? really?