Oct 16, 2003 20:16
Today was fine. It almost became wonderful; but today wasn't the day. Closest yet, though. I'm... not really talkative. If you want to talk about philosphy, now is the time to talk to me. I'm not in a playful mood, so now's when you'll get the most thought out of me. Unless, of course, you catch me in a true philosphical mood, where I'm thinking.
I want to communicate to people what I feel. I want my words to carry my meaning. I'm a writer. Am I not supposed to be able to do that? I'm a writer who does not write. Or, at least, my control over my voice is faltering, which it has been lately. My tones are off, my mood is misconceived, if I don't swallow before I speak I will end up bursting out with some explosion of... nothing like what I wish. =. Maybe I'm sick.
Lately I've been trying to explain how I feel. To people. About them, and things, about other people. Even to myself, but that's normal. Today I sunk back a little into sticking my nose into things I should have left alone; as a sharp reminder, embarrassment at my errors was quick to return. Well, here's to hoping I don't dwell on it and relearn my lesson. I don't know why I reverted to that. Maybe I was feeling talkative. I d'no.
The past couple days, though, I've been... hormonal. Not horny. But hormonal. At lunch I was construing... literally everything into a sexual sense. More than that, I was half-joking about it. Which, though typical teen, is out of character for me. The last time I did this, as Kelly pointed out (I didn't remember) was during Romeo and Juliet. Which was the last play I did, before this one. So, it's possible that drama simply makes me crude; it's likely, as drama tends to be filled with that sort of stuff.
There was a humorous moment, after I was demonstrating how much one could say fuck or fucking in random conversation, where I accidentally replied "My mother knows I fuck" instead of "cuss". =. Laugh. It was funny. Damn LJers.
It's interesting to note how often I have to start a conversation with people. I mean, I know I'm close and I don't say the most enthralling stuff, but I still like to get an IM or two. And it's not their fault; if I want to talk, I should IM them, but I'm just... not in the mood. Can you see the self-centeredness? Of course you can, every time you look at me. I'm working on it.
Right now I'm trying to explain myself. That might not have been so obvious. Maybe I'm not so self-centered as always trying to explain myself. =. Which is self-focused, so I guess that's as good as self-centered. Oh well. Anytime I talk about my friends people think I have a crush on them, for some odd reason, and unless an actualy conversation topic comes up, I don't have any significant other to rant about. That's by choice, of course, mostly because no one's available that matches me, but...still. I'm. Trying to say that. I can't think of anything to talk about. I'm bland and boring. My topics consist of school and whatever you happen to come up with. Excluding, of course, me. =.
I don't like feeling self-centered.
Liz sent me this song. Tantric - Breakdown. I had it when I was still in Columbia, I think. I listened to it a lot when I wrote. Heh. I'm just tired, is all.
I SAID I'M JUST TIRED, DAMMIT.
:mumble: I'll stop indulging myself now.