Hope
Hope is so seriously cruel, it really is.
Last week was just a mess. I neither need nor want, or even can really go into details, but suffice to say last weekend I had my heart broken by somebody who was supposed to do anything but hurt me like that. However, with me things are never simple or straightforward, and fault was with me, her, and neither of us. We've both agreed since then that it was inevitably going to happen in one form or another, and that even though we both caused each other agonising amounts of pain, far more than either of us realised was possible, there's not one shred of badwill between us. I don't even regret it happening.
Fucked up? Absolutely. But that's the way things go sometimes. I could have been a lot more hurt by the end of this, and so could she, had things gone any differently. The final result is that no relationship has or ever will come of this situation. The specifics are of course fucked up, but if you understand the phrase "The world is not enough" in a context other than relating to James Bond then you might be able to grasp on some level the kinds of emotions involved. And yet, it's for the best.
Of course, I still desperately want a relationship, and I feel I need one now more than ever. But that's not looking likely to happen any time soon unless I magically meet someone, which simply won't happen. Anyone I meet these days knows one or more of my friends and generally knows what I'm like before they've met me, so nothing will ever happen. I'd love to think that might change, and indeed I've a strange vision in my head of meeting the perfect girl randomly at the Nightwish gig at the end of the month, but I know that that's in reality just a fantasy, a "faded dream that never got to be" - to quote Breed 77. A man can dream, eh? I'd love to think I'll finally lose my virginity before my 22nd birthday in October, but even though I've come to within 3 days of that happening it was still on that occasion dashed at the last.
The thing is, I know I'm a decent guy. My faults are obvious - I'm a dramabomb, I'm immature, I'm impatient, I'm jealous as hell, I'm insanely lazy to the point of sheer self destruction, and those are just off the top of my head. Yet I'm also honest, loyal, a good listener and supportive. Perhaps overly so at times (a trait inherited from my mother I believe) but it's far better to be overprotective than underprotective. I'd rather my friends have me there and not need me than need me and not have me. *sigh* Oh well, the drought has to end sometime, right? One friend says it's mere bad luck. I say its looking like more than that. I've a fantastic life, but I'd trade so much of it for some success in love, or even progress of any kind. A boy can dream....
In other news, I'm still making no progress where I should be in life. Last week was a critical one, and was lost entirely due to my heartbreak preventing me from motivating myself to do anything even remotely constructive. This week has to change. Friday can't come soon enough due to certain pleasant events happening that day, and fortunately my dissertation will speed the time along. Still but, I can't shake the feeling that Thursday night is going to be utter Hell. I just want it to come and go - incident free - so I can get to Friday. Is that too much to ask? Possibly. Hope is not something I can afford. It's so so painful.
The job hunt will also begin again in earnest soon, again that being something I can't skimp on anymore, with time running out oh so fast. But this week has to be taken care of first. Dissertation, very nervewracking night out, then Friday, on which I could end up utterly miserable - again - or possibly happier than ever in my life. Here's hoping eh?
Last week was just a mess. I neither need nor want, or even can really go into details, but suffice to say last weekend I had my heart broken by somebody who was supposed to do anything but hurt me like that. However, with me things are never simple or straightforward, and fault was with me, her, and neither of us. We've both agreed since then that it was inevitably going to happen in one form or another, and that even though we both caused each other agonising amounts of pain, far more than either of us realised was possible, there's not one shred of badwill between us. I don't even regret it happening.
Fucked up? Absolutely. But that's the way things go sometimes. I could have been a lot more hurt by the end of this, and so could she, had things gone any differently. The final result is that no relationship has or ever will come of this situation. The specifics are of course fucked up, but if you understand the phrase "The world is not enough" in a context other than relating to James Bond then you might be able to grasp on some level the kinds of emotions involved. And yet, it's for the best.
Of course, I still desperately want a relationship, and I feel I need one now more than ever. But that's not looking likely to happen any time soon unless I magically meet someone, which simply won't happen. Anyone I meet these days knows one or more of my friends and generally knows what I'm like before they've met me, so nothing will ever happen. I'd love to think that might change, and indeed I've a strange vision in my head of meeting the perfect girl randomly at the Nightwish gig at the end of the month, but I know that that's in reality just a fantasy, a "faded dream that never got to be" - to quote Breed 77. A man can dream, eh? I'd love to think I'll finally lose my virginity before my 22nd birthday in October, but even though I've come to within 3 days of that happening it was still on that occasion dashed at the last.
The thing is, I know I'm a decent guy. My faults are obvious - I'm a dramabomb, I'm immature, I'm impatient, I'm jealous as hell, I'm insanely lazy to the point of sheer self destruction, and those are just off the top of my head. Yet I'm also honest, loyal, a good listener and supportive. Perhaps overly so at times (a trait inherited from my mother I believe) but it's far better to be overprotective than underprotective. I'd rather my friends have me there and not need me than need me and not have me. *sigh* Oh well, the drought has to end sometime, right? One friend says it's mere bad luck. I say its looking like more than that. I've a fantastic life, but I'd trade so much of it for some success in love, or even progress of any kind. A boy can dream....
In other news, I'm still making no progress where I should be in life. Last week was a critical one, and was lost entirely due to my heartbreak preventing me from motivating myself to do anything even remotely constructive. This week has to change. Friday can't come soon enough due to certain pleasant events happening that day, and fortunately my dissertation will speed the time along. Still but, I can't shake the feeling that Thursday night is going to be utter Hell. I just want it to come and go - incident free - so I can get to Friday. Is that too much to ask? Possibly. Hope is not something I can afford. It's so so painful.
The job hunt will also begin again in earnest soon, again that being something I can't skimp on anymore, with time running out oh so fast. But this week has to be taken care of first. Dissertation, very nervewracking night out, then Friday, on which I could end up utterly miserable - again - or possibly happier than ever in my life. Here's hoping eh?