whoooo am i?
Music has been my life for as long as I can remember.
One of my earliest true memories - a memory for which there are no pictures, no parental anecdotes, no tainting of others, etc., is the memory of swinging on the neighbor's swing set at the house we lived in from the time I was 2 1/2 until just after I turned 6. I don't know how old I was at the time of my memory, but it would have been the summer I was either 4 or 5. What I remember is swinging on their swing set, pumping my heart out to get as high as I could, and singing "Let's Go Fly A Kite" while I was swinging.
When I was in middle school (they built a new middle school in the district i attended from 5th to the middle of 8th grade and opened it up the year i entered 7th grade), I joined both the chorus and the orchestra, because I'd started playing the cello in 6th grade (I'd wanted to play flute, but they gave me cello because I had decent pitch recognition and could read music. I didn't learn to play flute until my senior year of high school in a totally different school district.) My first year of school chorus, I was a tenor because I could read music and hit the notes. My second year, I was an alto because now the boys could hit the notes but I could still read music.
I've been fighting being an alto ever since....because I LOVE singing the high stuff. It's not about melody for me; it's about singing the things that make me happy, and alto has never made me happy - and, truth be told? I have a tougher time "feeling" the inner-voice lines like alto and tenor. I'd rather sing bass.
In high school (we lived in that school district from the time I was in the middle of 8th grade until I graduated from college, actually), they had no orchestra and no chorus - so I gave up cello completely, since I didn't own one, and I only sang in the church choir, not at school, until my senior year of high school.
I still played piano, of course - mom had started to teach me when I was in first grade, and by the time I started formal lessons in second grade, I could already play better than most beginners, which confounded my teacher for the longest time and taught me that I didn't really need to practice. Thank goodness later teachers (not to mention my own mom) dispelled that notion! But the truth is, as much as I adore my piano and need it in my life? It's singing that is my first love. I never made it past the "advanced intermediate" stage of piano, really. I can teach rank beginners, and I can play some things, but I am not really a pianist, and that's okay....as long as I have a piano so I can play.
I also play a weird assortment of other instruments: cello (of course. I picked it up again just before college at dad's insistence; got a cello "scholarship" that paid just enough to pay for the college cello lessons, dropped it again my junior year when my cello prof insisted I do a recital that I knew in my heart would only humiliate me...and I didn't want to associate my music with humiliation, picked it back up again in graduate school when I was desperately homesick...but didn't get my own cello until my 30th birthday. I've played it off-and-on since then and more recently have come back to it because I adore cello...but I dont' have the true ear you need for it, really.) I also have played recorder since 3rd grade and have several soprano recorders and at least 2 alto ones; they melt my heart. I picked up flute (finally) in high school when i was desperate during a mandatory study hall my senior year; I now own my deceased cousin's flute and enjoy playing it, although I don't have the world's best embouchure - I do best on the lowest octave. Maybe it's the recorder's influence. I have had a folk guitar since high school (a Christmas present) and know a variety of chords; when I pull it out, that, too is fun, although most of what I can play is either camp songs or John Denver - go figure. Other random instruments in my apartment? Pan pipes (those are EXCELLENT but call for the type of breath support I only dream about), bongo drums, and at my parents is the first-ever set of concert bells I ever played/owned. (think xylophone with steel strips) I played bells in college in the marching band and mallet instruments in their concert band. LOVED that.
In college, I vowed that I would learn a section of the orchestra per decade of life, starting with my 20's. Sadly, my life hasn't worked out that way, or I would be proficient in strings, wind, and brass by now, and working my way through either reeds or percussion this decade.
Get the picture? But above and through it all has been voice. In college, when I first tried out for Concert Choir, somehow they made me not only an Alto but an Alto II (the lowest woman's part there is). Problem is? While I did have the range (back then, my range extended from the "D below Middle C" to over 3 octaves higher than that when I was vocalizing), I didn't have any power in my chest voice, making it really hard to sing all those low notes. I HATED it, and in my voice lessons with Dr. Phelps, he confirmed that I really was a Soprano. Sure enough, the next time I auditioned, the professor said, with considerable surprise, "Oh! You really ARE a soprano!" and moved me.
I've sung Second Soprano (in auditioned choruses) and First Soprano (the highest part - in church choirs) ever since.
But I hate auditioning. While I actually do love performing, and even singing solos - I do get nervous, but not debilitatingly so - and the rush is totally worth it, when I audition, my anxiety skyrockets through the roof. It's MUCH worse if I've been in a group for a while - the longer, the worse the anxiety gets. If I audition for something where the stakes aren't so high (I want to get in, but it's OK if I don't because I can always try again next time) then I actually do better. Or handle it better. Or something.
That brings us to....COC. I've been in Orchestra Choruses ever since my second year of graduate school, back in 1985 (or was it 1986?) when I joined the Akron Symphony Chorus for several seasons. When I moved to Ashtabula, there wasn't a quality local group to audition for, so I turned to musical theater instead, and did that for most of the 6 years that I lived there. Then I moved to Cleveland and took voice lessons again for the first time since grad school. At the end of that summer, I auditioned for the Cleveland Orchestra Chorus (summer of 1996) and to my shock, got in. I've sung with them ever since, making it through one change of director and a half-dozen (at least) re-auditions.
And the one I just did this week? Hands-down the worst one. EVER. And that isn't just nerves talking, or an overactive Inner Critic, or depression. It was BAD. I chose I piece I shouldn't have selected, given my mental-psych-myself-out penchant; I practiced it hard, but didn't practice it smart - so that the very first time I EVER sang it with a live accompanist was at the actual re-audition; I focused so hard on the piece that I skimped on practicing the assigned stuff; and I completely forgot to warm up my voice properly so that even the "check your range" stuff sounded wrong, flat, strained, and forced to my ears.
In the audition itself, I had to start my piece over THREE times. It got better once I relaxed a little, but not before I made a fool of myself explaining that I practiced to a stupid YouTube (of Kathleen Battle, but still....)
When Bob checked my range, I snuck a peak at the piano - and I could have sworn that the last arpeggio he had me do was only to A...and my voice thinned out there (it should have still been strong and shimmery-vibrato at least up to a B). I'm not stupid. I was dead-certain at that point that if he wanted to keep me as even a second-soprano, he would have had me sing up to a C (we're talking 2 octaves above "middle C" that is) - and I knew at that point that IF I was lucky to stay in Chorus at all, it would be as a dreaded Alto. But with as bad as the whole thing went? To be blunt, I walked out of the room already resigning myself to the fact that I was going to be let go and was already thinking about what all I needed to do over the next year to get back into Chorus next season.
No tears, interestingly. I was VERY upset with myself - but I have been secretly worrying about this for a good year-to-18 months. I've noticed over that span that singing in the range I love has become more of a struggle. I don't know if this is "asthma" related (I have had conflicting medical opinions over whether I truly have asthma or not, but I haven't had any actual medical treatment for it since 2008 or 9; in my adult life, I can list 3 times when I had what I would consider an "asthma attack" - none of which would have warranted hospitalization...but when I was treated, I could SING SO MUCH EASIER!)or, as I very strongly suspect, it is due to "The Change."
I'm at peace with whatever the letter I will get from Chorus next week will bring me; if I'm still in? I will rejoice exceedingly, whether it is as an Alto or (oh, God, please!) as a Soprano II. If not? My plan either way is to find a decent Voice Teacher around here and take lessons, so I can become much more comfortable and confident in my voice - and sing the way I truly want to again.
Because this ain't the end of me and my singing. Music IS my life.
Just saying.
One of my earliest true memories - a memory for which there are no pictures, no parental anecdotes, no tainting of others, etc., is the memory of swinging on the neighbor's swing set at the house we lived in from the time I was 2 1/2 until just after I turned 6. I don't know how old I was at the time of my memory, but it would have been the summer I was either 4 or 5. What I remember is swinging on their swing set, pumping my heart out to get as high as I could, and singing "Let's Go Fly A Kite" while I was swinging.
When I was in middle school (they built a new middle school in the district i attended from 5th to the middle of 8th grade and opened it up the year i entered 7th grade), I joined both the chorus and the orchestra, because I'd started playing the cello in 6th grade (I'd wanted to play flute, but they gave me cello because I had decent pitch recognition and could read music. I didn't learn to play flute until my senior year of high school in a totally different school district.) My first year of school chorus, I was a tenor because I could read music and hit the notes. My second year, I was an alto because now the boys could hit the notes but I could still read music.
I've been fighting being an alto ever since....because I LOVE singing the high stuff. It's not about melody for me; it's about singing the things that make me happy, and alto has never made me happy - and, truth be told? I have a tougher time "feeling" the inner-voice lines like alto and tenor. I'd rather sing bass.
In high school (we lived in that school district from the time I was in the middle of 8th grade until I graduated from college, actually), they had no orchestra and no chorus - so I gave up cello completely, since I didn't own one, and I only sang in the church choir, not at school, until my senior year of high school.
I still played piano, of course - mom had started to teach me when I was in first grade, and by the time I started formal lessons in second grade, I could already play better than most beginners, which confounded my teacher for the longest time and taught me that I didn't really need to practice. Thank goodness later teachers (not to mention my own mom) dispelled that notion! But the truth is, as much as I adore my piano and need it in my life? It's singing that is my first love. I never made it past the "advanced intermediate" stage of piano, really. I can teach rank beginners, and I can play some things, but I am not really a pianist, and that's okay....as long as I have a piano so I can play.
I also play a weird assortment of other instruments: cello (of course. I picked it up again just before college at dad's insistence; got a cello "scholarship" that paid just enough to pay for the college cello lessons, dropped it again my junior year when my cello prof insisted I do a recital that I knew in my heart would only humiliate me...and I didn't want to associate my music with humiliation, picked it back up again in graduate school when I was desperately homesick...but didn't get my own cello until my 30th birthday. I've played it off-and-on since then and more recently have come back to it because I adore cello...but I dont' have the true ear you need for it, really.) I also have played recorder since 3rd grade and have several soprano recorders and at least 2 alto ones; they melt my heart. I picked up flute (finally) in high school when i was desperate during a mandatory study hall my senior year; I now own my deceased cousin's flute and enjoy playing it, although I don't have the world's best embouchure - I do best on the lowest octave. Maybe it's the recorder's influence. I have had a folk guitar since high school (a Christmas present) and know a variety of chords; when I pull it out, that, too is fun, although most of what I can play is either camp songs or John Denver - go figure. Other random instruments in my apartment? Pan pipes (those are EXCELLENT but call for the type of breath support I only dream about), bongo drums, and at my parents is the first-ever set of concert bells I ever played/owned. (think xylophone with steel strips) I played bells in college in the marching band and mallet instruments in their concert band. LOVED that.
In college, I vowed that I would learn a section of the orchestra per decade of life, starting with my 20's. Sadly, my life hasn't worked out that way, or I would be proficient in strings, wind, and brass by now, and working my way through either reeds or percussion this decade.
Get the picture? But above and through it all has been voice. In college, when I first tried out for Concert Choir, somehow they made me not only an Alto but an Alto II (the lowest woman's part there is). Problem is? While I did have the range (back then, my range extended from the "D below Middle C" to over 3 octaves higher than that when I was vocalizing), I didn't have any power in my chest voice, making it really hard to sing all those low notes. I HATED it, and in my voice lessons with Dr. Phelps, he confirmed that I really was a Soprano. Sure enough, the next time I auditioned, the professor said, with considerable surprise, "Oh! You really ARE a soprano!" and moved me.
I've sung Second Soprano (in auditioned choruses) and First Soprano (the highest part - in church choirs) ever since.
But I hate auditioning. While I actually do love performing, and even singing solos - I do get nervous, but not debilitatingly so - and the rush is totally worth it, when I audition, my anxiety skyrockets through the roof. It's MUCH worse if I've been in a group for a while - the longer, the worse the anxiety gets. If I audition for something where the stakes aren't so high (I want to get in, but it's OK if I don't because I can always try again next time) then I actually do better. Or handle it better. Or something.
That brings us to....COC. I've been in Orchestra Choruses ever since my second year of graduate school, back in 1985 (or was it 1986?) when I joined the Akron Symphony Chorus for several seasons. When I moved to Ashtabula, there wasn't a quality local group to audition for, so I turned to musical theater instead, and did that for most of the 6 years that I lived there. Then I moved to Cleveland and took voice lessons again for the first time since grad school. At the end of that summer, I auditioned for the Cleveland Orchestra Chorus (summer of 1996) and to my shock, got in. I've sung with them ever since, making it through one change of director and a half-dozen (at least) re-auditions.
And the one I just did this week? Hands-down the worst one. EVER. And that isn't just nerves talking, or an overactive Inner Critic, or depression. It was BAD. I chose I piece I shouldn't have selected, given my mental-psych-myself-out penchant; I practiced it hard, but didn't practice it smart - so that the very first time I EVER sang it with a live accompanist was at the actual re-audition; I focused so hard on the piece that I skimped on practicing the assigned stuff; and I completely forgot to warm up my voice properly so that even the "check your range" stuff sounded wrong, flat, strained, and forced to my ears.
In the audition itself, I had to start my piece over THREE times. It got better once I relaxed a little, but not before I made a fool of myself explaining that I practiced to a stupid YouTube (of Kathleen Battle, but still....)
When Bob checked my range, I snuck a peak at the piano - and I could have sworn that the last arpeggio he had me do was only to A...and my voice thinned out there (it should have still been strong and shimmery-vibrato at least up to a B). I'm not stupid. I was dead-certain at that point that if he wanted to keep me as even a second-soprano, he would have had me sing up to a C (we're talking 2 octaves above "middle C" that is) - and I knew at that point that IF I was lucky to stay in Chorus at all, it would be as a dreaded Alto. But with as bad as the whole thing went? To be blunt, I walked out of the room already resigning myself to the fact that I was going to be let go and was already thinking about what all I needed to do over the next year to get back into Chorus next season.
No tears, interestingly. I was VERY upset with myself - but I have been secretly worrying about this for a good year-to-18 months. I've noticed over that span that singing in the range I love has become more of a struggle. I don't know if this is "asthma" related (I have had conflicting medical opinions over whether I truly have asthma or not, but I haven't had any actual medical treatment for it since 2008 or 9; in my adult life, I can list 3 times when I had what I would consider an "asthma attack" - none of which would have warranted hospitalization...but when I was treated, I could SING SO MUCH EASIER!)or, as I very strongly suspect, it is due to "The Change."
I'm at peace with whatever the letter I will get from Chorus next week will bring me; if I'm still in? I will rejoice exceedingly, whether it is as an Alto or (oh, God, please!) as a Soprano II. If not? My plan either way is to find a decent Voice Teacher around here and take lessons, so I can become much more comfortable and confident in my voice - and sing the way I truly want to again.
Because this ain't the end of me and my singing. Music IS my life.
Just saying.