To Let Go [One-Shot]
Title: To Let Go (AO3)
Pairing: IchiJyushi
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They've grown up and left the house. They were living in their own way. They changed. But some things are just too hard to let go.
Disclaimer: I don't own the sextuplets. I'm sad.
Warning: Incest. (Obviously)
A/N: Osomatsu-san is my current obsession. This anime is just...crazy. It can make you laugh so hard you piss yourself, and it can also make you cry so hard you dehydrate yourself. And as much as I try not to ship anyone, I ended up shipping Ichimatsu/Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu is an angel. Precious Cinnamon Roll that needs protection. As for Ichimatsu, he looked like he can kill you, and he can, but he is also a Cinnamon Roll deep inside. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH OKAY SOBS. Well I hope you guys don't mind me posting Osomatsu-san fics here. ><
“Jyushimatsu-sensei!”
Jyushimatsu stopped on his track, but even as he did, he was still moving back and forth, back and forth; his body was a ball of energy, has always been, that even when he was already on his thirty-something, he still had a hard time to contain all the energy within. Smiling widely to the approaching nurse, without losing his air of authority of course, he asked, “What is it? Is there any emergency? Am I needed somewhere?”
“Ah, no sensei.” The nurse smiled back at him, mimicking his smile. “But someone has asked to see you.”
“Is it a patient? Is he or she sick?”
“No, it’s one of your brothers.”
At that, Jyushimatsu finally stopped moving. “Which one?”
“It’s Ichimatsu-sama.”
Jyushimatsu’s smile faltered a bit and he felt a hard pounding on his chest at the mention of that name. For a moment, he was thinking of making excuses - he could probably do that. He was a doctor after all, and he could just lie and say that he was needed somewhere else, that he got an emergency or something.
But he knew he couldn’t, not when Ichimatsu himself rounded the corner and approached them slowly, his eyes fixed at Jyushimatsu’s still body.
“Ah, there he is!” The nurse waved happily at Ichimatsu, calling him over, and then she turned to Jyushimatsu. “You guys really look alike - sextuplets are amazing!”
Jyushimatsu smiled at her. “I know, right?”
When Ichimatsu was getting closer, the nurse finally excused herself, and suddenly there was just the two of them in the middle of deserted hallway in the hospital Jyushimatsu worked at, surrounded by the white walls. Jyushimatsu stared at his brother with a wide smile on his face to cover how nervous he actually was; despite not wanting to, he couldn’t help but taking in his brother’s feature greedily. It has been what - a year or so since he last saw him. Ichimatsu was, by any means, didn’t change. He still looked at others with that bored look on his face, his hair was still as messy as ever, and he was still hunched over. The only thing that changed was his clothes - gone now the usual jersey they, brothers, used to wear all the time back then. Ichimatsu was wearing a freshly tailored suit, while Jyushimatsu himself, though still wearing his old jersey inside, was wearing his white coat with his nametag on it.
They stood there for a while, eyes staring at each other, before Ichimatsu finally broke the silence. “Yo, Jyushimatsu.”
“Good afternoon.” Jyushimatsu replied almost automatically. “It has been a while, Nii-san. You didn’t come home last Christmas.” He said, his voice somewhat almost accusing.
“Yeah. I got busy.” Ichimatsu answered shortly. He rubbed the back of his head as he let out a sigh. “Sorry for not showing up.”
“No, it’s okay. I understand if you’re busy - we all are.” He forced a grin into his face, and he was glad that he used to smile all the time because it certainly helped him out at times like this, when his chest was clenching painfully and his face felt like crumbling and giving everything away. “Our condition is really different now, ne? We used to be NEET all the time, but now we’re all working! Isn’t that amazing?!” Jyushimatsu said loudly as he turned away from Ichimatsu and walked into the vending machine, trying to keep himself busy to distract his mind. “And some of us are even married - like you!”
Ichimatsu said nothing at that. He stayed silent, and Jyushimatsu wasn’t going to prompt him to speak - Ichimatsu got his own pace after all, and he knew that with him, silence wasn’t always bad. Jyushimatsu filled the silence instead by pulling out his wallet and then putting the money inside the vending machine. He chose the drinks and after a loud noise of the cans dropping, he crouched down to retrieve them. “You like this brand of coffee, aren’t you?” He said loudly as he offered Ichimatsu the chilled can. “I still remember how you used to drink this all the time before!”
The corner of Ichimatsu’s lips quirked up as he reached out to take the drink. “You still remember.”
“I do! I remember…a lot…” He trailed off as Ichimatsu gripped his wrist instead of taking the offered can - out of surprise, Jyushimatsu let go of the can, the loud voice of the can hitting the floor was reverberating all around him, but he couldn’t look away -
How could he, when Ichimatsu was looking at him sadly like that?
“You’re still the same.” Ichimatsu whispered. “You still hide your hands under the sleeves like this.”
He said nothing as Ichimatsu rolled up the sleeve to reveal his hidden hand, but he did twitch as Ichimatsu’s hand touched his skin, stroking gently before then he finally interlaced their fingers, squeezing tightly it almost hurts.
“Jyushimatsu.”
He hated this. He hated the gentle voice that Ichimatsu was using. He hated the warmth that was spreading from their interlaced hands to every corner of his body, pulsating all inside him and stirring the emotion that he thought has long die, making the memories that he had tried hard to forget come back at full force. They used to hold hands like this a lot back then; it seemed like a natural thing to do, holding hands with Ichimatsu, and they did it all the time. What started out innocently like that developed into something more; he didn’t know since when, but they started spending time alone more frequently. They’d hold hands, but that alone wasn’t enough; they’d hug, but again, that wasn’t enough. They started kissing each other then, and for a while it seemed enough, but of course it wasn’t, and in the end Jyushimatsu let his brother took him, and it was then when he felt like it was finally enough. That moment, when he became one with Ichimatsu with words of love pouring from the throat of the usually quiet man, Jyushimatsu finally think that this was it. This was what he was searching for, the warmth that was traveling inside his body, the trail of fire Ichimatsu left on his skin with every touch of his fingertips, the tears that flowed out involuntarily despite how he smiled widely at his brother - this was it, and he had no doubt of it.
But when he told Todomatsu about it, his younger brother was horrified. He looked at him like he couldn’t believe him, and, with a small voice that was enough to shatter Jyushimatsu, he said,
“That is wrong, Nii-san.”
He didn’t understand; how could something that felt so right like that was wrong? He tried to argue, tried to give his own reasoning, but he realized then that there wasn’t any reason. It just happened. It just be, and he couldn’t explain it to Todomatsu.
Todomatsu shook his head. “It’s wrong, Nii-san. You aren’t supposed to do it with Ichimatsu-niisan.” The youngest said as he gripped on his shoulder, as if trying to wake him up. “You guys are brothers, and even though you love him in that way, you can’t. You can only love him like how you love me and Osomatsu-niisan and Karamatsu-niisan and Choromatsu-niisan. You can’t love him more than that, Nii-san. You can’t.”
“But…” Jyushimatsu said. “But why?”
Todomatsu looked sad as he said this. “You just can’t.”
And just as how his love for Ichimatsu didn’t have a solid reason, their relationship being wrong also didn’t have a solid reason.
Just like that, Jyushimatsu started avoiding Ichimatsu. He felt bad about it, but he couldn’t stand to be with him anymore. Every time Ichimatsu reached out to touch him, almost immediately he’d hear Todomatsu’s voice saying how wrong everything was, and he’d avoid him. He could see it clearly on Ichimatsu’s eyes, the hurt of the rejection he kept on receiving, that one day he finally said it out loud.
“This is wrong.” He said, his voice oddly calm and his smile was still on his face. “This is wrong, Nii-san.”
Ichimatsu’s face was crestfallen as he said that. “But why?” His brother had asked.
His brother.
“It’s just wrong.” He whispered. “It just is.”
When Ichimatsu walked away from him that day, he wished he could take it all back.
Their relationship strained as easily as that. Ichimatsu was pushing everyone away even more than ever, while Jyushimatsu kept on leaving the house, looking for something to keep him busy so he wouldn’t have to be home all the time and saw his brother and being reminded of how close they were before, how they had become one before and how there was nothing that could ever live to compare to that. But he kept silent, and so did Ichimatsu, and they all went their own way. Jyushimatsu started studying to keep his mind busy, and somehow or another he ended up studying to be a doctor; this has seemed to give their brothers motivation though, because they all started going out to look for work too.
All but Ichimatsu.
He just simply walked in to them one day, and out of the blue, he declared that he was going to marry a rich girl and taking over her company. While the rest of their brothers were jokingly accusing him of just wanting to be rich without working, Jyushimatsu was the only one who couldn’t smile.
The night after the announcement, Todomatsu came to him and he cried. “I’m sorry Nii-san.” He said over and over. “I’m sorry for hurting you - I’m sorry -“
Jyushimatsu could only hug him, because he wasn’t at the wrong. Jyushimatsu was. His relationship with Ichimatsu was. Everything was.
Ichimatsu left first once he got married without so much of a word or two to him, and he accepted that. He gotten himself busy too, and he was finally, finally able to push him into the furthest corner of his mind; the thought of Ichimatsu was just a fleeting memory that surged forward once in a while.
But now, with him holding his hand tightly like Jyushimatsu was the only thing that mattered to him, Jyushimatsu almost felt like begging him.
Take me back, Nii-san. I’m sorry for pushing you away back then. Please take me back. Please tell me that you want me too. Please.
The way Ichimatsu stared at him made him shiver, the way he stared at him - the warmth on his eyes as his eyes studied Jyushimatsu’s - was enough to make his knees weak. He knew that if he said the words, then Ichimatsu would take him. He knew that if he said the words, then Ichimatsu would pull him into a hug, erasing all those years of heartbreaks that they has been going through like it was nothing.
But.
“I have to check the children’s ward.” Jyushimatsu heard himself talking despite how loud the sound of his heart breaking was surrounding him. “I’m on duty today.”
Ichimatsu was stunned; his grip on his hand immediately tightened, like he was trying to urge Jyushimatsu to say it, like he was giving him another chance to fix everything. “I really have to go.” He forced a smile. “The children are waiting for me.”
Ichimatsu looked crestfallen, almost as if Jyushimatsu was stomping on his heart like it was nothing but trash. He opened his mouth to say something, but in the end he shook his head and looked away. After a lingering moment, he finally let his hand go, slowly, and Jyushimatsu nearly cried at that, but he kept his smile on his face, determined not to cry in front of him. “I should go back too.” Ichimatsu said. “My wife is probably waiting for me - we’ll have a meeting tonight.”
“Is that so? Your wife is pregnant though, right? You should tell her to get a lot of rest! Ah, she can give birth in this hospital, if you want! I’ll ask my friends for help, and she’ll get the best treatment she could ever get!”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her that.” Ichimatsu mumbled; he bent down to reach for the bent can, and he held it tightly on his hands as he stared emptily to Jyushimatsu. “Well, see you later.”
“See you later! Don’t forget to visit on the next Christmas - Karamatsu-niisan is missing you!”
“Hah, that trash probably just wanted to borrow some money from me.” Ichimatsu started walking away then; their shoulders brushed against each other and Jyushimatsu closed his eyes tightly. “Bye, Jyushimatsu.”
“Bye.” He gulped. “Ichimatsu-niisan.”
He listened to the fading steps of his brother, and then he slowly moved towards the children ward. Along the way, he drank the whole content of the can and threw it into the nearby trashcan, and then he pulled down the sleeve of his coat to hide his hand like he used to as he neared the children ward. It was as noisy as ever, and as he slide the door opened, the kids immediately turned their heads towards Jyushimatsu. “Oh, Jyushimatsu-sensei is here!”
“Good afternoon, kids!” He yelled cheerfully. “What are you guys doing? Do you want to play baseball with me?”
“Sensei, you know that our bodies are weak, don’t you?” One of the kids chirped up, and the rest laughed. “We’ve been drawing, sensei! Look!”
A small girl that was closest to him offered him her drawing, and Jyushimatsu stared at it, trying to find a point to compliment at. But everything was too blurry - he couldn’t make out the girl’s drawing, and for a moment he wondered if his eyes were tired or if the girl’s drawing was intended to be blurry. But then he suddenly realized of how silent it was all around him - there was no laughter anymore.
Then, a boy spoke up.
“Sensei, why are you crying?”
“Eh?” Jyushimatsu reached up to touch his cheek, and true enough, his tears were falling, one by one. He tried to stop them, tried to keep his smile in face, but he couldn’t - it hurts too much. Soon enough, he couldn’t help himself. He cried out loud as he crouched down, hiding his face in both embarrassment and sadness as sobs after sobs were wrecking his body.
“Sensei, are you hurt?” The kid all around him asked nervously, small hands patting his back to help soothing him. “Should we call the nurse, sensei?”
Jyushimatsu shook his head. “I’m not sick.” He gasped out between his sobs. “I just - I just lost something.”
“Where did you lose it?” Another boy asked.
“We’ll find it for you!” A girl yelled energetically.
“No.” He said brokenly. “No, it’s useless. It’s lost for good - I lost him for good.”
The words felt like a slap to his own face - he really lost him for good. After what happened today, there would be no other chance anymore. They’d just have to live with the way it was, with the bittersweet memories and the repressed longing for each other. He just had to live with it.
And he bawled loudly at that. The kids were finally giving up on offering any solution, and they just gathered all around him, patting his head and back and trying to hug him, giving soothing words as much as they could.
And one of them said this, “Mom said that when you lose something then you should just let it go. It’s actually God’s way to bring something even better than what you just lose.”
Jyushimatsu stopped crying when he heard that, and he gazed at the innocent eyes of the kid with teary eyes, trying to make sense of his words. “But I believe that he was the best for me.” He whispered. “And I lost him.”
“Someone better will come along.” The kid insisted. “Someone that will be the bestest!”
The other kids hummed in agreement, and they started telling him that his prince or princess charming, the one, was on their way to Jyushimatsu’s place, and Jyushimatsu couldn’t help but smile at how innocent they were. If he was being honest, he doubted it. There was no one in this world that could make him feel the way he feel strongly towards Ichimatsu, no one in this world that could even take over his place.
As it should be.
But, deep down in his heart, he wished that these kids were right. He hoped that one day, someone else would come along, and she or he would be able to make him feel something that was completely brand new, to make him fall in love in a way that was incomparable with the way he loved his brother, because it was never meant to be compared. He hoped that one day, he’d be able to look back at all this, and he’d be able to truly smile because this was all a precious memory, something that made him the Jyushimatsu he was now.
He hoped that one day, both him and Ichimatsu could get their happy ending, even if they weren’t together.
Wiping the tears with his sleeves, Jyushimatsu leaped to his feet and spread his hands. “I’m okay now!” He announced loudly. “Let’s all go down to the yard and play catch-ball with me! Doctor’s order!”
“But -“
“With me around, nothing bad will happen! Come now, let’s go!”
The children yelled happily and they all started rushing out the door, chirping energetically with Jyushimatsu walking behind them with a wide smile on his face and spring on his each steps.
For now, Jyushimatsu could only hope.
Pairing: IchiJyushi
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They've grown up and left the house. They were living in their own way. They changed. But some things are just too hard to let go.
Disclaimer: I don't own the sextuplets. I'm sad.
Warning: Incest. (Obviously)
A/N: Osomatsu-san is my current obsession. This anime is just...crazy. It can make you laugh so hard you piss yourself, and it can also make you cry so hard you dehydrate yourself. And as much as I try not to ship anyone, I ended up shipping Ichimatsu/Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu is an angel. Precious Cinnamon Roll that needs protection. As for Ichimatsu, he looked like he can kill you, and he can, but he is also a Cinnamon Roll deep inside. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH OKAY SOBS. Well I hope you guys don't mind me posting Osomatsu-san fics here. ><
“Jyushimatsu-sensei!”
Jyushimatsu stopped on his track, but even as he did, he was still moving back and forth, back and forth; his body was a ball of energy, has always been, that even when he was already on his thirty-something, he still had a hard time to contain all the energy within. Smiling widely to the approaching nurse, without losing his air of authority of course, he asked, “What is it? Is there any emergency? Am I needed somewhere?”
“Ah, no sensei.” The nurse smiled back at him, mimicking his smile. “But someone has asked to see you.”
“Is it a patient? Is he or she sick?”
“No, it’s one of your brothers.”
At that, Jyushimatsu finally stopped moving. “Which one?”
“It’s Ichimatsu-sama.”
Jyushimatsu’s smile faltered a bit and he felt a hard pounding on his chest at the mention of that name. For a moment, he was thinking of making excuses - he could probably do that. He was a doctor after all, and he could just lie and say that he was needed somewhere else, that he got an emergency or something.
But he knew he couldn’t, not when Ichimatsu himself rounded the corner and approached them slowly, his eyes fixed at Jyushimatsu’s still body.
“Ah, there he is!” The nurse waved happily at Ichimatsu, calling him over, and then she turned to Jyushimatsu. “You guys really look alike - sextuplets are amazing!”
Jyushimatsu smiled at her. “I know, right?”
When Ichimatsu was getting closer, the nurse finally excused herself, and suddenly there was just the two of them in the middle of deserted hallway in the hospital Jyushimatsu worked at, surrounded by the white walls. Jyushimatsu stared at his brother with a wide smile on his face to cover how nervous he actually was; despite not wanting to, he couldn’t help but taking in his brother’s feature greedily. It has been what - a year or so since he last saw him. Ichimatsu was, by any means, didn’t change. He still looked at others with that bored look on his face, his hair was still as messy as ever, and he was still hunched over. The only thing that changed was his clothes - gone now the usual jersey they, brothers, used to wear all the time back then. Ichimatsu was wearing a freshly tailored suit, while Jyushimatsu himself, though still wearing his old jersey inside, was wearing his white coat with his nametag on it.
They stood there for a while, eyes staring at each other, before Ichimatsu finally broke the silence. “Yo, Jyushimatsu.”
“Good afternoon.” Jyushimatsu replied almost automatically. “It has been a while, Nii-san. You didn’t come home last Christmas.” He said, his voice somewhat almost accusing.
“Yeah. I got busy.” Ichimatsu answered shortly. He rubbed the back of his head as he let out a sigh. “Sorry for not showing up.”
“No, it’s okay. I understand if you’re busy - we all are.” He forced a grin into his face, and he was glad that he used to smile all the time because it certainly helped him out at times like this, when his chest was clenching painfully and his face felt like crumbling and giving everything away. “Our condition is really different now, ne? We used to be NEET all the time, but now we’re all working! Isn’t that amazing?!” Jyushimatsu said loudly as he turned away from Ichimatsu and walked into the vending machine, trying to keep himself busy to distract his mind. “And some of us are even married - like you!”
Ichimatsu said nothing at that. He stayed silent, and Jyushimatsu wasn’t going to prompt him to speak - Ichimatsu got his own pace after all, and he knew that with him, silence wasn’t always bad. Jyushimatsu filled the silence instead by pulling out his wallet and then putting the money inside the vending machine. He chose the drinks and after a loud noise of the cans dropping, he crouched down to retrieve them. “You like this brand of coffee, aren’t you?” He said loudly as he offered Ichimatsu the chilled can. “I still remember how you used to drink this all the time before!”
The corner of Ichimatsu’s lips quirked up as he reached out to take the drink. “You still remember.”
“I do! I remember…a lot…” He trailed off as Ichimatsu gripped his wrist instead of taking the offered can - out of surprise, Jyushimatsu let go of the can, the loud voice of the can hitting the floor was reverberating all around him, but he couldn’t look away -
How could he, when Ichimatsu was looking at him sadly like that?
“You’re still the same.” Ichimatsu whispered. “You still hide your hands under the sleeves like this.”
He said nothing as Ichimatsu rolled up the sleeve to reveal his hidden hand, but he did twitch as Ichimatsu’s hand touched his skin, stroking gently before then he finally interlaced their fingers, squeezing tightly it almost hurts.
“Jyushimatsu.”
He hated this. He hated the gentle voice that Ichimatsu was using. He hated the warmth that was spreading from their interlaced hands to every corner of his body, pulsating all inside him and stirring the emotion that he thought has long die, making the memories that he had tried hard to forget come back at full force. They used to hold hands like this a lot back then; it seemed like a natural thing to do, holding hands with Ichimatsu, and they did it all the time. What started out innocently like that developed into something more; he didn’t know since when, but they started spending time alone more frequently. They’d hold hands, but that alone wasn’t enough; they’d hug, but again, that wasn’t enough. They started kissing each other then, and for a while it seemed enough, but of course it wasn’t, and in the end Jyushimatsu let his brother took him, and it was then when he felt like it was finally enough. That moment, when he became one with Ichimatsu with words of love pouring from the throat of the usually quiet man, Jyushimatsu finally think that this was it. This was what he was searching for, the warmth that was traveling inside his body, the trail of fire Ichimatsu left on his skin with every touch of his fingertips, the tears that flowed out involuntarily despite how he smiled widely at his brother - this was it, and he had no doubt of it.
But when he told Todomatsu about it, his younger brother was horrified. He looked at him like he couldn’t believe him, and, with a small voice that was enough to shatter Jyushimatsu, he said,
“That is wrong, Nii-san.”
He didn’t understand; how could something that felt so right like that was wrong? He tried to argue, tried to give his own reasoning, but he realized then that there wasn’t any reason. It just happened. It just be, and he couldn’t explain it to Todomatsu.
Todomatsu shook his head. “It’s wrong, Nii-san. You aren’t supposed to do it with Ichimatsu-niisan.” The youngest said as he gripped on his shoulder, as if trying to wake him up. “You guys are brothers, and even though you love him in that way, you can’t. You can only love him like how you love me and Osomatsu-niisan and Karamatsu-niisan and Choromatsu-niisan. You can’t love him more than that, Nii-san. You can’t.”
“But…” Jyushimatsu said. “But why?”
Todomatsu looked sad as he said this. “You just can’t.”
And just as how his love for Ichimatsu didn’t have a solid reason, their relationship being wrong also didn’t have a solid reason.
Just like that, Jyushimatsu started avoiding Ichimatsu. He felt bad about it, but he couldn’t stand to be with him anymore. Every time Ichimatsu reached out to touch him, almost immediately he’d hear Todomatsu’s voice saying how wrong everything was, and he’d avoid him. He could see it clearly on Ichimatsu’s eyes, the hurt of the rejection he kept on receiving, that one day he finally said it out loud.
“This is wrong.” He said, his voice oddly calm and his smile was still on his face. “This is wrong, Nii-san.”
Ichimatsu’s face was crestfallen as he said that. “But why?” His brother had asked.
His brother.
“It’s just wrong.” He whispered. “It just is.”
When Ichimatsu walked away from him that day, he wished he could take it all back.
Their relationship strained as easily as that. Ichimatsu was pushing everyone away even more than ever, while Jyushimatsu kept on leaving the house, looking for something to keep him busy so he wouldn’t have to be home all the time and saw his brother and being reminded of how close they were before, how they had become one before and how there was nothing that could ever live to compare to that. But he kept silent, and so did Ichimatsu, and they all went their own way. Jyushimatsu started studying to keep his mind busy, and somehow or another he ended up studying to be a doctor; this has seemed to give their brothers motivation though, because they all started going out to look for work too.
All but Ichimatsu.
He just simply walked in to them one day, and out of the blue, he declared that he was going to marry a rich girl and taking over her company. While the rest of their brothers were jokingly accusing him of just wanting to be rich without working, Jyushimatsu was the only one who couldn’t smile.
The night after the announcement, Todomatsu came to him and he cried. “I’m sorry Nii-san.” He said over and over. “I’m sorry for hurting you - I’m sorry -“
Jyushimatsu could only hug him, because he wasn’t at the wrong. Jyushimatsu was. His relationship with Ichimatsu was. Everything was.
Ichimatsu left first once he got married without so much of a word or two to him, and he accepted that. He gotten himself busy too, and he was finally, finally able to push him into the furthest corner of his mind; the thought of Ichimatsu was just a fleeting memory that surged forward once in a while.
But now, with him holding his hand tightly like Jyushimatsu was the only thing that mattered to him, Jyushimatsu almost felt like begging him.
Take me back, Nii-san. I’m sorry for pushing you away back then. Please take me back. Please tell me that you want me too. Please.
The way Ichimatsu stared at him made him shiver, the way he stared at him - the warmth on his eyes as his eyes studied Jyushimatsu’s - was enough to make his knees weak. He knew that if he said the words, then Ichimatsu would take him. He knew that if he said the words, then Ichimatsu would pull him into a hug, erasing all those years of heartbreaks that they has been going through like it was nothing.
But.
“I have to check the children’s ward.” Jyushimatsu heard himself talking despite how loud the sound of his heart breaking was surrounding him. “I’m on duty today.”
Ichimatsu was stunned; his grip on his hand immediately tightened, like he was trying to urge Jyushimatsu to say it, like he was giving him another chance to fix everything. “I really have to go.” He forced a smile. “The children are waiting for me.”
Ichimatsu looked crestfallen, almost as if Jyushimatsu was stomping on his heart like it was nothing but trash. He opened his mouth to say something, but in the end he shook his head and looked away. After a lingering moment, he finally let his hand go, slowly, and Jyushimatsu nearly cried at that, but he kept his smile on his face, determined not to cry in front of him. “I should go back too.” Ichimatsu said. “My wife is probably waiting for me - we’ll have a meeting tonight.”
“Is that so? Your wife is pregnant though, right? You should tell her to get a lot of rest! Ah, she can give birth in this hospital, if you want! I’ll ask my friends for help, and she’ll get the best treatment she could ever get!”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her that.” Ichimatsu mumbled; he bent down to reach for the bent can, and he held it tightly on his hands as he stared emptily to Jyushimatsu. “Well, see you later.”
“See you later! Don’t forget to visit on the next Christmas - Karamatsu-niisan is missing you!”
“Hah, that trash probably just wanted to borrow some money from me.” Ichimatsu started walking away then; their shoulders brushed against each other and Jyushimatsu closed his eyes tightly. “Bye, Jyushimatsu.”
“Bye.” He gulped. “Ichimatsu-niisan.”
He listened to the fading steps of his brother, and then he slowly moved towards the children ward. Along the way, he drank the whole content of the can and threw it into the nearby trashcan, and then he pulled down the sleeve of his coat to hide his hand like he used to as he neared the children ward. It was as noisy as ever, and as he slide the door opened, the kids immediately turned their heads towards Jyushimatsu. “Oh, Jyushimatsu-sensei is here!”
“Good afternoon, kids!” He yelled cheerfully. “What are you guys doing? Do you want to play baseball with me?”
“Sensei, you know that our bodies are weak, don’t you?” One of the kids chirped up, and the rest laughed. “We’ve been drawing, sensei! Look!”
A small girl that was closest to him offered him her drawing, and Jyushimatsu stared at it, trying to find a point to compliment at. But everything was too blurry - he couldn’t make out the girl’s drawing, and for a moment he wondered if his eyes were tired or if the girl’s drawing was intended to be blurry. But then he suddenly realized of how silent it was all around him - there was no laughter anymore.
Then, a boy spoke up.
“Sensei, why are you crying?”
“Eh?” Jyushimatsu reached up to touch his cheek, and true enough, his tears were falling, one by one. He tried to stop them, tried to keep his smile in face, but he couldn’t - it hurts too much. Soon enough, he couldn’t help himself. He cried out loud as he crouched down, hiding his face in both embarrassment and sadness as sobs after sobs were wrecking his body.
“Sensei, are you hurt?” The kid all around him asked nervously, small hands patting his back to help soothing him. “Should we call the nurse, sensei?”
Jyushimatsu shook his head. “I’m not sick.” He gasped out between his sobs. “I just - I just lost something.”
“Where did you lose it?” Another boy asked.
“We’ll find it for you!” A girl yelled energetically.
“No.” He said brokenly. “No, it’s useless. It’s lost for good - I lost him for good.”
The words felt like a slap to his own face - he really lost him for good. After what happened today, there would be no other chance anymore. They’d just have to live with the way it was, with the bittersweet memories and the repressed longing for each other. He just had to live with it.
And he bawled loudly at that. The kids were finally giving up on offering any solution, and they just gathered all around him, patting his head and back and trying to hug him, giving soothing words as much as they could.
And one of them said this, “Mom said that when you lose something then you should just let it go. It’s actually God’s way to bring something even better than what you just lose.”
Jyushimatsu stopped crying when he heard that, and he gazed at the innocent eyes of the kid with teary eyes, trying to make sense of his words. “But I believe that he was the best for me.” He whispered. “And I lost him.”
“Someone better will come along.” The kid insisted. “Someone that will be the bestest!”
The other kids hummed in agreement, and they started telling him that his prince or princess charming, the one, was on their way to Jyushimatsu’s place, and Jyushimatsu couldn’t help but smile at how innocent they were. If he was being honest, he doubted it. There was no one in this world that could make him feel the way he feel strongly towards Ichimatsu, no one in this world that could even take over his place.
As it should be.
But, deep down in his heart, he wished that these kids were right. He hoped that one day, someone else would come along, and she or he would be able to make him feel something that was completely brand new, to make him fall in love in a way that was incomparable with the way he loved his brother, because it was never meant to be compared. He hoped that one day, he’d be able to look back at all this, and he’d be able to truly smile because this was all a precious memory, something that made him the Jyushimatsu he was now.
He hoped that one day, both him and Ichimatsu could get their happy ending, even if they weren’t together.
Wiping the tears with his sleeves, Jyushimatsu leaped to his feet and spread his hands. “I’m okay now!” He announced loudly. “Let’s all go down to the yard and play catch-ball with me! Doctor’s order!”
“But -“
“With me around, nothing bad will happen! Come now, let’s go!”
The children yelled happily and they all started rushing out the door, chirping energetically with Jyushimatsu walking behind them with a wide smile on his face and spring on his each steps.
For now, Jyushimatsu could only hope.