Masquerade - Closure [Series]
Title: Masquerade - Closure (AO3)
Pairing: Juntoshi, Yama, and also...
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes, to choose is a punishment. But sometimes, it is also a blessing.
Disclaimer: Nope. Only own the plot, that's all.
A/N: AAAANDDD ITS OVER XD Gah, it's a super long chapter! I think this is the longest chapter I've ever made...maybe, I don't really remember LOL But thanks a lot for those that have been requesting for this to be made. It has been fun writing this! Once again, thank you! And I hope you'll enjoy the way this story ended! Comments will be loved!
Jun met him a long time ago, when he was still this tiny kid with messy teeth and a voice that’d make anyone cringe if they ever heard it.
He had strayed from the path; the brake on his bicycle was broken, it seems, and sadly he has been speeding up down the lane, only to find out that he wasn’t able to stop. He steered left, out from the road and into the forest, his bicycle going wild, and then it finally hit a big rock and Jun fell from his bicycle. He was mostly fine - his bicycle was completely broken, but he didn’t care because it seems his leg was broken too. It was twisted in a very strange way, like someone had tried to squeeze something out of it, and he laid there, in the middle of nowhere, unable to find his voice because he was too shocked. The sun was slowly setting in the distance, the night approaching, and Jun felt a tight lump forming on his throat as he heard some rustling - what if it was some animal out to get him?
The rustling came closer, closer, closer, and Jun closed his eyes and whimpered in both pain and fear.
But instead of a growl of a beast, he heard someone greeted him instead, “Are you okay?”
He opened his eyes, and there, standing in front of him, was an older kid; he was chubby, with brown hair falling across his face, and his skin was so white it seemed to glow in the dark. His brown eyes were staring at Jun in a worried expressions as he kneeled in front of him; his fingers gingerly touched Jun’s face, softly getting rid of the dirt on his cheeks, before then he turned to stare at his legs. “Does it hurt?”
Jun couldn’t answer - he was too stunned, both from the beauty of the kid in front of him and from the actual shock of falling from his bicycle from earlier. The kid was waiting for his answer, but seeing that he would get none, he finally turned his back to Jun as he crouched down. “Get on.” He told him.
Jun blinked, but he said nothing.
“Get on.” The kid urged him. “I’ll carry you home.”
Though he appeared as thin, Jun knew he wasn’t that light, so he was worried. But he saw no other way out - he surely didn’t want to stay here all night long while his leg was starting to get swollen. So he slowly scooted closer to the kid, hissing with every motion he made as he circled his neck around the kid. The kid slowly straightened his body, hands secured around Jun’s thighs to make sure he wouldn’t fall, and then he slowly started to make his way out of the forest. Turned out Jun didn’t stray that much from the road - it embarrassed him that he really thought of the possibility of a beast lurking, while it took less than ten minutes to get back to the road. He buried his face on the kid’s shoulder, breathing in his sweet, vanilla scent, and then he quietly sobbed in relief.
The kid let him cried, only stopping to fix their position once in a while and asking Jun’s address while he was at it.
They arrived at Jun’s home very late, and the moment Jun’s parents saw him, his mother has shrieked and immediately pulled Jun away from the kid’s back; her mother shrieked once more when she saw his swollen leg, and thanks to that Jun started crying out loud because his mother scared him, in a way. His mother told him that he’d be fine then, and she immediately called a personal doctor, and Jun was being placed on the sofa in the living room, with his sister trying to ease the swelling by putting lots of ice on it. The kid that helped him was seated on another couch; he looked tired and beaten, his hands trembling as he sunk on the sofa, but he still answered the question that Jun’s father shot him. “I found him in the forest.” The kid answered; his voice soft and composed for a kid his age. “It seems his brake wasn’t working - his bicycle was completely broken.”
Jun’s father thanked him for bringing Jun’s home, and then they called his parents to get him. Jun kept on watching the kid, and how he looked so tired and sleepy he almost fall asleep on Jun’s couch. When he almost did, Jun finally found his voice and asked, “What’s your name?”
It surprised the kid, it seems, because he was ready to fall asleep. But the kid sleepily smiled, and he said, “I’m Ohno Satoshi. Nice to meet you, Jun-kun.”
Ohno Satoshi. Jun’s eyes sparkled at the name, and the way the kid addressed him. He realized then that he wanted to befriend this kid, and he didn’t care how, but he must.
Satoshi’s parents came not so long after, his mother’s lips pulled into a deep frown upon seeing Satoshi asleep, even more when they found out that Satoshi was wounded too; the back of his legs was bleeding, probably from too much walking. Jun’s parents thanked and apologized for so many time as they took Satoshi away, and his parents said it was okay, but then Jun’s eyes found Satoshi’s father eyes, and he was positive that Satoshi’s father’s eyes said this,
You are a trouble.
And maybe he was.
Ever since then, they both became friends. When Jun was able to walk on his own again, he went back to the forest and easily found a small lake not too far from where he fell before. Satoshi was there, staring at nothing on the edge of the lake with his legs dipped on the clear water, and he looked entirely surprised, and also pleased, when he saw Jun approaching him. “I love being here.” Satoshi’d say. “Everything is so peaceful.”
Jun wasn’t sure why a kid his age would need to be somewhere peaceful, but he wasn’t going to complain if that means he’d be able to see Satoshi. They met up every day after school in the lake; they talked about lots of things, about schools, about their hobbies - sometimes they’d even brought food and pretended like they were on a picnic, giggling like it was their secret.
When they got older, Jun decided that it’d be better if they enrolled to the same school, and Satoshi agreed, and both managed to get into an elite school, which probably why there were no protests from Satoshi’s parents. His father still looked at Jun weird whenever he visited their house, but then again he was there to each Satoshi about their lesson, and so, Satoshi’s father said nothing whenever Jun showed up. Things were peaceful in their junior high school days, but it got a lot more twisted in their high school days.
Because they changed.
They were still close to each other, sure, but Jun could feel the change in their feelings. He noticed that Satoshi has grown beautifully; even though he was a man, his feature was round and soft, emitting this kind of warm and reassuring glow whenever he was around. His skin was white and smooth, his brown eyes innocent, his chubby cheeks rosy, and his pink lips would always curled up in a gentle smile. Jun realized, however, that he wasn’t the only one noticing his changes - the girl in his classes said that Satoshi was ‘cute’, and the guys said that Satoshi was ‘beautiful’. Jun hated that so much, so he tried to stick close at Satoshi as much as possible, showing everyone that he owned him, even though Satoshi was older than him. This brought so much hate towards him - that, and adding with the way he himself has grown up into a fine man he was, made lots of guys disliked him and his ‘arrogant’ attitude. He got into a fight a lot, mostly with upperclassmen, and somehow or another Satoshi would always be caught up in the middle. The worst they’ve done was kidnapping him to threaten Jun, and Jun didn’t hesitate - he beat everyone up even though Satoshi told him not to, just because they have the nerve to actually drag Satoshi around and tied him up with a rope and leaving him with a nasty mark of rope around his flawless skin.
In the end, he had to transfer school, and he was banned from Satoshi’s home - for the time being.
Being away, however, only made them more insistent in seeing each other. They even skipped school once just so they could take a trip around the city - Satoshi called it as a ‘trip’, but Jun secretly called it as a ‘date’. They held hands whenever they could, and seeing how Satoshi was blushing, Jun was almost positive that he felt the same way.
Which was further proven when he kissed Satoshi on the lips, and Satoshi had shyly kissed back.
“That was my first.” Satoshi said back then, and Jun nodded.
“I know.” He said. “And I’ll be your first in everything.”
Satoshi’s eyes sparkled pleasantly, and he shyly asked for one more kiss.
And Jun had every intention to make it true - he’d be Satoshi’s first in everything. He was Satoshi’s first love, his first kiss… and when he was eighteen, finally eighteen, he had asked Satoshi to come over to sleep at his place when his family was out on a trip, and Satoshi had willingly let his virginity being taken by Jun. It was wonderful - and also awkward because it was their first - and they cuddled afterwards, in which Satoshi whispered, “I really like you, Jun-kun.”
“Me too.” Jun replied, fingers tracing Satoshi’s cheeks lovingly. “I really like you too.”
And as he embraced him that night, Jun also thought that he’d marry Satoshi one day, that he’d literally be his first, and also last, in Satoshi’s everything.
But then they went to separate college - Jun with his business course and Satoshi with his passion towards art.
And there, he met Sho.
“Nice to meet you, my name is Sakurai Sho.” Sho had said as he shook Jun’s hand firmly.
If only he knew that later on, this man would take everything away from him.
If only.
***
Jun held the gun tightly on his hands.
He stared at the shiny black gun, fingers tracing the trigger fascinatedly, almost as if he was seeing a masterpiece, or a code he was trying to crack open. The gun was fully loaded, six bullets in it, and Jun knew because he loaded them himself. As if satisfied, he put the gun down on his table, not too far from his reach, and he reached out for his whiskey instead, gulping his third glass of it for the night, before throwing the glass to the wall. The sound of it shattering against the wall didn’t make him flinch; if anything, it only annoyed him more. His apartment was still deafeningly silent, and even though the scent of the whiskey was thick on the air, he could almost feel something more, a certain scent that lingered around.
Satoshi’s scent.
He was here before - a day ago, or maybe just an hour ago, or perhaps a few minutes ago - Jun wouldn’t know, because the moment Satoshi left this room, time has completely stopped for him. It has slowed down before - when Satoshi married Sho, his time slowed down, to the point it felt extremely painful to go through the days, knowing that what he wanted was at someone else’s hands, imagining someone else touching his Satoshi, another pair of hands caressing that soft skin of his; the images was so vivid in his head and at night he barely could sleep. How many times did he woke up in his bed, sweating and gasping because he dreamed that Satoshi was being taken away from him - only to realize that it was real? There was no good in sleeping, and there was no good in being awake either. But he barely stayed alive because he could still see Satoshi - because there was still a hope for him.
Because whenever he reached out for Satoshi, Satoshi would still accept him.
Jun used to think that it was because he still loved him; of course he would, they’ve been together for years after all. Jun was literally Satoshi’s first in everything, and they loved each other, and he knew that even though Sho married him, he would never get Satoshi to fall in love with him. Satoshi’d choose him - there were years of gaps between them, and Sho’d never be able to reach that, or created something equally even as that.
One thing he didn’t realize though, that when his days have gone agonizingly slow, and when he was struggling with himself, Sho has tried his best. He really was something, that man. In a way, he always managed to outdone him; it was like that too before, in the college. Sho was way smarter than him; he was kind, outgoing, nice - even Jun loved to be around him. Sho was, for him, someone to look up to, someone he was so proud to be friends with.
And that kind of Sho would never back down - he knew that Sho’d do everything to make Satoshi fall in love with him. He was married to him, and that was a big advantage. All the time they spent together without Jun knowing - what kind of sweet words he whispered to Satoshi’s ears at night? What kind of promises he made to Satoshi as they make love?
And how would Satoshi ever going to resist him?
He knew it was bound to happen - for Satoshi to finally fall in love with Sho was something predictable. Something that he could foresee, like seeing the gray sky and knowing for sure that it was going to rain soon. But Jun was stubborn, and he liked to believe that Satoshi was never going to disappoint him, that Satoshi would somehow managed to keep his love for Jun only. That was why, when Satoshi visited him in his apartment, Jun’s heart swell with hope.
Though, it was very short lived.
There was something different; Satoshi was…changing. Not physically, of course. Physically, he was as beautiful as ever, as enticing as ever - but he wasn’t as fragile as he used to be. Satoshi looked calm, composed, and daring; for a moment, Jun was tempted to ask, ‘Who are you?’ but of course, that’d be stupid. He was Satoshi. Not the old Satoshi, but still Satoshi.
“Jun.” Satoshi’s voice brought him back to reality, “Don’t.”
He didn’t get it at first - it wasn’t like he was doing anything. But then he realized that he had reached out, his arms already wrapped around Satoshi’s lithe body, and he was about to hug him tight, to embrace him, but Satoshi stopped him, and his rejection scared him.
He suddenly understood why he was here.
Slowly, he let go. Jun walked inside, Satoshi following closely behind him and closing the door for him. The room was silent but from Jun’s soft padding against the carpet; he flopped down on the couch, not bothering to tell Satoshi to at least have a seat - he’d do so if he wanted to, and now, with the way Satoshi was standing instead, he knew that Satoshi didn’t want to shorten the distance between them. “I appreciated it.”
Satoshi looked at him, his eyes shining with curiosity as Jun shrugged, “For coming.” He said. “I thought you’d never come - most people would be too cowardly to do so.”
Satoshi eyes glazed for a moment; he was staring at Jun, but it was almost like he was staring at somewhere else, far away. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“As much as I didn’t deserve losing you.” He said; Satoshi immediately tensed, but he wasn’t going to go there - yet. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable enough before he said what he needed to say. “So, how was it?”
“What?”
“After I left you. Did Sho get angry? Did he banish you from his life? Did he hate you for kissing another man at his house, at his couch?”
Satoshi bit his lower lips as he shifted on his feet. “Quite the contrary.” He said quietly. “He let me go.”
“He did?” Jun asked, not bothered to hide his joy.
“I told him everything.” Satoshi continued; he was picking on the loose strand on his sleeve like he wanted to get rid of it, and Jun wanted him to stop, but unable to find his voice. “I told him about my love to you, about the masquerade party, about our secret kiss at another party - I told him everything, without hiding anything.”
“And he let you go?”
“He did.” Satoshi answered carefully. “He did. He forgave me. He let me go.”
“So then -“
“But I can't.”
For a moment, Jun forgot how to breathe, because those words were enough to destroy everything. There was rage, all of sudden, and Jun was glad that Satoshi kept their distance, for if he was close enough, Jun was afraid he was going to hurt him. He stood, slowly, menacingly, his anger bubbling under his skin, ready to blow up anytime soon.
Sadly, Satoshi looked like he was ready for it.
“I don’t understand.” He had said then, because he really didn’t. “I don’t understand, Satoshi.”
“But you have to.” Satoshi insisted sadly. “You have to understand.”
“But I can’t!” He screamed. “Give me a reason - why?! You don’t even like him! You don’t even love him!”
“It’ll happen. It’ll happen soon.”
Jun stared at him like he was some kind of an alien, a something that Jun couldn’t even begin to understand; his eyes stared hard at Satoshi’s expression, hoping that he’d receive a hint from his expression, something that he could hold on to.
He found none.
“It’s me.” Jun started. “It’s me, Satoshi. It’s me, your Jun.”
“I know.”
“I’m your first in everything.”
“You are.”
“I’ve always loved you. I’ve always treated you right. I’ve never hurt you - and never will.” His eyes were getting blurry now, and some tears escaped to his cheeks as he marched towards Satoshi, grabbing him roughly on his shoulder as he shook him, as if trying to snap him, as if trying to bring the old Satoshi back. “Why did you punish me, Satoshi? What did I do wrong? Is it not enough? My love for you, is it not enough?”
“You did nothing wrong.” Satoshi started sobbing as he clutched on Jun’s shirt, his fingers curling on the soft fabric. “You loved me right, Jun. You did everything right.”
“Then why -“
“But I can’t leave him!” Satoshi cut him off, and he sounded so broken that Jun was afraid that Satoshi would eventually disappear, so he only held him tight. “Sho-chan knew - he knew that I still loved you, and he forgave me! He forgave me for kissing you, for thinking about you every time, for thinking that he was raping me when we had sex - I told him everything, and yet he forgave me, he still love me!” Satoshi was shaking him now, as if begging for Jun to understand. “He still loves me, Jun!”
Jun stared blankly at him; a part of him wanted to say that it was something to be expected from Sho - Sho was so passionate, and when he loved, he’d give you everything that he owned; you could basically trampled him, and he’d still love you nevertheless. Sho was weird that way. Jun was going to tell Satoshi that if Sho forgave him, then there was nothing that hold him back anymore, that they could get together because Sho had, simply, forgave him.
But he saw how Satoshi, despite his tears, looked determined, and he suddenly understood. “He still loves you.” He repeated.
“Yes.” Satoshi replied in a strained whisper. “Despite everything that I had done, he still loves me, Jun, and I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t leave someone that loves me that much, someone that are willing to sacrifice almost everything just so I could be happy.”
“So you’re going to stay with him even though you don’t love him? You’re going to let yourself adapt into everything that you don’t like just for him?”
“This is my punishment.” Satoshi answered instead. “This is my punishment, Jun, and I’ll live this way - I’ll stay with him, and I won’t have it any other way.” He breathed in, “And love, eventually, happened.”
Jun blinked, and another drop of tears fell. “You’re already in love with him.”
Satoshi exhaled, as if he has been holding his breath back ever since he entered his room. “It’s different.” Satoshi said. “I’ll never forget the way you love me - the way you did so perfectly without even trying. I’ll never find anyone else like you, and I’ll never love anyone else like I did towards you. I’ll still love you.” Satoshi lifted his hands, and Jun let him wiped his tears, his touches felt like a feather brushing against his moist cheeks. “And no one is going to take it away. I’ll still look at you and think about how much I love you, and it’ll still continue on - this feeling will stay, forever.”
“And you deserved that.” Jun said tiredly as he pulled away from his touch. “You deserved that kind of pain.”
“I do.” Satoshi replied sadly. “I do.”
“And you’re saying that we deserved this punishment? Me to live without you, and you to live with someone else…” He shook his head. “That you’d eventually love. I don’t see where the punishment is on your part.”
“The punishment…” Satoshi said, his voice quietly mingled in the dark, “…was for me to lose you, and knowing that someday, you’ll do the same thing - you’ll fall in love with someone else, too.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“You said that now.” Satoshi smiled, and Jun desperately wanted to wipe that smile from his face - he didn’t want to see it. It was too painful. “But you’ll understand someday.”
“Leave.” Jun finally told him. “Leave me alone.”
Satoshi looked like he wasn’t going to; for a moment, he stayed there, his eyes showed how worried he was for Jun. But Jun hated it; the pity, the worry - to hell with those shit. He yelled at him once more, telling him to leave, and almost reluctantly, Satoshi finally moved towards the door and left.
He never looked back.
And his time stopped, and it almost like he himself had stopped being a person named Matsumoto Jun. Something inside him die; he was dead already, and only this body, this container, held him in. This body carried on too much weight, too much pain, and Jun wanted to be released from it all. He didn’t want to stay anymore.
He took the gun again, and slowly, he stood from the couch he was seated before, and he moved to his bedroom. He locked the door, and then, it was total darkness. But even with the darkness, Jun made his way towards his bed just fine, and he sit on the edge of it. He let his eyes wandered in the darkness, knowing that once he pulled the trigger, this kind of darkness would welcome him; he’d be wrapped tightly inside them, and he would never have to worry about anything anymore. He wouldn’t have to think about Satoshi anymore.
He put it against his temple, and he exhaled.
It’d be easy.
Before he pulled the trigger, though, he let all his memories flowed out, like a bird that has been trapped inside a cage for too long and has been longing for an escape. He remembered the way Satoshi laughed, the way Satoshi would whisper how much he loved him into his ears, the way Satoshi caressed him, the way he smiled widely when Jun told him that he wanted to live together with him - the unbelievably perfect creature that God has ever created.
And to know that God had took him away from Jun’s life made him angry, and with everything in his, he hoped when he died, he’d have a chance to meet God, and ask him why he brought Satoshi to his life when he’d just snatch him away later on.
But to meet him; he’d have to do this.
He took another deep breath, and then he let it out, and his heartbeat calmed down.
And I hope you’re happy, and that you won’t regret any of your choices that bring us down to this.
“Hey.”
Jun’s eyes snapped open, and he was surprised to see the room brightly lit.
He was even more surprised to see someone else standing in front of him.
“Nino.” He breathed out. “Nino?”
“Yeah.” Nino shifted to one of his legs, and he stuffed his hands into his pocket. “Breakfast’s ready.”
“Breakfast?” Jun wondered out loud. “What do you mean - what?”
“Breakfast is ready.” Nino repeated, slowly, and then he turned around, leaving Jun dumbfounded in his room. Jun stared at his retreating back in confusion, and then he looked at his hands.
The gun was still there, and it was still fully loaded.
He looked at the windows, and indeed, the sky has turned brighter, while he swore that when he was about to shoot himself, it was somewhere around midnight. He was terribly confused - did he fall asleep somewhere in the middle of it? Or was he just so tired with everything and was just a step away from plunging into the darkness that he had seen things to be completely covered in dark?
He needed an answer, so he immediately scrambled to his feet and went out of his room.
Nino was in the dining room; he was busy preparing their ‘breakfast’, and Jun watched him warily - he still couldn’t comprehend what was happening here and why, out of all people, Nino’d be here.
“I have your keys.” Nino explained without him asking to; probably it was shown in his face that he was really confused. “And you wouldn’t open the door for me no matter how loud I called for you, so I let myself in.”
“I locked the door of my room.” Jun whispered, “Do you have the key for my bedroom too?”
But Nino shook his head. “You don’t lock it.”
“But -“
“Really, you don’t.” He insisted as he poured the milk from the carton into one of the glasses. “I walked in easily, and you’re there, daydreaming with a gun in your hands.”
“I was planning to kill myself.”
“Figured.”
“I am still going to do it.” Jun said then, his grip tightening around the gun. “So, just take your breakfast away and leave -“ His eyes fell to the variations of sandwich being prepared on the table, and his words fell short.
Sandwiches.
“Oh-chan made this.”
Jun froze. “Wh - what?”
“He called me last night.” Nino eyed him for a while, before he continued on his task on preparing the table; this time he put the carton of milk away, and was now choosing a few of the sandwiches for him to eat. “He was rather frantic when he called me; he said he chose Sho-chan, and he came to tell you that, but you’ve been so distant, in denial of everything, and he was afraid that you’d do something awful.” Nino glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, especially at the gun on his hand, and then he shrugged. “So I told him that I’d check on you in the morning, and he told me to come to his place before visiting you, in which he gave us a box full of sandwiches. When I came, Sho-chan was there, standing behind him, and do you want to know how did he look like?”
Jun didn’t want to know, but Nino didn’t give him any option anyway. “He looked miserable. Scared. Unsure. Lost. He stared at Oh-chan like he was going to leave anytime soon, that he was going to change his mind and run to your place. And he’d stay that way, probably. He’d be scared for the rest of his life, until…”
“Until?” Jun pressed before being able to stop himself.
“Until you let go.” Nino said strongly. He turned to face Jun, and he saw how hard his expression was - like Nino was fed up with him, with everything. Maybe he was. “It’s time for you to let Oh-chan go.”
“I am going to let him go!” Jun countered angrily. “Until you disturb me -“
“Do you really think that you’re doing him a favor by killing yourself?!” Nino’s voice rose as he slammed the table. “Yes, you’d be completely gone from their love life but that’d mean that Satoshi would never, ever, stop thinking about you! He’d be guilty for the rest of his life, he’d blame himself, and he’d probably kill himself too! And then Sho-chan would be desperate, and who knows what he might be doing? With you killing yourself, you’re only going to hurt Oh-chan even more and that is the most awful, the most selfish thing you can ever do!”
The silence that followed after that was thick. Jun stared at Nino without blinking; he was trying, desperately trying, to grasp everything that he had said. When he finally did, with his snail-paced mind, he was immediately embarrassed. He was embarrassed by his stupidity, by his selfishness - what Nino had said was completely right; how could he even thought of killing himself? It’d make everything easier for him, sure, but how would Satoshi ever manage to go through the days with the thought that Jun killed himself because of him? If he killed himself, then that would mean he was killing Satoshi along with him, and god, he couldn’t do that. Satoshi was so vibrant with live - he was alive, and Jun couldn’t take him away. He couldn’t do that.
Nino’s gaze suddenly softened as he approached him with baby steps. “J.” He called out his nickname, and Jun looked up obligingly. “Give it to me.”
Jun wanted to ask what, but then he realized that Nino must’ve meant the gun. His grip tightened around the gun, feeling the cold metal around his palm for another moment, before then it finally loosened and he slowly gave it to Nino. Nino took it for him, and in front of him, he unloaded the guns; the silver bullets fell to the floor with a soft, resounding sound, and with each drop, Jun felt like he was being forgiven. Like he was being freed from the despair that he created by himself.
Once the gun was empty, Nino gave it back to Jun. “Keep it as a memento.” He said when Jun looked at him curiously. “A reminder that you almost killed yourself, but choose not to. A reminder that you’ve won.”
Without the bullets, the gun felt lighter, almost like a toy. Jun placed it on the table, his eyes were staring at it for a while, before then he finally looked up with a small smile. “I’m hungry.”
“Yeah.” Nino said with a warm smile. “Me too.”
They both take a seat then, and after moving the sandwiches to his plate, he began to eat. The sandwich felt heavenly in his mouth, and the image of Satoshi making it with all his love made his eyes watered. His tears stopped without any way to stop it, and in front of him, Nino started to laugh.
“You crybaby.”
And probably he was, but even so, he didn’t mind.
He won.
***
Years later.
Satoshi.
How’s life? I hope it’s good, for it is what I pray for every night before I go to sleep next to my husband, Nino. My life is good. Every day is tiring, fulfilling, and Nino will never let a day pass without his sarcastic view of the world; but I think that’s what keeps me alive.
Satoshi.
Each day I find myself falling even deeper for him, and I wish that’s how it is for you too. I hope every day, you’ll find yourself falling even deeper for Sho, to the point that you’re drowning, willingly so, because if you don’t, then you’ll know what I’ll do.
Satoshi.
Nino treats me right. He loves me in that twisted way of his. And I hope Sho treats you right too in that pure way of his. Him and his big heart. Him and his gentleness that could melt anyone under his touch.
Satoshi.
I’m happy, and I hope you’re happy too. I really hope so. Because if you don’t, then no one will be able to stop me from coming to you. No one will be able to stop me from saving you; not even Sho, not even Nino, not even my common sense. Because this feeling for you will never die; I still love you. I really do. Tell Sho not to be jealous, because this is something unavoidable. Tell him that if I were given a chance to go back, I’ll still choose to love you, and perhaps I’ll even fight for you. But time doesn’t work that way - we can only move forward now, and you’ve chose him, and in return of your choice, I chose someone else. We’ve made our choices, and we are going to live with it. No regrets. Earlier, we both said that it was our punishment. But now, I don’t think it is. I think it’s a blessing to live this way.
Satoshi.
If there ever come a time when you’re lost, please hold on to this:
I love you. I love you in the most perfect, the most right way. Remember that no matter what, my love for you will still be there. It’s not as passionate as before, not as burning as before, but it’s still there. A small, eternal fire that will never goes out.
Satoshi.
Be happy.
PS: Aiba-chan’s wife will give birth soon. Please come back to Japan.
- Jun -
Satoshi folded the letter and he placed it on top of his beating heart as he gazed to the sky; his feet, which were dipped in the cold water of the lake, started swaying, splashing water everywhere, but he didn’t care. He hummed pleasantly as he watched the sun slowly headed to it bed, getting ready to fall asleep; soon, it’d be too dark to be out here, and he should probably headed back to the cottage soon, but he was too lazy to do so. He was waiting, waiting, until he heard the familiar rustle of someone walking through the thick grass, and his smile got even wider.
“Satoshi.” Someone called, and soon, a pair of strong arms was wrapped around his waist. “Let’s go home.”
Satoshi looked at the sky, at the orange sky of Germany, and he said, “Sho.”
“Yes?”
“I want to go back to Japan.”
Sho didn’t immediately answer; way back then, Satoshi has done something like this too - he asked Sho to move out. “Anywhere would be fine.” He had begged. “I just want to start it all over - let’s live together, just the two of us.”
Surprisingly, Sho agreed. Without caring about his work, about his family, about his social status, he asked for his friend’s helps who lived in Germany, and in less than a year, both moved out to that country. Away from everyone else. Both families has been really angry, sure, especially Sho’s father, but Sho assured him that it’d be okay. Sho held his hand tight when they were seated side by side in the airplane, lips tracing Satoshi’s knuckles gently, and Satoshi knew that he had made the right choice. Satoshi was selfish, sure, but Sho loved his selfish self. Him and his perfect selfishness. And in return, Satoshi could only do this: loving him. Loving with all his might. Giving him all the love he deserved for loving his selfishness, his flawed self. He gave him everything but a small fragment of his heart, a small fragment in which his love for Jun had crystalized, shining brightly in the corner of his heart. There to be remembered, to be cherished, to remind him that once, he was loved in the most perfect, the most right way by someone else, and that he was loved again by a different person, in a perfectly different but equally perfect way.
And now, he waited. Actually, he didn’t have to ask - he knew what Sho’s answer would be.
“Let’s go home.” Sho whispered to his ears. “Let’s go home, love.”
And Satoshi smiled.
He would never reply to this letter. He would come back to Japan, and he’d show Jun the answer.
Here I am and my choice.
And then there is you and your choice.
And I know we’ve made the right choices.
Or maybe we didn’t, and everything was a mistake.
But look at us now.
We’ve made it right.
Masquerade | Masquerade - Cracking | Masquerade - Crumbling
Pairing: Juntoshi, Yama, and also...
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes, to choose is a punishment. But sometimes, it is also a blessing.
Disclaimer: Nope. Only own the plot, that's all.
A/N: AAAANDDD ITS OVER XD Gah, it's a super long chapter! I think this is the longest chapter I've ever made...maybe, I don't really remember LOL But thanks a lot for those that have been requesting for this to be made. It has been fun writing this! Once again, thank you! And I hope you'll enjoy the way this story ended! Comments will be loved!
Jun met him a long time ago, when he was still this tiny kid with messy teeth and a voice that’d make anyone cringe if they ever heard it.
He had strayed from the path; the brake on his bicycle was broken, it seems, and sadly he has been speeding up down the lane, only to find out that he wasn’t able to stop. He steered left, out from the road and into the forest, his bicycle going wild, and then it finally hit a big rock and Jun fell from his bicycle. He was mostly fine - his bicycle was completely broken, but he didn’t care because it seems his leg was broken too. It was twisted in a very strange way, like someone had tried to squeeze something out of it, and he laid there, in the middle of nowhere, unable to find his voice because he was too shocked. The sun was slowly setting in the distance, the night approaching, and Jun felt a tight lump forming on his throat as he heard some rustling - what if it was some animal out to get him?
The rustling came closer, closer, closer, and Jun closed his eyes and whimpered in both pain and fear.
But instead of a growl of a beast, he heard someone greeted him instead, “Are you okay?”
He opened his eyes, and there, standing in front of him, was an older kid; he was chubby, with brown hair falling across his face, and his skin was so white it seemed to glow in the dark. His brown eyes were staring at Jun in a worried expressions as he kneeled in front of him; his fingers gingerly touched Jun’s face, softly getting rid of the dirt on his cheeks, before then he turned to stare at his legs. “Does it hurt?”
Jun couldn’t answer - he was too stunned, both from the beauty of the kid in front of him and from the actual shock of falling from his bicycle from earlier. The kid was waiting for his answer, but seeing that he would get none, he finally turned his back to Jun as he crouched down. “Get on.” He told him.
Jun blinked, but he said nothing.
“Get on.” The kid urged him. “I’ll carry you home.”
Though he appeared as thin, Jun knew he wasn’t that light, so he was worried. But he saw no other way out - he surely didn’t want to stay here all night long while his leg was starting to get swollen. So he slowly scooted closer to the kid, hissing with every motion he made as he circled his neck around the kid. The kid slowly straightened his body, hands secured around Jun’s thighs to make sure he wouldn’t fall, and then he slowly started to make his way out of the forest. Turned out Jun didn’t stray that much from the road - it embarrassed him that he really thought of the possibility of a beast lurking, while it took less than ten minutes to get back to the road. He buried his face on the kid’s shoulder, breathing in his sweet, vanilla scent, and then he quietly sobbed in relief.
The kid let him cried, only stopping to fix their position once in a while and asking Jun’s address while he was at it.
They arrived at Jun’s home very late, and the moment Jun’s parents saw him, his mother has shrieked and immediately pulled Jun away from the kid’s back; her mother shrieked once more when she saw his swollen leg, and thanks to that Jun started crying out loud because his mother scared him, in a way. His mother told him that he’d be fine then, and she immediately called a personal doctor, and Jun was being placed on the sofa in the living room, with his sister trying to ease the swelling by putting lots of ice on it. The kid that helped him was seated on another couch; he looked tired and beaten, his hands trembling as he sunk on the sofa, but he still answered the question that Jun’s father shot him. “I found him in the forest.” The kid answered; his voice soft and composed for a kid his age. “It seems his brake wasn’t working - his bicycle was completely broken.”
Jun’s father thanked him for bringing Jun’s home, and then they called his parents to get him. Jun kept on watching the kid, and how he looked so tired and sleepy he almost fall asleep on Jun’s couch. When he almost did, Jun finally found his voice and asked, “What’s your name?”
It surprised the kid, it seems, because he was ready to fall asleep. But the kid sleepily smiled, and he said, “I’m Ohno Satoshi. Nice to meet you, Jun-kun.”
Ohno Satoshi. Jun’s eyes sparkled at the name, and the way the kid addressed him. He realized then that he wanted to befriend this kid, and he didn’t care how, but he must.
Satoshi’s parents came not so long after, his mother’s lips pulled into a deep frown upon seeing Satoshi asleep, even more when they found out that Satoshi was wounded too; the back of his legs was bleeding, probably from too much walking. Jun’s parents thanked and apologized for so many time as they took Satoshi away, and his parents said it was okay, but then Jun’s eyes found Satoshi’s father eyes, and he was positive that Satoshi’s father’s eyes said this,
You are a trouble.
And maybe he was.
Ever since then, they both became friends. When Jun was able to walk on his own again, he went back to the forest and easily found a small lake not too far from where he fell before. Satoshi was there, staring at nothing on the edge of the lake with his legs dipped on the clear water, and he looked entirely surprised, and also pleased, when he saw Jun approaching him. “I love being here.” Satoshi’d say. “Everything is so peaceful.”
Jun wasn’t sure why a kid his age would need to be somewhere peaceful, but he wasn’t going to complain if that means he’d be able to see Satoshi. They met up every day after school in the lake; they talked about lots of things, about schools, about their hobbies - sometimes they’d even brought food and pretended like they were on a picnic, giggling like it was their secret.
When they got older, Jun decided that it’d be better if they enrolled to the same school, and Satoshi agreed, and both managed to get into an elite school, which probably why there were no protests from Satoshi’s parents. His father still looked at Jun weird whenever he visited their house, but then again he was there to each Satoshi about their lesson, and so, Satoshi’s father said nothing whenever Jun showed up. Things were peaceful in their junior high school days, but it got a lot more twisted in their high school days.
Because they changed.
They were still close to each other, sure, but Jun could feel the change in their feelings. He noticed that Satoshi has grown beautifully; even though he was a man, his feature was round and soft, emitting this kind of warm and reassuring glow whenever he was around. His skin was white and smooth, his brown eyes innocent, his chubby cheeks rosy, and his pink lips would always curled up in a gentle smile. Jun realized, however, that he wasn’t the only one noticing his changes - the girl in his classes said that Satoshi was ‘cute’, and the guys said that Satoshi was ‘beautiful’. Jun hated that so much, so he tried to stick close at Satoshi as much as possible, showing everyone that he owned him, even though Satoshi was older than him. This brought so much hate towards him - that, and adding with the way he himself has grown up into a fine man he was, made lots of guys disliked him and his ‘arrogant’ attitude. He got into a fight a lot, mostly with upperclassmen, and somehow or another Satoshi would always be caught up in the middle. The worst they’ve done was kidnapping him to threaten Jun, and Jun didn’t hesitate - he beat everyone up even though Satoshi told him not to, just because they have the nerve to actually drag Satoshi around and tied him up with a rope and leaving him with a nasty mark of rope around his flawless skin.
In the end, he had to transfer school, and he was banned from Satoshi’s home - for the time being.
Being away, however, only made them more insistent in seeing each other. They even skipped school once just so they could take a trip around the city - Satoshi called it as a ‘trip’, but Jun secretly called it as a ‘date’. They held hands whenever they could, and seeing how Satoshi was blushing, Jun was almost positive that he felt the same way.
Which was further proven when he kissed Satoshi on the lips, and Satoshi had shyly kissed back.
“That was my first.” Satoshi said back then, and Jun nodded.
“I know.” He said. “And I’ll be your first in everything.”
Satoshi’s eyes sparkled pleasantly, and he shyly asked for one more kiss.
And Jun had every intention to make it true - he’d be Satoshi’s first in everything. He was Satoshi’s first love, his first kiss… and when he was eighteen, finally eighteen, he had asked Satoshi to come over to sleep at his place when his family was out on a trip, and Satoshi had willingly let his virginity being taken by Jun. It was wonderful - and also awkward because it was their first - and they cuddled afterwards, in which Satoshi whispered, “I really like you, Jun-kun.”
“Me too.” Jun replied, fingers tracing Satoshi’s cheeks lovingly. “I really like you too.”
And as he embraced him that night, Jun also thought that he’d marry Satoshi one day, that he’d literally be his first, and also last, in Satoshi’s everything.
But then they went to separate college - Jun with his business course and Satoshi with his passion towards art.
And there, he met Sho.
“Nice to meet you, my name is Sakurai Sho.” Sho had said as he shook Jun’s hand firmly.
If only he knew that later on, this man would take everything away from him.
If only.
***
Jun held the gun tightly on his hands.
He stared at the shiny black gun, fingers tracing the trigger fascinatedly, almost as if he was seeing a masterpiece, or a code he was trying to crack open. The gun was fully loaded, six bullets in it, and Jun knew because he loaded them himself. As if satisfied, he put the gun down on his table, not too far from his reach, and he reached out for his whiskey instead, gulping his third glass of it for the night, before throwing the glass to the wall. The sound of it shattering against the wall didn’t make him flinch; if anything, it only annoyed him more. His apartment was still deafeningly silent, and even though the scent of the whiskey was thick on the air, he could almost feel something more, a certain scent that lingered around.
Satoshi’s scent.
He was here before - a day ago, or maybe just an hour ago, or perhaps a few minutes ago - Jun wouldn’t know, because the moment Satoshi left this room, time has completely stopped for him. It has slowed down before - when Satoshi married Sho, his time slowed down, to the point it felt extremely painful to go through the days, knowing that what he wanted was at someone else’s hands, imagining someone else touching his Satoshi, another pair of hands caressing that soft skin of his; the images was so vivid in his head and at night he barely could sleep. How many times did he woke up in his bed, sweating and gasping because he dreamed that Satoshi was being taken away from him - only to realize that it was real? There was no good in sleeping, and there was no good in being awake either. But he barely stayed alive because he could still see Satoshi - because there was still a hope for him.
Because whenever he reached out for Satoshi, Satoshi would still accept him.
Jun used to think that it was because he still loved him; of course he would, they’ve been together for years after all. Jun was literally Satoshi’s first in everything, and they loved each other, and he knew that even though Sho married him, he would never get Satoshi to fall in love with him. Satoshi’d choose him - there were years of gaps between them, and Sho’d never be able to reach that, or created something equally even as that.
One thing he didn’t realize though, that when his days have gone agonizingly slow, and when he was struggling with himself, Sho has tried his best. He really was something, that man. In a way, he always managed to outdone him; it was like that too before, in the college. Sho was way smarter than him; he was kind, outgoing, nice - even Jun loved to be around him. Sho was, for him, someone to look up to, someone he was so proud to be friends with.
And that kind of Sho would never back down - he knew that Sho’d do everything to make Satoshi fall in love with him. He was married to him, and that was a big advantage. All the time they spent together without Jun knowing - what kind of sweet words he whispered to Satoshi’s ears at night? What kind of promises he made to Satoshi as they make love?
And how would Satoshi ever going to resist him?
He knew it was bound to happen - for Satoshi to finally fall in love with Sho was something predictable. Something that he could foresee, like seeing the gray sky and knowing for sure that it was going to rain soon. But Jun was stubborn, and he liked to believe that Satoshi was never going to disappoint him, that Satoshi would somehow managed to keep his love for Jun only. That was why, when Satoshi visited him in his apartment, Jun’s heart swell with hope.
Though, it was very short lived.
There was something different; Satoshi was…changing. Not physically, of course. Physically, he was as beautiful as ever, as enticing as ever - but he wasn’t as fragile as he used to be. Satoshi looked calm, composed, and daring; for a moment, Jun was tempted to ask, ‘Who are you?’ but of course, that’d be stupid. He was Satoshi. Not the old Satoshi, but still Satoshi.
“Jun.” Satoshi’s voice brought him back to reality, “Don’t.”
He didn’t get it at first - it wasn’t like he was doing anything. But then he realized that he had reached out, his arms already wrapped around Satoshi’s lithe body, and he was about to hug him tight, to embrace him, but Satoshi stopped him, and his rejection scared him.
He suddenly understood why he was here.
Slowly, he let go. Jun walked inside, Satoshi following closely behind him and closing the door for him. The room was silent but from Jun’s soft padding against the carpet; he flopped down on the couch, not bothering to tell Satoshi to at least have a seat - he’d do so if he wanted to, and now, with the way Satoshi was standing instead, he knew that Satoshi didn’t want to shorten the distance between them. “I appreciated it.”
Satoshi looked at him, his eyes shining with curiosity as Jun shrugged, “For coming.” He said. “I thought you’d never come - most people would be too cowardly to do so.”
Satoshi eyes glazed for a moment; he was staring at Jun, but it was almost like he was staring at somewhere else, far away. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“As much as I didn’t deserve losing you.” He said; Satoshi immediately tensed, but he wasn’t going to go there - yet. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable enough before he said what he needed to say. “So, how was it?”
“What?”
“After I left you. Did Sho get angry? Did he banish you from his life? Did he hate you for kissing another man at his house, at his couch?”
Satoshi bit his lower lips as he shifted on his feet. “Quite the contrary.” He said quietly. “He let me go.”
“He did?” Jun asked, not bothered to hide his joy.
“I told him everything.” Satoshi continued; he was picking on the loose strand on his sleeve like he wanted to get rid of it, and Jun wanted him to stop, but unable to find his voice. “I told him about my love to you, about the masquerade party, about our secret kiss at another party - I told him everything, without hiding anything.”
“And he let you go?”
“He did.” Satoshi answered carefully. “He did. He forgave me. He let me go.”
“So then -“
“But I can't.”
For a moment, Jun forgot how to breathe, because those words were enough to destroy everything. There was rage, all of sudden, and Jun was glad that Satoshi kept their distance, for if he was close enough, Jun was afraid he was going to hurt him. He stood, slowly, menacingly, his anger bubbling under his skin, ready to blow up anytime soon.
Sadly, Satoshi looked like he was ready for it.
“I don’t understand.” He had said then, because he really didn’t. “I don’t understand, Satoshi.”
“But you have to.” Satoshi insisted sadly. “You have to understand.”
“But I can’t!” He screamed. “Give me a reason - why?! You don’t even like him! You don’t even love him!”
“It’ll happen. It’ll happen soon.”
Jun stared at him like he was some kind of an alien, a something that Jun couldn’t even begin to understand; his eyes stared hard at Satoshi’s expression, hoping that he’d receive a hint from his expression, something that he could hold on to.
He found none.
“It’s me.” Jun started. “It’s me, Satoshi. It’s me, your Jun.”
“I know.”
“I’m your first in everything.”
“You are.”
“I’ve always loved you. I’ve always treated you right. I’ve never hurt you - and never will.” His eyes were getting blurry now, and some tears escaped to his cheeks as he marched towards Satoshi, grabbing him roughly on his shoulder as he shook him, as if trying to snap him, as if trying to bring the old Satoshi back. “Why did you punish me, Satoshi? What did I do wrong? Is it not enough? My love for you, is it not enough?”
“You did nothing wrong.” Satoshi started sobbing as he clutched on Jun’s shirt, his fingers curling on the soft fabric. “You loved me right, Jun. You did everything right.”
“Then why -“
“But I can’t leave him!” Satoshi cut him off, and he sounded so broken that Jun was afraid that Satoshi would eventually disappear, so he only held him tight. “Sho-chan knew - he knew that I still loved you, and he forgave me! He forgave me for kissing you, for thinking about you every time, for thinking that he was raping me when we had sex - I told him everything, and yet he forgave me, he still love me!” Satoshi was shaking him now, as if begging for Jun to understand. “He still loves me, Jun!”
Jun stared blankly at him; a part of him wanted to say that it was something to be expected from Sho - Sho was so passionate, and when he loved, he’d give you everything that he owned; you could basically trampled him, and he’d still love you nevertheless. Sho was weird that way. Jun was going to tell Satoshi that if Sho forgave him, then there was nothing that hold him back anymore, that they could get together because Sho had, simply, forgave him.
But he saw how Satoshi, despite his tears, looked determined, and he suddenly understood. “He still loves you.” He repeated.
“Yes.” Satoshi replied in a strained whisper. “Despite everything that I had done, he still loves me, Jun, and I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t leave someone that loves me that much, someone that are willing to sacrifice almost everything just so I could be happy.”
“So you’re going to stay with him even though you don’t love him? You’re going to let yourself adapt into everything that you don’t like just for him?”
“This is my punishment.” Satoshi answered instead. “This is my punishment, Jun, and I’ll live this way - I’ll stay with him, and I won’t have it any other way.” He breathed in, “And love, eventually, happened.”
Jun blinked, and another drop of tears fell. “You’re already in love with him.”
Satoshi exhaled, as if he has been holding his breath back ever since he entered his room. “It’s different.” Satoshi said. “I’ll never forget the way you love me - the way you did so perfectly without even trying. I’ll never find anyone else like you, and I’ll never love anyone else like I did towards you. I’ll still love you.” Satoshi lifted his hands, and Jun let him wiped his tears, his touches felt like a feather brushing against his moist cheeks. “And no one is going to take it away. I’ll still look at you and think about how much I love you, and it’ll still continue on - this feeling will stay, forever.”
“And you deserved that.” Jun said tiredly as he pulled away from his touch. “You deserved that kind of pain.”
“I do.” Satoshi replied sadly. “I do.”
“And you’re saying that we deserved this punishment? Me to live without you, and you to live with someone else…” He shook his head. “That you’d eventually love. I don’t see where the punishment is on your part.”
“The punishment…” Satoshi said, his voice quietly mingled in the dark, “…was for me to lose you, and knowing that someday, you’ll do the same thing - you’ll fall in love with someone else, too.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“You said that now.” Satoshi smiled, and Jun desperately wanted to wipe that smile from his face - he didn’t want to see it. It was too painful. “But you’ll understand someday.”
“Leave.” Jun finally told him. “Leave me alone.”
Satoshi looked like he wasn’t going to; for a moment, he stayed there, his eyes showed how worried he was for Jun. But Jun hated it; the pity, the worry - to hell with those shit. He yelled at him once more, telling him to leave, and almost reluctantly, Satoshi finally moved towards the door and left.
He never looked back.
And his time stopped, and it almost like he himself had stopped being a person named Matsumoto Jun. Something inside him die; he was dead already, and only this body, this container, held him in. This body carried on too much weight, too much pain, and Jun wanted to be released from it all. He didn’t want to stay anymore.
He took the gun again, and slowly, he stood from the couch he was seated before, and he moved to his bedroom. He locked the door, and then, it was total darkness. But even with the darkness, Jun made his way towards his bed just fine, and he sit on the edge of it. He let his eyes wandered in the darkness, knowing that once he pulled the trigger, this kind of darkness would welcome him; he’d be wrapped tightly inside them, and he would never have to worry about anything anymore. He wouldn’t have to think about Satoshi anymore.
He put it against his temple, and he exhaled.
It’d be easy.
Before he pulled the trigger, though, he let all his memories flowed out, like a bird that has been trapped inside a cage for too long and has been longing for an escape. He remembered the way Satoshi laughed, the way Satoshi would whisper how much he loved him into his ears, the way Satoshi caressed him, the way he smiled widely when Jun told him that he wanted to live together with him - the unbelievably perfect creature that God has ever created.
And to know that God had took him away from Jun’s life made him angry, and with everything in his, he hoped when he died, he’d have a chance to meet God, and ask him why he brought Satoshi to his life when he’d just snatch him away later on.
But to meet him; he’d have to do this.
He took another deep breath, and then he let it out, and his heartbeat calmed down.
And I hope you’re happy, and that you won’t regret any of your choices that bring us down to this.
“Hey.”
Jun’s eyes snapped open, and he was surprised to see the room brightly lit.
He was even more surprised to see someone else standing in front of him.
“Nino.” He breathed out. “Nino?”
“Yeah.” Nino shifted to one of his legs, and he stuffed his hands into his pocket. “Breakfast’s ready.”
“Breakfast?” Jun wondered out loud. “What do you mean - what?”
“Breakfast is ready.” Nino repeated, slowly, and then he turned around, leaving Jun dumbfounded in his room. Jun stared at his retreating back in confusion, and then he looked at his hands.
The gun was still there, and it was still fully loaded.
He looked at the windows, and indeed, the sky has turned brighter, while he swore that when he was about to shoot himself, it was somewhere around midnight. He was terribly confused - did he fall asleep somewhere in the middle of it? Or was he just so tired with everything and was just a step away from plunging into the darkness that he had seen things to be completely covered in dark?
He needed an answer, so he immediately scrambled to his feet and went out of his room.
Nino was in the dining room; he was busy preparing their ‘breakfast’, and Jun watched him warily - he still couldn’t comprehend what was happening here and why, out of all people, Nino’d be here.
“I have your keys.” Nino explained without him asking to; probably it was shown in his face that he was really confused. “And you wouldn’t open the door for me no matter how loud I called for you, so I let myself in.”
“I locked the door of my room.” Jun whispered, “Do you have the key for my bedroom too?”
But Nino shook his head. “You don’t lock it.”
“But -“
“Really, you don’t.” He insisted as he poured the milk from the carton into one of the glasses. “I walked in easily, and you’re there, daydreaming with a gun in your hands.”
“I was planning to kill myself.”
“Figured.”
“I am still going to do it.” Jun said then, his grip tightening around the gun. “So, just take your breakfast away and leave -“ His eyes fell to the variations of sandwich being prepared on the table, and his words fell short.
Sandwiches.
“Oh-chan made this.”
Jun froze. “Wh - what?”
“He called me last night.” Nino eyed him for a while, before he continued on his task on preparing the table; this time he put the carton of milk away, and was now choosing a few of the sandwiches for him to eat. “He was rather frantic when he called me; he said he chose Sho-chan, and he came to tell you that, but you’ve been so distant, in denial of everything, and he was afraid that you’d do something awful.” Nino glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, especially at the gun on his hand, and then he shrugged. “So I told him that I’d check on you in the morning, and he told me to come to his place before visiting you, in which he gave us a box full of sandwiches. When I came, Sho-chan was there, standing behind him, and do you want to know how did he look like?”
Jun didn’t want to know, but Nino didn’t give him any option anyway. “He looked miserable. Scared. Unsure. Lost. He stared at Oh-chan like he was going to leave anytime soon, that he was going to change his mind and run to your place. And he’d stay that way, probably. He’d be scared for the rest of his life, until…”
“Until?” Jun pressed before being able to stop himself.
“Until you let go.” Nino said strongly. He turned to face Jun, and he saw how hard his expression was - like Nino was fed up with him, with everything. Maybe he was. “It’s time for you to let Oh-chan go.”
“I am going to let him go!” Jun countered angrily. “Until you disturb me -“
“Do you really think that you’re doing him a favor by killing yourself?!” Nino’s voice rose as he slammed the table. “Yes, you’d be completely gone from their love life but that’d mean that Satoshi would never, ever, stop thinking about you! He’d be guilty for the rest of his life, he’d blame himself, and he’d probably kill himself too! And then Sho-chan would be desperate, and who knows what he might be doing? With you killing yourself, you’re only going to hurt Oh-chan even more and that is the most awful, the most selfish thing you can ever do!”
The silence that followed after that was thick. Jun stared at Nino without blinking; he was trying, desperately trying, to grasp everything that he had said. When he finally did, with his snail-paced mind, he was immediately embarrassed. He was embarrassed by his stupidity, by his selfishness - what Nino had said was completely right; how could he even thought of killing himself? It’d make everything easier for him, sure, but how would Satoshi ever manage to go through the days with the thought that Jun killed himself because of him? If he killed himself, then that would mean he was killing Satoshi along with him, and god, he couldn’t do that. Satoshi was so vibrant with live - he was alive, and Jun couldn’t take him away. He couldn’t do that.
Nino’s gaze suddenly softened as he approached him with baby steps. “J.” He called out his nickname, and Jun looked up obligingly. “Give it to me.”
Jun wanted to ask what, but then he realized that Nino must’ve meant the gun. His grip tightened around the gun, feeling the cold metal around his palm for another moment, before then it finally loosened and he slowly gave it to Nino. Nino took it for him, and in front of him, he unloaded the guns; the silver bullets fell to the floor with a soft, resounding sound, and with each drop, Jun felt like he was being forgiven. Like he was being freed from the despair that he created by himself.
Once the gun was empty, Nino gave it back to Jun. “Keep it as a memento.” He said when Jun looked at him curiously. “A reminder that you almost killed yourself, but choose not to. A reminder that you’ve won.”
Without the bullets, the gun felt lighter, almost like a toy. Jun placed it on the table, his eyes were staring at it for a while, before then he finally looked up with a small smile. “I’m hungry.”
“Yeah.” Nino said with a warm smile. “Me too.”
They both take a seat then, and after moving the sandwiches to his plate, he began to eat. The sandwich felt heavenly in his mouth, and the image of Satoshi making it with all his love made his eyes watered. His tears stopped without any way to stop it, and in front of him, Nino started to laugh.
“You crybaby.”
And probably he was, but even so, he didn’t mind.
He won.
***
Years later.
Satoshi.
How’s life? I hope it’s good, for it is what I pray for every night before I go to sleep next to my husband, Nino. My life is good. Every day is tiring, fulfilling, and Nino will never let a day pass without his sarcastic view of the world; but I think that’s what keeps me alive.
Satoshi.
Each day I find myself falling even deeper for him, and I wish that’s how it is for you too. I hope every day, you’ll find yourself falling even deeper for Sho, to the point that you’re drowning, willingly so, because if you don’t, then you’ll know what I’ll do.
Satoshi.
Nino treats me right. He loves me in that twisted way of his. And I hope Sho treats you right too in that pure way of his. Him and his big heart. Him and his gentleness that could melt anyone under his touch.
Satoshi.
I’m happy, and I hope you’re happy too. I really hope so. Because if you don’t, then no one will be able to stop me from coming to you. No one will be able to stop me from saving you; not even Sho, not even Nino, not even my common sense. Because this feeling for you will never die; I still love you. I really do. Tell Sho not to be jealous, because this is something unavoidable. Tell him that if I were given a chance to go back, I’ll still choose to love you, and perhaps I’ll even fight for you. But time doesn’t work that way - we can only move forward now, and you’ve chose him, and in return of your choice, I chose someone else. We’ve made our choices, and we are going to live with it. No regrets. Earlier, we both said that it was our punishment. But now, I don’t think it is. I think it’s a blessing to live this way.
Satoshi.
If there ever come a time when you’re lost, please hold on to this:
I love you. I love you in the most perfect, the most right way. Remember that no matter what, my love for you will still be there. It’s not as passionate as before, not as burning as before, but it’s still there. A small, eternal fire that will never goes out.
Satoshi.
Be happy.
PS: Aiba-chan’s wife will give birth soon. Please come back to Japan.
- Jun -
Satoshi folded the letter and he placed it on top of his beating heart as he gazed to the sky; his feet, which were dipped in the cold water of the lake, started swaying, splashing water everywhere, but he didn’t care. He hummed pleasantly as he watched the sun slowly headed to it bed, getting ready to fall asleep; soon, it’d be too dark to be out here, and he should probably headed back to the cottage soon, but he was too lazy to do so. He was waiting, waiting, until he heard the familiar rustle of someone walking through the thick grass, and his smile got even wider.
“Satoshi.” Someone called, and soon, a pair of strong arms was wrapped around his waist. “Let’s go home.”
Satoshi looked at the sky, at the orange sky of Germany, and he said, “Sho.”
“Yes?”
“I want to go back to Japan.”
Sho didn’t immediately answer; way back then, Satoshi has done something like this too - he asked Sho to move out. “Anywhere would be fine.” He had begged. “I just want to start it all over - let’s live together, just the two of us.”
Surprisingly, Sho agreed. Without caring about his work, about his family, about his social status, he asked for his friend’s helps who lived in Germany, and in less than a year, both moved out to that country. Away from everyone else. Both families has been really angry, sure, especially Sho’s father, but Sho assured him that it’d be okay. Sho held his hand tight when they were seated side by side in the airplane, lips tracing Satoshi’s knuckles gently, and Satoshi knew that he had made the right choice. Satoshi was selfish, sure, but Sho loved his selfish self. Him and his perfect selfishness. And in return, Satoshi could only do this: loving him. Loving with all his might. Giving him all the love he deserved for loving his selfishness, his flawed self. He gave him everything but a small fragment of his heart, a small fragment in which his love for Jun had crystalized, shining brightly in the corner of his heart. There to be remembered, to be cherished, to remind him that once, he was loved in the most perfect, the most right way by someone else, and that he was loved again by a different person, in a perfectly different but equally perfect way.
And now, he waited. Actually, he didn’t have to ask - he knew what Sho’s answer would be.
“Let’s go home.” Sho whispered to his ears. “Let’s go home, love.”
And Satoshi smiled.
He would never reply to this letter. He would come back to Japan, and he’d show Jun the answer.
Here I am and my choice.
And then there is you and your choice.
And I know we’ve made the right choices.
Or maybe we didn’t, and everything was a mistake.
But look at us now.
We’ve made it right.
Masquerade | Masquerade - Cracking | Masquerade - Crumbling