Looking for An Answer (Chapter 1)
Title: Looking for An Answer
Pairing: Yama, but mostly its Gen
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: Pg-13
Betaed by: gurajiorasu
Summary: He was gone. For ever.
Warning: Character Death. And also a very heavy and dark theme, I guess
Disclaimer: Nope, I only own the plot D:
A/N: I KNOW I KNOW. I'm working on the epilogue, seriously XD But yeah, this just wouldn't leave my mind, I won't be rest assured till the first chapter was out, I guess, so here it is! Comments will be loved!
2 days before
Ohno Satoshi was beautiful.
Not many people would agree with him, sure. But for Sho, he truly was. People would mostly think that what you saw from Ohno was what you'd get, but it wasn't the case at all. Ohno was complex; he wasn't oblivious, let alone easy to read. His mind was a maze, a maze that went on and on and no one had been successful on figuring the way out. You could expect something new every time you turn around the corner - every day there'd be a new thing to unravel, to discover out of him. Ohno was unique that way. One day he'd be so painfully stupid, and one other day he'd be the smartest person on earth, with a different, broader, view of the world.
But everything that he was, was completely hidden under his calm, and soft-spoken self.
It took Sho years; years of peeling off Ohno's layer one by one with the patience that he didn't know he possessed, for Ohno to finally open up to him. Ohno did it slowly, letting his true self out bit by bit, before finally he could go on and on and talk about the universe with Sho, shooting questions that Sho couldn't even answer. But it made him feel special; he realized that Ohno didn't open up that way to the others - he opened up to them, sure, but it almost like he was pushing them towards a different path, in which everyone was shown a different side. That would mean that Sho wasn't the only one that Ohno thought as 'special', but Sho didn't mind, really, because they were Arashi, and Sho could never bring himself to have any negative thoughts toward any of them.
And then, somewhere along the nights spent listening to Ohno's view about the world, Sho realized that he had fallen in love with him.
Maybe it was the way Ohno talked in a roundabout way without a clear subject or object; maybe it was the way Ohno got so riled up sometimes that he ended up using his hands to help him explain; maybe it was the way Ohno got so serious all of sudden, eyebrows knitted and face stoic with soft spoken words. Or maybe it was the way he'd plop on his stomach on the floor as he talk, or the way he'd snuggle against Sho whenever the cold from the floor was getting too much to bear. Or maybe, it was the way he smiled, the way his eyes would peer up at Sho, twinkling, shining in all his innocence; the way that he touched Sho sometimes in a rather intimate way, "Just to make sure." Ohno once breathed, warm against his Adam’s apple. "Just to make sure that you're here."
And Sho'd collect him, hugging and cradling him like he was fragile to ensure him that he was here, and Ohno would thank him.
He didn't need any assurance. He didn't need any definition about their relationship (or maybe the lack of it). He was happy this way, spending time with Ohno, and being the only one that got to hear his secrets.
So that day, when Ohno asked him to come over to his house, Sho had agreed, thinking that it'd be just like any other night.
Sho drove; they had a takeout at the ramen restaurant near Ohno's home, which they quickly dug out in hunger once they arrived at Ohno's home. The atmosphere was light, the conversation flowed normally, and they joked a bit here and there as they washed the used plates. Ohno pulled out a pack of beer then, heading to the living room, and as if he was in a trance, Sho followed. He watched Ohno sat on the small space between his sofa and coffee table, but tonight, Sho was more interested in the training bag lying next to the couch. "You're going somewhere?" Sho asked as he settled beside Ohno on the floor.
"I'll be night fishing for Arashi ni Shiyagare." Ohno answered lightly as he pulled the table until it touched Sho's chest, successfully trapping them between the sofa and the coffee table.
"I thought you are supposed to create something for your segment."
“I am. I’ve created the fishing rod, and now I'll try using it to fish...what’s the name again..." Ohno scratched his nose, giving up, and he took a can of a beer and uncapped it. "Some kind of legendary fish, I guess."
"Isn't the weather kind of bad these days?" Sho voiced out his worries as he mimicked Ohno; he took a can of chilled beer, uncapped it, and then he took a few sips from it. "Watched it on news - a storm might be coming our way, and since you're the unbeatable ame-otoko -"
"We're just going to fish around Tokyo Bay." Ohno cut him off; he took a big gulp of his beer, and then he reached out for a pack of cigarette in the table. "We won't be going too far - we'll probably finish around 6 am or something, so don't worry. Got any lighter?"
Sho pulled out the lighter from his pocket and he lit Ohno's cigarette; Ohno mumbled a quiet thank you, and then he slowly took a deep drag from it, almost as if he was sipping a soda. They watched the TV quietly, and after a cm about diapers came up, Ohno suddenly said, "This reminds me of Matsujun."
"Ah, you mean his CM with Goon?"
"Yup." Another long, slow drag. "He looked like he'd be a good father."
"Definitely." Sho agreed.
"Had a talk with Nino about it before. I told him that I wanted a kid, but I don't want a wife to tag along. He said they'd come in one package, and I said no. In the end, he said that my kid would be dying without a mother, because I am not capable in taking care of myself, let alone taking care of a kid." He huffed out, and the smoke was out from his mouth in a rush. "But I'm doing well - I did the laundry all by myself!"
Sho smiled upon seeing the childish sulk in Ohno's face. He ruffled Ohno's hair, letting his fingers ran through the unkempt brown hair. "I know."
Ohno huffed yet again, and he flicked the cigarette, letting the ash fall into his ashtray. "And besides, Nino is stupid. I can have a kid without a wife. For example, I can adopt. Or I can kidnap someone else's baby. Or I can have sex with some random woman and got her pregnant and when she gives birth, I pay and take the kid and leave - I read that in the internet, and as cruel as it may seem, people do that." Ohno put the cigarette between his lips, letting it hanging limply, ash falling into the coffee table. "So, yeah. Conclusion: Nino is stupid."
"And that's coming from you?" Sho snorted in amazement; Ohno giggled and he smacked Sho's hand affectionately. "Oh shut up. For once, please let me be smarter than Nino." The smile stayed as Ohno dabbed his cigarette into the ashtray, turning it off. "But seriously, I want a kid. A boy, if possible."
"Why?"
"So that I can drag him around for a fishing trip and tell him to bring my lure box and if he complains, I'll tell him to ‘man up, dude’."
Sho grinned, because Ohno was grinning too, eyes twinkling mischievously as if he could see the scene playing out before his eyes - it was short lived though, for Ohno's eyes started drifting away, looking past the television. "But well, no. Mostly because I'm a man, and Nino might be right - I'm a bit helpless, and I don't think I know how to raise a girl properly without the help of a mother, in which I have no plan on having. I don't want to follow it, you know? The standard. Marrying a decent woman, having a baby, living in a small cute house until you're getting old and die together - that's boring, and I don't want that, though maybe that's what your parents would expect from you?"
"Yeah." Sho mumbled as he took another sip from his can. "Yeah, of course. There's an image that I have to maintain."
"Not yours though." Ohno said quietly, and Sho knew that he was true - it wasn't for him, but more because of his family. "Say, if I ask you not to follow it, will you?"
Sho stared at him. "It isn't really possible now, is it? Even more when we're being an idol -"
"We won't stay in this world forever. People would forget, and in the end, they'll leave you alone, so why bother doing what they want?" Ohno took another gulp, nearly finishing up all his beer. "Don't let them break you, Sho."
Sho stared at Ohno; the older man was hunched forward, resting his cheek on the cold surface of the table, his warm breath making the table got a bit foggy. "Satoshi-kun." Sho whispered as he set his drink aside. "Why are you suddenly talking about a kid?"
Ohno's eyes were closed, and yet he answered, "This might be a hunch, or just me being silly, but in all honesty, I can't imagine myself actually having a kid. I want it, but it seems so foreign, so out of place, like I wasn't destined for it - like I'd probably ended up alone, or maybe I'd die first before having one. But god, I really want one, Sho. It'd become a proof - a proof that Ohno Satoshi was alive once. The kid would carry a fragment of me into the future and I... I want that. Do you get me?"
"No." Sho answered in all honesty, but to be honest, he was scared. He knew that Ohno was intoxicated, and whenever he did he'd get so chatty, but tonight it was different. Ohno suddenly turned into a stranger in front of him - and out of instinct he grabbed Ohno's arm, just to make sure that he was here, and he wasn't going anywhere. "You're not going to die."
"Don't be naive - we all will." Ohno replied quietly.
"Yeah. But not now - maybe years from now, but not now." He insisted. "Okay?"
Ohno blinked, and his lips stretched into a thin smile. "Okay."
And what made tonight more different than ever was that suddenly, Sho was getting impatient. It was like he couldn't not touch him anymore; all of a sudden he needed an assurance; he needed to know that Ohno loved him too, and that he'd stay. The tight grip on Ohno's arm slowly loosened; his other hand reaching to touch Ohno cheek, bringing his face up from the coffee table. Ohno quietly followed; he nuzzled Sho's hand, almost like a habit. When their faces were close, Ohno tilted his head, waiting, and Sho was the one that closed the distance.
And they kissed.
Their lips simply brushed against each other, and Sho could already taste the mix of beer and cigarette on Ohno's lips, though he didn't dare to do anything more - it was almost like Ohno was savoring the moment right now, and so, he waited. It wasn't long until Ohno finally opened his mouth shyly, and the kiss finally got deeper. The taste of beer and cigarette were even stronger now, but there was something more; a sweetness that lingered, a sweetness that Sho couldn't quite place, and yet loved so much. A sweetness that uniquely belonged to Ohno.
It was sweet and warm.
Their lips slowly parted, but Sho rested his forehead against Ohno's; savoring, basking, and loving. Ohno's fingers reached up, his fingertips gracing Sho's cheeks, and then he whispered, "It's time for you to go home."
He opened his eyes right when Ohno pulled away from him. He watched as Ohno took another can of beer, opened it, and then started sipping from it like nothing had happened, like the kiss didn't take place just now. Sho swallowed, suddenly feeling bitter, and he asked, "Why?"
"Because it's late already." Ohno chuckled. "Look, it’s past 11, and I need to sleep because I have to leave early tomorrow."
"So it wasn't..." Sho mumbled. "It wasn't because of the kiss?"
Ohno stared at him, a smile playing on his lips as he said, “The kiss was nice."
Sho felt like that was enough as an answer. He pushed the coffee table away, enough for him to slip from the space between the sofa and the table, and then he stood, body looming over Ohno as he said, "I'll wait for you."
Ohno tilted his head up. "Hmm?"
"When you got home, let’s talk about the kiss." He spoke softly. "That is, if you want."
Ohno didn't skip a beat before answering. "Sure."
He headed towards the door then; Ohno followed him behind, and he stood quietly as Sho tie his shoe laces, but when he was about to leave, he suddenly blurted out, "You'll be a good papa someday."
"You think so?" Sho asked in a surprise.
"I won't know till I see it myself, but you'll become a good father; the kind that'll listen to his kid and encourage him no matter how stupid his dream would be - like working in a bakery."
"Working in a bakery isn't stupid."
Ohno grinned toothily at him. "See? That's what I meant."
This time, Sho understood. He chuckled, and he planted a kiss on Ohno's cheeks, before he opened the door and stepped outside. "Bye-bye."
"Goodbye, Sho-chan."
Later on, when he waited for the lift, Sho realized that Ohno had said 'goodbye' instead of his usual 'buh-bye'. But he brushed it off - Ohno was a bit tipsy after all, so maybe he slipped on his words. He went home with the unusual amount of happiness in his chest; somewhere, in the back of his mind, a voice warned him.
This happiness wasn't good, it said. Something was bound to go wrong.
But again, Sho brushed it off. He went to bed, wondering how lovely it would be to raise a kid with Ohno, and then he fell asleep like a baby.
***
A few hours after
Sho was being awakened roughly by stubby, cold hamburger fingers roaming all over his body.
He groaned, knowing that it was Nino anyway, and he didn’t even bother to wonder why Nino was here - Nino got everyone’s spare key, and he always used it as much as he pleased, and today was no exception. “Go away.” Sho mumbled to his pillow. “I need to sleep - I’m tired.” And that much was true - Sho was out all day yesterday, and he really needed the sleep, or else he might as well ended up as a walking zombie for today.
“And so do I, you idiot.” Nino replied hoarsely, voice thick with sleep. “But this is important - it’s urgent.”
“What’s so urgent?” Sho mumbled, but he was turning to finally face Nino, eyes squinting because of the blinding light, and he rubbed his eyes. “What is it, what happened?”
“I don’t know. But my manager kept calling me, saying that we need to come to the agency immediately. And your manager was begging me to fetch you up because you didn’t pick up your phone and he couldn’t get out of the building - there’s no car.”
“Why doesn’t he just use a taxi then?”
Nino huffed; he smacked Sho with his spare pillow, and while Sho was groaning and whining, he walked to the window, and he opened the curtain.
And Sho was greeted with a raging storm outside.
He blinked, said ‘oh’, and then he said, “Satoshi-kun was going fishing, you know.”
“I know.”
He looked at Nino, and he realized that Nino was pale, wet, and trembling, and he didn’t want to say it out loud. “How long has this storm been going on?”
“A few hours, maybe. I don’t know.” Sho glanced at the clock, and it was just a bit over 8 am. His mind forced itself to retrace his memory from two days ago, and he remembered that Ohno said that his filming should be over after 6 am. He looked back at Nino, and he didn’t found any trace of calmness.
He bit his lips. “How’s Satoshi-kun?”
“Can’t get through him. Can’t call his manager either. Jun is trying to call the staffs that went with him.”
“Nino.” Sho breathed. “Nino, God. Nino.”
“Shut up.” Nino whined. “Shut up shut up shut up. Go change your clothes. We’re going.”
Sho didn’t even need to be told twice; he grabbed the clothes from his closet without actually looking what it was that he took. He wore them without really caring that it fit well together or not. Nino gave him his coat, and Sho wore them, and then he grabbed his wallet and his phone, stuffing it to his jeans pocket, and then they were out. They tried using an umbrella, but the weather was really that bad, and by the time they got into Nino’s car, Sho was soaked and he was a bit glad for it because his face was washed thoroughly.
Nino sped up despite the bad weather and the chance of their car slipping was over the top and they might end up in an accident, but Sho couldn’t tell him to slow down. He couldn’t. His stomach was tightening painfully as he turned on his phone, calling the staff that he knew was there with Ohno; no one picked up, much to his frustration, and he peered at the radio. “Did you -“
“Don’t.” Nino stopped him, fingers tightening around the wheel. “If - something - I don’t want to hear it via radio.”
Right. Sho wouldn’t want it either. “But maybe nothing happened at all.”
“Then why the ‘urgent meeting’?”
“Maybe it’s someone else.”
“Did you really just wish for someone else in our agency to be the one that was in trouble or danger?”
Sho didn’t even stop to think. “Yes.”
Nino grinned, but it was so out of place, so tense, so nervous, so unlike Nino. “Me too. I hope it’s one of our old senpai. Anyone. Anyone but us.”
“How’s Aiba?” Sho suddenly was alarmed, because they didn’t talk about him before. “Isn’t there a chance of him relapsing or -“
“Aiba is fine.” Nino answered; they took a sharp turn, and the car slipped a bit, and Nino said ‘shit’, and Sho thought they were going to die, but then the car was back on the road. “He called me too earlier, all confused and worried, and he was heading to the agency too - he is probably already there.”
“So, it’s Satoshi-kun who’s left.”
“He’s probably on the way too.” Nino said, biting down his lips. “Or maybe it’s the signal. You know. The weather is bad. The signal must be bad too.”
“Yeah. It must be that.” But it was all just lip service; Nino needed it, and Sho needed it too as much as Nino. His mind wandered back to a few days ago, when he left Ohno in his house. He remembered his smile, he remembered -
He remembered him saying ‘Goodbye’.
Sho choked; Nino turned to him in a worry for a nanosecond, before his eyes were on the road again. “What?” He asked in agitation. “What is it?”
Sho opened his mouth, but he decided against it. If Nino knew - after all, it could be a mistake. Maybe Ohno slipped on his words; he did it a lot after all, slipping. And saying it out loud wouldn’t do any good for Nino; he needed Nino to drive them safely to their agency, and even though Nino was always level-headed, he knew how easy it was to make him snap like a branch. “My laundry.”
“Fuck you.”
“Yeah.” Sho stared at the storm that was sweeping through the city. “Fuck my laundry.”
They managed to get to their agency safely, somehow. Nino parked his car in the parking lot - though he could easily get into the basement, but none of them cared. They opened the door, letting the water swallow them, and when they got into the agency, people were staring at them; probably because they were leaving a small puddle with their every step. They hurried to the meeting room; Nino opened the door for him, and he went in, his eyes immediately scanning the room.
Aiba was there, sitting in the sofa and biting down on his thumb worriedly with a big, fluffy towel wrapped around his lanky body. Jun was walking back and forth with an agitated look on his handsome face, his smartphone on hands, and Sho knew he was trying to reach Ohno.
There was no Ohno.
Aiba looked up when they walked in, and he sighed deeply. “Oh, poor you.” He mumbled as he gave them towels that have been prepared on the table. Sho and Nino gratefully accepted it, and while Sho was taking off his coat to wrap himself in the towel, Nino strode towards Jun. “Well?”
“No one pick up.” He mumbled, his eyes wary and full of fear, and Sho wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t - couldn’t be like that.
“Where are our managers then?”
“Fuck, I don’t know!” Jun threw his phone to the floor, and Sho watched his iPhone 6’s screen smashed into pieces, and for a moment, Sho felt sorry for that inanimate object. “They just brought us to this room and told us to wait!”
“Maybe they told us to wait because Ohno wasn’t here yet.” Sho spoke calmly; that was the best he could do, because everyone was restless and worried, and so did he, but with Ohno gone, he was supposed to be the second-in-command, at least, until the older man come back. “So calm down. Maybe it was something else -“
“What else?” Jun cut him off. “What else could it be?”
“Maybe it’s our sales…?” Aiba chirped in weakly from the couch.
“We’re doing fine with the fucking sales and, if we don’t, they didn’t have to call us on a stormy day like this.”
“Maybe they did it for a joke.” Aiba added. “You know, since we’re Arashi…? Storm? ”
“If it is, I’m going to fucking rip their throat.” Jun spat.
Nino looked around, examining the room with his brown, sharp eyes, and then he announced, “I don’t think there’s a camera around.”
“Just please tell me that there is.” Aiba begged, all of sudden, as he pulled his legs to his chest, putting his head between his knees as his body started shaking. “Please.”
Nino looked at him. “There’s none.”
“Leave him alone, Nino.” Sho sighed; he sat down beside Aiba, and he wasn’t sure if Aiba wanted a hug now or not - Ohno was the one who was always able to determine that - so he just awkwardly patted his shoulder. “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry too much.”
But then the door went opened, and their managers walked in. Sho noticed that their faces were wet, but not because of rain.
It was with tears.
“So, everyone is here.” Sho’s manager started, his voice shaky and threatening to break.
“Not everyone is here.” Nino said sharply. “Oh-chan isn’t here.”
Sho’s manager pretended like he didn’t hear Nino; he looked down, his fingers balling into a fist, and then he said, “There’s something I’d like to tell you all.”
“Oh-chan isn’t here.” Nino insisted, his voice rose and rose in a panic because now he knew, just like the rest of them did.
“Yes, I know, Ninomiya-san. Thank you.” Sho’s manager looked at Nino with plea in his eyes, and a tear rolled down his cheek, down to his chin and fell to his striped shirt. “So, we have a bad news.”
“Oh-chan isn’t here!” Nino was screaming now. “YOU CAN’T START WITHOUT HIM!”
“Kazu, shut up!” Sho screamed back at him, because it was starting to get on his nerves, everything was. Nino looked up at him, as if challenging him if he was ready, ready to hear what the bad news was. Sho wasn’t, but they weren’t getting anywhere, and he already felt like he was going to throw up. “Sit.” He told Nino.
Nino glared at him; his body shaking with fury. Jun held him by the shoulders and he forcefully pushed him down to sit on the sofa, beside Aiba. Nino finally did, but even then he was still shaking, and Aiba immediately took the towel and wrapped it around Nino’s small body, and he held him tight, as if trying to keep Nino, or maybe himself, together. Jun sat beside Nino then, hands balling into a fist on his laps, and he was so tense, like he was ready to explode. Sho turned his face away from them, back to the managers, and then he nodded. “Go on.”
“Right.” Sho’s manager mumbled; he dabbed his handkerchief across his cheeks, drying it from any trace of tears. “We have a bad news.” He said; his voice was really heavy, like he had lived for more than a hundred years and he had gotten really tired and ready to pass away. “As you all might’ve known, Ohno-san was leaving for a filming since yesterday; the filming itself took place around the Tokyo Bay and was scheduled to end around 6 this morning.” His voice was getting shaky again, and he squeezed his handkerchief nervously. “But, there’s a storm.” He whispered that last part.
“There’s a storm.” Aiba repeated in tiny, barely audible, whisper. “And so? Where’s he now?”
“He’s back already.” Sho’s manager said, and Sho should be relieved, if it wasn’t for the tears that suddenly flowed out of his eyes, like a dam has been broken.
“If he’s back, then where is he?” Jun questioned tiredly. “Where is he now? Why isn’t he here?”
Sho’s manager couldn’t continue; he started sobbing, burying his face in his old, dull looking gray handkerchief, and he shook his head.
“Don’t cry.” Sho said; he had wanted it to come out as gentle, but instead it sounded cold and distant, like Sho could care less about his feelings. “Don’t cry - tell us.”
“He’s at the hospital.” This time, it was Jun’s manager that was speaking, and everyone turned his eyes to him. “He’s at the hospital right now; we’ve prepared the car, and we’ll take you there right away.”
“Is he dying?” Aiba asked; he sounded like he was ready to hyperventilate, or maybe he already did, Sho couldn’t tell. “What happened? Did he hurt himself?”
“No.”
“THEN WHAT IS IT?!” Nino screamed at the top of his lungs as he stomped his feet, like a kid throwing a tantrum. “Tell us, god damn it! Tell us!”
Jun’s manager let out a shaky breath, and the dreaded words came out.
“He passed away.”
Sho stared at him. He tried to understand, tried to let the word register to his brain, which seemed to be awfully hard to do because it just didn’t make sense.
The other day, he was kissing with Ohno.
It was soft and warm, so -
Someone screamed. Sho didn’t know who, but the shrill voice of it was enough to punch him in the gut. The words finally dawned on him. His body turned unbearably cold. He couldn’t breathe.
‘Goodbye, Sho-chan.’
***
8.20 (Thu)
Oh-chan: I’ll be leaving on a fishing trip today! Wish me luck!
J: Take care. Be careful not to get sick, we need to do a recording after you got back, remember?
Ma-kun: Aweee, isn’t Matsujun sweet?
Ma-kun: He meant he loves you, Oh-chan!
Oh-chan: I know.
J: I MEANT LITERALLY THAT. DON’T GET SICK.
Oh-chan: I know <3
J: UGH.
Sho-chan: Take care on your trip, Satoshi-kun! Make sure you do it right!
Oh-chan: It’s not MY fault if the fish doesn’t show up, just so you know.
Nino: You could at least TRY.
Oh-chan: I AM going to try!
Nino: Yeah? Promise you won’t blame the staff later?
Ma-kun: 100% sure he’s going to blame them later!
J: Yep.
Oh-chan: You guys just love me too much.
Nino: I do.
Ma-kun: I love you too! <3
J: Ugh.
Sho-chan: What the heck is wrong with our group?
Oh-chan: Gotta go! Buh-bye!
Today
J: Leader, where are you?
J: The storm.
J: Please tell me that you’re already done filming.
J: Answer my call.
Ma-kun: Oh-chan, please please please.
Ma-kun: Just answer, please. Even a sticker will do.
J: God damn it, leader.
J: Leader, where are you?
J: FUCK. ANSWER MY CALL.
Nino: Oh-chan.
Nino: Oh-chan, answer me.
Nino: Oh-chan, people are saying mean things about you.
Nino: They said you passed away. They said they’d take us to the hospital right now.
Nino: We’re in the car right now.
Nino: This is a joke, right? A sick joke. You’ll be waiting for us at wherever they’re going to take us right?
Nino: Oh-chan?
Prologue | Chapter 2