Stuff and Snippet of Black Orchid 2
Okay so....you all know by now, I think pretty much, that I have social anxiety issues among some other things. My way of compensating for that a lot of the time is by playing this game (although to me game is a misnomer, social communication platform might be better) called Second Life. The beauty of it is that you create yourself an avatar and you meet other people on whatever level you choose. I know the media makes it out to be all sex/drugs/and rock and roll and certainly there's plenty of adult oriented areas in SL and plenty of people looking to pixel bang but that's not all there is to it.
I look on the avatar creation part as an art form of a sort and you are not even limited to humanoid avatars but also, dragons or animals or whatever else floats your boat.
So that's the very limited background.
And, I date there. Recently, going on a month now, I broke up with someone. I tend to do this frequently enough that I'm not not so sure that only the "boys are dumb" argument applies and that there is also some fault in me that I can't see but yet makes itself known.
In any case, this one in particular was pretty special for a number of reasons, being that we were in the same age range (remember I am the Grand Unnie of them all after all and older than many people both on lj and online as a whole), had many common interests, a common background and so on and so forth. The sticking point became the aforementioned social anxiety issues where he was pressing for lets meet, lets meet and I knew from my experience with wanting so badly to see Tiff and Jenn and KB so badly and not being able to get there...that I just wasn't capable.
It dragged on for a while. Most of the last four weeks until finally this last week was the complete end and I had to unfriend him because even just seeing his name on my friend list made me cry like an idiot.
So, if some of you are wondering where in heck has Susan been, that's where. I'm ....I just don't even know what to say about this except that I suppose there is a part of me that likes being a hermit and doesn't want to make an effort to change.
It is a catch 22 however and one that is hard to work against.
It goes like this. I got online and I found a therapist who takes my insurance. Except social anxiety makes it virtually impossible to make an appointment because I've never called or been there before and I don't know my subconscious thinks the person will crawl down the phone and eat me or something. So I get my bro to call for me and make the appointment. But now I can't go to the appointment by myself because I'm too scared. So I have to get someone to take me at least the first time and usually several times after that. And so on and so on and so on. Eventually I get so frustrated with the whole process that it seems like the effort is too extraordinary to deal with and I go back and hide with relief in my hermit shell.
It took me ages, by this slow slow slow method to finally find a general practitioner I can go to and call by myself. And even so usually the night before an appointment I can't sleep and my stomach gets upset.
Soo....that's where my life is right now. So if you've been wondering where I was and was I okay, well sorta. I'm alive and healthy just very sad and frustrated and struggling with thing
I think I'm the only person who really does this but just fyi. When people ask me how I am I think they mean it literally. Like, if I ask you how you are, I really want to know, though sometimes I can be a bit ditzy about it. So, I often don't want to say okay, because okay implies everything's fine and sometimes or even a lot of times maybe it's not and that would be lying and so on and so on. But usually my complaints of whatever sort are just part of life kind of things and not anything major so I don't want to spend a bunch of time listing which makes me self conscious and probably you didn't really want to know that much information anyway.
So I say I'm hanging in. I always see in my mind's eye that picture of the kitten clinging to something and holding on for dear life when I say that.
Some of you will be happy to know that a villain has been chosen for Stardust but you won't find that out til the next chapter is out. Also, Siwon has been chosen to be one of the antagonists in Black Orchid and I swear on a stack of bibles he was picked before stjoan4eva came out with her positively chilling snippet for Camden Road last week. Eesh.
And because I love my flist and am grateful for everyone who reads my posts, fic or otherwise, here's a snippet from the next chapter of Black Orchid.
"I knew that already," Jinki answered dryly, glancing back to where his Mate, his Taemin stood waiting. "Was there something else?"
"Why are you standing there talking to that human?" Key answered. "You said you didn't 'do' humans any longer."
"He's not just any human," Jinki answered and despite how frustrating the situation was, he still felt a fresh gleam of joy at finally having found The One.
There was a long tense pause and then Kibum answered in the Old Tongue, using Jinki's birth name. Defiance, son of Storm of the Second House of Sangre Baxia, what in hell are you doing? He can't be...
Jinki answered the same way. He is. He is. Don't even think of trying to stop me. You know how long I've waited and searched. I need him.
Kibum growled, letting the sound roll off into a deep sigh. "Be careful, Jinki. You know how much Siwon would love to have another chance to call you to the Blood Court. He almost..."
"Fuck Siwon," Jinki hissed, interrupting his friend. "He may be the birthright leader of our Race but that's just an accident of fucking breeding. Ten minutes more and it would be me and not him and our People wouldn't be suffering the way they are now. I never forget our mothers were sisters and the last of the 1st House."
"He doesn't either, Jinki. He doesn't either."
Jinki made a rude noise and glanced aside to where Taemin was waiting with his body turned politely away to give Jinki's phone conversation privacy.. "Kibum, nothing is going to keep me from spending time with my Mate. So wish me well instead." Jinki's gaze slid down the slender graceful form of Taemin's body and landed on the slitted back of the sleek crimson trousers Taemin wore and his breath caught in his throat.
Kibum muttered under his breath. "No one in the last thousand years has been more well named than you, Jinki. Be careful. I wish you well."
"Goodnight," Jinki answered and clicked the button to let the call end. He let his thoughts dwell on his rival, his cousin and thorn in his side. The man was a devil as far as Jinki was concerned, and one of the primary reasons that Jinki lived as a virtual outcast of his Race. It didn't matter. It couldn't matter. Not tonight.