Serious Stuff Update
I find this so awkward to try to talk about this... and for a writer, I feel very very... lost for words really. I know it may seem as though I'm acting as though nothing is wrong... and that makes you wonder if something is really wrong at all.
I can only say that when bad things are happening to me, when bad things have happened to me in the past... I taught myself to focus on something else, something good or at least something distracting. I feel that for the most part, doing this keeps me from losing what I like to call my mind and hopefully from over reacting and acting inappropriately or whatnot.
It doesn't mean that I don't know that there's stuff wrong. I mean, I go to the Doctor, I have the responses to the medication and all that. I spend more time in bed and I'm having people nag me about things like wills and such...
But, I just can't think about it too hard. It's not that I don't face up to it, I do, I have... but when there's nothing to be done about a problem except endure it... then that's what I do... I endure it and put my attention elsewhere.
The situation with the cancer is not really getting better... I just want to prepare you all for that. And, because of all of the above... and because I'm the one living here with the pain and the worry and the random stuff that happens... I'm the one who is making the decisions about how to live ... for however long there is that I have.. and I'm choosing to focus on the stuff that makes me smile and not on the stuff that... doesn't.
I know it's probably hard to deal with... the way I tend to shut down parts of my life... I'm not shutting you out, so much as shutting myself in... there are things too that I find sometimes you just need to sit with... by yourself. I always say that I'm worrying about burdening others... and that is true... but sometimes also... to be quiet about something is the only way that I can absorb it. Don't you find that the things in life that hurt the most or are the scariest are the ones that you have to sit with by yourself...maybe after screaming and crying in the bathtub or eating a big dish of ice cream or .... whatever works for you to help you with it. Sometimes later you can talk about them... but sometimes not.
The truth is too that... there are people in my life pretty much driving me crazy... they don't mean to, but they do. Asking me what I want done .... if or when I die and ... as depressed as I have been, and as much as I have wanted to die on occasion for various reasons.... I don't want to be hounded about the what ifs right now.
So, if you're wondering why I'm always talking about Jinki and Taemin and SHINee and never talking about how sick I am... this is why. Plus, to be honest, being sick has been so much a part of my continuum of living for such a very long time... that this is just...more of the same and therefore in a sense irrelevant.
Sorry if this makes you upset or sad... I just... felt like I should say something.