Why am I here and why the hell does everything suck so much?
flocked - this is real life and ranty stuff so feel free to skip.
So, it took me a while as it usually does for it to dawn on me that I was depressed. Sometimes I have a blue day or two and then it passes. This is not passing and when I realize I'm depressed, that's when I also try to figure out what beyond the general background suckitude of my life is making me depressed.
I say that I have general background suckitude but it's stuff that really no one can fix and is not something I spend a whole lot of time thinking about other than trying to get through it with as much grace and happiness as I can. If you're wondering, I am referring to my general physical and mental health state mostly. Between them they are debilitating and ongoing and I guess I've made them a kind of endurance race and I'm damned if I'm going to get that stuff win.
But.
Now there's just more suckitude and it's just too heavy for me not to slow down.
I don't know where to even start. I guess the biggest thing is the concerts in NYC. If you've known me a while then you know that I have really almost unbearable anxiety issues when you plop me down in a group of people I've never met before. These issues can also prevent me from making phone calls or going to the doctor on a bad day. They prevented me making a trip to meet some of my best kpop friends in the flesh which is one of the stupider and more painful results. If you google anxiety attacks or anxiety disorder or whatever, you will find that often there's not a lot you can do about them. They spring partly from the subconscious and you can't really reason with it. IF you add PTSD which I also have, then they become just this other monster that I don't even know how to explain.
So I have a person in my life. For years now we've been the only "family" each other has had. It's not romantic though way back in another life it started that way. But it is loving and without him, my life would be unrecognizable if not actually over. I call him my brother. He is the only person I know of that I can ask to go with me to something that's as frightening as going to another fucking state in an area with thousands of strangers so I can go to a kpop concert.
So I did. He said he would take me but then he proceeded to really... I don't know how to describe it except he took all the fun out of it by not wanting to do it the way I wanted to do it so I could see my friends and just wallow in doing such a fannish thing for once. I'm tearing up when I think about it right now because it just was so disappointing and worse, it really hurt. In all the time I have known him, I have never asked him to take me on a vacation, take me away somewhere. I'm aware already that he does and has done a lot for me so I feel the least I can do is not ask for more.
But this was special. Maybe once in a life time to see Jinki and Taemin on stage even from hundreds of feet away - not in a fancam or video but for real. It meant so much to me and ...
And of course now people are saying that the free concert may be canceled or I don't know and I'm just so sick over it and I HATE being like this. I have friends who are going that I know I could go with, if only I wasn't some alien too scared to do anything.
I could probably buy tickets to SMTown ... maybe but D can't take me then and I can't go alone and I have not just anxiety but I am heavy and even though I'm dieting and trying to exercise more I'd just be a burden on anyone I could go with and well there's just nobody and I feel like I'm a teenager who can't go see her pop star crush. I never felt like this when I was a teenager, I was too busy trying to survive my Dad to think about pop stars and I never had any friends I could gush with, they would have thought I was stupid, or at least I thought they would.
So I'm sobbing here over this. And somewhere in the back of my head I feel like such an object of ridicule, a 47 year old woman crying over not seeing her kpop crush, it's a joke. But it's not, it hurts!
And there's other things. This whole last month has been nothing but one crazy fucked up thing after another. Lightning fries my network adapter and modem. Earthquake. Hurricane Irene. Modem died. Now there's flash flooding and things I should be doing and I just don't fucking care.
I'm sorry to be such a big baby but it helped a little bit to at least get this out. Thanks for reading if you did and know I treasure my friends, online or not.
So, it took me a while as it usually does for it to dawn on me that I was depressed. Sometimes I have a blue day or two and then it passes. This is not passing and when I realize I'm depressed, that's when I also try to figure out what beyond the general background suckitude of my life is making me depressed.
I say that I have general background suckitude but it's stuff that really no one can fix and is not something I spend a whole lot of time thinking about other than trying to get through it with as much grace and happiness as I can. If you're wondering, I am referring to my general physical and mental health state mostly. Between them they are debilitating and ongoing and I guess I've made them a kind of endurance race and I'm damned if I'm going to get that stuff win.
But.
Now there's just more suckitude and it's just too heavy for me not to slow down.
I don't know where to even start. I guess the biggest thing is the concerts in NYC. If you've known me a while then you know that I have really almost unbearable anxiety issues when you plop me down in a group of people I've never met before. These issues can also prevent me from making phone calls or going to the doctor on a bad day. They prevented me making a trip to meet some of my best kpop friends in the flesh which is one of the stupider and more painful results. If you google anxiety attacks or anxiety disorder or whatever, you will find that often there's not a lot you can do about them. They spring partly from the subconscious and you can't really reason with it. IF you add PTSD which I also have, then they become just this other monster that I don't even know how to explain.
So I have a person in my life. For years now we've been the only "family" each other has had. It's not romantic though way back in another life it started that way. But it is loving and without him, my life would be unrecognizable if not actually over. I call him my brother. He is the only person I know of that I can ask to go with me to something that's as frightening as going to another fucking state in an area with thousands of strangers so I can go to a kpop concert.
So I did. He said he would take me but then he proceeded to really... I don't know how to describe it except he took all the fun out of it by not wanting to do it the way I wanted to do it so I could see my friends and just wallow in doing such a fannish thing for once. I'm tearing up when I think about it right now because it just was so disappointing and worse, it really hurt. In all the time I have known him, I have never asked him to take me on a vacation, take me away somewhere. I'm aware already that he does and has done a lot for me so I feel the least I can do is not ask for more.
But this was special. Maybe once in a life time to see Jinki and Taemin on stage even from hundreds of feet away - not in a fancam or video but for real. It meant so much to me and ...
And of course now people are saying that the free concert may be canceled or I don't know and I'm just so sick over it and I HATE being like this. I have friends who are going that I know I could go with, if only I wasn't some alien too scared to do anything.
I could probably buy tickets to SMTown ... maybe but D can't take me then and I can't go alone and I have not just anxiety but I am heavy and even though I'm dieting and trying to exercise more I'd just be a burden on anyone I could go with and well there's just nobody and I feel like I'm a teenager who can't go see her pop star crush. I never felt like this when I was a teenager, I was too busy trying to survive my Dad to think about pop stars and I never had any friends I could gush with, they would have thought I was stupid, or at least I thought they would.
So I'm sobbing here over this. And somewhere in the back of my head I feel like such an object of ridicule, a 47 year old woman crying over not seeing her kpop crush, it's a joke. But it's not, it hurts!
And there's other things. This whole last month has been nothing but one crazy fucked up thing after another. Lightning fries my network adapter and modem. Earthquake. Hurricane Irene. Modem died. Now there's flash flooding and things I should be doing and I just don't fucking care.
I'm sorry to be such a big baby but it helped a little bit to at least get this out. Thanks for reading if you did and know I treasure my friends, online or not.