Hmm
Nobody reads this anymore because I've basically abandoned this motherfucker, but for some reason I decided to write in this shit today.
Let's see...
Senior year is alright.
I'm happy with friends.
But not with everything else.
I get constant headaches. Almost daily. Migraines.
Everyone is changing...everything is changing...I have no problem with that, but I do. Does that make sense?
I wish it was today, last year. I would've been happy then.
I've been very hopeless lately. Cursing myself for decisions I took, wanting to turn back time, wanting to recover what...I never had.
I swallowed my pride, and went for it, and got shot back down. It's horrible, really.
Yet, I can't keep myself out of it.
I keep coming back, like a little sick puppy, I keep coming back. Pathetic.
I turned the best thing I had into a cheap imitation of it, into something that doesn't even come remotely close to what it could've been.
I fucked things up badly.
I am so fucked up.
I keep thinking about the cause of it all -- FEAR.
And now, I laugh at myself and my stupid justification, my stupid reason, my stupid explanation.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I was selfish, the biggest hypocrite. Still am, actually.
I've tried for the longest time not to care. I've tried to hide what I felt, and for a while I was perfecting the art of pretending. I'm pretty sure suspicions were small, and nobody noticed it, not even me. Or I chose not to notice, I chose to block it out, I chose to ignore it.
But I can't no longer.
I can't when all I do is think about it every single fucking minute.
When I'm driving, my insides hurt, my thoughts are preoccupied, and I'm scared someday I'll crash because I'm not paying attention to the road.
I never thought it would get to this...I never thought I would get to this. This is all new to me, it scares the shit out of me, and hurts me like no other.
I knew it would hurt, but the pain is undescribable. It's insanely wrong for someone to go through this, and I just happen to be "one more"...but then again, I desserve it, for doing the same shit to somebody else...
When I look at myself in the mirror, I can't help but just stare. Stare at myself, the person who has made so many mistakes in so little time, the person who fucked up someone else's life with a couple of words and without taking into consideration their feelings, the person who was such a coward and wasn't able to fess up to her own feelings, the person who's insides are bruised and broken because of situations I've put myself into.
It's incredible how many things I have found out about myself in just a couple of days.
I always thought I knew...oh, hell, I didn't know shit. I have fallen hard, and for some reason, I think I will never be over it. I've tried for the longest time, but it has not worked. So, like many others out there, I'm gonna have to just live with it. Maybe if I tell myself I'm okay long enough, I'll begin to believe it. Maybe.
Yesterday was so hard on me. I was so selfish, needing something I could never have, wishing for something I already lost.
Yesterday...I wanted to scream my lungs out.
I've never felt so lost, and so hopeless, like I did yesterday.
I thought I knew what was going on, and oh boy, was I wrong.
Unpredictable. Completely unpredictable.
NO! As much as I try, I can't fucking read you. And believe me, darling, I try. God, I try so fucking much.
It's so hard knowing. I think I would've been better off not asking, not knowing, not feeling.
I used to pride myself in my apathy, and it seems, I have lost it. Completely. As much as I try to not care, the more I do. Is that fucking normal?
I hate the way things are, but I can't say anything. Oh God, no. If I did, I would lose the little I barely have. And that...would kill me inside.
But I will give myself, my whole self, because that is all I can do. Take it babe, and do whatever, because that is what you usually do.
So now, all I can say is I'm sorry, and I love you.
I've loved you for the longest time, and I can't stop loving you even if you kept breaking my heart every single day.
Some day you will know how fucking sorry I am. Some day you will know the truth. Some day you will forgive me. And some day, when you kiss me, you will remember.
But not today. Not tomorrow.