[Oneshot] Hope.
Title: Hope
Author: addicted_tvxq
Pairing: Changmin, bits of YunJae, Suminchun friendship & Homin friendship
Length: One-shot
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Things were falling apart after the lawsuit. Changmin is trying to move forward, but Yunho is falling behind. Changmin needs help, but who could he turn to in times like this? In times like this, family comes first.
HOPE.
It went from weeks to months, and Yunho figured he could handle it. But he was tired of this shit, he was tired of having to pretend like things were going to be fine and that there was nothing out there to really hurt them.
He didn't have to worry about protecting five anymore, just himself and Changmin, but Changmin didn't need him, he stood up fine on his own after the news of the lawsuit hit. Changmin continued through the day like things were fine and he's never seen his dongseang shed a tear, he couldn't do it. He couldn't fucking cry.
So he ended it. He ended what he thought they had all along, their friendship and the love that he felt for the other for six fucking years and what did he get? A fucking lawsuit that cut through him, to their team and everything about it tore him apart.
He didn't drink, he only drinks a few times when he's out with friends. He comes home late every night, rarely sees Changmin and moves forward despite all the shit and pain going on around him. He knows how they look at him when he goes into the company every day, he knows what the others are saying about it and he moves on, like it's not really happening.
Hell, if they can do it, so can he. The other is acting and doing his own drama, the other is singing in some musical and the other part of him member is taking all these photo shoots and exposing himself that he thought were for his eyes and his eyes only. He didn't need this shit, he had enough.
"Hyung, talk to me."
He opened his eyes to look at Changmin who still stood by him regardless of what an asshole he's been, and looked around the room, did he do all this shit?
The mirrors around the room were broken, the walls had his fist marks everywhere, chairs broken and everything looked like a hurricane broke into their room and tore everything apart.
"Hyung, were you drinking again?"
Yunho looked at the empty bottles on the ground and tried to get up, but fell back, as Changmin picked him like he was a child and placed him on his bed, the only thing in the room that wasn't harmed by his stupid shit.
"Changmin, can you leave me alone for while?" He said, his voice cracking as he avoided looking at him.
"Hyung, you can't do this to yourself."
"Changmin, I mean it, just leave me alone."
"And what? You'll pretend like nothing is going on and continue doing this shit everyday?" Changmin yelled. "Fuck, Hyung, I'm tired too, you just can't do this shit anymore."
"No one is asking you to look after me." Yunho said, "I can do this on my own."
"By what, going on angry rampage in the house?" Changmin said, standing up and pointing around the room. "I know you're angry, Hyung, but you shouldn't be drinking around like this, Manager-Hyung -----"
"Fuck them." Yunho said, his head pounding so damn hard. "They can't do shit to me anymore, Changmin, after all, what would the media, our fans or how would they fucking think?"
Changmin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Hyung, we need them, I know it sounds ridiculous, but we need them right now."
"I don't need anyone."
Changmin looked at him, narrowing his eyes. "Really, considering the fact that you look like a piece of shit at this very moment."
Yunho ignored him and tried to get up, almost falling face down on the floor, when Changmin managed to grab hold of him before he could.
"Hyung, I can call Jaejoong--"
Yunho shoved Changmin away from him, hard enough that Changmin let go and smacked against the front of their closet.
"Don't ever say his fucking name, Changmin." Yunho said, glaring at him, feeling the throbbing ache in his chest again.
Before Changmin could even say a word, Yunho stumbled out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him.
----
"Changmin is here?" Junsu asked, looking surprised as he walked passed Jaejoong, and looked at the tall, skinny form sleeping on Jaejoong's black leather couch.
"Is he okay?" Yoochun asked, placing his hand on Changmin's forehead, checking for a fever. "Did something happen, Jae-hyung?"
Jaejoong could see that Junsu and Yoochun were more worried than surprised to see Changmin, it's been months since they've seen each other and they missed each other terribly, but there wasn't much that they could do, with their busy and conflicting schedules, they couldn't make the time to even see each other.
"I don't know what's going on." Jaejoong replied, closing the door behind him and placing the locks in their place." I came back from the grocery store and he just there, sitting on the doormat with his heavy duffle bag on his lap, and looked like he was nodding off to sleep."
"He still has some of them makeup gunk on his face." Junsu whispered, as he took out out a handkerchief from his pocket and gently wiped the makeup off of Changmin's face.
"Hyung, I'll go make some tea. " Yoochun said, still looking worried as he stepped into the kitchen.
Jaejoong sighed and walked over to his leather couch that was completely occupied by Changmin, he smiled to himself, his One-touch mate was definitely going to through a deep growth spurt. He was going to tease him about later, but he frowned, when he saw dark circles underneath his dongseang's eyes, was Changmin not getting enough sleep these days?
"Hyung, I-I'm kinda stuck here."
Jaejoong looked away from Changmin's face for a second, and realized that Changmin was now resting his head on Junsu's lap.
"It's okay, Junsu." Jaejoong said, patting his friend's shoulder. "He needs this, he looked like he hasn't been sleeping in days."
Junsu nodded, patting Changmin's head gently. "If Changmin's here, then do you think Yunho-hyung is going to be worried?"
Jaejoong bit his lip and could feel tears forming in his eyes. "Maybe, I really don't know what's going with..Yun--him these days, Junsu."
"Oh, I forgot, Hyung, I'm sorry." Junsu said, looking even more miserable than he was already feeling. "I won't say his name anymore."
"No. No. It's okay, Junsu." Jaejoong said, leaning over Changmin's sleeping form, to squeeze Junsu's hand and then letting go. "I have to move on sooner or later, right?"
"But you don't have to force yourself, Hyung."
If only it was easier said then done. Jaejoong thought to himself, he was capable of moving on if he was with a different a person that wasn't Yunho, but this was Yunho. His first love and just about his everything. But Yunho didn't want him anymore and was moving on fine without him, so why couldn't he? He was being stubborn and stupid, that's why. Pabbo, Jaejoong!
"I'm not, besides I have other things to worry about like taking care of you, Yoochun and Changmin." Jaejoong said, standing up. "I'm going to get a blanket for him."
Yoochun finally walked in with a tray of cups and Jaejoong's tea kettle, and began setting them up on the coffee table.
"Hey, Hyung." Junsu called out.
Jaejoong stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"
"Can you get me a blanket, too?"
Jaejoong smiled and nodded. "I'll get one for all of us."
---
He threw the bottle against the wall, and watched as the bottle broke into pieces of glass and the liquor splattered on the wall and on the floor.
He didn't have the desire to drink anymore, especially when he and Changmin had that argument, and he stormed out the door and then when he came back late that evening, Changmin was gone.
He went to their room, some of Changmin's clothes were missing and shoes as well. He found an envelope sticking out of his drawer and it was addressed to him.
"Hyung."
He tore it open, letting the envelope drop on the floor as he read Changmin's writing.
"I'm going to staying over at a friend's house for a while, until you cool down and get your shit together.
When you do, you know where to find me."
-Changmin
Yunho crumbled the paper and threw it in the waste basket. He was going to apologize and treat Changmin out to dinner, well, so much for that plan, then why would he want to continue being around a piece of shit like him?
He stepped out of the room and went to the cabinet, and opened to empty shelves that usually were filled with Changmin's food cravings. He slammed it shut and went to his side of the cabinet, he went through the empty ramen noodle cups and came in contact with the glass of alcohol.
He took them out, taking a deep breath and began throwing them against the wall, one by one.
---
Strange, how he could sleep through Yunho's chainsaw snoring, but that night, at Jaejoong's place, even with his Hyungs breathing and softly snoring all around him, he was wide awake.
He looked around him, he almost felt like laughing out loud. Yoochun was sleeping with his composition notebook on his face and his arms stretched out and on his other side was Junsu who slept with his soccer ball tucked to his side and with Ipod earphones still plugged into his ears, he figured that old habits never die. He took one earphone and placed it in his ear, wondering what Junsu was listening to, it was "Love in the Ice", the Korean version, the song that he spend hours and hours writing and translating in the studio and in between their busy schedules.
He wanted it to be perfect, just for the five of them.
He felt a lump on his throat, which usually happens when he felt a bit too emotional. He needed fresh air, dammnit, he needed to breath.
He placed the earphone back in Junsu's ear and got up slowly, so that he wouldn't wake them up. He left his hyungs sleeping in the living room and walked over the balcony similar to the balcony at their ..old apartment.
Fuck, hold yourself together, Changmin. Don't fall apart, like Yunho-hyung. Don't!
He was about the slide the door when he saw another person standing in the balcony, staring up into the dark sky filled with stars and smoke coming from his mouth.
"Jaejoong-hyung?"
"Hm?" Jaejoong turned around and dropped his cigarette, and stomping it with his slipper. "W-what are you doing up?"
"Hyung, I thought you quit smoking." Changmin said, standing beside him and staring at the stars in the sky.
"I-I did, but today, I felt like I needed one right now." Jaejoong said, sounding embarrassed that he got caught. "Changmin, I need to know, what's going on with Y..Yunho?"
Changmin sighed and wished in his mind that he could be one of the stars, gone in the light, but glowing in the night, and then to be reborn again with the same cycle over and over again.
"I hate him, Hyung."
Jaejoong placed a hand on his shoulder. "Changmin--"
"Listen to me, Hyung." Changmin said, his hands tightening into fists. "I want things to be alright, I want to move forward even with all that's going on, I want to take a step forward and go beyond what I've always dreamed about, but Yunho-hyung...I can't stand to see him like that, Hyung, I know he'll support me every step of the way just like you guys would, but he's falling behind, Hyung."
Jaejoong squeezed his shoulder. "I don't understand--"
"That's just it, Hyung." Changmin yelled and began to pace around. "You don't, none of you fucking understand! He's started drinking again after you guys..left, he's been acting like a complete asshole and the place back..home is a complete mess! Whenever I come home, there's bottles of alcohol everywhere, and he's usually crashed on the floor and I have to carry him to the bathroom because he throws up the moment he's awake and there's..there's so much puke and..blood everywhere."
"Blood?" Jaejoong's eyes widened. "Changmin? Did you tell the manager-hyung to take him to the hospital?"
"He hides it from him, he made me fucking promise not to say anything!" Changmin says, his vision was becoming blurry."Then I heard that he broke up with you and I think that's what's been killing him lately."
Jaejoong didn't say a word, but pulled his dongseang into his arms. This time, Changmin didn't pull away like he used to whenever Jaejoong or the others tried to hug him. Changmin didn't like to feel vulnerable and always depended on himself and seceretly on his hyung to pull himself together, but what if they were all falling apart, what was to happen to him then?
"Jaejoong-hyung, I'm scared." Changmin said in between in his sobs and Jaejoong held him tighter. "Yunho-h-hyung is really hurting right now, please help h-him, you p-promise, Hyung?"
"With everything I have, Changmin, with everything I have." Jaejoong whispered softly, letting his own tears fall down his cheeks as he led Changmin back into the room and he sang "Love in the Ice" to Changmin as he dozed off and finally fell asleep on Jaejoong's lap.
-----
5:30 am.
Jaejoong carefully moved Changmin's head as he got up from the couch, stepped carefully around Junsu and Yoochun who were practically sleeping all over the place, and managed not to trip over Junsu's soccer ball and game consoles.
He quickly changed, leaving his phone behind and then grabbing a pen and notepad to leave a note for the others unless they come looking for him.
My Changmin, Junsu & Yoochun,
I'm staying over a friend's house for a while, don't wait up.
In case you guys need me for anything, I'm sure you know where to find me.
-Jaejoong ^^~
Jaejoong placed the note on the kitchen table, grabbing his favorite hat and shades, he stepped out of is apartment, locking the doors behind him and walked to the elevators. Seconds later, he decided to run for it when he knew what was stake, it wasn't just for Changmin and the others, it was for him.
He needed to see him.
---
His chest was aching, not this pain again. He thought to himself, holding his chest as he made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
He broke all the bottles of alcohol yesterday, feeling somewhat relieved that he didn't have the desire to drink anymore at that moment that is. He walked to the kitchen and looked around, okay, he would've sworn that there was glass all around the floor since he didn't bother clean up the mess he left yesterday.
He also remembered that there tons of dirty dishes piled up on the sink and cobwebs hanging around the walls. He opened the cabinets, it was packed with food, the kind of food that Changmin would finish eating in a split second. He opened his side of the cabinets and it was filled with healthy sport drinks that he used to drink before he substituted them with bottles of alcohol. Damn, there were tons of ramen cup noodles that weren't open yet and looking brand new.
He smelled this sweet, lemony smell..it smelled familiar. Lysol?
"Owch!"
Yunho grabbed Junsu's old baseball bat from the kitchen closet and proceeded to the kitchen, where he heard that voice and then he heard swearing.
"What the hell is Yunho thinking with--?" Jaejoong turned around, holding glass and screamed when he saw Yunho with the bat. "What the fuck! Ow, put that bat down, Jung Yunho or I swear, I'm going to cut you with this glass!"
Yunho dropped the baseball and quickly went to Jaejoong, grabbed his hands to try to stop the bleeding. But Jaejoong pulled away as some of his blood landed on his own shirt and on the floor.
"Fuck, Jaejoong, say still or you'll bleed yourself to death!" Yunho yelled, attempted to grab his hands again and Jaejoong pulled away again, his blood continued to drip on the floor.
"Screw you, Jung Yunho." Jaejoong said, ignoring him as he leaned down to pick up the rest of the glass on the floor,his blood dripping on the glass, making an even bigger mess. "You're overexagerrating--WHOA! What the hell are you doing, put me down!"
Yunho ignored Jaejoong's cursing and could feel the thumps on his back that Jaejoong was doing and it was starting to hurt.
"Calm the hell down or I'm going to make you bleed my way."
Jaejoong stopped punching his back and stayed quiet.
Yunho finally reached his bathroom, still holding Jaejoong over his shoulder as he opened the cabinet, reaching for the first aid kit and grabbed a bandage and ointment.
"It's no big deal, Yunho, it's just a cut." Jaejoong protested, but Yunho ignored and concentrated on cleaning his wound and finally placed a bandage wrap around it.
"It means something to me, Jaejoong." Yunho replied, not looking at him as he placed the first aid kit back it belonged. Jaejoong's scent was killing him,it was bringing back memories when he held him in his arms and bringing back memories that he wanted to forget, but followed him every step of the way.
"Okay, I guess I'll leave now." Jaejoong said, not wanting to be there anymore to hear his lies. It was enough, his heart couldn't handle the damage and shit that Yunho--or what he did to himself for ever feeling that there was something between them.
A fucking illusion. Just like how everything else between them has always been.
"Right. Leave again, like you always do." Yunho said, bitterly, walking passed him as Jaejoong reached out for him, grabbing his wrist.
"What did you say?" Jaejoong whispered. "Leaving, when did I--?"
Yunho pulled his arm away from him and glared at him. "You honestly don't remember? When you and everyone else filed the fucking lawsuit right after we came back from Japan, right after we promised that no matter what our dreams were, we'd always stick together and it happened at Tokyo Dome and that summer, you broke the promise not just to me, but to Changmin!"
"Yunho, you don't understand."
"Understand? Understand, what, huh? That we've been together for more than six years, we practically grew up and trained together, Jaejoong. I needed you, dammnit, I depended on you to be there for me when everything was falling apart or when I just wanted to be near youl. But you weren't there ,Jaejoong! I tried to pretend that things are okay, but with you and everyone else so far away from me, what the hell do I have to hold on to? Huh? Jaejoong? Tell me, WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT TO HOLD ONTO?"
Yunho yelled, sinking to the ground, shit, he was crying. Damn it all, he was fucking crying.
Jaejoong sat in front of him and wrapped his arms around him, but Yunho didn't move, holding himself together on his own, but he wanted..wanted to be held, wanted his fucking touch.
"Yunho, we're always here." Jaejoong whispered softly, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry to both you and Changmin, for not telling you guys, I just--Yoochun, Junsu & I didn't want to hurt the both of you. We wanted to spare the both of your feelings, I know it's selfish and it sounds ridiculous, but despite of all that's happened, we still want to be five with you and Changmin. Our dreams and our lives are already intertwined together and to not be able to with each other is unbearable and sometimes..I can't breath, Yunho. I need all of you guys, dammnit, most of all, I need you."
Yunho wanted to hold him, but he struggled to get his feelings in control. He needed to hear something, something that prevented him from ever giving up and to keep going.
"I don't want to lose you, Baby." Jaejoong said softly. "I know we broke up, well, technically you broke up with me, but still--I just want you to know that I'm here whenever you need me, either as a friend or..a lover. I..I still love you, Yunho and you're my fucking miracle and heart, so don't you dare give up on me, on us and on our family, do you understand?"
Yunho nodded, as he reached for Jaejoong, finally something to hold onto and his own hope to believe in.
-----
"You sure, it's here, Changmin?" Yoochun asked, looking a bit nervous and anxious, and Junsu was fidgeting around too. Changmin couldn't blame them anyways since it's been a while since they stepped foot into their old apartment.
"Yup, Jaejoong-hyung has to be here." Changmin said, with a reassuring smile, tugging both of his hyungs by the hand and leading them into the room."See? The door was unlocked too, so Jaejoong-hyung must be here!"
"Hmm, sure, I'll go look around and see, hey is my games still around here, Changmin?" Junsu asked, looking around.
"Yup, it's in our room."
Junsu nodded and left as Yoochun went to the living room, touching the piano that he used to compose his songs with.
"Wow, I thought you guys would get rid of it..." Yoochun said, sounding a bit emotional. Changmin patted his Hyung's shoulder, this piano held memories for all of them, this piano, like the rest of them, was priceless.
"Of course not, Yoochun-hyung." Changmin said. "I was thinking of selling Junsu's old autographed soccer ball on Ebay though."
Yoocun laughed as Changmin smiled, glad to take the tiny look of sadness from Yoochun's face.
"Hey you guys!" Junsu whispered, as Changmin and Yoochun both looked at him, and followed him to their room.
He saw to familiar figures by the balcony, holding each other, just like back then. His Jaejoong-hyung holding his Yunho-Hyung, his "parents" finally decided to get "married" again, his two strengths in his life and then he glanced at his other hyungs behind him, staring at Yunho and Jaejoong in awe, were his other strengths as well.
"Yah! Hyung, get a damn room!" Junsu yelled out, earning a smack on the head by Yoochun.
"Ah, the rest of the dongseangs came." Jaejoong said with a smile, reaching out for them, as one his hands remained holding Yunho's other hand.
They pulled them into a group hug for a couple of minutes before they pulled back. Yoochun was in tears, Junsu was rubbing his eyes to prevent his own tears from falling and Changmin just smiled even though his vision was getting blurry again. Yunho and Jaejoong reached and brushed off everyone's tears.
Yunho whispered something in Jaejoong's ear and Jaejoong nodded, holding onto Yunho's hand for a minute and then letting go as he gently pulled Yoochun and Junsu out of the room, leaving Changmin alone with Yunho.
"Changmin, I'm sorry." Yunho said. "I know I've been a complete idiot and every other word that describes being stupid and irresponsible. I'm sorry for being such a mess and not being there for you when you were falling and when you needed me the most, but more importantly, I'm sorry for hurting you."
Changmin looked at him and Yunho continued. "Joongie..I mean, Jaejoong told me that you went over to his place and I just, I wanted to come and get you, but I was just afraid, okay? That's all I was feeling when I was drinking, I was scared to move forward because I was afraid of losing each of you and if that happens, I wouldn't know what to do with myself."
"Hyung...it's okay, really." Changmin said with a comforting smile. "I understand."
"I-I'll quit drinking and stop arguing with you and manager-hyung, and I just won't go back to who I was when I was that person that you saw that night."
"Hyung--"
"Wait, look, what I'm trying to say is, Changmin..I-I love you."
Changmin wiped his eyes to prevent his vision from going blurry again. "Ohh, Hyung, Jaejoong-hyung is going to get mad.."
Yunho looked confused and then laughed. "What? No! Not like, I love Jaejoong, I mean, in a brotherly sense---"
Changmin put a hand up , stopping him from talking. "I know, I know, Hyung."
"Aw Changmin." Yunho said, and before Changmin could stop him, Yunho pulled him into a tight bear hug.
"Hyung, c-can't breathe! " Changmin complained, but didn't try to pull away.
"Hey, sorry to interrupt, but Jaejoong's making something in the kitchen and wanted you guys to try it out." Junsu said, sticking his head into the room with a smile on his face.
"Yup, we'll be right there." Junsu rushed out and Yunho finally let go.
"Whew, I thought for a moment that you were going to suffocate me, Hyung." Changmin teased and earned a sock on the shoulder by Yunho.
"Hey, Hyung." Changmin said, as Yunho stopped to look at him.
"I-I love you too in a brotherly sense, too."
Yunho smiled and walked over and threw his arm around his shoulder. "I know, I know, now let's get our shit together and let's go eat!"
Changmin nodded, walking together with him and closing the door behind him, and moving forward with his Hyungs.
Always Keep the Faith.
:)
