(no subject)
ok. so yesterday was one of the worst days ever...i cried so much.
i didnt want to go to class today but i did anyway and it turned out being the best class weve had so far.
so here are the issues that im grappling with. Yesterday this person in our group told me that my hygene...meaning body odor...is a problem for them. i guess they confronted me about this hoping that i would change my personal decision and habits and start wearing deodorant. which i sorta feel like i should.
but i really dont want to. I like the way i smell. I like the way other people naturally smell. I DONT like the way i smell when i put on things to try to mask my smell. Plus, knowing my smell is an important part of knowing myself, being connected to my body, knowing my cycles....etc. its a part of my identity.
i would never ask anyone else to change a part of their identity because I had a problem with it. It seems really clear to me.
On the other hand, this is not the first person to tell me this. In fact, she is the third in a very short time span, and the other people have been my family and my lover. hearing it from my loved ones is really painful. hearing it from strangers is embarassing and painful. how many more times will i have to hear it?
should i just give in and wear stupid deodorant and give up that part of myself? just get used to it and conform?
the other choice that i see as possible is to continue being myself and making the choice to live the way i do, and somehow learn how to deal with other peoples problems, judgements, etc. and not let them hurt me.
The thing is that i am really sensitive and i have big feelings, which is something i really value in myself. I dont know how to be tougher on the outside and not let things like that get to me, and still maintain sensitivity and the capacity to feel deeply and empathize.
this is really just bringing up a bigger issue that i am dealing with right now, my sisters wedding. my sister and parents have asked me to change a lot of things about myself for her wedding. they want me to shave, get rid of my nose ring, pluck my eyebrows, cover my tatoos, wear deodorant, wear makeup and a dress and do my hair, and basically look like the typical heteronormitive traditional ideal of feminine beauty.
this is so completely against all of my principles. i am not a traditional hetero sexual heteronormitive woman. and even if i dress up like one, i still wont be one. I dont want to go to my sisters wedding looking like a barbie. i dont want to pretend to be someone Im not, so that other people will be comfortable. I dont want to change everything about the way i look so that I can be acceptable to appear at a celebration of my family.
they also see it as just one day, but its really more like a year of my life. because I cant do anything to my appearance until the wedding, which is seven months from now, and then it will take at least 4 months afterwards to get back to myself. and then in the pictures which will go on forever.
its so insulting and hurtful to me that they have asked me to do this. i have told them exactly how i feel about it and asked them to engage in dialogue with me. my parents have responded briefly, but not too an extent that i feel like constitutes dialogue.my sister hasnt said anything. They are continuing with their lives, while this is tearing me up and making me miserable every time i think about it, which is all the time because its about MY BODY. and when we speak on the phone its like the conflict doesnt exist.
i also think that its just ridiculous, and it should not be such a big deal. I really dont think I will draw that much attention. all of this is causing me a lot of anxiety about going home. which is really hard to deal with because all i want is to be home, somewhere comfortable. so i dont want to be here and i dont want to go home.
so, if anyone has any thoughts, advice, comments, guidance, whatever....im open. thanks for reading.
i didnt want to go to class today but i did anyway and it turned out being the best class weve had so far.
so here are the issues that im grappling with. Yesterday this person in our group told me that my hygene...meaning body odor...is a problem for them. i guess they confronted me about this hoping that i would change my personal decision and habits and start wearing deodorant. which i sorta feel like i should.
but i really dont want to. I like the way i smell. I like the way other people naturally smell. I DONT like the way i smell when i put on things to try to mask my smell. Plus, knowing my smell is an important part of knowing myself, being connected to my body, knowing my cycles....etc. its a part of my identity.
i would never ask anyone else to change a part of their identity because I had a problem with it. It seems really clear to me.
On the other hand, this is not the first person to tell me this. In fact, she is the third in a very short time span, and the other people have been my family and my lover. hearing it from my loved ones is really painful. hearing it from strangers is embarassing and painful. how many more times will i have to hear it?
should i just give in and wear stupid deodorant and give up that part of myself? just get used to it and conform?
the other choice that i see as possible is to continue being myself and making the choice to live the way i do, and somehow learn how to deal with other peoples problems, judgements, etc. and not let them hurt me.
The thing is that i am really sensitive and i have big feelings, which is something i really value in myself. I dont know how to be tougher on the outside and not let things like that get to me, and still maintain sensitivity and the capacity to feel deeply and empathize.
this is really just bringing up a bigger issue that i am dealing with right now, my sisters wedding. my sister and parents have asked me to change a lot of things about myself for her wedding. they want me to shave, get rid of my nose ring, pluck my eyebrows, cover my tatoos, wear deodorant, wear makeup and a dress and do my hair, and basically look like the typical heteronormitive traditional ideal of feminine beauty.
this is so completely against all of my principles. i am not a traditional hetero sexual heteronormitive woman. and even if i dress up like one, i still wont be one. I dont want to go to my sisters wedding looking like a barbie. i dont want to pretend to be someone Im not, so that other people will be comfortable. I dont want to change everything about the way i look so that I can be acceptable to appear at a celebration of my family.
they also see it as just one day, but its really more like a year of my life. because I cant do anything to my appearance until the wedding, which is seven months from now, and then it will take at least 4 months afterwards to get back to myself. and then in the pictures which will go on forever.
its so insulting and hurtful to me that they have asked me to do this. i have told them exactly how i feel about it and asked them to engage in dialogue with me. my parents have responded briefly, but not too an extent that i feel like constitutes dialogue.my sister hasnt said anything. They are continuing with their lives, while this is tearing me up and making me miserable every time i think about it, which is all the time because its about MY BODY. and when we speak on the phone its like the conflict doesnt exist.
i also think that its just ridiculous, and it should not be such a big deal. I really dont think I will draw that much attention. all of this is causing me a lot of anxiety about going home. which is really hard to deal with because all i want is to be home, somewhere comfortable. so i dont want to be here and i dont want to go home.
so, if anyone has any thoughts, advice, comments, guidance, whatever....im open. thanks for reading.