(no subject)
Well, this weekend has been hell and back...
Friday : Went to rj's all day and we hung out. Then we went to the fireworks in mt. clemens. [ mistake #1 ] we met up with steph, ryan, brendan, robyn, and beth. [ this is making me sick all over again ]. . . anyway. i had gone all day without a smoke so i was going though my withdrawls and i started to get bitchy and teary eyed. so he was like well, go have one i rather you smoke then be all upset over it. so i did. [ mistake #2 ] he was mad at me the rest of the night and would berly touch me. so i got mad naturally and didnt really wanna be around him. it was all over then we were standing on the street and robyn wanted to go to dennys... so i was like are you ok to let me go with them tonight? hes like yeah go... [ mistake #3 ] i said i love you and he said it back [ lie #1 for him - negitive 20 points on his side ] i felt like shit the rest of the night and when i got home i knew he was going to be pissed. i got on and talked to him [ the convo you all saw earlier ] and obviously from what you saw it upset me. the last thing i said - "im going to go do something that im going to regret more than this" well, he called me 3 times after that. he said to me i didnt call to get a guilt trip put on me i called to make sure you wouldent do anything stupid. well im hysterical and crying, whatever. and hes like are you going to do anything stupid? i said ya know you should know me better than that... hes like fine as long as your not and i dont get blamed for anything then this conversation is over, oh and expect me to come over around 1 to pick up my shit. he hung up and i almost died. i was crying so hard i got to a point where i was crying so hard i passed out [ literally ].
Saturday : I got up at 500 [ 3 hours of sleep ] and layed there knowing that he was comming over. 1 came, he called and said i wont be there till 130 and hung up. by this point i wasnt upset anymore i woke up in a pissed off mood becuase i got no sleep and becuase he said all the shit that he said to me. i was thinking about it and im like ya know, i have friends he should get that and not keep me from them or whatever. i spent all day with him and i dont see why he got so upset that i wanted to see my friends for an hour. hes got a girl infront of him that is completly in love with him and hes passing that up when he told me he loved me? heh, i was pissed. so he came over and walked in said can i have my shit. i said can we talk? i walked in my room got his hoodies and handed them to him. i quicky walked to the opposite side of the room becuase i was so mad i was just gonna hit him as hard as i could. he said what is there to talk about? i said well theres alot to talk about and i explained everything. hes like yeah well this is just the way its going to have to be now, i dont want to see you, talk to you, or anything. and he left. i was sooooooo pissed. i eventually got over it untill later on that night when don went off on me about something... i think the phone went dead and he told me i was usless becuase everything i touch i break. or something. i had been in a [ you push me and im going to fall over and cry ] mood. well i did. i told him to fuck off and i walked in my room, layed down, and cried my eyes out becuase i missed rj so much. my arm got attacked by a saftey pin and i wasnt even feeling it [ its healing now ]. my mom came in and said what the hells wrong with you? i said im upset ok cant you understand that. shes like well your boyfriend is pissed at you and he should be becuase hes right and your the wrong one. went off on her for a little bit. and i said can i just go to stephanies tonight? she told me to clean my room, so in tears i cleaned my room just to get out of the house. i drove to stephs and i was starting to feel better already knowing that i was going to at least spend the night with her. we sat up untill 5 in the morning doing god knows what i dont fucking remember... oh, 3-4 hours of mtv. bam and wild boys. i laughed so hard [ good - get my mind off things ] we finally got to sleep, i dont even remember passing out... but stephanie wanted to lick a peach.
Sunday : Woke up at 11, ate cerial, and painted. im curently working on spyro for her little brother i knew once he saw it he would want it so i just told him when i was done with it he can have it... i think all i have left to do is the wings and the background. people started showing up for her moms party [ and we watched this haunted night club thing for the 79th time ] and she started making margaritas and sangrea slurpee things. hah, well i had a few of those and i was quite off to myself in la la land. i called my mom and told her i was going to stay the night again becuase well, i wanted to. it was the 4th, why not? Steph called and wated to know if we wanted to go to erikas. i was all cool with that after 2 hours of trying to make a decision. we get there, realize we dont have our suits, go back to stephs, have more margaritas and whatnot... then back to erikas to swim. at first i was the only fucking one who would get in becuase steph, steph, ryan, kevin, and kam are being pussys... so im like freezing my tits off all by myself... so steph gets in 1/2 way then erika ruins all the fun she runs outside and plunges in the pool like she could care less... after that was all over i was chillin talkin to steph and kam, then ben walks in and says 3, theres 3, so watch out... we were all confused and he said, oh including me... so then kevin gerds and jeremy walk in. it was all clear then. kevin sees me and gives me a hug and kisses me on the neck, im like whoa wait a minuet.... so i blew it off. me and steph just decide to go under and i screamed it was so cold. i was hoping that erikas friend ryan was going to come becuase hes like a teddy bear cute kid. well he did come and me and steph got into a dispute becuase she likes him too... long story short i was pissed but im not going to fight over a guy with one of my friends, i would just expect her to have more respect if i liked someone that she wouldent make out with him in a trailor. [ fuck im bleeding ] just like i wouldent do something like that to her, but no she was ruthless. this is all after i almost killed 8 people with a firework. hahah, it was funny. erika got tired and shes like ok everyone out of my house... so we left and went back to stephs. her mom was still outside partying and whatnot [ with dennis - everyone got so trashed they left and left there dishes there . . . ] it was me, steph, steph, ryan, kevin, jeremy, and ryan. ryan was talkin to me outside most of the time becuase i was getting more margaritas and boozin myself up. i dont remember i had like 2 1/2 and i mean i was gone. everyone left becuase it was 230. and i was still upset about the steph thing. but i really dont care, i mean i do, but i dont at the same time, hes 20 and smokes... she dosnt like smokers and according to erika he dosnt like prude girls... so i dont know. whatever. me and steph cleaned up [ well she did i was looking for asprin and didnt end up taking it becuase i didnt wanna like kill myself ] then i was like steph, i gotta go to bed... im so gone, i need sleep. so at 3 i grabbed a pillow and a blanket, crawled on the coutch and dont even remember passing out... i do remember trying to find the tv remote to turn it down, then i went up to the tv looking for the button for volume... i found it about 5 min. later and i passed out.
Monday : Woke up today with a hangover [ i know im a lightweight ] and took some asprin. watcher her mom clean the kitchen and she was getting all flustered. so me and steph went over to hoeys to let out chip and we played fooseball. haha, dude the table was uneven and my little red corner man broke in 1/2. i was so upset i wanted to throw his body. haha. went back and jumpped online. i was goin though my journal and rj im'ed me and said go check your email and then signed off... well i got this...
SUBJECT : Please just read it...
Ashley I just have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I was acting
like a child before like you said, and I'm sorry. I just, I guess i was
looking for a reason to break it off because I'm sorry to say it, but I wasn't
really that happy when we were dating. Even though it may not seem like
it I do miss you, and I wish i could make myself take you back, but I just
can't. I hope that we can still be friends, even though I have treated you
like shit the past couple of days. I just don't know if I can talk to you on
AIM or in person yet because I am still kinda in a weird mood. If you don't
reply to this I'll understand, but I just needed to say this to you.
Your idiot ex-boyfriend,
R.J.
This was my reply...
SUBJECT : RE: Please just read it...
rj,
hey... well, i dont know how to respond to this. i would like to try to pretend im still mad... but i was never mad. i was so upset that i intentionally hurt myself. which i have never done. honestly it got alot out of me to get over the pain that i was in. i didnt know that you were so unhappy with me. i wish you would have just told me before i got so attached. i really do. but when you said you loved me its not like i wasnt going to belive it becuase i did. i trusted you and it felt like you put me through hell becuase i loved you. i hope we can be friends... i really do. i dont mean to make you feel like shit i just wish you wouldhave told me earlier before... *sigh* i was really hurt.
i dont mind if you dont talk to me, its fine. i came over to stephs for the past few days to get my mind off of you becuase being at home was doing no good with my mom telling me it was my fault and making me feel worse than i already did. maybe for now writing will be fine for you. anyway, im going home soon so ... later.
-Ashley
Then when i got home [ after almost getting killed by stephanies awsome driving skills of running into the van!! ] he im'ed me and started talking to me, like nothing happend and said that we needed to talk. he opologized for everything and said that he said all this shit to me becuase he wanted to hurt me intentionally and make me upset but he didnt realize how much it did hurt me and that he was an asshole and he felt like shit. well naturally i said, yeah you were and it really fucking hurt me. he said i would like to take you back now and hold you in my arms and make everything better, when i said that i wasnt happy it wasnt all the time it was just the times that i hurt you. im not going to go out with anyone ever again becuase i dont want to hurt them like i hurt you. natually im in tears because i want back what i had. but i know its not going to happen. so i cant talk to him for a while becuase we both need to get over the fact that we do love eachother but he cant stop hurting me. or anyone in that fact. its like his nature or something. my mom got home at 830 trashed so we never did do anything becuase it was too late [ its her birthday ] they all passed out and im sitting here alone.
Good news though: My parents are going out of town on the 17th for a week, so im gonna be in blissfield. not the town just a frame of mind.
Im done.
Friday : Went to rj's all day and we hung out. Then we went to the fireworks in mt. clemens. [ mistake #1 ] we met up with steph, ryan, brendan, robyn, and beth. [ this is making me sick all over again ]. . . anyway. i had gone all day without a smoke so i was going though my withdrawls and i started to get bitchy and teary eyed. so he was like well, go have one i rather you smoke then be all upset over it. so i did. [ mistake #2 ] he was mad at me the rest of the night and would berly touch me. so i got mad naturally and didnt really wanna be around him. it was all over then we were standing on the street and robyn wanted to go to dennys... so i was like are you ok to let me go with them tonight? hes like yeah go... [ mistake #3 ] i said i love you and he said it back [ lie #1 for him - negitive 20 points on his side ] i felt like shit the rest of the night and when i got home i knew he was going to be pissed. i got on and talked to him [ the convo you all saw earlier ] and obviously from what you saw it upset me. the last thing i said - "im going to go do something that im going to regret more than this" well, he called me 3 times after that. he said to me i didnt call to get a guilt trip put on me i called to make sure you wouldent do anything stupid. well im hysterical and crying, whatever. and hes like are you going to do anything stupid? i said ya know you should know me better than that... hes like fine as long as your not and i dont get blamed for anything then this conversation is over, oh and expect me to come over around 1 to pick up my shit. he hung up and i almost died. i was crying so hard i got to a point where i was crying so hard i passed out [ literally ].
Saturday : I got up at 500 [ 3 hours of sleep ] and layed there knowing that he was comming over. 1 came, he called and said i wont be there till 130 and hung up. by this point i wasnt upset anymore i woke up in a pissed off mood becuase i got no sleep and becuase he said all the shit that he said to me. i was thinking about it and im like ya know, i have friends he should get that and not keep me from them or whatever. i spent all day with him and i dont see why he got so upset that i wanted to see my friends for an hour. hes got a girl infront of him that is completly in love with him and hes passing that up when he told me he loved me? heh, i was pissed. so he came over and walked in said can i have my shit. i said can we talk? i walked in my room got his hoodies and handed them to him. i quicky walked to the opposite side of the room becuase i was so mad i was just gonna hit him as hard as i could. he said what is there to talk about? i said well theres alot to talk about and i explained everything. hes like yeah well this is just the way its going to have to be now, i dont want to see you, talk to you, or anything. and he left. i was sooooooo pissed. i eventually got over it untill later on that night when don went off on me about something... i think the phone went dead and he told me i was usless becuase everything i touch i break. or something. i had been in a [ you push me and im going to fall over and cry ] mood. well i did. i told him to fuck off and i walked in my room, layed down, and cried my eyes out becuase i missed rj so much. my arm got attacked by a saftey pin and i wasnt even feeling it [ its healing now ]. my mom came in and said what the hells wrong with you? i said im upset ok cant you understand that. shes like well your boyfriend is pissed at you and he should be becuase hes right and your the wrong one. went off on her for a little bit. and i said can i just go to stephanies tonight? she told me to clean my room, so in tears i cleaned my room just to get out of the house. i drove to stephs and i was starting to feel better already knowing that i was going to at least spend the night with her. we sat up untill 5 in the morning doing god knows what i dont fucking remember... oh, 3-4 hours of mtv. bam and wild boys. i laughed so hard [ good - get my mind off things ] we finally got to sleep, i dont even remember passing out... but stephanie wanted to lick a peach.
Sunday : Woke up at 11, ate cerial, and painted. im curently working on spyro for her little brother i knew once he saw it he would want it so i just told him when i was done with it he can have it... i think all i have left to do is the wings and the background. people started showing up for her moms party [ and we watched this haunted night club thing for the 79th time ] and she started making margaritas and sangrea slurpee things. hah, well i had a few of those and i was quite off to myself in la la land. i called my mom and told her i was going to stay the night again becuase well, i wanted to. it was the 4th, why not? Steph called and wated to know if we wanted to go to erikas. i was all cool with that after 2 hours of trying to make a decision. we get there, realize we dont have our suits, go back to stephs, have more margaritas and whatnot... then back to erikas to swim. at first i was the only fucking one who would get in becuase steph, steph, ryan, kevin, and kam are being pussys... so im like freezing my tits off all by myself... so steph gets in 1/2 way then erika ruins all the fun she runs outside and plunges in the pool like she could care less... after that was all over i was chillin talkin to steph and kam, then ben walks in and says 3, theres 3, so watch out... we were all confused and he said, oh including me... so then kevin gerds and jeremy walk in. it was all clear then. kevin sees me and gives me a hug and kisses me on the neck, im like whoa wait a minuet.... so i blew it off. me and steph just decide to go under and i screamed it was so cold. i was hoping that erikas friend ryan was going to come becuase hes like a teddy bear cute kid. well he did come and me and steph got into a dispute becuase she likes him too... long story short i was pissed but im not going to fight over a guy with one of my friends, i would just expect her to have more respect if i liked someone that she wouldent make out with him in a trailor. [ fuck im bleeding ] just like i wouldent do something like that to her, but no she was ruthless. this is all after i almost killed 8 people with a firework. hahah, it was funny. erika got tired and shes like ok everyone out of my house... so we left and went back to stephs. her mom was still outside partying and whatnot [ with dennis - everyone got so trashed they left and left there dishes there . . . ] it was me, steph, steph, ryan, kevin, jeremy, and ryan. ryan was talkin to me outside most of the time becuase i was getting more margaritas and boozin myself up. i dont remember i had like 2 1/2 and i mean i was gone. everyone left becuase it was 230. and i was still upset about the steph thing. but i really dont care, i mean i do, but i dont at the same time, hes 20 and smokes... she dosnt like smokers and according to erika he dosnt like prude girls... so i dont know. whatever. me and steph cleaned up [ well she did i was looking for asprin and didnt end up taking it becuase i didnt wanna like kill myself ] then i was like steph, i gotta go to bed... im so gone, i need sleep. so at 3 i grabbed a pillow and a blanket, crawled on the coutch and dont even remember passing out... i do remember trying to find the tv remote to turn it down, then i went up to the tv looking for the button for volume... i found it about 5 min. later and i passed out.
Monday : Woke up today with a hangover [ i know im a lightweight ] and took some asprin. watcher her mom clean the kitchen and she was getting all flustered. so me and steph went over to hoeys to let out chip and we played fooseball. haha, dude the table was uneven and my little red corner man broke in 1/2. i was so upset i wanted to throw his body. haha. went back and jumpped online. i was goin though my journal and rj im'ed me and said go check your email and then signed off... well i got this...
SUBJECT : Please just read it...
Ashley I just have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I was acting
like a child before like you said, and I'm sorry. I just, I guess i was
looking for a reason to break it off because I'm sorry to say it, but I wasn't
really that happy when we were dating. Even though it may not seem like
it I do miss you, and I wish i could make myself take you back, but I just
can't. I hope that we can still be friends, even though I have treated you
like shit the past couple of days. I just don't know if I can talk to you on
AIM or in person yet because I am still kinda in a weird mood. If you don't
reply to this I'll understand, but I just needed to say this to you.
Your idiot ex-boyfriend,
R.J.
This was my reply...
SUBJECT : RE: Please just read it...
rj,
hey... well, i dont know how to respond to this. i would like to try to pretend im still mad... but i was never mad. i was so upset that i intentionally hurt myself. which i have never done. honestly it got alot out of me to get over the pain that i was in. i didnt know that you were so unhappy with me. i wish you would have just told me before i got so attached. i really do. but when you said you loved me its not like i wasnt going to belive it becuase i did. i trusted you and it felt like you put me through hell becuase i loved you. i hope we can be friends... i really do. i dont mean to make you feel like shit i just wish you wouldhave told me earlier before... *sigh* i was really hurt.
i dont mind if you dont talk to me, its fine. i came over to stephs for the past few days to get my mind off of you becuase being at home was doing no good with my mom telling me it was my fault and making me feel worse than i already did. maybe for now writing will be fine for you. anyway, im going home soon so ... later.
-Ashley
Then when i got home [ after almost getting killed by stephanies awsome driving skills of running into the van!! ] he im'ed me and started talking to me, like nothing happend and said that we needed to talk. he opologized for everything and said that he said all this shit to me becuase he wanted to hurt me intentionally and make me upset but he didnt realize how much it did hurt me and that he was an asshole and he felt like shit. well naturally i said, yeah you were and it really fucking hurt me. he said i would like to take you back now and hold you in my arms and make everything better, when i said that i wasnt happy it wasnt all the time it was just the times that i hurt you. im not going to go out with anyone ever again becuase i dont want to hurt them like i hurt you. natually im in tears because i want back what i had. but i know its not going to happen. so i cant talk to him for a while becuase we both need to get over the fact that we do love eachother but he cant stop hurting me. or anyone in that fact. its like his nature or something. my mom got home at 830 trashed so we never did do anything becuase it was too late [ its her birthday ] they all passed out and im sitting here alone.
Good news though: My parents are going out of town on the 17th for a week, so im gonna be in blissfield. not the town just a frame of mind.
Im done.