New Journal
Have you ever looked back at all the posts you made, either on a journal or in a forum or whatever and been like "man . . . I was a bleep."
Definitely had one of those moments going back over this journal. So I deleted all the posts to start over. I think I'm going to go back to being a fringe fur. Which was the point of this journal in the first place. I've definitely had some interesting experience with furriness, being obsessed, being repulsed, a little bit of longing for the anthro fun. I also miss talking - well more appropriately rambling to the people back home, so I'll start posting some of my random thoughts. Maybe they'll come read them, which would be good. :)
At the moment I've spent a lot of time in silence, which is a strange experience. It's really the only way to come to know yourself. I take that back, experience also helps you know yourself, but silence is very important too.
I suppose it's self inflicted silence, I could try to talk to people more. I don't enjoy hanging out with people I don't know. Which is a dumb thing to say, of course people don't usually like that, some people might though. What I mean though is that I have in the past usually just waited for someone to come along and click with me. If it doesn't happen I tend to ignore that person. Occasionally it's been purposeful, which probably equaled I lose on my part but you know. So in the past I just sort of accumulated friends, I was pretty lazy about it, I suppose. Some how God brought me to people, which is weird, to think about, divine province, not something I sit around thinking about.
Until I came here, my college is very small and Christian, only two thousand people. It's hard to find people to click with in just a small group. Although I suppose God worked with fewer people to bring me to them before. My youth group was smaller and I found cool people there. But I also find the silence has been nice. Being alone forces you to think about things, strangely it forces you to think about other people. It's good, but it's weird that something like that would be better then what I wanted. II wanted to have alot of friends but something about me prevents me from being comfortable with most people.
Quieting the soul is something insanely important to do. It's necessary to be with people, but it's necessary but not thought of to be along. Before I left for college I didn't want to be alone.
The Sunday about a week before I left for college I went to spend some time in the church backyard. It was just the church backyard, but it was insanely beautiful. And so wonderful to be there. I love how nature and humanity are so seperate, or should I say nature and humanities works, there as sepratiion between our streets our houses and the woods and and ponds and wild flowers, they exist in too seperate realms. So when I went into the churches backyard I was in nature and it was very beautiful. I really liked it and I found my self quieting down and becomeing peaceful, but then this incredible anger welled up in my that I couldn't be as pure or beautiful as the nature, because I was a fallen human. It makes me angry just to think about it. But the point is that people don't realize the storm inside them until there on their own. They don't realise their inner turmoil and maybe hell is just you living with yourself for the rest of eternity, because I coudln't think of anything more disgusting or painful.
Yea . . .
I guess I'll end on that note. :) Maybe later I'll copy the poem and maybe the thoughts I had when I was back there from out of my journal/sketchbook and paste it on here.
Definitely had one of those moments going back over this journal. So I deleted all the posts to start over. I think I'm going to go back to being a fringe fur. Which was the point of this journal in the first place. I've definitely had some interesting experience with furriness, being obsessed, being repulsed, a little bit of longing for the anthro fun. I also miss talking - well more appropriately rambling to the people back home, so I'll start posting some of my random thoughts. Maybe they'll come read them, which would be good. :)
At the moment I've spent a lot of time in silence, which is a strange experience. It's really the only way to come to know yourself. I take that back, experience also helps you know yourself, but silence is very important too.
I suppose it's self inflicted silence, I could try to talk to people more. I don't enjoy hanging out with people I don't know. Which is a dumb thing to say, of course people don't usually like that, some people might though. What I mean though is that I have in the past usually just waited for someone to come along and click with me. If it doesn't happen I tend to ignore that person. Occasionally it's been purposeful, which probably equaled I lose on my part but you know. So in the past I just sort of accumulated friends, I was pretty lazy about it, I suppose. Some how God brought me to people, which is weird, to think about, divine province, not something I sit around thinking about.
Until I came here, my college is very small and Christian, only two thousand people. It's hard to find people to click with in just a small group. Although I suppose God worked with fewer people to bring me to them before. My youth group was smaller and I found cool people there. But I also find the silence has been nice. Being alone forces you to think about things, strangely it forces you to think about other people. It's good, but it's weird that something like that would be better then what I wanted. II wanted to have alot of friends but something about me prevents me from being comfortable with most people.
Quieting the soul is something insanely important to do. It's necessary to be with people, but it's necessary but not thought of to be along. Before I left for college I didn't want to be alone.
The Sunday about a week before I left for college I went to spend some time in the church backyard. It was just the church backyard, but it was insanely beautiful. And so wonderful to be there. I love how nature and humanity are so seperate, or should I say nature and humanities works, there as sepratiion between our streets our houses and the woods and and ponds and wild flowers, they exist in too seperate realms. So when I went into the churches backyard I was in nature and it was very beautiful. I really liked it and I found my self quieting down and becomeing peaceful, but then this incredible anger welled up in my that I couldn't be as pure or beautiful as the nature, because I was a fallen human. It makes me angry just to think about it. But the point is that people don't realize the storm inside them until there on their own. They don't realise their inner turmoil and maybe hell is just you living with yourself for the rest of eternity, because I coudln't think of anything more disgusting or painful.
Yea . . .
I guess I'll end on that note. :) Maybe later I'll copy the poem and maybe the thoughts I had when I was back there from out of my journal/sketchbook and paste it on here.