and back down under we go...
fuck fuck fuck
what the fuck is wrong with me? there's something in me that has to procrastinate. like i think about and im like: ok this time it'll be diferent. i'll get it done early and have time to check it over, it'll be so easy. but i'll give you one guess on what really happens every time.. i end up staying up till like 3 the night before it's due. and fuck me up the ass and call me sally, guess what i did this time? smart me always thinking ahaed. i forgot my fucking book!! all i have done is my intro, and i forgot the fucking book. there's no way i can finish this thing by tomaro unless i go to the library right now, withthe library card i don't have and find the same exact book we're useing (b/c we need the page numbers for sighting shit) i'm so fucking stupid. i know what it must be, it's that entropy thing. there is no chaos in the rest of my life as of now (i know, crazy aint it? i must be like the only one, cuz ALL of my friends are going throu major shit right now) so of cours my academics have to go to shit. fuck
oh! and as stupid as it seems to say it, at the same time i'm fucking tierd of my meds. they are addictive, they make me stop eating, and i'm just not me when i'm on them. i don't wana feel like the only way i can ever be succesful at something is to have some boost, like i start better off then eveybody else. because i know i'm smart, and i know that if i worked at it i could learn how do deal with school when i'm not on aderal. and another thing, although i'm sure i could with ALOT of work figure out a way of doing things that worked for me with out meds, i'm tierd of people telling me that add is not a reall thing. because fuck you it is. people keep telling me all these stories about how so and so had add, but then didn't do anything about it and they're fine. well i'm not fine. i kno that's really contradicting but honestly. some people give me the dirtyest looks when they learn i have add. like i'm just apart of some larger trend to medicate your children. like my parents just didnt wana deal with me so they medicate me. fuck you. and i know at the same time i'm saying that i wana stop taking the meds, but that's not because they don't help me. i'm jusr frustrated at how little i can do with out them. i just wana be normal. and i think i could do it.
it seems as of now, that everyone i know is falling under when i have just surfaced. all of my friends have such big issues right now. and it tares me up to think that i'm not giving all of them the time they need to vent or cry or that i'm not supying enough hugs as needed. it seems like so many people are having issues right now, that if i were to try to console you or tell you that everything is gona be ok, i would come off as an echo, a mouthing of what i think you want to hear. but the truth is i care. and i'm going crazy trying to think of how i could show you i'm sincere. i know you hurt, and i can't think of how to make it better. like all of this is a test of my friendships and my ability to be there and keep everybody afloat and i'm failing. i get a big fat F. and F-. but i want to be there. i try to be there, but i don't always make the cut. it's like everytime i think something's together something else falls apart, damn laws of the universe. i care. i care about you. i love you. i don't know how else to tell you. i don't know what else to say. i can only hope that you see that i'm sincere and that you matter individualy to me. i love you.
what the fuck is wrong with me? there's something in me that has to procrastinate. like i think about and im like: ok this time it'll be diferent. i'll get it done early and have time to check it over, it'll be so easy. but i'll give you one guess on what really happens every time.. i end up staying up till like 3 the night before it's due. and fuck me up the ass and call me sally, guess what i did this time? smart me always thinking ahaed. i forgot my fucking book!! all i have done is my intro, and i forgot the fucking book. there's no way i can finish this thing by tomaro unless i go to the library right now, withthe library card i don't have and find the same exact book we're useing (b/c we need the page numbers for sighting shit) i'm so fucking stupid. i know what it must be, it's that entropy thing. there is no chaos in the rest of my life as of now (i know, crazy aint it? i must be like the only one, cuz ALL of my friends are going throu major shit right now) so of cours my academics have to go to shit. fuck
oh! and as stupid as it seems to say it, at the same time i'm fucking tierd of my meds. they are addictive, they make me stop eating, and i'm just not me when i'm on them. i don't wana feel like the only way i can ever be succesful at something is to have some boost, like i start better off then eveybody else. because i know i'm smart, and i know that if i worked at it i could learn how do deal with school when i'm not on aderal. and another thing, although i'm sure i could with ALOT of work figure out a way of doing things that worked for me with out meds, i'm tierd of people telling me that add is not a reall thing. because fuck you it is. people keep telling me all these stories about how so and so had add, but then didn't do anything about it and they're fine. well i'm not fine. i kno that's really contradicting but honestly. some people give me the dirtyest looks when they learn i have add. like i'm just apart of some larger trend to medicate your children. like my parents just didnt wana deal with me so they medicate me. fuck you. and i know at the same time i'm saying that i wana stop taking the meds, but that's not because they don't help me. i'm jusr frustrated at how little i can do with out them. i just wana be normal. and i think i could do it.
it seems as of now, that everyone i know is falling under when i have just surfaced. all of my friends have such big issues right now. and it tares me up to think that i'm not giving all of them the time they need to vent or cry or that i'm not supying enough hugs as needed. it seems like so many people are having issues right now, that if i were to try to console you or tell you that everything is gona be ok, i would come off as an echo, a mouthing of what i think you want to hear. but the truth is i care. and i'm going crazy trying to think of how i could show you i'm sincere. i know you hurt, and i can't think of how to make it better. like all of this is a test of my friendships and my ability to be there and keep everybody afloat and i'm failing. i get a big fat F. and F-. but i want to be there. i try to be there, but i don't always make the cut. it's like everytime i think something's together something else falls apart, damn laws of the universe. i care. i care about you. i love you. i don't know how else to tell you. i don't know what else to say. i can only hope that you see that i'm sincere and that you matter individualy to me. i love you.