An update from a ghost......
Wow, I had the urge to dispell my thoughts - something that hasn't occured to me in quite some time. Of course times have changed, in oh so many ways. Where do I begin? That sorta sums up my entire place of being at this stage in my life. I'm at one of those sink or swim points and I can feel the icy waters lapping at my lips; gasping for breathe will follow unless I make some conscious choices. We've all been here at least once, regardless of how big or small. This, however, I feel is a major one for me.
I've recently ended a relationship. It went on for a year and half. And I loved him very much, I still love him in fact and probably will for the rest of my life. I came as close to true love as one can without that other person being your soul mate. Sounds sorta harsh saying it but alas, it is how I feel. So many different and varying things plauged our relationship, not any that need to be explained here, that it was all most a failure from day one. I would have to suppose that alot of how I feel stems from the constant of the past six years plus.
It's been one major event after another, first there was the divorce, then there was sexuality, then there were boys, then drugs, then way too many deaths, even more death - and for every heartache that had external influence upon my life I created one with internal influence by way of getting into relationships that I knew would only hurt. When I think about it I think I tend to create my own pain to deal with pain I have no control over - self destructive but at present thats something I'm struggling with and hoping to reconcile.
Two months ago, when I ended it with the most recent ex, I told myself, not again. No more self-imposed failures, no more internalized pain. I can't deal with it anymore. Simply put, I'm done. I'm here not to enrich my personal friendships, get more connected with my family (who have turned out to be an awesome and amzing presence in my life) and most importantly, build and establish myself, as my own person with things I belive in tried and true.
I'm done with drama, I'm done being immature and naive in the self-imposed manner. I need to grow up and cannot allow people who are not like minded into my life because those sorts of relationships only lead to pain, part of the whole internilization of external forces. Reconnection with people in my life who are true and real is necessary. I've pushed people away beacuse they were serious about things, I didn't wanna grow up, and over the course of 6 years I've done well reversing the maturity process and reverting my thought of self to somewhere around a freshman in high school.
My stance on life has changed. I guess this is just a pact with myself. A contract that I will hold myself to.
Ok I'm officially crazy - anyone wanna share in my insanity....hehe.
Thanks for reading this, it helps....
I've recently ended a relationship. It went on for a year and half. And I loved him very much, I still love him in fact and probably will for the rest of my life. I came as close to true love as one can without that other person being your soul mate. Sounds sorta harsh saying it but alas, it is how I feel. So many different and varying things plauged our relationship, not any that need to be explained here, that it was all most a failure from day one. I would have to suppose that alot of how I feel stems from the constant of the past six years plus.
It's been one major event after another, first there was the divorce, then there was sexuality, then there were boys, then drugs, then way too many deaths, even more death - and for every heartache that had external influence upon my life I created one with internal influence by way of getting into relationships that I knew would only hurt. When I think about it I think I tend to create my own pain to deal with pain I have no control over - self destructive but at present thats something I'm struggling with and hoping to reconcile.
Two months ago, when I ended it with the most recent ex, I told myself, not again. No more self-imposed failures, no more internalized pain. I can't deal with it anymore. Simply put, I'm done. I'm here not to enrich my personal friendships, get more connected with my family (who have turned out to be an awesome and amzing presence in my life) and most importantly, build and establish myself, as my own person with things I belive in tried and true.
I'm done with drama, I'm done being immature and naive in the self-imposed manner. I need to grow up and cannot allow people who are not like minded into my life because those sorts of relationships only lead to pain, part of the whole internilization of external forces. Reconnection with people in my life who are true and real is necessary. I've pushed people away beacuse they were serious about things, I didn't wanna grow up, and over the course of 6 years I've done well reversing the maturity process and reverting my thought of self to somewhere around a freshman in high school.
My stance on life has changed. I guess this is just a pact with myself. A contract that I will hold myself to.
Ok I'm officially crazy - anyone wanna share in my insanity....hehe.
Thanks for reading this, it helps....